"Welcome" on an opening card, Hamber in a VO. The only consistent thing about Hamber is her eating and laziness. It surely isn't intros/outros or anything quality about her videos.
Ripping into paper bags from Whole Foods like a fucking animal. That Whole Foods is within walking distance of The Henry. But she has that dangleen ankle, which she said was healing and fine in one video, then in another, more recent video used her ankle as an excuse as to why she wasn't exercising, even for the reason she wasn't using the below desk pedal thing MG,W got her for xmas. So basically, she's not exercising. At all. Way to stick to the WLS program and better your life, Hamber, you lazy shit. I'm guessing no PT for that ankle, either. What a shocker.
Groceries: frozen corn, bell peppers, oranges, cream cheese spread, three small packs of salami ("I love these, they are so good and for one of them is only 180 calories and 12 protein." Would it fucking kill you to say the unit of measurement? Grams. See? Not difficult.), mozzarella wrapped salami, mozzarella string cheese, a bag of shredded iceberg lettuce (FFS, You may as well eat air.), salsa (But remember, she doesn't like tomatoes, guise), [apologizes for lighting; as usual, has not done anything about it], bell peppers, "two white onion" (yes, she used the singular), "thing" (jar) of basil pesto, mandarins, oranges, vodka pasta sauce by Rao's, aygs, a "thing" (package) of smoked turkey kielbasa, two packs of ground turkey.
Overall, for a normal human being eating normal portion sizes of normal food, I'd give this group of groceries a grade of B.
For someone who is supposedly on a "weight loss jerneeee", I'd give this group of groceries a grade of F.
Cook with Me card. Claims people have requested she show more of her cooking. No. They have been requesting you getting off your shelf ass and walking or doing literally ANYTHING out of that stankpartment.
What the fuck was that cooking monstrosity? JFC, tomato-based pasta sauce and an entire jar of basil pesto sauce? "Fresh garlic tastes better than the jarred stuff."? Says someone who adds a quarter fucking cup of garlic powder to everything. Cream cheese? Sriacha? Would it fucking kill you to eat a normal goddamned meal using a single line of compatible flavors? Not even five minutes into this latest giant turd and I already want to throat punch her. I guess MG,W told her to mince her own damn garlic and chop her own onions. Good.
Water's boiling for pasta. Salted and a little oil. I bet she doesn't understand why. Limp strips of turkey. I suppose this is the "ground" turkey, even though technically it isn't ground. Whatever.
GODDAMN. I was only semi-joking when I said a quarter cup of garlic powder. Worse, this is garlic SALT. Way to watch those sodiumz, Hamber. She also dumps a shitload of pepper on the turkey. It would be nice if for once you took into consideration that other peoples' tastebuds are not burned out by a decade and a half of crap takeout and fast food. Ha! I must be crazy. This is Hamber we're talking about. She's a world class chef, y'all, in addition to all the other things she's #1 in.
She breaks the pasta not in half but in thirds to "make it easier to eat" what? Then she adds the onion and garlic on top of the turkey she already garlic salted and peppered to death. Swell. Raw onion pasta. Yum. You're supposed to sauite the aromatics before adding the meat, idiot. Jump to her cutting the florets off the broccoli. Not using the stalks? Those are just as good for you. Didn't she insult keto by saying she didn't want to be eating chicken and broccoli al the time? Ad didn't she say broccoli "triggered" her? Ah, well, add broccoli to the "allergy" to ayggs into the urban myth file in the amberverse report. Throws the broccoli in the pan with the turkey, raw onion, and garlic. If you're keeping score, that's two raw ingredients now in her slop pasta, three if you count the minced garlic.
Dumps the jar of vodka sauce into the pan, along with a tablespoon of basil pesto, and then a tablespoon of that cream cheese spread ("to give it, like, a cream effect, if you will". Says she knows people made fun of her trainwreck cooking, but "I'm not trainwreck like that no more." "I used to make some weird soups, not gonna lie, and they were delish (NO THEY WERE NOT), but I'm in my 30s now..." PerfectGrammarLynn never fails to entertain. And what fucking difference does "being in my 30s now, and that was six or seven years ago" have to do with any of this? We've graduated from throwing a bunch of competing flavors into a pot to make slop soup to throwing a bunch of competing flavors into a pan to make slop pasta? Congrats.
Of course they both give it a ten out of ten. Thank you, no. However, I will note that it appears Hamber has gotten over her bullshit gallbladder excuse if she's eating that monstrosity and isn't worried about getting swoleen from all the sodiumz.
Twinkie sighting. Posed shot with Twinkie and a floret of broccoli in her mouth. Hamber asks Alexa if dogs can have broccoli, se says yes, and MG,W puts Twinkie down and says she can eat it now.
Hamber's book review. Skip. She made a bookmark. Where is the bookmark Pink Sparkles sent you?
