- Joined
- Dec 17, 2019
Pillow Princesses are typically NOT GAY. Listen to a few who admit to being one and you'll understand/know what I'm talking about.
So... "GHEY" because FAAAAAAAT (and no one actually wants her) confirmed.
🍗 Deathfat Amberlynn Reid - 600 pound pathological liar and U-Haul lesbian moving in with her next live-in maid/nurse/girlfriend.
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So... "GHEY" because FAAAAAAAT (and no one actually wants her) confirmed.
- Joined
- Sep 20, 2016
She's been doing the fatchested phone holder thing for quite a while. Since back in the Becky hauling her around in the Hyundai days. I think now it's become its permanent home rather than an occasional one.
Turd Fergusson
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Jul 28, 2019
Amber has also built a universe, a reality, where she was the best dancer in the school, winning countless prizes. She was also a soccer player, a writer and an artist. She was the most popular kid in school. I do not know many women in their 30s who keep harping on how great they were in high school. Most of them are doing it because they have a wretched present life.
After a while, people start to find the disconnect between what she is saying and what she is doing. People either ignore her or begin to laugh at her. To inspire others, as she professes to want, you have first to deliver on your promises.
- Joined
- Oct 31, 2013
oh boy, here I go with vlogmas 14.
Anyone wanna start a bet about whether Jade will be back next vlogmas?
Why didn’t the bitch just send her friend shit through Amazon? Let them mail shit for her. Isn’t that more her speed?
Her earrings are ugly af and yet she spends such a long time talking about them.
Jade washed a sweater and it’s not soft anymore so Amber bought her another sweater. Meaning this one will either not be washed or end up the same as the last one.
She plays in the cardboard house that barely fits around her fat. Adult diapers when?
She wants to be a house for Halloween. Don’t worry, next Halloween you’ll be 100 more pounds and your dream will be more obtainable than ever!
This was content. Her ass trying to wear a cardboard box was content. And she has the audacity to whine about us pointing out her fat.
She’s low key humble bragging because her sweaters were voted better than Jade’s. She’s all JADES IS BETTER I DONT UNDERSTAND, but her tone of voice is saying ‘people really like me!!!’
Just a few hours after that post whining about people calling her fat and her next thumbnail is her shoving food in her face. Is this bitch serious?
She is making me watch her shop for laundry baskets online. What have I done to deserve this? She wants us to vote on which one WE HOPE SHE BUYS. You heard that right. She doesn’t want our opinions on what we like. She wants to hear about what we hope she chooses.
Audacity.
She’s filming her organizing her cupboard in the bathroom. She really has nothing going on in her life. I do, so the fact that I’m wasting this time is pissing me off.
Lol she can’t bring herself to read. Reading is hard. She needs advice on how to read!
Playdoh. Whyyyyyy
She’s too lazy to make the Playdoh today, thank god. She just shoves it in a mold and calls it a day due to Muh anxiety.
Playdoh is known for causing panic attacks.
And she’s whining about mean comments again.
She bought a banana snack and she literally had to google it to make sure it wasn’t for dogs. I’m trying to wrap my brain around this one. Did you find it in the DOG SECTION?
Comment of the day calls her out on her ‘9 times out of 10’ brainless response to things. She basically tells them to eat a dick.
The video is over. Dobby is now a free elf.
Anyone wanna start a bet about whether Jade will be back next vlogmas?
Why didn’t the bitch just send her friend shit through Amazon? Let them mail shit for her. Isn’t that more her speed?
Her earrings are ugly af and yet she spends such a long time talking about them.
Jade washed a sweater and it’s not soft anymore so Amber bought her another sweater. Meaning this one will either not be washed or end up the same as the last one.
She plays in the cardboard house that barely fits around her fat. Adult diapers when?
She wants to be a house for Halloween. Don’t worry, next Halloween you’ll be 100 more pounds and your dream will be more obtainable than ever!
This was content. Her ass trying to wear a cardboard box was content. And she has the audacity to whine about us pointing out her fat.
She’s low key humble bragging because her sweaters were voted better than Jade’s. She’s all JADES IS BETTER I DONT UNDERSTAND, but her tone of voice is saying ‘people really like me!!!’
Just a few hours after that post whining about people calling her fat and her next thumbnail is her shoving food in her face. Is this bitch serious?
