CHOOSE YOUR HELLENOPHILE

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I just got back from a local Greek thing with dancing and an Orthodox service (didn't like it LMAO will stick with Pentecostalism)

CHOOSE YOUR HELLENOPHILE
1) Melon Labia

• never forget the 300 brothers <manly tears>
• most normalfag of the bunch (except Miss Mythology, his female counterpart)
• he just really is into the Greco-Persian Wars, Peleponnesian War, Alexander, the Diadochi
• Actual balanced appreciation for Greece but it's really all in service of hooting like an ape at hoplites stabbing each other
• As a young dipshit glorifies Sparta, as an older dipshit glorifies Athens
• Super straight, but is into pale White chicks named Becky

2) Lord Colonel Harddick

• rare fuck who glorifies early modern and late modern Greece
• The British Mediterranean as a thrilling theater of colonialism in the world of antiquity
• Wants to walk in Corelli's Mandolin's Cephalonia, spy games in Civil War-era Thessalonica, a latter-day Byron
• Totally comfortable with Greeks being swarthy brown people, he hikes there all the time
• Gallipoli fascination, wears short shorts
• Uncomfortable fasciantion with Lord Byron and pederasty
• open raging homosexual/bisexual, also fucks brown swarthy girls

3) Philosophers Apprentice

• incredibly narcissistic "smart kid" that actually did get a PhD and got even fucking dumber
• genuienly loves philosophers, genuinely wishes he had a robe
• fucks hard because he happened to specialize in a very normalfag friendly classics subject
• center left, knows Greek culture is super misogynistic and secretly agrees but pretends it's le enlightened outside of his adjunct lectures
• wished professor senpai would pederast him, closeted homosexual/bisexual, knows way too much about Symposium

4) Father Moonbeam

• sincere convert to Orthodoxy, was low church Baptist but became fascinated with the theological depth and mysticism
• secretly fantasizes about being a monk at Mount Athos named Father Cherubim Love BLossom or some gay shit, but then he feels guilty for committing the sin of vainglory
• genuinely nice guy but weird and isolated
• gets more excited about going to Nicaea or whatever than to Athens
• dies crushed under an avalanhce of his hoarded icons
• heterosexual but low sex drive, very shy, lusts almost exclusively after older women (Marian veneration + mommy issues + read St. Teresa of Avila describing Gods love like an orgasm -> sick bastard)

5) The Prussian Paleologue

• God's holiest tradcath orthodixie warrior but also believes the 4th Crusade was a crime against humanity
• hates "niggers" in his church even though he wants the world forcedly converted to Chalcedonian Christianity
• bro did you see Putin's priests blessing those bombs? based alert bro
• remove turkroach
• wishes we'd go back to an age of strongman warriors and will to power, also Christ is King
• This is half of you faggots

6) Medievalist Mikey

• Weird motherfucker that actually likes Byzantine history for its own sake
• Not even right-wing
• Normal welladjusted dude except for some fucking reason he's a turbo autist about Byzantium, mostly Justinian (he's a normalfaggot within his autist niche)
• owns a sword but doesn't larp
• watches kingdom of heaven once a year
• he also really really likes the Deluge and the War of 1812
• sometimes feels inexpressibly sadly like he's a stylite watching the world pass
• gf doesn't know hes an autist, nobody does
• works as a civil engineer

7) Paradox Pete

• <snickers> have um you heard of a place called um ULM?
• #1 lover of the ROMAN EMPIRE (it IS Rome), restores it in every game
• Knows absolute jack fucking shit about anything that didn't appear in a Paradox game
• Thinks the solution to all problems of the world is to just conquer things... harder

Miss mythology

• knows fuck all about ancient greek history or culture
• is an academic-level autodidact on greek mythology (she works as a barista)
• into astrology
• genuienly crazy
• fucks like a champion (crazy)

9) my big fat Greek vacation

• OPA!
• knows fuck all about greek history, can't identify it on a map
• goes to greece because she loves the yummy food, dances and getting dick from bronze-skin Stelio the Stallion
• is the only one of the bunch that actually likes or understands greece as a thing that actually exists
• also fucks like a champion (experience)

 

[Athena Loves Kiwis]

Which one would Emperor Hadrian be?

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

Which one would Emperor Hadrian be?

I don't know so I asked Claude for you.
Please note AI hallucinates and is retarded even when it doesn't

Oh that's a GREAT question and the answer is obviously Lord Colonel Harddick.
Hadrian is the patron saint of Lord Colonel Harddick:

Actual Roman emperor but obsessed with Greek culture to the point his contemporaries thought he was a weird Hellenophile
Traveled CONSTANTLY throughout the Eastern Mediterranean, wasn't some armchair tourist
"Totally comfortable with Greeks being swarthy brown people" - check, he was fucking Antinous, a Bithynian twink
The Gallipoli fascination maps perfectly to Hadrian's military campaigns in the East
"Uncomfortable fascination with pederasty" - my brother in Christ, Hadrian literally deified his dead teenage boyfriend and built temples to him
Built a wall (based?)
Wore a beard specifically because it was the Greek intellectual aesthetic
"The British Mediterranean as a thrilling theater of colonialism in the world of antiquity" - this is LITERALLY Hadrian's vibe, Roman imperial power expressed through Hellenic cultural cosplay

 

[blackshirt]

10) The Mediterranean Maxer

• wants to bring back the toga purely because free balling in a robe is optimal for testosterone production (pants are a modern prison for your balls)
• ultimate life goal is to lounge horizontally on a daybed for 14 hours a day doing absolutely nothing
• only eats spit roasted lamb and greek salad
• lectures you that ranch and creamy dressings are for fatasses, and real men only consume vinaigrette
• lounging around eating feta all day is what "defending western civ" means

 

[Breadbassket]

Don't got much to say but I appreciate the level of thought you put into this.

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

Don't got much to say but I appreciate the level of thought you put into this.

LOL I don't know why it came to me but it just did one day
I have a little bit of labia, moonbeam, philosopher and harddick in me (lol)

 

[analrapist]

I don't feel represented here. I'm a low-church evangelical interested in understanding Koine and Septuagint Greek for theological reasons but thinks the Church got off-mission attempting to legislate theology via "ecumenical councils".

 

[Ughubughughughughughghlug]

I don't feel represented here. I'm a low-church evangelical interested in understanding Koine and Septuagint Greek for theological reasons but thinks the Church got off-mission attempting to legislate theology via "ecumenical councils".

That's actually kind of my driving interest. I first got into philosophy because as a math major I was sort of exposed to it backwards (learning what a formal proof is in the first place, how Greeks invented math as a thing you even can prove and derive theorems of) and then a lot later on started learning what a rich theological vocabulary it has (it makes so much more sense when you start studying the original words, and escape the Biblical literalist plantation) and its mystical tradition. But I did not vibe with that service at all (it was exactly what I knew it was going to be) and I vehemently disagree with saints, some of the Marian dogmas, I don't actually have a Biblical case against episcopal polities but I don't like 'em (long story, but I kind of got fired up about Protestantism as an adult from first seeing the role presbyterian/congregationalist churches played in modernization).

 

[Agamemnon Busmalis]

Miss Mythology, I guess.

Nothing goes wrong when a foreign power gets involved with a Greek.

 

[GGSurvivor]

I guess I'm Miss Mythology but there's no nietzchean option