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I'm starting to take an interest in what kind of femme I'm becoming, what kind of femininity I'm embodying. Quite naturally, I seem to be embodying a warm, enthusiastic kind of femininity. Kisses, exclamation marks, and hearts feature prolifically in my messages. I’m very affirmative, I say things like "Of course, my love" or "I'm so happy for you!" When I greet people I extend "Hey" into a sort of "Hey-ee". I use a lot of exclamations, "Oh my god" "No way!" "Congrats!!" This isn't any kind of performance, I am sincerely excited to see people, expressing genuine affection, trying to be radically supportive. These were modes of communication often denied to me when I was living as a man, or more accurately as a bitter, dissociated halfling egg. I am also becoming more in touch with my kinder emotions, and experiencing a deeper curiosity towards people.
That's all well and good. However, I'm conscious that this is a very specific mode of femininity that I'm embodying, one that I seem to be absorbing from my most feminine co-workers. I love these women, they are really supportive of me, and they are teaching me a lot. Small things mostly, gestures, tone of voice, inflections. Yet I see these women, and I can't help but see their alter, another mode of femininity that's denied to me: the kind of steely, effortless cool embodied by Sophie Thatcher, Sigourney Weaver, or (dare I say it) Kristen Stewart, which is often quiet, self-assured, icey. I think about the Love Lies Bleeding press tour where Stewart was rocking that greasy mullet and seemed to be perptually riding out a hangover. I love this mode of femininity, of simply not giving a fuck, but it feels like a mode I can't embody as a trans femme, like it's reserved for cis girls only. I worry it makes me read as less feminine, and therefore as a man. Thus speaks my insecurity. Only in explicitly queer spaces am I able to enter this cool headspace, a space where people will actively chase you and you can react with glassy indifference.
I know I am reducing femininity down into two distinct modes, when in reality there's hundreds, but I'm trying to draw out a polarity, identify two ends of a spectrum, and place myself in it. In this context there's a useful binary and contrast to be mined.
Dark Femininity
When I started writing this, I didn't realise I was skirting the margins of the femme fatale and "dark femininity". It's not quite the same principle, but it's adjacent. Dark femininity is a mode of femininity that emphasises elegance, aloofness, and self-interest. You have probably heard this talked about extensively, variously propagated and critiqued. Its detractors say this feminine model is selfish, artificially unavailable, and runs dangerously close to the female manipulator, women who toy with men's emotions for their own amusement and validation. I think there's a grain of truth to this. For some people "dark femininity" is about bending your behaviour to appeal to men. But this is a question of intention. I think there are many other women who are drawn to dark femininity for its self-sufficiency, the chance to put yourself first, something women are routinely denied. Dark femininity can liberate women from regressive social expectations and enhance their confidence, but it can also shrink their social calendar and make them withdrawn or arrogant. In the best cases dark femininity expands women's lives, in the worst cases it diminishes them. Dark femininity is not inherently toxic, in fact many how-to guides stress the importance of being polite or kind, but it can also come off as callous in the wrong hands.
Parts of dark femininity are very appealing to me, namely showcasing your independence, intelligence, and poise. Realistically, I have all these things already (except poise, I'm so dyspraxic). However, my personality naturally trends towards enthusiastic expression. While I sometimes want to be mysterious, I tend to feel like an open book, like my emotions are easy to intuit, embarassingly so. This is strange because many people have said I come off as guarded. Even my closest friends describe me as "hard to read". I find this jarring and a bit sad, the result of countless years masking probably autism. So perhaps I'm closer to dark femininity than I thought, and not in a good way. It seems curious and telling that parts of dark femininity might overlap with autistic masking.
A drunk woman at a day rave once said I was "giving proper sexy librarian". I found that so flattering. I felt truly seen, like she had effortlessly skewered my aura in all its flaws and beauty.
Allure's Allure: Why Do We Want To Be Dark and Mysterious?