She is making me watch her shop for laundry baskets online. What have I done to deserve this? She wants us to vote on which one WE HOPE SHE BUYS. You heard that right. She doesn’t want our opinions on what we like. She wants to hear about what we hope she chooses.
Audacity.
She’s filming her organizing her cupboard in the bathroom. She really has nothing going on in her life. I do, so the fact that I’m wasting this time is pissing me off.
Lol she can’t bring herself to read. Reading is hard. She needs advice on how to read!
Playdoh. Whyyyyyy
She’s too lazy to make the Playdoh today, thank god. She just shoves it in a mold and calls it a day due to Muh anxiety.
Playdoh is known for causing panic attacks.
And she’s whining about mean comments again.
She bought a banana snack and she literally had to google it to make sure it wasn’t for dogs. I’m trying to wrap my brain around this one. Did you find it in the DOG SECTION?
Comment of the day calls her out on her ‘9 times out of 10’ brainless response to things. She basically tells them to eat a dick.
The video is over. Dobby is now a free elf.
- Joined
- Dec 13, 2022
Boring beyond belief. Who'd have guessed. She really thought she did something with that house comment. Trying to generate some interest but it just comes across as stale as ever. She's as cardboard as that house she's squeezing into. The banana snack thing is fucking stupid. Who feeds banana snacks to dogs? This her most tired attempt at 'quirky' yet. Having a panic attack of Playdoh is doubly retarded. Sometimes I wonder if she has brain damage. This particular vlog has really pissed me off, more than usual. I just want her to face some sort of real repercussion for something. Anything. Alas, I doubt I'll live to see the day. Maybe one day she'll make chilli soup again and burn her finger. God knows it'd probably leave her bedbound and it'd be all we'd hear about for the next 3 years.
- Joined
- Oct 25, 2014
You're probably looking for stroke caused by obesity and heart failure. When she develops unilateral facial droop, we'll know.
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2019
Oddly enough, some dogs (and other carnivore critters) love bananas
I have no idea why. When the kids were younger, we had a pair of ferrets as pets. They'd feast on banana chips. I"d buy a couple of bunches every week, slice and dehydrate them. They'd eat more damn banana chips than ferret food.
Go figure.
- Joined
- Feb 14, 2015
She’s definitely in the ball park at this point gaining weight at an almost unprecedented level. I’d say it’s only a matter of time:
- Joined
- Aug 21, 2022
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
Well, fuckadoodle, looks like I can reeeeeecap tonight's offering, thanks to falling a bit short on my effort.
Many thanks to @Boolean Bitch and @caffeinated_pirate for covering Vlogmas 14!
So today's effort was supposed to be 250 miles and 16,000 feet of elevation change. I managed to hit 10,200 feet of elevation change and 127 miles before both knees said 'Hey, you remember that we're part of your VA disability claim, right?' and I say 'yeah?' and they continue the conversation with 'And you realize we helped contribute to that nearly 100% rating, right?' and I go 'oh fuck.'
Then the separated shoulder decides it wants to play, too, because it does play a part thanks to having to grip handlebars during rides.
Ultimately, failed. Will be doing endurance work and shorter climbs to work the joints and the arthritic knees before giving an effort of this intensity another run.
Then the separated shoulder decides it wants to play, too, because it does play a part thanks to having to grip handlebars during rides.
Ultimately, failed. Will be doing endurance work and shorter climbs to work the joints and the arthritic knees before giving an effort of this intensity another run.
Many thanks to @Boolean Bitch and @caffeinated_pirate for covering Vlogmas 14!
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2021
I suspect the look she was going for was a bolero, rather than a full cardigan. While there is a place for them, on Amber isn't one of them. Some fatties will try anything to get a certain look when the clothing item they want isn't available in their immense size. However they don't actually realise that just downsizing an item to be tighter or cover less in one area, means it won't fit in areas where it needs to fully cover them. That thing must be pulling something chronic over her back.
- Joined
- Mar 23, 2022
I know I’m high as balls, but I laughed myself to tears on this one. And to answer the question, Chris Farley. Every. Fucking. Time.
- Joined
- Mar 28, 2019
Look DC 4 life... you're becoming more like Hamber...putting out ambition and goals that your shelf ass can't handle!
And that IS a joke from my veteran old ass that still gives you 110% on having big brass balls and going for it.
