Amusing Engrish from Item Listings

[Blasterisk]

EPIC NOODLE SORCERY

Judging by the other offerings of the same brand, it may be intentional, but I was amused.

 

[femboy fart huffer]

I was bored so I thought I'd look through some temu shit myself instead of just watching the thread. Here is the default searches for someone not logged in on tor when the end node is in Sweden.

I do not know if this is just the standard temu experience, if they somehow know me, or if this just truly is how Swedes are. Absolute ballache to use the site though holy fuck. God knows how many popups, random forced signins and ublock giving up and just showing 999+.

Spoiler: fake tits

The first thing I see under femboy acessories.

Easy to gather
Create a long ditch
I fucking hope you're not getting your ditches installed off of temu. Bad enough when a 'proper' doctor does it let alone temu. Fucker cheaped out and got me a temu pussy installed smh.

superthickening

Every second A goes to D
small boobs go to big boobs
Be the first time anyone's ever told me 2.5inch is super thick.

How about a welder gun thing that works on an LGBT inverter?


Fit the skin without tight

I am reading all of these in a vincesauce yoey sweden voice idk if that changes anything, maybe they're more enjoyable to me of that.

BEWARE OF GREAT PYRENEES mountain dog MOUNTAIN DOG

The long awaited cousin of the shiba inu dog. This image just confuses me. It's got mounting holes but also four rivets? That have nothing to do with mounting the thing? And it's rusted yet made of aluminium?

COFFEE
G T
PERENEES
ENGIK
Is this like Hacker T Dog? Great T Pyrenees? Also that doesn't look like a pyr either.

Shrimp in the sheets. Tired man on the streets.


Not really engrish but I don't think I can customise my name just like that. Fairly sure I need some court approval and shit first. I was mainly just looking for pigeon shit because I thought one was a cool bird landing in a tree but it's just a pigeon.


Winter reading essential
Travel companion
Warm sheets
Pet love them
Holiday gift

If my scenario is that I have warm sheets how would a blanket help that? That's going to make it worse.

I want you to be prepared to read the following to the tune of 'take me down to funky town'

Spoiler

Take you to learn more about product specification

Attribute: real shrimp
If we've genetically engineered real shrimp to have a fucking spear on their back I'm never touching water again.

Simulation food

First we've got a metaverse then we had an ai generation now we've got fucking simulated food. Can't have shit in Coruscant. Cranberry and shrimp is a fucking devious combination. Don't know who put those two together but they need like instead of the fbi showing up to check their hard drives they need that but for their tastebuds. FBI OPEN UP, ok now go aaaaa and move your tongue to the left please. Or I guess actually cat food manufacturers probably don't taste test the cat food themselves do they?

I don't know why but fishing bait names are apparently wack?
STRAWBERRY OVERLORD


Red Worm Expert
Fishing Attractant


PRAWN SAUCE
CONCENTRATED FISHINGADDITIVE

MAKES FISH HIGHLY FASCINATED

Reminds me of the old 'you can fascinate a woman by giving her a piece of cheese' advice.

SPRAYONCE SPRAY
MADLY BITINGTHE HOOK
CRAB ELEMENT

Why is there a fish? It's a fucking crab attractant? Glad we could finally get a SPRAYONCE in a spray. Tired of using SPRAYONCE roll ons.

It can simulate the odor of excreta of aquatic organisms or aquatic animals, and has a strong attraction to fish.

Don't think you're allowed to have a strong attraction to fish. Got kicked out the aquarium last time I did that.

I wanted to see if there was any jekonmo related items but there's no results for jekonmo. But I thought honestly jekonmo on it's own could fit this thread so I went to screenshot that. Instead I got

PURE DIABETES
Not sure I want that. I don't want diabetes. Certainly don't want to have to pay for it.

Here's the real jekonmo. I can't post jekonmo and not link the video that made it popular kinda doing the same as this thread but for african herbal potions. I'm not sure if I should be spoilering this image because it is a naked man there but honestly it's such low quality it looks like a fucking sofa.

