KFC mook-bong time! I know this was requested by someone, It was in one of her Q&A bullshit things on some social media thing. Keep those feeders happy, Big Ham! Or, ask yourself to have you eat a KFC mook-bong, whatever it takes.
She had to get a diet Pepsi from KFC, bummer. But you guise, she tried the diet Dr Pepper from McD's and declares it is a "game changer". For what game? How to drink colored water that has zero nutritive value? It's the same fucking soda, peabrain.
JFC, her mitts are enormous.
Another goddamned jar of pickled baby corn. She laughs, tells us it is not "not sponsored". No shit, Captain Obvious. You're lucky Kroger hasn't sent you a seize and assist to keep their good name out of your filthy fucking mouth.
Tell us again how you don't have the beetus, Fatty.
Stuffs a pickle in her fat face and does a little dance. They're not that good, dipshit. It's a basic pickle for basic bitches who like to pretend their basic "Chinese" food is authentic. And for certain people to tick it off a list as a "vegetable" in their diet. Tell us again that you want to lose weight, or that you're actually participating in some outpatient program that somehow knows all about your eating habits on YT but says that's fine, do you, Fatty. The mountain of bullshit you produce could turn the Mojave desert into the next Amazon rainforest.
Pulls out a chicken potpie. You get KFC and get a fucking potpie? WTF is wrong with you? Claims it is one of her favorite things from KFC, but if I had to bet, I would say that like any other fast food place, everything is one of her favorites. "literally" tastes homemade, No, it does not, but what the fuck would you know about homemade anything in general or potpies in particular? It is "so good". That's two literally and one so good thus far. Fuck it, I'm counting every single use of them today.
Pulls out individual mac & cheese and individual rehydrated mashed potatoes with gravy. Adds a cookie to the pile - why not? - and pulls out a fork from the utensil sleeve. BUT LEAVES THE NAPKIN IN THE SLEEVE. WTF IS WRONG YOU? USE A GODDAMNED NAPKIN YOU FILTHY, DISGUSTING PIG. Ahem.
Carbs, carbs, and more carbs, plus fatty cheese in the mac and cheese, which is not a good thing when you have a gallbladder full of stones, but when you're devoted to your craft, that pain is what makes the end result so raw you guise, FAWK, and also so worth it.
Mac and cheese on the chopping block first. Rolls her eyes back, holds her hands up like the people at church where they're trying to do fuck if I know. Says she "feels like" the individual portion sizes are so good because their portion sizes are like, a spoonful. Yeah, if you eat with a fucking ladle, you gluttonous bag of fat. In fact, why don't you do that to liven things up a little. I mean, it's no Chantal eating off a back scratcher, but needs must and all that.
Now for the potatoes. Oh, Hamber, you missed ANOTHER opportunity to dredge up chatter for your channel by not licking that lid. Did you not see that perfectly fine gravy on it? Again, it's no Chantal just drinking gravy, but that'd do, pig, that'd do. Takes a forkful, and as is her habit, watches herself eat, declares it also worthy of the highest praise in the Amberverse: so good.
Says someone asked her why she says things are so good, and duh, questioner, are you stupid or something? Because the food is so good!
We are now at three "literally" and five "so good"s and we're only two and a half minutes into this fuckery. The upside is that Hamber's doing the bare minimum, so the video is only just over thirteen minutes. Now, another item to count: the time. Two minutes of this video is either her talking and then unpacking this shit, or her clearing her trash, having eaten around 1100 calories and a metric fuckton of sodium. Why do I mention this? Because she claims mook-bongs help her slow down the pace of how she hoovers up food, because she has to talk to us (but she's incapable of carrying on a conversation) and be more mindful of what she's eating. I hate to break this to you, Fatty, but we know that's total bullshit. You ate what, a pound and a half of food in 11 minutes. Not exactly a leisurely time at the table.
OK, enough avoidance. Let's get back to the shitshow. I sped her up to 1.75 because goddamn she talks slow. I guess that's because of the fat in her skull, attempting to crush all those neurons.