For most of my life, I have wanted to be cool. As a child I was desperately attached to this idea. It wasn't hard to see why. I was a nerd, I felt undesirable, lacked an edge. Coolness was a gate I couldn't open. I’m still not cool, but I've also tried to stop measuring myself in this way. What is coolness really? As Amy Dunne teaches us, it's a category created and enforced by men. Coolness, by my estimation, is based on competence (athleticism) and confidence (presentation). I hypothesise that this stems from traditional gender roles, where men began as hunter gatherers - demanding athleticism - and later dominated the social realm - where presentation and conversation became essential. This applied in business, politics, the military, etc. Women were confined to childcare and the home. Coolness therefore means different things for masculinity and femininity. There is initial overlap. When fighting, coolness is about speed, stamina, and precision, being the best, being the toughest. See Wolverine, a notoriously antisocial barbarian. In conversation, coolness is about charisma, holding an audience, being the most charming, the best dressed, the most desirable. See Don Draper, an unfathomably suave salesman who abandoned his post. Of course there's overlap in these realms too, to be athletic and charming, a sharply dressed fighter, that's James Bond. Where this gets tricky is when coolness bleeds into sex politics. Sexual appetite is encouraged in men, and condemned in women. Different rules apply in queer spaces, but this is how straight society works. Even here there is overlap, to be charismatic and deadly, and look hot doing it, that’s also James Bond, and The Bride, Villanelle. I was deeply brainwashed by these ideas for a long time, and I'm sure plenty of those old synapses remain. I still want to be cool, but now I want to be a cool girl. I still have no idea what a cool trans girl looks like. Coolness as a category is kind of problematic but I still can't let it go. So if dark femininity is “cool” and warm femininity (light femininity) is uncool, those are ultimately categories created by men, which limit feminine expression.
And this isn't entirely gendered either. Often you can only play cool and removed in spaces where you're already in demand, sought after in some way, a commodity. Kristen Stewart is obviously a known name, she doesn't need to impress people, doesn't need to fight for attention. Dark femininity comes easily to her, but that's not me. I'm at a fairly low level in my company, I have to work hard to make my achievements visible. That's also the nature of my industry, which is ostensibly sales, built on relationships and superficially friendly conversation. It took me a while to realise that within sales, your success is not dependent on your ability to sell product, but to sell yourself. The product is a misdirect. You are the product, and at high levels every interaction is an advertisement for you and your skills. How easy are you to work with? How good is your administration? Do people like you? Do you have marketing skills, SEO, etc. Do you have a good hook, a USP?
I think light and dark femininity is at work everywhere, especially in my industry, where the superficial pleasantries of light femininity are most closely observable. But gender is not the only culprit. Capitalism must accept some of the blame too. The dichotomy is not just between dark and light femininity, but between people as commodities, those with high value and low value.
In a way, I think coolness is actually cheap. When I was a teenager, trying and failing to understand the social realm (autism) I used to watch Charisma on Command. (I just looked him up, jesus christ he’s still going.) His videos were masculinity poisoned and reductive, but I thought they were brilliant at the time. One of these videos was a study of the different forms of charisma embodied by Captain America and Iron Man. It presented a binary, that you're either someone people like (Captain America), or someone people want to be liked by (Iron Man). For a long time that's what I believed, and I wanted so desperately to be in the latter camp and not the former. But this mutated over the years. I started to believe that you're someone who wants to impress people, or you're someone people want to impress. That's a false dichotomy. It cynically assumes that socialising is a game of sycophantry. In reality, we don't socialise just to impress each other. We socialise to enlighten each other, entertain each other, to collaborate, or seek advice. Socialising is often about seeking joy in so many ways which are non-hierarchical.
It really upsets me that I used to see the world in such competitive terms. It held me back. I have forgiven myself for this, and my appreciation of people and the social realm has only deepened with time. Still I suspect some of this old pollution remains. It's likely my interest in being "cool" starts here. I would like to unlearn this conditioning, but it feels so deeply reinforced in my brain. Every piece of media consumed in my formative years seemed to propagate these laws of coolness, Japanese video games, American action movies, art created by men, embodying a sexist world view.
Queering Coolness
Is it possible to reclaim coolness? To queer it? If I say Divine is cool, is that an act of rebellion? I don't necessarily think Divine is cool (she ate literal dog shit), but it's an interesting thought experiment. I sincerely believe Kristen Stewart is cool, I think many cis straight men would agree, but Kristen Stewart is also conventionally beautiful, skinny, white and successful. She doesn’t challenge the norm in any meaningful way. What if I were to say Colman Domingo is cool? Ayo Edibiri? Michelle Yeo? Stephanie Hsu? Eric Andre? FKA Twigs? Rico Nasty? That feels a little more challenging. I can't think of any cool trans women beyond Hunter Schafer, who is beautiful, skinny, and white - the same problem as Kristen Stewart. That's depressing. (I'm looking up famous trans women now and I don't know who the fuck half of these people are. Should I?)
Trans people just aren't cool. Most trans people don't even exist in the social realm, let alone excel in it. Trans people like to stay inside. So when I go out and give presentations to people in my fucked up cis industry and I'm visibly trans, perhaps that's a tiny act of rebellion. But I still don't think I'm being "cool", I'm just doing my job without being misgendered. And obviously this is cis-normativity speaking, the result of a life surrounded by cis people. Obviously trans people can be cool, I just don’t know any cool trans people.
So can we redeem coolness, or do we need to throw it away? Is it a male category, and if so, can we take that charge away from it? If we can, how do we do that? I'm asking because I'm genuinely not sure. What do you think?