With indications(?) for
E MAN EXTRA POWER
E PILE
E WAIST PAINS
E LOW SPERM COUNT
NOT TO BE USED BY PREGNANT WOMAN (jurys out on whether it's ok for two pregnant women to have a go at the same time, for all those pregnant women with low sperm counts)

Can I interest you in a self reliant bag? For the guy who's tired of looking after his plastic bags.

I found an entire fucking block of cheese, just a straight cheese wheel, on there too and I thought the writing was all fucked up and garbled then I realised it's just french. The entire section is literally just cheese wheels and unreasonable amounts of vanilla beans?

POWER ORAL JELLY

Is this the oral sex version of Japanese energy jelly? The rest of the box is in french so it makes sense it'd be for sucking cock. Especially as it claims you can get 20 bustine monooss da 10 mie which I assume means 20 orgasms in 10 minutes.

I wanted to see if there was any of the fabled chinese mangoes I keep seeing hyped up. The only thing I got was a chinese book on mangoes with a purchase with caution warning.

I did find some fucking white chocolate mango though? Maybe prawn and cranberry isn't that abnormal afterall?

How about a nice bottle of absinthe absinlit?

Is this what the kids mean when they say they're getting lit? And no it gives literally no results, this isn't some foreign way of spelling it. And holy fuck what an ugly as absinlit ai image dear god this thing must be old, the newer models I don't think they are even capable of making something this fucked up anymore. Hell maybe this is just an accurate representation of how it feels to be a graphic designer after a bottle of absinthe?

I know it's probably cheating to use product titles especially ai ones

But I just love my Wesker soft flannel throw with a stylish design that embodies the gatekeep, gaslight, girlboss aesthetic.
There's loads of things that are just funny random images that they plucked out of some hellhole in the internet that everyone forgot about.

Proprietary formula nourishes hair

They say while telling you exactly what is in it.

If I was scrolling too quick and misread 'turmeric with ginger' as 'turmeric nigger' does that count?

Cut off the top part
Spinning till the bottom
Pull out
Get pineapple ring
If you like chunks use the wedger
To make ready to eat pineapple chunks

First three steps sound like a good night to me.
I also just want to include this fucking whimsical image.

Baby's first pineapple aside from it's a middle aged woman. Why is she so happy? Do women really love pineapples this much?
Don't forget to turn your pineapple husk into a fun creative display

You know. Like a Victorian would. Just display the skin of an exotic fruit. Brag to your friends about how you ate a pineapple. Show everyone your pineapple skin.

I don't know if this is engrish or if this is just what it's meant to be.
But a pocket hug.

Pineapples are known for being soft and hugable aren't they?

How about an outdoor monocular telescope binoculars?

Bit like being a gay bisexual.

It's perfect for all your needs

Such as
Spotting savanna animals on a snowy mountain
Spying on women
Or even spying on a child that I thought was fucking shirtless when I first saw this image
A great gift for your paradoxical safari loving sex offender friends.

Or you can get a night vision one

This one is great for camping and fishing and observing animals and adventures and also outdoor activities. Just wanted to clarify, good for outdoor activities. Just incase you go fishing in the bathtub I guess? Who doesn't pitch a tent in the living room once in a while?

How about a season specific pillow thing? At least you can adjust it for free.

It's a true biessing. Gives you true waist protection and true belly support. It even has tencel breathable? Idk much about incel shit to know what a tencel is but if the woman's pregnant I think she's maybe just a ten at that point? Or is she a ninecel?

How does this thing work anyway? There's a piece of fabric between the two halves? How is it on her stomach? Do you wear thing thing like a thong? Does her pregnancy give her stomach teleportation powers?

But it's ok because send auxiliary pillow.

Every pregnant woman wants to be sent an auxiliary pillow. First thing you learn in biology.

I was looking to see if there were any fake seeds. The fucking first thing I open.

The black tomato of crime? Fucking george floyd got reincarnated as a french tomato. Great. Je suis un noir tomat nigga.

I know it's not really engrish

But who the fuck wants a chart of birthing positions on their mug? QUICK DAVE MY WATERS BROKE GET ME THE COFFEE MUG SO I KNOW WHAT TO DO? What the fuck is the first one in the third row? Yea sorry hold on a minute I need to get my childbirthing lawnmower out?