When you go through life hard (unlike going thru lard), shit breaks. And even if you fix it, twas ever thus.
Kudos. I'm gonna speculate that Vlogmas whatever the fuck day that they give each other MATCHING BICYCLES!
Can you imagine? Seeing Amber on a bicycle would bring Freddy Mercury right outta the grave. Y'all know the song....Fat Bottom Gorls.
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
I can imagine, but m'thinks that Freddy would be repulsed seeing an entire bike frame swallowed by the cavernous folds of her massive ass.
(and the wheels would literally fold under her, unless she got the most heavy-duty rims offered by Zize bikes or Buffalo bikes, which are designed to haul heavy loads through the back-country of Africa.)
Frog-Chomping Bat
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- Feb 15, 2021
Checking in, mild PL because you brought it up. Lipedema means being underweight in your 20’s with a caliper test indicating 18% body fat - everywhere except your upper legs, which are double that. Fun fun fun.
Amberlynn is absolutely (a) mispronouncing words on purpose to confuse people on which one she was allegedly diagnosed with and (b) wasting our fucking time, because when you are 600 pounds, it doesn’t fucking matter. If it’s lymphedema, congrats, that just means the cellulitis might kill you before the heart attack or beetus does.
She’s trying so hard to manufacture controversy with all the whining about “don’t gossip about me possibly beeen addicted to white trash gambling, y’all!” The only reason the reaction channels are focusing on her is because Chantal has somehow gone full ISIS but made it boring. I can’t wait until Wipey takes her expensive sneaker collection (lol) and nopes out of there.
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- Joined
- Feb 15, 2021
Good luck with such an ambitious project @Diet Coke 4 Life
Jade gave her the only kind of bike she could handle last Christmas.... Never forget the Cubi.... that is either packed away somewhere with all their other exercise equipment, or has already made its way to goodwill.
- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
Weeeee.
Archive so nobody has to give this bitch clicks.
Reeeeeecap in progress.
Archive so nobody has to give this bitch clicks.
Reeeeeecap in progress.
My Cat Is Racist
kiwifarms.net
- Joined
- May 21, 2017
These feeder thumbnails are so fucking gross. I don't know what's worse, the amount of food she's shoveling into her gigantic maw or the way she eye fucks the camera while doing it.
Also of course she quit WW, I imagine she quit it ages ago given how quickly she's gaining. This bitch looks as big as a house! Love that for her.
Also of course she quit WW, I imagine she quit it ages ago given how quickly she's gaining. This bitch looks as big as a house! Love that for her.
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- Joined
- Aug 21, 2022
Lowlight Reel with Commentary. Not a reeecap, as I left a fair bit out. Today is Vlogmas Day 15, or December 14th in the Amberverse. This was just her whining about her mental and physical health, and making excuses about how it's not her fault. She shames her audience for pointing out shit Amber's been putting in her vlogs for her audience to point out, and putters around doing bullshit 'chores' on camera for filler. I've seen 4 year olds more self-sufficient than Amber.
TL;DR: Amber keeps conflating 'swelleen' and FAT. Complete addict blathering and planning/future faking. Muh Mentulz. Amber got a silver(?) necklace, but her neck is too fat to wear it. You make Amber feel worse by pointing out her waddling. No Christmas content other than Advent calendars and Amber's present. Amber has had the worst binging in YEARS while with her most supportive gorlfriend ever.
And since she so desperately wants the fat jokes, here's ya go! Even the smirk is the same:
UPDATE ON THE GIFTS SITUATION TYPE DEAL: Friend has 3 out of 4 packages, and the last is probably at the Post Office. So... yesterday was all manufactured drama.
Amber's present is a necklace with a "B" for Bambi or Baby (or Bitch, or Behemoth, or Big Bertha, or BEACH BALL, or...). Amber was 'joking' about it being a ring, and seems lowkey pissed that she still hasn't gotten a proposal from Jade. You're giving the milk for free, so why does she need to buy the (lol)cow? Amber's neck is too fat for the necklace and she needs an extender. Amber thinks it's no big deal when your NECK GETS TOO FAT for necklaces. Later in the vlog she goes on Amazon and gets a 3 pack of different length extenders to accomodate for future growth.
"Reason number 529 for why I need to lose weight". Is Amber hinting at her new current weight, or trying to wind up her viewers?