I'm starting to take an interest in what kind of femme I'm becoming, what kind of femininity I'm embodying. Quite naturally, I seem to be embodying a warm, enthusiastic kind of femininity. Kisses, exclamation marks, and hearts feature prolifically in my messages. I’m very affirmative, I say things like "Of course, my love" or "I'm so happy for you!" When I greet people I extend "Hey" into a sort of "Hey-ee". I use a lot of exclamations, "Oh my god" "No way!" "Congrats!!" This isn't any kind of performance, I am sincerely excited to see people, expressing genuine affection, trying to be radically supportive. These were modes of communication often denied to me when I was living as a man, or more accurately as a bitter, dissociated halfling egg. I am also becoming more in touch with my kinder emotions, and experiencing a deeper curiosity towards people.
That's all well and good. However, I'm conscious that this is a very specific mode of femininity that I'm embodying, one that I seem to be absorbing from my most feminine co-workers. I love these women, they are really supportive of me, and they are teaching me a lot. Small things mostly, gestures, tone of voice, inflections. Yet I see these women, and I can't help but see their alter, another mode of femininity that's denied to me: the kind of steely, effortless cool embodied by Sophie Thatcher, Sigourney Weaver, or (dare I say it) Kristen Stewart, which is often quiet, self-assured, icey. I think about the Love Lies Bleeding press tour where Stewart was rocking that greasy mullet and seemed to be perptually riding out a hangover. I love this mode of femininity, of simply not giving a fuck, but it feels like a mode I can't embody as a trans femme, like it's reserved for cis girls only. I worry it makes me read as less feminine, and therefore as a man. Thus speaks my insecurity. Only in explicitly queer spaces am I able to enter this cool headspace, a space where people will actively chase you and you can react with glassy indifference.
I know I am reducing femininity down into two distinct modes, when in reality there's hundreds, but I'm trying to draw out a polarity, identify two ends of a spectrum, and place myself in it. In this context there's a useful binary and contrast to be mined.
Dark Femininity
When I started writing this, I didn't realise I was skirting the margins of the femme fatale and "dark femininity". It's not quite the same principle, but it's adjacent. Dark femininity is a mode of femininity that emphasises elegance, aloofness, and self-interest. You have probably heard this talked about extensively, variously propagated and critiqued. Its detractors say this feminine model is selfish, artificially unavailable, and runs dangerously close to the female manipulator, women who toy with men's emotions for their own amusement and validation. I think there's a grain of truth to this. For some people "dark femininity" is about bending your behaviour to appeal to men. But this is a question of intention. I think there are many other women who are drawn to dark femininity for its self-sufficiency, the chance to put yourself first, something women are routinely denied. Dark femininity can liberate women from regressive social expectations and enhance their confidence, but it can also shrink their social calendar and make them withdrawn or arrogant. In the best cases dark femininity expands women's lives, in the worst cases it diminishes them. Dark femininity is not inherently toxic, in fact many how-to guides stress the importance of being polite or kind, but it can also come off as callous in the wrong hands.Parts of dark femininity are very appealing to me, namely showcasing your independence, intelligence, and poise. Realistically, I have all these things already (except poise, I'm so dyspraxic). However, my personality naturally trends towards enthusiastic expression. While I sometimes want to be mysterious, I tend to feel like an open book, like my emotions are easy to intuit, embarassingly so. This is strange because many people have said I come off as guarded. Even my closest friends describe me as "hard to read". I find this jarring and a bit sad, the result of countless years masking probably autism. So perhaps I'm closer to dark femininity than I thought, and not in a good way. It seems curious and telling that parts of dark femininity might overlap with autistic masking.
A drunk woman at a day rave once said I was "giving proper sexy librarian". I found that so flattering. I felt truly seen, like she had effortlessly skewered my aura in all its flaws and beauty.
Allure's Allure: Why Do We Want To Be Dark and Mysterious?
