"I'm really just thankful I was only disowned by my parents, and that they didnt call on their church group to come string me from the nearest oak. I saw this exact thing happen right in front of my eyes to my super gay classmate (barely a week after another classmate tried to stab them in the eye with a pencil). Fortunately, with the type of quick thinking and cool resolve that got me promoted to Super Admiral Space Camp Commander, I used my Glock to shoot down the rope, and swooped him up in the 1962 MG Mustang convertible I had just finished restoring, and hit the gas, eventually dropping him off at the New York border. Three years later I was heartbroken to hear that he had been killed in Iraq by alt-right GamerGate jihadis."