Amber states a banana fact about ripeness and stomach aches, and when Jade calls it out as bullshit, Amber changes gears and admits that maybe she made it up. She's totally not a liar, though!
GROCERY HAUL: Diet pepsi, salad stuff, ground turkey, AAAYGS.
EATING ON CAMERA: "Spicy miso soup from a restaurant". Yeah, we know you didn't cook it. Amber says take out stops tomorrow, then changes it mid-sentence to lessening take out starts tomorrow. She likes ho'made food more, but eats takeout instead because it's there (translation: because she doesn't like ho'made food).
THIS WEEK ON A&E'S HOARDERS... BATHROOM CLEANING, THE SEQUEL: Now she's rearranging drawers. It's all just an absolute hoarded mess of absolute trash - oh, but the super valuable Gucci necklace from Jade is in with the hoard. She tells us not to worry, she'll fix it. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say no one's worried.
LITE-BRITE: Blobby heart thing. Ugly, but at least original. Amber turns it into an ASMR 'molment' while she takes it apart.
Amber shows lipstick smudges all over her face because "Feline and me were kissing". FUCK YOU [SKIP]
Besides, I thought Jade never wears any kind of makeup?
VC ANDREWS GEMINI SERIES: She'll do this segment real quick because not everyone likes reading, which Amber can't understand because it's great! HA! Says the person whose been in a 'reading slump' since forever. Someone suggested to get out of a reading slump by starting a different book. So Amber bought a new book and she MIGHT start it tonight... or tomorrow... she'll TRY. Amber emphasizes again how much she loves reading.
Amber's breathing has been getting worse. It's because she has lipedema and lymphedema and when she gets more swollen, her breathing gets worse. It's specifically the lip/lymph/edema - totally not because SHE'S FAR TOO FAT FOR HER LUNGS. What she's saying is true! You can find out with a simple Google search - or even better, you can just learn it from HER! (Yes, she actually said exactly that). This is like asking an alcoholic for advice on moderated drinking.
[PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: NEVER TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM AMBER]
AMBER DECIDES TO DO AN EMOTIONAL DUMP ON US ABOUT THE HEATH PROBLEMS SHE ALLUDED TO IN THE BEGINNING OF THE VLOG:
Binging this last week has been the worst it's been in YEARS. Amber doesn't know what's triggering it. Wow, it's almost as if eating enough WW points for a 572.4lb Strongman in competition everyday can cause weight gain or something. So weird! Anxiety!! But Amber has to shove it down so she can vlog. She had an anxiety attack a few hours ago. Oh, but don't worry, she's been JOURNALING about it!
NEW PLAN!
No longer doing Weight Watchers. She's going to do what worked in Summer of 2021 - a breakup and trying to lure in a new caretaker? No... Moderated Eating. HOLY SHIT did she hear me make my moderated drinking comment?! Full-blown TEXTBOOK addiction talk here. Amber claims that the binge-restrict cycle is what's hurting her.... WHEN HAS THE RESTRICT PART BEEN HAPPENING?! Amber didn't weigh herself because she knows she's gained a lot of weight "and doesn't want to see that". She teases a possible weigh in tomorrow - TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME FAT TIME, SAME FAT CHANNEL! Really, it doesn't matter, she weighs as much as 4 women her height, the exact number is irrelevant. Pointing out the obvious to her (like the waddling) makes her feel worse and shows what a piece of shit person you are.
FUCK OFF, FATTY! IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO PANDER TO YOUR BULLSHIT. GO BUY MORE SCRATCH TICKETS, OR EAT AN ENTIRE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN OR SOMETHING.
Amber's present is a necklace with a "B" for Bambi or Baby (or Bitch, or Behemoth, or Big Bertha, or BEACH BALL, or...). Amber was 'joking' about it being a ring, and seems lowkey pissed that she still hasn't gotten a proposal from Jade. You're giving the milk for free, so why does she need to buy the (lol)cow? Amber's neck is too fat for the necklace and she needs an extender. Amber thinks it's no big deal when your NECK GETS TOO FAT for necklaces. Later in the vlog she goes on Amazon and gets a 3 pack of different length extenders to accomodate for future growth.
"Reason number 529 for why I need to lose weight". Is Amber hinting at her new current weight, or trying to wind up her viewers?
Amber states a banana fact about ripeness and stomach aches, and when Jade calls it out as bullshit, Amber changes gears and admits that maybe she made it up. She's totally not a liar, though!