For most of my life, I have wanted to be cool. As a child I was desperately attached to this idea. It wasn't hard to see why. I was a nerd, I felt undesirable, lacked an edge. Coolness was a gate I couldn't open. I’m still not cool, but I've also tried to stop measuring myself in this way. What is coolness really? As Amy Dunne teaches us, it's a category created and enforced by men. Coolness, by my estimation, is based on competence (athleticism) and confidence (presentation). I hypothesise that this stems from traditional gender roles, where men began as hunter gatherers - demanding athleticism - and later dominated the social realm - where presentation and conversation became essential. This applied in business, politics, the military, etc. Women were confined to childcare and the home. Coolness therefore means different things for masculinity and femininity. There is initial overlap. When fighting, coolness is about speed, stamina, and precision, being the best, being the toughest. See Wolverine, a notoriously antisocial barbarian. In conversation, coolness is about charisma, holding an audience, being the most charming, the best dressed, the most desirable. See Don Draper, an unfathomably suave salesman who abandoned his post. Of course there's overlap in these realms too, to be athletic and charming, a sharply dressed fighter, that's James Bond. Where this gets tricky is when coolness bleeds into sex politics. Sexual appetite is encouraged in men, and condemned in women. Different rules apply in queer spaces, but this is how straight society works. Even here there is overlap, to be charismatic and deadly, and look hot doing it, that’s also James Bond, and The Bride, Villanelle. I was deeply brainwashed by these ideas for a long time, and I'm sure plenty of those old synapses remain. I still want to be cool, but now I want to be a cool girl. I still have no idea what a cool trans girl looks like. Coolness as a category is kind of problematic but I still can't let it go. So if dark femininity is “cool” and warm femininity (light femininity) is uncool, those are ultimately categories created by men, which limit feminine expression.And this isn't entirely gendered either. Often you can only play cool and removed in spaces where you're already in demand, sought after in some way, a commodity. Kristen Stewart is obviously a known name, she doesn't need to impress people, doesn't need to fight for attention. Dark femininity comes easily to her, but that's not me. I'm at a fairly low level in my company, I have to work hard to make my achievements visible. That's also the nature of my industry, which is ostensibly sales, built on relationships and superficially friendly conversation. It took me a while to realise that within sales, your success is not dependent on your ability to sell product, but to sell yourself. The product is a misdirect. You are the product, and at high levels every interaction is an advertisement for you and your skills. How easy are you to work with? How good is your administration? Do people like you? Do you have marketing skills, SEO, etc. Do you have a good hook, a USP?
I think light and dark femininity is at work everywhere, especially in my industry, where the superficial pleasantries of light femininity are most closely observable. But gender is not the only culprit. Capitalism must accept some of the blame too. The dichotomy is not just between dark and light femininity, but between people as commodities, those with high value and low value.
In a way, I think coolness is actually cheap. When I was a teenager, trying and failing to understand the social realm (autism) I used to watch Charisma on Command. (I just looked him up, jesus christ he’s still going.) His videos were masculinity poisoned and reductive, but I thought they were brilliant at the time. One of these videos was a study of the different forms of charisma embodied by Captain America and Iron Man. It presented a binary, that you're either someone people like (Captain America), or someone people want to be liked by (Iron Man). For a long time that's what I believed, and I wanted so desperately to be in the latter camp and not the former. But this mutated over the years. I started to believe that you're someone who wants to impress people, or you're someone people want to impress. That's a false dichotomy. It cynically assumes that socialising is a game of sycophantry. In reality, we don't socialise just to impress each other. We socialise to enlighten each other, entertain each other, to collaborate, or seek advice. Socialising is often about seeking joy in so many ways which are non-hierarchical.
It really upsets me that I used to see the world in such competitive terms. It held me back. I have forgiven myself for this, and my appreciation of people and the social realm has only deepened with time. Still I suspect some of this old pollution remains. It's likely my interest in being "cool" starts here. I would like to unlearn this conditioning, but it feels so deeply reinforced in my brain. Every piece of media consumed in my formative years seemed to propagate these laws of coolness, Japanese video games, American action movies, art created by men, embodying a sexist world view.
Queering Coolness
Is it possible to reclaim coolness? To queer it? If I say Divine is cool, is that an act of rebellion? I don't necessarily think Divine is cool (she ate literal dog shit), but it's an interesting thought experiment. I sincerely believe Kristen Stewart is cool, I think many cis straight men would agree, but Kristen Stewart is also conventionally beautiful, skinny, white and successful. She doesn’t challenge the norm in any meaningful way. What if I were to say Colman Domingo is cool? Ayo Edibiri? Michelle Yeo? Stephanie Hsu? Eric Andre? FKA Twigs? Rico Nasty? That feels a little more challenging. I can't think of any cool trans women beyond Hunter Schafer, who is beautiful, skinny, and white - the same problem as Kristen Stewart. That's depressing. (I'm looking up famous trans women now and I don't know who the fuck half of these people are. Should I?)Trans people just aren't cool. Most trans people don't even exist in the social realm, let alone excel in it. Trans people like to stay inside. So when I go out and give presentations to people in my fucked up cis industry and I'm visibly trans, perhaps that's a tiny act of rebellion. But I still don't think I'm being "cool", I'm just doing my job without being misgendered. And obviously this is cis-normativity speaking, the result of a life surrounded by cis people. Obviously trans people can be cool, I just don’t know any cool trans people.
So can we redeem coolness, or do we need to throw it away? Is it a male category, and if so, can we take that charge away from it? If we can, how do we do that? I'm asking because I'm genuinely not sure. What do you think?