Has to tell us and show us that she eats her popeyes...potpies in a quirky manner. Because when you have no personality, you make shit up ti tr to convince others you're someone interesting. stabs the perimeter of her popeyes...potpies - ENUNCIATE, DAMN YOU -and opens the pie like a manhole cover by pulling off the resulting circle of carbs. She then puts that in the box the potpie came in, upside down, "obviously". Is it, though? WTF is obvious about it? Right now, it looks like you're doing one of your fucking stupid "saving calories" things that saves nothing. Somehow there's an errant potato on the top crust that's now in the box, and she rescues that. Does the rolling her eyes up in her head bullshit and puts her palm briefly where her sternum would be if she wasn't covered in ten layers of fat, as if it's wagyu sashimi on a Himalayan salt rock. It's a fucking small dice of a potato.
"So good," she says, as she holds up the backend of the potpie so we can see that the innards are, in fact, generic potpie ingredients and not microfilm or thumb drives or some other thing to send a secret message to someone. Gets to her usual schpiel about how meat creeps her out. She eats a small farm's worth of chicken and turkey. I guess those don't count as meat in the Amberverse. She says she's surprised she isn't a vegetarian, truly, and it's time for me to roll my eyes, because we've seen your heartfelt pleas that we all think of the animals and how you try for approximately one mill..meal to eat vegetarian or vegan. STFU.
Finally takes a bite of the fucking pie and whoops, guess you should have actually eaten a bit more slowly and let that bite cool down, eh Hamber? LOL. Does the foodgasm thing, tells us the potpie is, like, freshly made. You know who else should start chatting up Hamber? A con artist who gins up fake investments. She's the perfect mark. This potpie is freshly made! That investment sounds great!
As we can see, she's eating takeout, and she eats takeout one to three times a day. Which means it's probably at least five, but who's counting anything around here? You should be, Big Ham. If you need money, that's the first thing that should go. You could eat all that fucking TJs crap you bought and still get your quadruple RDA of fat, sodium, and sugar.
Says she always sets these grand goals, like 100 days of uploading and again, WTF, Big Ham? There is NO REASON you cannot do 100 days of something. You DON'T DO ANYTHING ELSE. Of course she fails all that shit, so why not try something she's already failed - just last year, when she claimed she was only ordering takeout twice a day.
(About the one minute mark)
That worked out so well - a whole week, if you only go by what's on video. But we know it didn't last more than a day or so in real life. Good luck, Fatty. By the time I get this finished, you'll probably have already broken the no takeout rule. C'est la vie.
Reassures us that she will, in fact, be eating the top of the potpie that she ripped off and tossed in the box. Wouldn't want to miss those carbs, Hamber! Who knows, if you didn't eat that top crust you might accidentally go into ketosis!
But yes, folks, it's yet another challenge, yet another Day One (Justine will be so happy, she loves Day One Hamber), yet another challenge at which Big Ham will fail. We could set the atomic clock at the Naval Observatory by your cycles, Spamber, That chart is the most accurate thing to come out of the Amberverse.
Blathers on about how she loves takeout, obviously, but even "normal" jes out there love a takeout moment. Stop being ableist, SnowflakeLynn. Didn't you bitch at Zachary Michael for using the term "normal" not that long ago> Yes you did. So why do you feel entitled to use the word now? HypocriticaLynn.
She "doesn't know" what no takeout will do to her channel. Right, because there isn't ANY other food in your luxury cave that you could you know, prepare, and then eat on camera. Just like you did with the pizza and plantain chips. Or all that fucking spam. Oh, FFS. She wants to start vlogging again. About what? The same four walls? Watching paint dry? Tracking a slug's journey across the sidewalk? Pouring the last inch out of a molasses jar that hasn't been opened in a year? You killing us by boring us to death all by yakking at us about some stupid topic - you? (Also your favorite topic.)
This pause right here, just after when she has a little of the pie filling start to escape to her first chin, but that she caught with her shovel tongue before it broke out of orbit.
Halfway to the finish line! One of the things that allows her to make her videos long enough for midrolls has to be her slow-as-in-fucking-stupid speech rate. Ugh.
