- Joined
- Nov 4, 2017
Well now if'n this don't just depressinate me to no end, seeing all these farmers who ain't never heard of the legendary Miss'ippi John or don't know just how great of a man Miss'ippi John is.
You might'a even been on a listentation of the fact that Miss'ippi John's past has a lot of holes in it, and it taint nothing but a collection o' tall tales Ol' John uses and twists whenever its convenient. Well, I'm here to tell you: John's past is all true, even the bits he made up. This thread is littered with the mighty tales of that truest of men, Miss'ippi John, but I'll remindifcate all the farmers old an new.
Miss'ippi John was raised in the backwoods of Mississippi by his father, a former naval officer, who adopted him before disowning him along with Miss'ippi John's birth parents. When John was growing up, his family was so po' they couldn't afford elek'tricy all the time, on account of the fact that his family had a successful family business where John learned all his bin'iss accumentary. In fact, Miss'ippi John's family was so incredibly poor, growing up he only had an NES, a SNES, a Playstation, A computer with internet, was sent to space camp, and went to a school that in the late 80s had a full-fledged computer science program where he learned coding & hacking.
Now, you might be wondering how in tarnation Miss'ippi John managed to be from a family so wealthy they could afford all the latest technology while running a successful business that abused John by forcing him to work for his parents for free, while also being too poor to afford to keep the lights on. And that answer is simple: Firstly John carved all those game consoles hisself from a hickory tree in a back yard using schematics sent to him by his uncle who worked for Ninetendo. But also because Miss'ippi John simply grew up twice. Once as the tall, masculine man we know as the great hero of the Internet and Gamergate Surivor John Walker Wu (nee Flynt) and the other as a poor black girl who was lynched weekly by the KKK, back when they were still the Klu Klux Klan (before John stole the Klu Klux Klan's 'L' and they were forced to change their names to the Ku Klux Klan; iffn you stick around collecting Miss'ippi John stories long, you'll realize no one collects L's quite like Miss'ippi John)
And o'course people not being aware that John only became a women because someone had to show those flighty broads the proper way of being a woman since they weren't doing it right, which was only nat'ral since John had been made Commander of his Space Camp team despite the fact that Space Camp didn't actually give teams ranks like Commander. That's just how good Miss'ippi John was at Space Camp. And of course, who doesn't hear the stories and see the pictures of Miss'ippi John's cooking and not crave a thick, hearty slice of Miss'ippi John's famous gumbo, full of the flavor his rich rue.
SLICE OF GUMBO And who can forget the over two million gay and trans Iraq war veterans that John knew personally who committed suicide. And lets not forget Miss'ippi John showing just normal of a guy he is by having his husband buy him 7 Porsches - he's got 6, but he backed one into a post and, much like his dogs, it just vanished and we don't see anything about that one anymore.
Now, you might be wondering how in tarnation Miss'ippi John managed to be from a family so wealthy they could afford all the latest technology while running a successful business that abused John by forcing him to work for his parents for free, while also being too poor to afford to keep the lights on. And that answer is simple: Firstly John carved all those game consoles hisself from a hickory tree in a back yard using schematics sent to him by his uncle who worked for Ninetendo. But also because Miss'ippi John simply grew up twice. Once as the tall, masculine man we know as the great hero of the Internet and Gamergate Surivor John Walker Wu (nee Flynt) and the other as a poor black girl who was lynched weekly by the KKK, back when they were still the Klu Klux Klan (before John stole the Klu Klux Klan's 'L' and they were forced to change their names to the Ku Klux Klan; iffn you stick around collecting Miss'ippi John stories long, you'll realize no one collects L's quite like Miss'ippi John)
And o'course people not being aware that John only became a women because someone had to show those flighty broads the proper way of being a woman since they weren't doing it right, which was only nat'ral since John had been made Commander of his Space Camp team despite the fact that Space Camp didn't actually give teams ranks like Commander. That's just how good Miss'ippi John was at Space Camp. And of course, who doesn't hear the stories and see the pictures of Miss'ippi John's cooking and not crave a thick, hearty slice of Miss'ippi John's famous gumbo, full of the flavor his rich rue.