Next day
Primping for the psych eval zoom session. That moon on her shirt reminds me of the outhouse we had when I was a kid, before the city graced us with city water and the bills that go with it. I'm just going to call it the outhouse shirt. That's fitting since she is full of shit. Outhouse shirt it is! Braids her hair, which looks like she actually washed it. Maybe MG,W hosed her down. Then earrings, balhblah. Don't care. She's really anxious to get this done. Talks more about her hair. Don't care. Says something about the psych telling her they won't write up "the full paper until tomorrow, and I don't know what that is. Do I get a copy? Does it just got to the surgeon?" Why didn't you just fucking ask them when they told you this, dumbass? GeniusLynn, so smart. So incurious.
She's all giddy now, claims the psych is "recommended me to the surgeon for WLS." Does a little toddler dance, then yammers at MG,W about how she's had to say "No." every hour of the das about getting takeout or a snack, etc. So it makes total sense that you bring snack meat and cheese into the house. Good job. Asks Alexa to multiply 20 by 24, gets 480 as the response, and says "I've had to say NO 480 times! I'm so proud!" Proud of not understanding that 480 is the total number of hours including sleeping and all the naps you take? Great job, 145IQLynn.
Claims the psych told her a "binge" is eating three times what you would eat in a single meal. She gleefully says that's not her - of course it isn't. your average meal is already three times what a normal person would eat, Fatty. And you blamed it on BED, which you have decided you no longer have after weaponizing it to excuse your gluttonous ways. Fuck out of here with that noise and go apologize to your viewers for lying for a decade. Further claims the psych said she was "resilient" and that she "beat the odds". Did he also compliment you on your Instagram presence? And what odds did you beat, exactly? Because you ate your way into being a 600 pound behemoth instead of doing drugs means you did NOT beat the odds.
JFC, let the rest of her bullshit go faster.
Rarity sighting - her asshole, anyway.
Hamber claims she has an appointment with her doctor and has to get labs done. Didn't you already have labs done? Twelve vials worth of blood and all that? The Farms remembers. She has to go get an EKG. The way she's acting, you'd think that these things are just things to be marked off and she cam get WLS. Won't she be dishar-en when she gets told there are other things she has to do.
Unboxing shit from users, don't care. Oh, candy! White chocolate gummy bears, five bags worth. I'd give that shit away, too, because it looks and sounds gross. "Don't send me food please." Will you stop making clickbaity thumbnails posing with food, hypocrite? Also received a cup from a viewer that has Twinkie's face all around it. Washes it, then pours a bottle of water into it. More dumping crap that is already in a container into another container. Is "trying" to cut down on using straws, yet right here dumps that bottle into the new cup and drinks it. With a straw. It's all just so very stupid and asinine. Then she hideously bounces her lower back fat like it's her ass, trying to twerk while yelling like a fucking toddler that she's drinking out of Twinkie. That is not your shelf ass, retard. It's the fat in your lower back and you look like the demented fever dream of someone who drank real absinthe and then dropped a tab of LSD, bouncing your fat around while dressed in your outhouse shirt.
Cooking again. Kielbasa, broccoli, onion. "For seasoneen, I literally just added pepper, a little bit of garlic salt, and red pepper flakes ". Literally? Godddamn, Hamber, you and your fucking crutch words. And why are you adding garlic SALT to a fucking kielbasa? The red pepper flakes add "spice without adding flavor." What the fuck? Of course they add flavor, you retard. WTF do you think "spicy" is? You're not dealing with a goddamned ghost chile sky high on the Scoville scale, or straight up capsaicin. But what the fuck do I know, compared to ChefLynn, who historically has always cooked, and tried various cuisines to ensure her palate is both versatile and well-traveled in order to properly taste the food she makes and eats, always with the appropriate levels of seasoning the meal as she's making it. Now that I think about it, she could run the bracket on Iron Chef, I bet.
Watching tv. Skip.
Hamber now trying to convince everyone that she's so very different than she was last year. Her mental health is so much better, guise, she's doing better and being better, because of a whole year with her psychologist. She's learned new coping skills! The psych who said it was fine to eat on YT? To just have whatever you want? And what are those coping skills, anyway? You're the same person you've always been, narc. Says she's getting WLS, and she's going to change her life and she's "passionate" about it now versus three years ago. She's going to do everything they say because she is not going to mess this up. LOL. OK. If you're doing everything they tell you, why is your shelf ass once again parked onthe couch or wheer the fuck you say you're sitting these days? Where's the exercise two to three times a week that you said they wanted you to do? You obviously didn't do any PT for your dangleen ankle. All you did was sit in bed and eat. Now all you do is sit somewhere and eat wen you're not coloring or playing with a Lego kit. Don't try to convince us you did everything they asked after the hystericalectomy, either. They wanted you to walk and you didn't. You even admitted on camera that you didn't. You won't even walk now, pre-surgery. I bet you won't post-surgery, either. Laziest YT I've ever seen.
Hamber tells on herself by defending her "I don't drink" answer on the psych eval by claiming they were only interested in the last three months. Several people who have gone through WLS say you're a lying sack of shit. I'll believe them over you any time. You can always tell that she's done something by how eager she is to prove the haydurs wrong about her doing it. I know they ask about substance abuse, too. Did you lie about your adventures with Delta8, something you yourself said was becoming an addiction? Bet you lied and said you don't use anything.
Finishes trying to defend herself and says she hopes we enjoyed this.
Spoiler alert: I did not.