Transfer the sensations of birth as they build, to the orbs.

Maternity ward cbt. Who doesn't have their pregnancy aid walnut on standby just incase another baby pops out? If you go in to a fucking maternity ward with a bag full of random spiky balls they'll fucking take the kid away from you when it comes out.

A glass full of something new
a mouthful of something delicate

Well I guess if you take that advice you won't be needing the pregnancy conkers?

I think this auto complete speaks for itself.

No results for 'cow urine' either.

I went looking for super niche things. Random chemicals and yag gems but it's all just actual products with descriptions and images made by humans. Wtf. They have some really cool rocks though.

Quite a lot of results for 'fent'.

Just incase you like fentcing I guess? Maybe this isn't meant to say damn. This is actually my mate Daniel March's shirt. Sometimes he loses it and it helps for him to have his name on the front.

There's not even any text in the entire page for this one. I just want to know is this intentional? Is my cock meant to be a mushroom?

That feels intentional.

Fuck engrish for a second what the fuck is french?

Yea mate give me a sac de culture. What I'm meant to read that and think that french people aren't all cum hungry gays?

Fundamental tee
Trendy simple
Versatile

I guess versatile as long as you don't live anywhere with police nearby? I agree though it is my fundamental tee as a bogdwelling briton to go out and eat the cow shit shrooms. The police cannot stop me the bog blocks their tires.

The unique gift ideas
It will be the perfect every day accessory for any little girl

If I wake up and my wife isn't wearing her 30cm tall dsl triffid item then I am beating the shit out of her and getting a divorce. Call it controlling and abusive. Try call the police on me. The fuck are they going to do? Yea come try arrest me fool you will be devoured chinese style. Fucking police down the triffid throat like a chink down the escalator throat. Fuck you.

I feel I might be a little drunk. Maybe. I have looked at all of the things I wish to look at for each search term. I am satisfied. I have now however returned to the start. The first tab I opened. Sissy. I fear I might be slightly too delirious to look at sissy shit but onwards we go.

It's mostly just generic coomer outfits. There is this amazing shirt though.

Crossdressing submissive he says with big sexy strong arms. Yea I go to the gym every day but that never stopped the sissy grindset. I lift weights in the gym so I can lift my skirt in the cuck function.

Unisex love
Onesie sleeping bag
When in motion it exudes a stronger sense of power
Static state it releases sexual tension

You know how all the trannies say they're butterflies and all that shit? Yea we fucking found the cocoon stage boys. What the fuck sense of power though? Nothing makes me feel strong like a good old writhe around in my sissy sack.

Deepen the indentation

It's already a good image but the fucking first review man he's got his fucking face in the profile.

Some fucking old bloke and his entire profile is just

Come on man someone come collect their grandad he's sissyposting again.

I have spent far too long on this shit. I have wasted far too much of my life on fucking temu sissy plant vore items. There's not even anything sexy either. No foot fleshlight (indian). Nothing. They didn't even have any fucking protein gamer snusk powder either. What a fucking scam. No jekonmo and no snusk. No wonder china is full of balding sissy shrimp oil drinkers.

 

[Aunt Carol]

I don't know if this is engrish or if this is just what it's meant to be.
But a pocket hug.

The pineapple part is weird, but this is the kind of thing you buy 30 of to give to everyone at the office/school/clinic when you are a middle-aged woman. Either you buy the "pocket hug" preassembled and it has a charm or a heart-shaped cabochon stuck to it, or you print out the cards and crochet a bunch of hearts.

Or you paint rocks and glue them on. Or you have plastic pickle charms and write different text that says it's for when you're "in a pickle." This is definitely a thing; it's just the pineapple that doesn't make sense.

If I wake up and my wife isn't wearing her 30cm tall dsl triffid item then I am beating the shit out of her and getting a divorce. Call it controlling and abusive. Try call the police on me. The fuck are they going to do? Yea come try arrest me fool you will be devoured chinese style. Fucking police down the triffid throat like a chink down the escalator throat. Fuck you.

No! That is NOT a triffid!

