Mississippi John was the toughest man you've ever seen,
he fought his demons and got hisself clean.
Now there's nothing can make John squirm & itch,
'cept the one addiction he can't kick:
a potbelly sandwich
Well there folks, good ta see ya all again. Now I know you heard plenty of tales of Miss'ippi John in the school house and gatherin' with friends, and I know that none of them have dealt with Ol' Miss'ippi John gettin' involved with them e-lissit substinces. But with all this talk of them op'oids and them o'erdoses in the news, why it just made me suddenly remember the tale about the time Miss'ippi John had to fight his own battle with addiction. So gather yourselves around and let me spin you a yarn that deffin' not just made up on the spot so I coulds inserts myself into a discussion bout the current goings ons.
Now, as you might recall, Ol' Miss'ippi John was going to college as young black girl, taking journalism classes at college in Miss'ippi so he could graduate as an engineer. And times was tough for old John. Not only was the KKK lynchin' him every week (except for that week he rallied the school and took their L outta Klu, as you might recall), but not too long after he'd learned how to run a successful family business, his parents had disowned him for being a black girl, and kicked him out with nothing but his game consoles, games, car, and paid tuition. Yessir, it was the darkest time in John's life. But there was one ray of hope in that sea of being homeless in the dorms and regular lynchings, and that was John's sweetheart.
Yessir, Ol' Miss'ippi John had a heart as human as he knew how to have one, and it beat a little faster every time for years 6 years that he did what a normal young man in love did to show a body that he was smitten: sneak inta the bushes outside of his Sweetheart's bedroom at night with the binoculars to watch them sleep. Miss'ippi John wasn't no fuddy duddy, but he'd been raised as a proper Southern Gentlemen (when he wasn't being raised as a poor black girl, that is) and he was gonna court his sweetheart the traditional way, by making sure to secretly watch them for a while.
Well, all that sneaking around at night, and being in love during the day, combined with the stress of all those lynchings and the journalism classes required for his degree in engineering, it was just too much for even a man as big and tough as Miss'ippi John. And the left John suspectible to the trickery of the KKK, which was spoilin' to get back at John. So KKK pulled their dirtiest trick yet and, while one of their members kept John busy by lynching him, another made John's sweetheart break up with him.
Now Miss'ippi John was the roughest, toughest, strongest man around. He could lick any man or beast in a fight, but John was just a man, and ain't the man been born yet who ain't cry when his heart is done broke. Oh, them KKK snake in the grass knew they couldn't get John head on, so they got him through his sweetheart. Well, them mean ol' KKK, they didn't have no mercy on the poor broke hearted john, and they got one'a their members to slip John an ambien. Them wicked KKK just kept feeding John the devil's pills while they hunted high and low for their L - but John was too clever by half, and had it hid so well no inbred white hick had a small dog's chance in blizzard ta find it. So they gave up and left John shakin', deep in the grip of the Ambien Walrus, and with his heart broke like it was, he wasn't in no rush to escape.
4 years later, well his life was in a shambles. He'd become a white man again, and had only managed to graduate with a 3.9 instead of 4.0 GPA. That was the kick in the butt John needed. Despite being homeless and completely destitute and living out of his car at this point with no money, John checked himself into rehab.
John naturually completely all 12 steps by taking them 2 and 3 at a time within minutes of entering, but knew he had to stick around and guide some of those poor souls inside, since not everyone was as strong and well-adjusted as he was. Why they just put John down with them addicts, and all John had to do was say "Hello" and smile at them, and oh lordy, such was the power that Miss'ippi John has, them addicts was swearin' off drugs, swearin' off liquor, swearin' off cigarettes, swearin' off whatever it was that would get them outta the same room with with a smilin' John. But some of them still relapsed, and John just couldn't get it. So he thunk and he thunk, and he realized that all them addicts had a hole in their souls, and John well, he just didn't have one. And well since he couldn't get a hole in his sole, John decided, he'd do the next best thing by putting a hole in his body, and paid a Siamese surgeon to cut off an invert his johnson, and after that, John was the best rehabber that facility ever saw.
Now, as we all know, John realized he was capable of doing more good outside the rehab than in it, so he left, and after working in tech with his Jouralist Engineering degree, founded his successful games studio. And, if you're feeling sad about John's broken heart, we all know John eventually found hisself a new sweetheart in the form of a wealthy screamin' chinaman, but thems they own tales. I can't be tellin' you all the tales about John tonight. Specially since the best of 'em ain't been written yet.