GROCERY HAUL: Diet pepsi, salad stuff, ground turkey, AAAYGS.
EATING ON CAMERA: "Spicy miso soup from a restaurant". Yeah, we know you didn't cook it. Amber says take out stops tomorrow, then changes it mid-sentence to lessening take out starts tomorrow. She likes ho'made food more, but eats takeout instead because it's there (translation: because she doesn't like ho'made food).
THIS WEEK ON A&E'S HOARDERS... BATHROOM CLEANING, THE SEQUEL: Now she's rearranging drawers. It's all just an absolute hoarded mess of absolute trash - oh, but the super valuable Gucci necklace from Jade is in with the hoard. She tells us not to worry, she'll fix it. I'm pretty sure I speak for everyone when I say no one's worried.
LITE-BRITE: Blobby heart thing. Ugly, but at least original. Amber turns it into an ASMR 'molment' while she takes it apart.
Amber shows lipstick smudges all over her face because "Feline and me were kissing". FUCK YOU [SKIP]
Besides, I thought Jade never wears any kind of makeup?
VC ANDREWS GEMINI SERIES: She'll do this segment real quick because not everyone likes reading, which Amber can't understand because it's great! HA! Says the person whose been in a 'reading slump' since forever. Someone suggested to get out of a reading slump by starting a different book. So Amber bought a new book and she MIGHT start it tonight... or tomorrow... she'll TRY. Amber emphasizes again how much she loves reading.
Amber's breathing has been getting worse. It's because she has lipedema and lymphedema and when she gets more swollen, her breathing gets worse. It's specifically the lip/lymph/edema - totally not because SHE'S FAR TOO FAT FOR HER LUNGS. What she's saying is true! You can find out with a simple Google search - or even better, you can just learn it from HER! (Yes, she actually said exactly that). This is like asking an alcoholic for advice on moderated drinking.
[PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT: NEVER TAKE MEDICAL ADVICE FROM AMBER]
AMBER DECIDES TO DO AN EMOTIONAL DUMP ON US ABOUT THE HEATH PROBLEMS SHE ALLUDED TO IN THE BEGINNING OF THE VLOG:
Binging this last week has been the worst it's been in YEARS. Amber doesn't know what's triggering it. Wow, it's almost as if eating enough WW points for a 572.4lb Strongman in competition everyday can cause weight gain or something. So weird! Anxiety!! But Amber has to shove it down so she can vlog. She had an anxiety attack a few hours ago. Oh, but don't worry, she's been JOURNALING about it!
NEW PLAN!
No longer doing Weight Watchers. She's going to do what worked in Summer of 2021 - a breakup and trying to lure in a new caretaker? No... Moderated Eating. HOLY SHIT did she hear me make my moderated drinking comment?! Full-blown TEXTBOOK addiction talk here. Amber claims that the binge-restrict cycle is what's hurting her.... WHEN HAS THE RESTRICT PART BEEN HAPPENING?! Amber didn't weigh herself because she knows she's gained a lot of weight "and doesn't want to see that". She teases a possible weigh in tomorrow - TUNE IN NEXT TIME, SAME FAT TIME, SAME FAT CHANNEL! Really, it doesn't matter, she weighs as much as 4 women her height, the exact number is irrelevant. Pointing out the obvious to her (like the waddling) makes her feel worse and shows what a piece of shit person you are.
FUCK OFF, FATTY! IT'S NOT OUR JOB TO PANDER TO YOUR BULLSHIT. GO BUY MORE SCRATCH TICKETS, OR EAT AN ENTIRE ROTISSERIE CHICKEN OR SOMETHING.
TL;DR: Amber keeps conflating 'swelleen' and FAT. Complete addict blathering and planning/future faking. Muh Mentulz. Amber got a silver(?) necklace, but her neck is too fat to wear it. You make Amber feel worse by pointing out her waddling. No Christmas content other than Advent calendars and Amber's present. Amber has had the worst binging in YEARS while with her most supportive gorlfriend ever.
And since she so desperately wants the fat jokes, here's ya go! Even the smirk is the same:
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- Joined
- Oct 11, 2018
Alright, reeeeecap complete.