That's Audrey II. Audrey II lives in a pot, sings, and eats people with its mouth. Triffids shuffle slowly on three "legs," sting with a poison lash, then squat on/next to the corpse to enjoy the decomposition.

Come on man someone come collect their grandad he's sissyposting again.

I feel bad for the EMTs who do have to collect grandpa when he breaks a hip in his sci-fi cosplay dark green patterned futuristic warrior outfit.



Thank you for sharing pictures from your drunken Swedish safari. I noticed that on the more impulse-oriented sites, they've started putting that little "2d image" disclaimer. Too easy to trick people into buying a printout of an AI image; they need a handicap.


eta: You can get a Girlboss Wesker towel where the cropping is much better, but it only comes in asexual.

 

[femboy fart huffer]

That's Audrey II

Urrhhhmmmmmmmm akshually that's neither it's actually 1pc Realistic Carnivorous Flytrap-like Flower Pot Decoration - Resin Self-Closing Traps, Fake Plant with Moving Parts for Outdoor/ Halloween & Gothic Garden, Pot Not Included (Vampire Plant, Deadly Nightshade Replica). It quite clearly says in one of the images that it's a simulation piranha resin.

This is definitely a thing; it's just the pineapple that doesn't make sense.

I figured it was something like that but I would simply rather ignore reality and live in a world where you give friends pineapples to carry around with them incase they ever need to hug anything. If I can get an emotional support peacock then why can't I get an emotional support pineapple? If you squint hard enough a pineapple is just a golden labrador with a funny hat on. Yes I bought my glasses from temu why do you ask?

You can get a Girlboss Wesker towel where the cropping is much better, but it only comes in asexual.

That's like getting some belle delphine type woman on a gay flag? Yea maybe you might be asexual when you order it but once you get Wesker in the flesh you won't be.

I feel bad for the EMTs who do have to collect grandpa when he breaks a hip in his sci-fi cosplay dark green patterned futuristic warrior outfit.

My favourite part is the sizes. Yea uhh let me get an xxxxl women's lace bra to go with my xxxl scifi dark green pattern warrior outfit with removable cape. I know it's asian sizes but still. I'm just picturing one day a chinese manufacturer leans in to the sissy market and makes american sizes but no one realises before ordering and just end up with a my 600lbs life drag queen show.

Thank you for sharing pictures from your drunken Swedish safari. I noticed that on the more impulse-oriented sites, they've started putting that little "2d image" disclaimer. Too easy to trick people into buying a printout of an AI image; they need a handicap.

It was half french too. I think that's why I got a load of cheese and things with full french descriptions. Funnily enough it also was rather african. I think they lumped all french speaking countries into one group. I think maybe they put the 2d flat thing on so people complain less? I would assume it's to make any of the retards that buy this junk just assume that they didn't get scammed and it's actually their fault for not reading things fully.

Idk if it makes sense but half the time if I read a thread I kinda feel the need to add to it instead of just being a freeloader.

 

[femboy fart huffer]

I was kinda disappointed at the lack of wack sex shit from temu. I wanted a fucking temurgasm god damn it. Wish however

Spoiler

I cannot be bothered to individually spoiler every image. Maybe some won't be sexual but oh well.

I will start off with foot fleshlights. Normal version, not indian. I am once again reminded how shit these websites are. Let me fucking search 'feet' in the sex part. Look I have opened a fair few things already. I'm going to need a drink holy shit. I will apologise in advance for my writing being of lower quality than what I am mocking. On a single page even just the thumbnails are funnier than most of the temu shit. Thank god it's a bank holiday.

My favourite type of foot sex. The stocking airplane egg foot sex with dormitory decompression. Of course.

Look I know I'm meant to be Irish and all that shit fucking AngloIrish yea I know I'm meant to be a fucking fat cunt drinking gallons of beer a day but fucking hell I might have accidentally poured slightly too strong. One image in and it's already fucked. I have an uncountable number of tabs open. Shits strong enough yea put some hair on my chest nigger this will put fucking wings on my eggs that will.

Male electric penis insertion devices.

Got that cybercock I have. Stick my balls in the mains outlet for a snack.

No matter the male or female skilled use, the place will be very cool.

