FREEZE FRAME!!
(lol)
Amber's about to do her makeup while listening to some sort of H3 shit.
JUMPCUT!! Makeup done, and on InstaCart on her phone. "WE have decided to order today". You must be using the royal 'we', as it's been clear that FLEE already FLED.
Amber doesn't know what she needs in her life... she thinks it's time to go back to 'the basics' of weightloss. So... you're moving back in with Krystle where all food sources were behind lock and key? Back to Monticello with a zombified butler who can't drive and no food delivery services? Those were the only two 'basic' weight loss plans that actually worked for you.
Oh, it's just "eat healthier", which makes her brain think "meat and vegetables" - and results in her DoorDashing "McDonalds".
Amber's mad at carbs.
JUMPCUT!! ARRRRGHHH!! FUCKING HELL!!
It's OFFICIAL: Ambo's fatfishing a new wiper. Good job, when you fall down, you get back up on the whore- uh, horse.... uh, nevermind: just try again and get that wheel turning. (You were supposed to bathe and wash your hair first, but it's fine).
(Also, LOL at that 34" 'cleavage' line)
JUMPCUT!! The num-nums have arrived! Amber bought a bag of potato assassins. She insists it's fine, because a potato never killed anyone - then jumps to a clip of her story of almost choking to death on a potato. HAH! I thought I was watching a react for a second. That's actually funny (because I know everything on her channel is purely performative). Those pearl-clutching Ambabies are going to shit their pants over this. Pehaps her content needs an age-rating or something. Anyway, it's just her usual hauls of some real food mixed in with 'pretend' healthy food (processed junk).
JUMPCUT!! POPCICLE STICK QUESTION TIME! Question: Do you think Chantal lies about her weight? Answer: Based on Amber's experiences and size and shape, she thinks that Chantal is telling the truth. The people who accuse Chantal of lying are the same people who accuse Amber of lying. They just want her bigger, just like Amber's audience wants her bigger. Amber assures her audience that she's not sticking up for Chantal.
Amber states that she's never faked a weigh in. No, she'd just refuse to get on the scale. Or not show the weigh in. Or claim the scale had wonky batteries. Or claim that the scale was broken and reads everyone's weight accurately except for hers. Or blame her cat for batting a pen under the scale to screw it up (the cat excuse was always my favourite).
Amber shits on her audience for having 'conspiracy theories' during the WLS arc.
FREEZE FRAME!!
(Unsettling Kubrick Stare)
JUMPCUT!! Pickle taste test. It's a spicy, sodium-laden processed food product, so we already know what the response will be [SKIP]
JUMPCUT!! Back on the couch and journaling on her MacBook to later copy into her journal for maximum time-wasting. Amber's showing us gratitude journaling so maybe we can follow her lead. Amber says that she may LOOK self-destructive, but she promises she's not. You are a 550lb housebound woman with no employable skills who gets tired just from walking the length of your kitchen island... and you're using your time to write out journal entries after you've already typed them. We clearly have different definitions for 'self-destructive'.
Amber feels she needs to show this because OTHER people take things for granted.
5 Things Amber's Grateful For:
1] Her furbabies (that she ignores)
2] Her (imaginary) friends - Amber's 'met' a new one. NEW WIPER APPROACHING.
3] FLEE (because Amber's not done trying to lure her back yet)
4] Her family (who avoid her like the plague)
5] Her YouTube supporters who are her paypigs - Uh, I mean, who keep her on her toes.
Amber tries to make excuses on why her last video almost missed the upload deadline.
5 Things Amber's Hopeful For in the Near Future:
1] Connecting with other people (finding a new wiper)
2] Weight loss (lol)
3] A new positive outlook on life (lol!)
4] Improving her staminia (LOL)
5] Improving her relationship with food (LMAO!!)
Amber's pessimistic attitude lately has been weird, as she claims she's ALWAYS been a very positive person! Also, notice how Amber says she's HOPEFUL these things will appear in the near future, as opposed to her saying she's going to WORK TOWARDS these things?
JUMPCUT!! FOOD TIME! Making pork chops, but Amber doesn't know what she's doing (big surprise). It's funny, two years of cooking while Wipey was there, and suddenly Amber's forgotten how to cook. Amber's shocked about how quickly they're cooking in the air fryer, despite her cooking porkchops in the air fryer during the Jade era. It was the day she cooked them, then shoved them in the microwave 'for later' to instead eat the pizza Jade bought (I mean, that Jade's company had delivered to her house because it was 'pizza day').
Amber hunches over the plate (and camera), and tears into them with her bare hands like a savage [SKIP]
JUMPCUT!! Back on the couch. During the breakup, people have been reaching out to her on IG, and Amber says that her DMs are open and to come on in.... Hurry, she's been getting many resumes for the open caretaker posistion. Amber acts like her audience is SO stupid for wondering how Amber meets new people when she's housebound. DUH! She doesn't vlog EVERYTHING!! She met people at the bar (a year and a half ago before she quit drinking). That led to meeting other friends, and so on.
Bitch, THIS WAS YOU ABOUT ONE AND A HALF YEARS AGO:
You were also battling yet another bout of cellulitis after walking BAREFOOT in your complex's stairwell around a year and a half ago. If you had even ATTEMPTED to go to a bar by yourself, you would have ended up hospitalized from falling off of another curb or something.
TRANSLATION: Jade wanted to go out and you didn't want to let her out of your sight, so you tagged along with her while she hung out with her friends at a bar.
Amber USED TO just be a part of her previous gorlfriend's lives, and taking their friends as hers... but with FLEEEEE, it was different: She was part of AMBER'S life, and Jade hung out with AMBER'S friends (BECKY'S FRIENDS Eric and Rickie, who have long since gone no contact with her). It's too late Amber, you already admitted you had no friends when Jade broke up with you. And you've been a miserable sad-sack that no one would want to be around since then, so NO WAY have you made new friends.
Amber's imaginary friends on IG have ALL BANDED TOGETHER and told her that they've stopped watching reaction channels because of how toxic they are - which is why the views of reaction channels have been continuing to grow, and Amber's gone back to striking channels and trying to get them demonetized.
Amber accuses the reaction channels of 'nitpicking' and 'trying to keep the money flowing' - while Amber's been humiliating herself for clicks for YEARS.
More shitting on reaction channels [SKIP]
Editing Lynn pops in to end the vlog. Byee!
