When she brought up the letter to Justin later, he brushed it off, saying it was just a phase he was going through. In truth, it was much more. It was around this time that Justin/Chloe started having panic attacks. Murphy urged him to seek counseling. A therapist they consulted together recommended Justin be put on antidepressants, but he feared they would turn him into another person. Murphy said the most painful thing now is looking back and thinking about how much pain her child was in. Justin may not have been bullied, she said, but his true self -- Chloe -- lived in fear and shame. "Growing up in the community we grew up in, the high school Chloe went to, there was no way she could come out. She coulda been beaten up. There's so much hate in these kids these days." Self-hatred, too
hloe, Murphy recalled, always showered in the dark.
After graduating high school last year, Chloe (publicly still Justin) moved to Humboldt County with a friend, looking for adventure. They ended up living on Clam Beach for a while, which worried their parents (Chloe was just 17 at the time), who helped the two find a rental in Eureka. Chloe attended classes at College of the Redwoods (though never officially registered) and talked about majoring in environmental science. On her way home for Christmas vacation, Chloe finally came out completely to her mom in a series of text messages.
"I embraced it," Murphy said. In fact, while many parents struggle to accept their transgender kids, Murphy considers it a blessing, despite the tragic end. "A mother and her son is a pretty close bond. A mother and her daughter is a pretty close bond. And I got to have both of those," Murphy said. "I'm lucky that I got to meet Chloe -- and do her hair, her makeup and have her tilt her head at me and say, 'Thanks, Mama.' What a blessing."
Ultimately, though, Murphy understands why the road ahead must have looked bleak to Chloe. Even people who support gay and lesbian causes can have difficulty understanding transgender issues, she said. Hatred, bullying and discrimination aren't limited to high school. Through Chloe's death, she and her husband hope to reach out to parents and teens in an effort to change that landscape. (They're currently working to establish a nonprofit to those ends.) And they're hopeful that society is slowly, reluctantly making progress. "Unfortunately it wasn't soon enough for my little Miss Chloe," Murphy said, crying again. "But I think she's going to be pretty amazed when she sees us 20 years down the line. I definitely believe that, and I'm gonna be part of that movement."