Very cool very swag I like it. Op op oppa chinese urethra style.
It's ok though because your urethral sounding rod is made of baby pacifier silicone.

Just be calmed by the knowledge that the item you just shoved in your cock hole could in fact be sucked on by a baby and cause no issues. Puts my mind right to ease that does.

Your eyes will blead?

I mean. They certainly fucking are. I guess they got that right at least.

Anti eye is actually a good way to describe buying fucking welding goggles from wish.


Extended foot film
Goat milk
The naturalisation during the silence of the wet

Duke Nukem GOAT HAM. The silence of the wet sounds like what a fish holocaust would be called.

Purple light at the bottom
Purple light at the bottom

Come one come all and witness the uhhhh idk but it lets out a fucking mean vape and it's got a purple light at the bottom. God who doesn't love just all technology should have a purple light at the bottom.

I know the chinks write right to left but someone tell them they don't need to take it so literally.


Locked and loaded
Corporal punishment

Back in my day the teacher would just hit you with a ruler but now no state enforced cock cages.
Please prevail in kind


Removable urination

Just take it out. Just remove it. Just simply remove the ability to piss. Homeless peeople just should get a house and the pants pissers should just remove their pissing ability. Simple as.

Install the back strap to stabilise and upgrade the swimming hot spring without fear

It's like how the bookshelves have hidden buttons. You press a book and a passageway appears or you put the strap on and it stops the ground from shaking (earthquake prevention) and the swimming hot spring becomes a idk it becomes better somehow idk it becomes a hot summer or something.

THE ULTIMATE SERVICE TO YOUR PENIS

Fuck you army cunts oh serve your country fuck you the ultimate service is done to my cock.

Side accessory breasts
Three breasted chest adjustment

Minitom has a third nostril and I've got a third breast.

I know this is more of an actual English thing and not so much engrish

But vaginal itching cream. Just for when you want to make that thing itch. Gaurenteed to make it itch within 5 minutes or your money back. Also look. I know I'm meant to be a faggot with the name and all. But even if I had never had sex with a woman I would know that that right there is not a vagina. That's your fucking thigh. Babe look I know it's hard dealing with vaginal shit but come on don't be rubbing your pussy cream on your thighs.

The choice of thousands of women gathers the corset of the secondary breasts

If I got a third tit and also secondary tits do I have six in total? Or are we talking udders. Are you a cow? Is this for cows?

Look I know it's just not any language issues. I just need toshare this image

Just fucking whip out the giant horse cock in the middle of a chess game. Magnus carlson and his anal beads spoke of this. Fuckers got a shockwave too and all. Someone get me the invisible bra strap I need to stabilise the hot spring stat.

I CAN COMPLETELY WRAP THE PENIS

Also if you describe your pussy as 'soft babylike skin' you belong in a fucking jail. That is possibly the most revolting non gross thing you can say about it. Yea sorry I don't exactly want to rub my cock on a baby. Controversial opinion I know.

TRANSGEND

Is that like when you're not transgender? Yea you can say transgend but don't hard er that shit. That's out word transgenda. Also why the fuck is the gay pride one like that? They got the lesbian one right but nah gay pride is the normal homosexual with niggers? Come on us faggots have an actual flag god damn it.

SENSUAL RAPTURE
delighting in tension with toys

Look man I don't know what to tell you but if you're doing this shit you've got another rapture to be more worried about. How do you rapture your cock anyway? Sounds painful I don't want that.

2m take a photo cable

Just a take a photo cable. Who hasn't heard of that before? Just a cable for take a photo. Of course.

Water gun manual continuous hair
no fear of eight water

I fucking wish I had continuous hair. I'm no fan of eight water either. I much prefer to use the proper term: 1.3284310905016098E-23mol.

A metal anal dilator for exploring

Just standard really. Honey put on the indiana jones cosplay I'm ready for you to get peeking. Just have a little look inside. That's what I do. I gape my asshole and then just have a look inside. Never know what you might see. Seen a couple songbirds up there one time. Eel an all.

ENJOY THE TRUE FEELING OF SEX
Its the first time youve ever been in love
The ultimate service to your penis

I can confirm that this is the real true feeling of sex. A cold lump of silicone is just like real sex.