TL;DW/R: (Seriously, there’s tons of pictures in this one, take a gander lol - not as good as the try-on one where I got fridge-side-views of every outfit, but still) AL says that 3/4 boxes arrived at her ‘friend’s’ place and the 4th will have to be picked up from the post office. Gift is a retarded necklace that looks ghetto as fuck and needs an extender to fit AL’s chubby neck. F/JFoNY:MGF,W hates banana bites. Grocery haul. Eats ramen while saying it’s miso soup. ‘Organizes’ the drawers in her bathroom - one of them has jewelry stuffed into it, the other hair supplies and a crimper she’ll never use. Lite-Brite ASMR that makes me want to rupture my eardrums with a chopstick. Gives up on the Gemini series, goes with ‘Someone’s Story’ by Bellac instead. Whines about lipodema and lymphedema. Claims she has anxiety attacks (lies). Gets a PlayDoh tree mold and makes a retarded hearth. Steals the cat toy thinking it’s for humans. Comment of the day says mini-brands are a waste of money and are off-putting because they’re not scaled to the same ratio - AL is befuddled by that statement.
Edit: It would be nice if I could actually learn how to type some year. There was no excuse for this one, as I only had one tumbler of delicious brandy-spiked egg nog and am therefore mostly sober.
0:00 ‘Hello!’ Where the FUCK is my ‘Hey, guise!’ AL, you’re slacking. ‘Welcome to Vlogmas 15.’ At least she’s not confused about the number this time. Fuck the intro. Still. Always. Baebeeeeey.
0:25 So she opens by being flabbergasted that she’s made it to 15, saying so to off-screen F/JFoNY:MGF,W. ‘That’s crazy.’ No, no it’s not. You still need a thesaurus. I rather wish that Jade (oops, I mean F/JFoNY:MGF,W) would gift you one on one of your stupid Vlogmas gift exchanges, because not everything on this planet is ‘crazy’ you imbecilic amoeba-brained nitwit. She then tells us that she’s going to do Vlogmas for 25 days. Or rather, she says ‘I do Vlogmas for 25 days.’ Since when? Lemme give ya a hint. Since never in all your years on YouTube, LiarLynn.
0:38 Update on her international gift IT’S NOT A MOLMENT YOU PUDGY-FACED VESSEL OF UNENDING VACOUS STUPIDITY situaFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU. Her friend got a knock on the door today and got two of the boxes. The final box needs to get picked up from the post office.
1:08 AL isn’t having the greatest day. Call the whaaaaambulance, folks, because this one is health related. You don’t say! Health related when you’re over 500 lbs?! Say it isn’t so!!! Oh, sorry. Back to her rambling. She says in this current molment she doesn’t want to speak about it because she just wants to be happy. Fuck you and your click baiting. I wonder if it’s going to be another ‘I thought I had a tumor and the ER which doesn’t diagnose people misdiagnosed me but ends up I had walking pneumonia so this was a huge nothing-burger’ escapade again.
1:25 ‘F/JFoNY:MGF,W wants me to open my gifty-gifty.’ You know what… at this point I’m going to simply accept that she has the brain of a drunken 22 month old who’s just learning her words, because otherwise Imma lose my shit and be drunk as a skunk by the end of this, and I don’t need a hangover on top of the pain that comes from major lactic acid buildup (even if you take the time to massage all affected muscles, do an ice bath and relax after a hard effort, sometimes it still really fucking hurts). It’s a smaller gift this time, so nope on the hopes of it being a thesaurus. AL rattles it by her chubby cheek and says ‘she sounds like a necklace’ and I say ‘he likely does, but he/she is an inanimate object and doesn’t have a sex, dipshit.’
1:40 AL reveals a black box, and before opening it, looks off-screen and asks ‘Wait, are you proposing?’ and INSTANTLY goes ‘CLICKBAIT!!!’ and makes a retarded shocked-face.
Told’ja it was dumb.
But that wasn’t her only attempt. She also did this one.
Fuck you and ‘YouTube chooses my thumbnails for me’Lynn.
1:49 Then she gruffly proclaims, ‘There’s no proposal, folks,’ before opening it.
This is ghetto as fuck.
AL, of course, squeals ‘Oh, is this a B for Bambi?’ then realizing how stupid she sounds, supplements ‘a B for Baaaebeeeeey?’ And of course, that’s the one F/JFoNY:MGF,W confirms. AL of course says it’s ‘stunnennnnnn.’ Not stuneeeeen, stunennnnnn.