SLICE OF GUMBO And who can forget the over two million gay and trans Iraq war veterans that John knew personally who committed suicide. And lets not forget Miss'ippi John showing just normal of a guy he is by having his husband buy him 7 Porsches - he's got 6, but he backed one into a post and, much like his dogs, it just vanished and we don't see anything about that one anymore.
But of course none of them there stories can hold a candle to one of the greatest tales of Miss'ippi John; why its just next to impossible to hold a candle to anything John does on 'counts of him just being so brilliant and the fire of his greatness just soaring so high - yessir ask anyone and they'll tell you fo' sho no one is as a big a flamer as Miss'ippi John. But that didn't stop John from being in a constant fight with his greatest nemesis, the person most responsible for all the troubles Miss'ippi John faced:
You all course remember that Br'er Gamergate killed Miss'ippi John's ungroomed eldery dog by causing Miss'ippi John to be so stressed that he left his dog outside on his porch all night in a middle of a blizzard so it got sick and died. And 'course there was when Br'er Gamergate found out where Miss'ippi John lived after John told Br'er Gamergate his exact address. All these misfortunes that befell Ol' John through no fault of his own 'course meant there was no love lost between the Miss'ippi John and Ol' Man Gamergate.
Now Ol' Miss'ippi John was the toughest, strongest man you'd ever meet, but Miss'ippi John had one weakness which was Miss'ippi John refused to stoop to the levels of Br'er Gamergate. When Br'er Gamergate would call for people involved with influence peddling to lose their jobs, Miss'ippi John would instead take the highroad and call for anyone related to repeating what Br'er Gamergate said to be fired and blacklisted for the rest of their lives. Miss'ippi John knew that if he was ever going to defeat Br'er Gamergate, he'd need allies. Allies above reproach. Which is why he selected as a close friend and confidant Ol' Colonel Lucas John "Keffals" Roberts, someone who spent a lot of time with underaged vulnerable children and helping them buy chemicals without their parents knowing. Yessir, nothing screams "Trustworthy" like a man who spends all his time hanging out with underaged children and tells them to hide the fact they're hanging out from their parents.
Miss'ippi John knew he had to keep Br'er Gamergate from finding out, so he made sure to disguise hisself as woman when he went out. His woman disguise was so perfect, it fooled everyone. No one could ever guess that John, striding around town every inch of his 6'2" frame visible, wasn't a real woman. That was on account of his experience being a woman when he was running for congress, you see, and that's why he was able to keep anyone from guessing he used to be a man.
But Ol' Miss'ippi John hadn't counted on just how nefarious Br'er Gamergate was. See, The Ol' Colonel had held his meetings with Miss'ippi John on his Catboy Plantation. Br'er Gamergate used those chemicals they were shipping to underaged children to mix up a potent cocktail - one sure bring out Miss'ippi John's built-in cattiness, since we all know in this time of gender equality that Women just can't resist the urge to be catty bitches. And Br'er Gamergate knew the best time to use it would be when John was meeting with a bunch of other men disguised as women, as they'd all be needed to act as womenly as possible lest anyone see through their disguises and their secret meetings be found out.
Well nat'lly once Br'er Gamergate slipped Miss'ippi John that chemical cocktail that brought out his inner woman, they had him encounter another man disguised as Woman, but this man were a common lady-of-the-night ...well, that was a red flag in front of bull. There was just no stopping Miss'ippi John. He supported sexworkers, so it weren't be right to treat that man any different, and Miss'ippi John tore into that lowly prostitute with 6'2" of feminine furry, encouraged by all the other men disguised as women in attendance. And when secret recordings made by Br'er Gamergate of Miss'ippi John acting just exactly like a woman by being catty and using slurs got out, Miss'ippi John was sure in a heap of trouble. He did the only thing that he rightly could do that sittiation: Blamed everyone and everything who wasn't himself. He told all the people in the town he'd just been acting a woman ought to act, after all who would know better about women being utterly vicious, catty bitches and just not having the mental capacity to stop behaving that way than a true woman like Miss'ippi John. And he assured them he'd keep his slurrin' to a smaller group of people so he'd know who was the leaker next time it happened.
And with that, Salt-of-the-earth down-to-earth Common Man of the people went to go wash one of his six Porsches.
Slice. Of. Gumbo.
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