TELESCOPIC IMPACT
The silk slides into the body

Is this where that Gorou guy is from? He's kinda cute. Also look I'm no expert but fucking yourself with silk sounds vile. Yea mate shove a tshirt up there. Fucking let me vaginally boof a clothing store mate yeaaaaa.

Ohhhhh the horse eye sailor roll and go when they come down tae san fran cisco

Look a fucking horse eye he could be seeing shit better than I be at the moment. I actually know what this means. Chinks call the urethra a horse eye because horse eyes have slit eyes (vertical not chink style horizontal) and so it looks like a horse eye. My cock is my third eye and by god I'm a brony.

ALIEN CoNDoM
Different choice
difference sense
100% electronically tested

It looks like a fucking mouldy petri dish. That shits what happens when you leave a cup noodle out too long.


DARLING I CANT HELP IT
I want to enter your body experience the alternative intoxicating pleasure of sex

I said this to my wife just now. She wais she would not have sex with me if I said that to her. But I said it to her so. Huh. This is just india. This is how indians flirt.

Got all three of the triple pleasures
Got the flapping keys
Vibrating keysE
Even retractable keys

Fuck knows how you get in your house but you sure as fuck can flap and vibrate and retract in your locks if you want to.

Need me some foot care caream to take care of my beriberi

Or is this just chinky onotmatopeias? Res it make de feet feer beri beri gud.

RREALISTICHORSEDILDOSEXUAL

With vivid balls. Honestly. Those balls don't look very vivid. They look very smooth and flat. Do horses even have balls? I've never seen a horse's balls. Seen a fair few horse cocks but I don't ever remember seeing a massive dangling sack.

I'm not sure where this is meant to go. But it does not matter. Are you going to insert anything in to you body when the machine has MEET NATIONAL SAFETY STANDARDS printed on it? Like yea I'm glad it passes the standards but why the fuck is that printed on the actual housing of the device?


Finally a device to clean all seven of my anal holes.


There are various ways to wear sexybai changes

Appparently

Step 1 KEEP YOUR FEET DRY DO NOT WET THEM LIKE IN THE IMAGE

Step 2 allign the spring hole
This was wormwood foot pads btw. Not moon shoes.

Or would you rather your fart box be remote control?


Why do I need chinky earbuds TO LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF GOD?

I mean my headphones right now are already playing shit from the corries?

I am at the point of being drunk where both literally everything I am reading is funny and I cannot tell if it's engrish or if it's normal and I'm just fucked. Oops.

But.

It's ok.

I have done.

I am finished.

WITH THE WISH SHIT SIKE CUNT IVE GOT ALIEXPRESS OPEN TOO FUCKERS

Fucking simulated dildo

Don't know how. Simulated dildo. Do you order this and it just fucking gapes on it's own. Hit checkout and you become goatsy?

Getting fucking denied on the captchas this shithole demands because my mouse movement isn't human enough. Not my fault I'm half human half gin mate. Fucking cunts blocked me from opening item listings the cheeky gits have.

RULE 1
DO NOT COME COME
subtext
smelling of other dogs

I don't think this is how rules are meant to work.

The first thing I see when looking up african herb

Look I'm no mug(wort) I know what that is. That's the real gamer snusk that.

I know I aimed to find retarded sex shit

I guess it's not retarded it's true just don't think sichuan peppercorns belong in a sex place
Seriously dont buy it if its not disassembled

Me when I walk into the lego store. Fucking hate a turbid colour soup.

Me when I have a vore fetish but cannot spell.


Then there's this thing that showed up in the search for vore and like

I'm just glad we're back to shit to fuck you feel?

