Big Gay Ralph - Ethan Ralph is a homosexual

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Maybe this story he wrote about blacking out with a strange man that fed him moonshine as a 14 year old boy is relevant now. What else did that man do to Ethan?


Get Your Shine On​

Mar 18, 2013 by TheRalph

Get Your Shine On

The first time I ever had moonshine, I was around 14 or 15 years of age. I remember the guy who had some pouring it out on the table, and setting the shit on fire. I didn’t know this at the time, but apparently, if it burns blue, that means it’s safe to consume. Well, it burned blue as the fucking ocean, with occasional flickers of orange here and there. So, the gentleman with the outlaw hooch said we were good to go. And so we went.

It wasn’t just regular alcohol flavored stuff, rather, it had an infusion of peach. I’ve since learned that you can get moonshine with actual pieces of fruit in it, like the stuff you sometimes see in the liquor stores (even though it isn’t real ‘shine). This stuff was just peach-flavored, though, and slightly peach colored. Anyway, I downed a shot of it. And what I remember being surprised about was just how smooth and easy it went down. It was almost like I wasn’t drinking liquor at all, as there was not much burning or irritation at all. It definitely didn’t feel like the 150 proof it was advertised as to me. So, me being the young genius that I was, I decided that this shit was weak. I poured up a whole glass full, and ended up drinking the entire thing. Things were great for a good while, until the shit finally kicked in. The last thing I remember was the ride home, and waking up once with a splitting headache about 8 hours into my 15 hour blackout/sleep recuperation.

Needless to say, I had overdone the moonshine thing.


Barney Barnwell, with his pet opossum George
Fast forward 13 years later, and another acquaintance of mine offered me the opportunity to sample some ‘shine, only this time, it had a pretty good pedigree. He knew some guys who claim to have gotten their recipe and method from the semi-famous Barney Barnwell. This guy’s been dead for a couple years now, but he’s been featured on the Discovery Channel show Moonshiners. Barney’s been dead the whole time the show’s been on, but I guess they had a bunch of footage of his exploits already in the can. So, even though I had no overwhelming desire to try moonshine again, and wouldn’t have even thought about it had it not been for my associate, I decided to give it a go once more. I can now say that I’m glad I did.


My recent jar of “white lightening”
This stuff was just the regular white lightning, with no fruit add-ins. I tested it just like I described above, and it burned blue with an occasional flicker, also as previously described. It went down as smooth as a Botoxed celeb’s forehead, albeit not quite as smoothly as I had remembered. I have to chalk that up to more miles having been put on my system since the age of 14, as I used to be able to do all kinds of uninhibited drinking. The taste itself was pretty great, although the ferment smell was kind of strong. It kinda smelled like fruit, actually, even though there was none in it. I suppose this is because it was just recently made. Either way, it wasn’t too bad, and the stuff still tasted good.

As for the drunkenness it brought on, I have to say, it was quite lovely. I drank quite a bit less than I did during my first moonshine exposure, which had the bonus effect of me being able to maintain continuous consciousness. But the drunkenness was different from my usual vodka or beer. It was much smoother, with no headaches of any sort, even for my partner who usually gets them when she drinks. I ended up having some left, and the only downside I can think of as far as drinking it goes, is it’s not an everyday thing. I drank it a couple days in a row later on in the week, and had some slight stomach pains. However, I attribute this more to the 160 proof nature of the drink, rather than any other sort of deficiency.

So, to wrap this up, if you ever get a chance to try moonshine, do that shit. Well, if it’s from a reputable source, do it, if not, you might want to be wary. Don’t drink the potent shit every day, lest you get stomach cramps. And for fucks sake, don’t drink an entire glass of it. Cause you might be out for a long while.
 
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:story: I want that email to be real so bad, this is the best thing to happen all year if it’s true
This would also explain why Ralph sniffs his finger after sticking it into a landwhale’s ass. He is literaly addicted to shit parasites.
 
I'm skeptical of this one. Just because I can't picture even the randiest sluttiest gay man on earth going anywhere near Ralph? I mean they may be faggots, but they have standards. And Ralph is well below most standards.
 
I genuinely cannot believe 24 carrot of pure fucking gold content the ralphamale consistently provides.

Truly a shining beacon of joy in these dark times.
 
Ralph brings a whole new meaning to gay ops.

But don’t worry! It was all a work when he was getting his fat faggot ass worked over.

Christ is king!
 
Its all a "work" guys, he was just pretending to be gay.

A huge ralphamale win in his book I'm sure.
 
I could definitely see Ralph coming out and using it as an excuse to up and leave May and Rozy. He already abandoned one kid, might as well strike while the opportunity presents itself to abandon the other one.
 
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