Claims she hasn't been vlogging because, like, last week, she went to TJ Max and the Backstreet Boys were playing over the store's sound, and she didn't vlog because she didn't want to get copyrighted. Why are people so goddamned stupid? Incidental inclusion doesn't fall under that umnbrella, LazyLynn, There are places to go that do not involve stores and shopping. You understand this, right? This is one of the perfect times of the year to be out exploring that thing called "nature". No Backstreet Boys playing over Mother Nature's sound system.
LOL, she thinks this 30 days no takeout is going to save her calories and money and help weight loss. Hahahaha. Should we go ahead and give you the reality check now, or should we just wait for the inevitable fail? Oh, I guess we'll wait a day or so on that. Says she figured her last takeout before starting the new thing to fail would be something that was requested. Now, I saw that request. However, it's just the sort of thing that she would ask herself. So technically, was it requested? Yes. But does it count if it's a request you made of yourself? There's a question for the philosophers.
She keeps pulling off pieces of the pie crust from around the edges of the bowl and dropping them into the bowl. She then gets a forkful of the innards and the crust and shoves it in her face. Why not just pop the piece of pie crust into your mouth before or after you shovel in the next load? Whatever. Almost to the finish line. I can see it in the distance, like a beacon of hope, lifting the spirits of adventurers on this path; we are united in our common cause, taking heart that although this leg of the journey dangles success in front of our eyes, it's also the part that can be the most dangerous. Indeed, I can see some of those who came before me lie fallen on the trail, their eyes glazed over, their bodies refusing to bear any more boredom, crying out, "This far, and no further!" before the courageous seeker falls by the wayside. I offer a silent thanks for their attempts, and vow that their strength to make it this far will buoy me in this, the final moments of this journey.
Wow, Big Ham says she leaves the house "upwards of four times a week". How on earth do you stand the strain of it? he "just doesn't vlog" when out, even though this is actually what's being highly requested by her viewers. Once again, Hamber decides the peasants will get shat she wants them to get. Another laugh out loud moment: she doesn't want to share so much of her life. Your entire channel and YT career is predicated on that, you ignorant, garbage eating shitbird. You're not smart enough to talk about anything else. You have no interests beyond eating and shopping. You have no particular skills other than being the laziest person I've ever encountered on the internet and eating. You build nothing. You create nothing. Your writing sucks. Hell, you even suck as a food reviewer, something you absolutely could do if you weren't so fucking stupid and can only use "so good" as your damn metric for reviewing food.
Finishes off the pie, moves on to the potatoes. Oh, and she's now picked up the top of he pie and is eating it with her hands. Use your fork, you fucking barbarian. More dead air. Done with the potatoes and mac and cheese. The top of the pie is now gone, swallowed in the gaping maw of her face.
Chocolate chip cookie time. It's "okay". She gives it a four out of ten. Says the cookie id 120 instead of the 1 60 she thought. Is that supposed to be like a diet drink, negating some of the 1100 calories of the overall meal?
Returns to the pickled corn, continues to act as if it's right out of the cornucopia of the gods. It's a fucking pickle. But since you like pickles do goddamned much, why don't you go to the grocery on one of those "upwards of four times" one week and buy a variety of pickled items to taste test. I'm sure they have Wickles up there, along with the regulars - dill, bread and butter, which you'd probably love because they're sweet, gherkins (ditto), pickled artichoke hearts, olives, onions, and on and on.
I've said before her upper arms horrify me and give me the creeps and this time is no different.
Sings the Barney cleanup song, has no parting words about anything, says her usual signoff, and no, I did not enjoy this, Spamber,
TL;DW/DR: Hamber downs a pound and a half of food clocking in at 1100 calories and accepts the challenge of 30 days of no takeout, which she will quit the instant she realizes that she can't get something she's craving - and she'll justify it by saying her imaginary outpatient advisors said that if she's craving something, she should have it, so suckit, haydurs, it's THEIR fault she had to break the challenge.
Final tally:
Literally: 3
So good: 6
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