Now it's fucking demanding I take a photo of myself for id verification?
ON A FUCKING DESKTOP PC YOU CHINK NIGGER???????????????
Sorry I'm not a webcam whore.
Why do they all do this? Just let me look at your shit? Why do you give a shit if I'm on tor? Why are you blocking me? Why do you care? It's just cringe. Fucking kill joy. I found a really funny looking adult diaper too. And they want to stop me from looking at it? What the fuck? That's so mean.
Nigger now it's fucking demanding a phone number? To look at items. Holy fucking ccp faggotry. Jesus. Proper killed the vibe that has too. I was having fun but no I need to use a non existent camera to show my face after getting through a captcha that I keep failing fucking somehow. God I hate the modern internet. What other chink shitholes can I laugh at? God what a fucking ballache. Why? Like genuinely what's the fucking point? That's pissed me off that has and all. Fucking chink pricks. LET ME LOOK AT YOUR FUCKING TECHNICOLOUR GIANT CHEST HIGH DIAPER YOU FUCKING CCP FAGGOTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This was promised to me 3000 years ago (in the joseph and the technicolour dreamcoat book) Taking so long to even get back into the site I'm sobering up. That's how bad this is. Or how fat I am.

I literally cannot get into the pages anymore. I have been locked out. Shopping chastity. I will not appologise for the quality of the images from here on it. This is because I have done nothing wrong. I will not appologise for something I did not do. I am a hard headed cunt. Fuck the ccp. Show me you foot fetish items you fucking yellow bastard.

Why would they specify it's imported material? Is that not literally everything on the site? I don't fucking live in china?

And can I get one with the peculiar smell?

Honestly I thought this said toes to begin with


If your feet don't have a deep cervix and a couple side squeezing spheres I'm not interested.

Glad to know this foot shaped lump of silicone is compatible with stockings.

I was worried I might need to update my foot fuck hole to be allowed to put stockings on.

Is this a good thing?

Do I want my love life to be no longer simple?

Experience real ball (CBT) during sex

Just in case you had been using your fake balls for sex?
You don't need to buy any of this shit to experience cbt. Just use aliexpress through tor and that'll do plenty enough. Hell even just try typing shit out on tor after a while it starts to complain. What the fuck do you mean this post is really long shut up.

Who wants to have a bit of dried autumn on the door with me?



I can't fucking find the diaper thing I was looking at. Imagine this thing but lined with fluffy shit.

Surely you don't want to wear a massive fluffy thing if you're pissing yourself? That sounds like an absolute bitch to wash.

Who the fuck is using their massive dildo in the fucking office?


Well I'd fucking hope it's an egg free design. Think that's what women are for normally.


Glad to hear that my dragon dildo respects my mormonism and is fine with me soaking.


Soft and flexible
It keeps you orgasmic

Look. I know one thing about sex. Soft and flexible is maybe the polar opposite of orgasmic. Unless it's orgasmic (past tense) and you've waited a few minutes?

Spice up the fun
Activate love dopamine

Is a thing you can do but I mostly just fucking saw this absolute slime image
Are you ready to have some snacks?

I say as I look at a fucking crib with dildos in it. I would say call cps but I mean it's ai anyway. Still who the fuck does yea mate let me have a little dildo picnic on my kids bed?

Born for excitement
Attack every sensitive point

Finally a buttplug for me to wear while bringing up absentee fathers to the black guys I know.

ANAL SEX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Just paste it on any smooth surface and start an incredibly sexy!

Does my baby skin fleshlight count as a smooth surface?

Card ring design for image competence.

That's what they all say in the sissy hypno videos. Oooooh you are becoming very sleepy and you love penis ooooohhh you are a sissy and card ring design for image competence.

Troubled beast CB trapped

Yea I'm an alpha male do you want to see my troubled beast?

The porous design prevents the mean from becoming soggy.

Just in case your cock ever gets waterlogged?

Can be worn wihle showering or swimming

Are you in an incredibly niche bdsm relationship? Yea I do the kinkiest of shit but only in the swimming pool?

A big urine mouth?

Well I guess I was talking about a bdsm swimming relationship. Watersports is only logical.

Quick charge
Takes around 150 minutes to full power

We have different meanings of the word 'quick'

The encounter of metal and wild bring strong sensory stimulation


Honestly being unable to even fucking look at the things properly is a ballache. It's fully killed the vibe so I'll just leave it there for wack sex shit. Mostly. Honestly I'm not a tranny but there's a lot of like uwu cutesy foidslop on there that maybe if I wasn't a 6 4 bald fat man. Was a good couple hours at least.

