Some folks'll fix bodies and some folks'll fix roads,
Some folks'll move patients and some folks'll move loads.
But Good Ol John well he could do them them both,
He took up Engineer's Plum and the Hyprocrit's Oath
Well, now I done been hearing some folks talking about John's bone-e-fides in journalism, but I also gone done see some Doubtful Dollies a-yaking about how it was impossible for Shuttle Commander Miss'ippi John to have also done anything to advance the cause of medical science, on an account of that he would have been too busy running his families business to new heights of success, getting disowned by that same family, being homeless living out of his car, being a hungry crime reporter, mourning the 200 gay veterans he personally knew who died in Iraq, and getting his triple SPhD (Super Doctorate of Philosophy) degree in Addiction Treatment, Journalism, and Engineering; not to mention doing the emotional labor required of being a young black girl who was lynched weekly by the KKK in the deep south.
Well, stop your empty-headed jawing, pull up a chair, and I'll tell you the tale of how Miss'ippi John was a true man, and saved countless lives by sacrificing his MD credentials.
Now ol' John had just finished living out of his old '85 rusty civic, which he'd traded in for his first Porsche. And by this time he'd already put out his widely successful Hugo-award winning game, which had sold dozens of copies; but he'd have to give that up so he become a woman and run for congress. So while waiting for his chance to run for congress as the most qualified woman ever, John decided he'd so something easy by way of getting relaxation, so he fixed his sights on getting his medical degree. Getting that medical degree was something he'd always wanted to do, ever since his close friend had committed suicide. Yessir, that had always haunted John, and he figured if he'd just knew more about medicine, he could have stopped those five lost souls from taking their lives. So, John took to studying medicine, vowing that never again would twenty of his close friends have to die by their own hand because they couldn't see any other way out.
A few weeks later, when he was almost done with his medical degree, John got a call from his good friend the Governor. John figured it was just another call to discuss arrangements for the big gala celebrating him being awarded with the Key to the State, but it was a serious matter. The Governor's daughter was sick; sick with some strange disease that was affecting all the children in the state, and seemed like it was spreading, fast. John recognized the symptoms too: it was the very same sickness that evil Gamer Gate had infected his dog with, the one that would sure to prove fatal if the sufferer was left outside in winter blizzard all night. The illness affecting these kids was a cyberweapon developed by the mercenaries John's in-depth reporting had uncovered as working for Coinbase. Both the mercenaries and GamerGate were out for revenge on John.
Well Ol' John knew there wasn't no time to be wasted with a problem right there in his home state, so John hopped in his other porsche, drove to the airport, and flew out to San Francisco to try to work on a cure for the disease. John soon realized that he couldn't hack or code away around the infection: the viral mRNA the disease used to multiply was using two-factor authentication to salt its hash. John knew the only way to cure this disease was going to be inject hisself with the disease, and use the super-human healing powers he'd learned as kid in Miss'ippi to fight the disease, and then collect the antibodies from his own blood. This would, of course, leave John as a carrier of this terrible illness, and he'd never be able to practice medicine again. John though, had gumption to spare, a fact that had made him Shuttle Commander when he'd been in space camp.
So John did what he had to, and sadly hung up his stethoscope for good once he'd saved all those kids. Now, maybe John'd have saved more lives if he'd kept on, seeing as he'd have no doubt have been as good a doctor as he is an engineer. But looking at the big picture was never John's way, and he just did what any man would do. Even if it means that he's got to be careful the rest of his life not to spread the disease. So, if you's ever see a parent keeping their kid away from Ol' Miss'ippi John, just know that only means that parent has heard the stories about John, and its for the kid's own protection.
