The FBI gets notified about mean comments aimed at a fat bitch on YouTube and jumps into action! (No job too big; no pup too small! PAW PATROL IS ON A ROLL!) They're able to find the troublemaker based on a user name alone (or maybe with YouTube's help? Amber needs to develop this part of the story more). Despite Amber being in GRAVE DANGER, they are unable to find her through all of the information that YouTube has on her (banking records, IP addresses, etc).
They are unable to do a basic google search on her, because apparently their funding is woefully insufficient and they're all trying to use computers with broken "R" keys, and nothing turned up for "Ambelynn Eid"... Actually, nevermind: even when you type that, she STILL pops up. Maybe all of the vowel keys are fucked on every computer in the building?... Okay I got it: They were unable to find her through extensive scouring of both public and private records, due to searching for "Amberlynn Reid", instead of "Amber Lynn Reid". Yeah, that's the ticket!
ANYWAY! Time to step away from the computer and solve this case, gumshoe-style! They can't find her father in California, despite his extensive criminal record and the guarantee that he was either at the local homeless encampment or in the pokey. They couldn't find her mother's family in Oklahoma city either, despite Kristine being "known to police" (to put it politely). They couldn't find any trace of Amberlynn in Arizona, despite her going to school there as well as collecting welfare (or food stamps, WHATEVER) In fact, they only found the OTHER "Amberlynn Reid" with the different birthday and the warrant that Ambo learned about all those years ago when she needed to get a ride home from the cop due to wearing the wrong shoes. They couldn't find any trace of her in Florida, where she was employed and rented property. And they couldn't find any trace of her in Kentucky, where she was employed in a GOVERNMENT JOB (I know it was data entry for a private contractor - don't ruin the story), paid taxes, rented property, and was still living there....
So then they apparently punted this over to the SEATTLE WASHINGTON Division of the FBI...
Thank you for your service,
Mr "Seattle Division" (aka "Frank"), member of the Paget Sound Joint Terrorism Task Force! (OMG Amber could you at least
TRY once in a while?!) I hope you remembered to email Elon Musk this week so he can recognize your hard work and dedication to justice!
Photo courtesy of @ExtraHecticana of YouTube (read: stolen without permission). If you're looking for a new reaction channel, he's funny without all of the OTT fake outrage. You might want to give him a watch and see what you think.
So, FBI Frank takes over the case, and manages to find a trace of Amber in VIRGINIA. You know, the state where her existence was almost ENTIRELY off the grid (except for maybe renewing a state ID at some point) and she just stunk up the house of some sped and her parents while annoying the shit outta 27 subscribers on YouTube? Apparently, FBI Frank is a professional retard (worthy of The Farms), and traced her location by tracking earring deliveries entering the country in 2014 from Shop MissA. He knows that he can't just contact Krystle, or even her parents James and Wanda, lest he frightens our timid and dainty gorl. So instead, he seeks out THE SISTER who had almost no contact with Amber - except to endure her shrill voice and aggravating antics at a couple of family events.
FBI Frank gets on a plane and flies across the entire country to knock on the door of essentially a complete stranger who has no idea what Amber's been up to since she felt the ground shake from her presence 7 years prior. After trying to tell FBI Frank about the Kiwi Farms (which neither he nor the rest of the alphabet agencies knew ANYTHING about), and explaining Reddit and GOOGLE to him to no avail, she politely accepts his business card and agrees to contact Amberlynn for him. After leaving to catch his flight back to Washington, Krystle's sister contacts Amber at her current phone number (that the sister seems to magically have despite 7 years of no contact) to pass on the message.
Having completely exhausted both his leads and his Aeroplan Points, FBI Frank has no choice but to play the waiting game. 5 coffees and 443 games of Minesweeper later, FBI Frank leaves his desk to use the bathroom, where he misses the call from Amberlynn. Fortunately, his secretary Madeline (that's a Dixon Hill reference), is as passionate about her job as FBI Frank is about his, so she gives Amber his private number. You would think that was a breach of protocol, but what you don't understand is that FBI Frank has spent many a lunch break with Madeline, telling her stories of Amber's majesty while they both fawned over her subscriber count and remarked about how amazing she must smell.
FBI Frank, so concerned for Amber's welfare (and mesmerized by her beauty and grace), takes the call while still on the crapper and immediately blurts out over the phone that she's not in trouble, doxes the asshole who made the mean tweets, and gushes over Amber's celebrity status. He tells her that if she has any more concerns, she can contact him day or night, and he'll personally "disappear" any other haydur who DARES to utter a death threat or call Amber fat again. FBI Frank then makes a pass at Amber, and has his heart crushed when she informs him that as a lesbian she is "strictly clitty", and despite his confidence in his ability to change that for her, she has long left her days of movie theatre double handies in the past.
covid chronicles vlog" a little after the 5 minute mark?