 

[Aunt Carol]

If I got a third tit and also secondary tits do I have six in total? Or are we talking udders. Are you a cow? Is this for cows?

I guess "sideboob" isn't in the translation dictionary yet. You look at the more architectural bras, or even the Wonderbra, and the secret is that it scoops sideboob fat and uses it to bolster the regular front boobs.

Quadboob is when shaped cups are too discrete and they noticeably shift tissue into the sideboobs instead. Monoboob mostly happens with sports bras.

A metal anal dilator for exploring

Fisting/peeking/humping/exploring is a Daft Punk song, I think.

Need me some foot care caream to take care of my beriberi

Or is this just chinky onotmatopeias? Res it make de feet feer beri beri gud.

I posted a foot brush that also claimed to treat beriberi! I wonder if someone screwed up and added "beriberi" on a list of English synonyms for "foot callus." Wet beriberi causes pedal edema, which is definitely not the same as calluses, but maybe there's just a list of "English words for foot problems" and they pick whichever one they didn't use already.

RULE 1
DO NOT COME COME
subtext
smelling of other dogs

Proof that the drunk thing is not a posting gimmick: Rule #1 says "don't come home smelling of other dogs."

Are you ready to have some snacks?

Are those modeled after strawberries, on top of whipped cream, on top of an Oreo or something? That was a miscalculation; they look like dog penis. It's no corn dildo.

The porous design prevents the mean from becoming soggy.

Just in case your cock ever gets waterlogged?

a. You're supposed to wear this all day, including while you pee; skin maceration doesn't just happen to the drowning victims in my police procedurals.
b. soggy meat lol

 

[femboy fart huffer]

Are those modeled after strawberries, on top of whipped cream, on top of an Oreo or something? That was a miscalculation; they look like dog penis. It's no corn dildo.

There are a lot of wack novelty half sculpture half dildo things on chinese marketplaces. If I was physically able to I could probably start a thread on just wack sex toys but alas China says no to tor based anal masturbation.

Spoiler: it took me two seconds to find this

An inflatable koi carp that spits eggs into you from it's mouth.

How about a snake?

That's just a snake. That's it. It's literally just a silicone snake the size of your arm. You wouldn't even need to hide it, you could leave that out and no one would assume it's meant to go inside you.
Or there's a face hugger.

It hugs you with it's vagina btw. And it's tail is a dildo.

See what I mean when I say I could probably make a thread kinda like this one but just for fucking wack dildos? That's from two pages out of five from a single company. And that wasn't even all the wack things either, just the strangest of the already strange collection.

Rule #1 says "don't come home smelling of other dogs."

That was just a typo. I mean like the formatting is
TITLE: DO NOT COME HOME
subtitle: smelling of other dogs

a. You're supposed to wear this all day, including while you pee; skin maceration doesn't just happen to the drowning victims in my police procedurals.

I think you're meant to macerate something other than your skin in one of those. Specifically the prostate.

I guess "sideboob" isn't in the translation dictionary yet.

They are chinese after all. They're not exactly know for large breasts or obesity.

 

[Otterly]

Why is she so happy? Do women really love pineapples this much?

There used to be an entire blog devoted to images of women laughing alone with salad

I know it's asian sizes but still.

They aren’t that different surely? I usually go go one size up for anything Asian.
The rest of your post is simultaneously horrific and hilarious. You know that’s what they used to use the bound feet for over there?

 

[femboy fart huffer]

They aren’t that different surely? I usually go go one size up for anything Asian.

Yea you go up one size for Asian clothes. You're also not a man. It's not Asian men to European man, it's Asian woman to European man.

You know that’s what they used to use the bound feet for over there?

Which part? The foot fleshlight? I mean I guess it would bind ok but I thought they just used cloth.

 

[Aunt Carol]

dog luminous hole shoes


Instant Bum Refresh

new ad copy, same (?) product as before


MONUMENTTOUCH-UP PENE

Don't believe the label of the touch-up pene; this was created specifically for tombstones.

 

[femboy fart huffer]

MONUMENTTOUCH-UP PENE

Damn rip 'MV HOG' may you crank that hog in hog heaven brother.

 

[Carnavoyeur]

The best choice for the festival