2:40 Of all the content she had to leave in this shit, it’s her discussing how guessing what your gift is prior to opening it makes it more fun. And she goes on about this for longer than I cycled today.
2:50 They’re trying to get it on, and AL goes ‘Is it gonna fit?’ before laughing and professing ‘I forgot that I had a neck!’ CONFIRMATION - that chocker never leaves her flesh. Ever. Let that shit sink in, folks. Fun fact - it doesn’t fit, so they have to get an extender LOL AL sadly simpers ‘reason 529 for why I need to lose weight’ and I’m just cackling like an asshole here.
The struggle makes me sneer.
3:35 Miracles of miracles, F/JFoNY:MGF,W gets it to clasp, but it is digging into AL’s neck. She at first says she likes it a little tight because ‘it’s like the choker effect’ but then she starts to move that plastic shit she wears constantly, and we’re left with this:
LOLOLOLOL
She whines ‘is it supposed to be that tight, baebeeey?’ and I immaturely giggle and say ‘fuck no, it’s not.’ AL exaggerates her gasping and says ‘I can’t breathe’, to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W groans out an ‘Oh please.’ Because this dramatic dipshit.
3:49 Now AL’s showing us some dipped banana bites she tried last night. AL wants F/JFoNY:MGF,W to try them, because she likes peanut butter (to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W affirms), then states F/JFoNY:MGF,W likes banana (to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W says she’s like a dog. Make of that what you will). AL stumps yesterday’s Vlogmas instead of just telling us what she thought of them in today’s, because she be desperate for clicks. And then points out that she has leftover makeup on her face because fuck knows, those few seconds were so pivotal and important to have in this video. Great editing, AL.
4:14 F/JFoNY:MGF,W is trying the shit off camera. AL asks what she thinks, then sobers and slowly says ‘she looks grossed out.’ F/JFoNY:MGF,W states she doesn’t know what it is, but she doesn’t like them. AL is shocked, because OMG, someone doesn’t like a food item! The world is coming to an end! F/JFoNY:MGF,W clarifies that she thinks it’s ‘a ripe banana’, aka: too fucking sweet. AL then just looks flabbergasted as she says ‘ripe bananas are good. You’re the type that don’t like ripe bananas.’ GrammarLynn strike int he most subtle of ways. Banana conversation continues, though, with F/JFoNY:MGF,W stating that she likes her bananas almost green… then retracts that, and says ‘the perfect yellow.’ I agree with F/JFoNY:MGF,W here. AL just looks disgusted and says ‘No, that’s what gives you tummy aches.’ 22 month old, inebriated, learning words. And I heartily disagree with AL here. Greener bananas simply contain more resistance starch, which acts much like soluble fiber as it moves through your system. Sure, this can cause more gas, but it also helps bowel movements. F/JFoNY:MGF,W throws the bullshit flag at AL. (now I will say a few moments of research lead to the discovering of ‘more gas buildup from resistant starch’, but really, that’s it. It’s a rare occurrence. But surely AL found that and said ‘yup, need MORE SHUUUUUGARRRRRRY bananas that don’t require chewing!!’)
05:00 Now we’re staring at the counter by the fridge. Grocery haul as follows:
~Caffeine free Diet Pepsi (I die inside)
~Ground Turkey (3 lbs)
~Panera Bread Greek dressing
~Coffee mate coconut cream coffee creamer
~Garden salad in a fucking bag (3 of them)
~Broccoli crowns, EACH INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED IN PLASTIC WTF (3 of them)
~Large eggs (1 carton)
~Texas Toast cheese and garlic croutons (2 bags)
~Fairlife Core Power protein drinks (chocolate flavor, x2) because AL’s been seeing them everywhere. And she wanted these because apparently they taste just like chocolate milk (I don’t use these because, to be frank, I don’t like drinking my calories - however, I do buy Fairlife because the ultra-filtration and ultra-pasturization gives their milk products insane shelf-life after opening, and when you have a goblin that SOMETIMES demolishes a half-gallon in 3 days and SOMETIMES takes forever and a fucking year to empty the same container, good shelf-life is needed). Back to AL… she says she likes protein shakes because sometimes she doesn’t want to eat right when she wakes up (aka: she doesn’t want to expend the effort to assemble a plate of food or cook anything). And she wonders why she’s packing on pounds.
