Bad Writing Advice

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Just play video games to learn all you need to know about writing good stories.

Reading books, watching plays, movies, or experiencing a variety of different mediums is for schmucks.
 
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Lurkio said:
Just play video games to learn all you need to know to write good stories.

Reading books, watching plays and movies, or experiencing a variety of different mediums is for schmucks.
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Actually, fuck that. Just watch Family Guy and base all your worldbuilding upon that. But make sure it's set in a gritty war-torn battlefield with plenty of soldiers too.
 
Time and distance should always be described in exact measures, preferably using SI units. The more precisely these and any descriptions the better; you want your audience to be able to see your story like a movie in their head, and movies are just images displayed over time.

You only need a single verbal quirk to differentiate how your characters speak, be it a lisp or liberal use of gerrunds (phonetic accents are always fun to read, especially if you sacrifice readibilty for accuracy).

If you have a tangentially related thought in the middle of a sentence, just slap it anywhere between a couple of parentheses.
 
McMitch4kf said:
You only need a single verbal quirk to differentiate how your characters speak, be it a lisp or liberal use of gerrunds (phonetic accents are always fun to read, especially if you sacrifice readibilty for accuracy).
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Hell yeah, readers love indecipherable accents.

Do you have a character that's from the south? No? Well I'ses reckonin' y'all shahda bein puttin one inner dere.
 
Be sure to paint all morality as purely black/white. Grey morality is confusing, and could force the reader to come up with their own interpretation of the material, rather than simply thinking what you want them to think.
 
Setting a scene is unnecessary and only adds unwanted bulk to writing. If you must mention a detail (like a leaf on a particular tree, or the smell of a specific barn), be sure to not incorporate it into the story later. It is preferable to have all characters having conversations in non-descript locations at all times. Extra dialogue is your best friend.
 
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Marco Fucko said:
  1. You should portray the type of people you dislike in real life unsympathetically, obviously.
  2. You should market something as subversive or against the flow when in reality it has one deviation and follows the same basic path as whatever genre you're writing.
  3. You should definitely give a classic story or genre a fresh coat of paint and not really change anything else.
  4. You should make your dialogue as quippy as possible.
  5. You should write at your level of literacy at all times, regardless of a character's education or culture.
  6. Always keep an ace in the hole for your plot. Never evenly lay out information so that readers can reasonably assume how a situation might play out.
  7. Also, never have a long term plan. You never know if your publisher or network wants to make this into an indefinite series!
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You joke, but Steven King got rich from following this list.
 
Use words and expressions like niggér, porch monkey, kiké, heeb, faggot, pillow-biter, chink, gook, spic, wetback, dune-coon, mudslime, cumskin, snownigger, and :julay: as much as possible throughout your book. Publishers love that sort of thing in Current Year.
 
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If you want a cool character, just add on as many quirks and powers as you can imagine! Just make sure she's a regular normal girl for relateability, but she... gasp! Has to choose between TWO superficial hot guys!
 
Dr W said:
Just make sure she's a regular normal girl for relateability, but she... gasp! Has to choose between TWO superficial hot guys!
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Don't forget to make it a love triangle! And for extra reliability points make sure that one of the love interests is bi or pan so the character who doesn't get chosen can be paired up with someone else. That way nobody loses except the bad guys!
 
Remember, children are mouthpieces for wisdom, always. They speak and act like adults and parrot the author's views, so every character can be wowed by how wise and smart they (and by extension the author) are.
 
The cast of a book can never be too large and only be differentiable through surface level traits.

Dr W said:
Remember, children are mouthpieces for wisdom, always. They speak and act like adults and parrot the author's views, so every character can be wowed by how wise and smart they (and by extension the author) are.
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We're talking about writing, not real life politics.
 
If someone says your writing needs to be more "mature", then the solution to that is to include an endless deluge of rape, major character death, self-harm, brainwashing, and other similar subjects. I don't know what the word "edgy" means, but the more times that people in the comments use it to describe your story, the better it is.
If you want to write about something you don't know much about, just take a quick glance at the wikipedia page for it. Don't learn too much about it - nobody likes a know-it-all.
Make as many pop-culture references as you possibly can, ESPECIALLY to current fads like the newest dance craze or some funny picture that's been making the rounds this month. It doesn't matter if your story is set in the past where these things don't exist.
If you make a typo, don't bother correcting it - consistently make that same typo throighout the entire book. People will just assume it's a dialect or something.
If you need to make a cool, badass character, replace some of the letters in their name with numbers. l1k3 th1s.
If you aren't sure how to spell a word, just write every spelling you think it could possibly be, one after the other. It won't come off as nonsensicle nonsensakul nonsentiocle nonsensecal.
 
Here's a few:

- Appeal to specific demographics even if you have no idea about them, it's a great way to expand your reader base.
- Drama is good, but not too much - make sure that even if the hero seems like they're going to lose, make them win. People like surprises, especially if it's never referenced before.
- If you're a good writer, you'll only every make one draft.
- Bigger words make you seem smarter, so use a thesaurus. "The tree looks nice" should look like "That particular tree is looking ravishingly in the luminescent glow of the gas giant around our globe." Remember, the more words, the better picture you paint.
- If you're a good writer, you'll only ever make one draft.
- Describe everything in a scene. You want the reader to feel like they're there. From the pen on the desk, to the bird outside the window - Spare no expense.
- Don't deviate from the character's original personality. They should stay generally the same throughout the story, else you'll risk confusing your readers.
 
  • Give your characters at least three mental illnesses you now nothing about. Four if they're villains.
  • Don't research anything, just take wild guesses, especially if it includes cultures, religions, and various types of witchcraft.
  • Everything and everyone MUST be gay. No exceptions. Because representation matters.
  • Include only the extreme stereotypes of gay people, no one likes a white bread gay who's personality is more than just their sexuality.
  • Kill your main character, no matter how likable they are just do it. You'll thank me for this one later.
 
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