~Scallions
~Red Onions (x2)
~Carrots (and of course, they’re baby carrots in a bag. Because fuck getting full-sized carrots with the skin on them)
~Veggie burger patties (original faux chicken)
6:55 AL says she’s having a spicy miso soup.
Bitch, that shit’s a pre-fab ramen bowl with some chunks of pork thrown in it. She proclaims that it’s from a restaurant, and I’m wondering what fucking restaurant puts ramen noodles and chunks of pork into miso soup. Because that is not miso soup. I am going to yeet my soapbox concerning any and all food from the Far East to the far side of the room I am in, though, otherwise I will sperg about how she’s a fucking dumbass forever.
I’ll toss this link here, though. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vib7-vv5saA
There we go. I may have made all of these recipes and found exactly zero of them lacking. (Tonjiru is my favorite, though tomato and bacon comes in a screaming-close second)
7:02 ‘It is obviously sho guuuuud. It comes with OBVIOUSLY the noodles, there’s some corn in there, scallion, it comes with egg but I gave mine to F/JFoNY:MGF,W, comes with pork. It’s shooo guuuuud. And it is real spicy. It makes my lips a little puffy.’ Insert a ton of eye-fucking while she stuffs her face. And of course talking with her mouth open, because inebriated 22 month old just learning her words, and also uneducated when it comes to how to politely eat your food. Apparently F/JFoNY:MGF,W got the same dish and ‘is obsessed with this stuff.’ Good thing it’s not hard to make at home, then. At all. Except that /does/ require a smidge of effort, so that shit ain’t ever happenin’.
07:52 AL proclaims that starting tomorrow, they’re going to stop with the constant takeout. Uh huh, I belieeeeeeve you, AL. Like how I believe in Santa Clause, like I believe in love (and if you’ve ever seen A Year Without A Santa Claus, you’re welcome. If I had to suffer with that stuck in my head thanks to a goblin in this abode, so do you). Anyway, AL clarifies that they have takeout daily, but starting tomorrow they’re going to lessen it drastically because ‘we’ know how to cook (I will counter with F/JFoNY:MGF,W knows how to cook, and AL knows how to throw shit into a pot to make a shitty soup). AL says she always enjoys the food they make much more than takeout, but they’re lazy bitches. It doesn’t matter when it’s all SHOOO GUUUUUD. (Of course, she says ‘that corn in there slaps’ and I lament that it doesn’t slap her face.) She ends this segment by saying that real ramen from restaurants is sho guuud. I laugh dismissively, because this bitch can’t even comprehend what real ramen is like. </foodsnobbery>
8:52 Showing off her bathroom cabinet. Then shows her drawers - and that’s what she’s going to do. Ugh. Shit she finds:
~has a crimper she’s never used because her hair apparently doesn’t curl. Or crimp, I guess. Says she went through a phase a year ago where her hair was curling on its own (it was filthy) but it’s stopped doing that.
~has a ton of lipsticks she needs to go through.
~second drawer is a bunch of shit. She finds a random nail polish she forgot about.
~dumps out a bunch of bobby pins.
~random checkers and earrings because fuck putting them into all of her damned plastic containers
~Guuchi she’s had forever from F/JFoNY:MGF,W
~more nail polish she forgot she had
~bunch of shit she doesn’t even call out, just grabs and throws onto her sink
~tons of tangled chokers.
Type A, loves to clean, OCD y’all.
11:19 She does confirm that she’s going to lob a bunch of this shit to Goodwill. She shows those stupid happy-face earrings people wanted the most and were asking about the most when she was trying to sell off her shit, but apparently she couldn’t be assed to get rid of them despite never wearing them (we know she loves her retarded hoops and pompoms, though). Shows a retarded ‘best friend’ charm for her and her dog, where half is a necklace that won’t fit AL and the other half is a tag for a dog collar.
11:51 Jewelry she’s keeping from the random drawers in the bathroom. I’m betting it gets lobbed back into a drawer in said bathroom rather than moved off to the jewelry bins we know she has elsewhere.
And of course, bonus meat mitten because I couldn’t get a shot without it there.
11:58 Now earrings where she can’t find the 2nd one of the pair. TRASH, AL. It’s trash. Toss ‘em in the trash. ‘I’m just like ma’am, where are you?’ No, you’re not Zachary Michael, you are not just like ma’am where are you. You’re baebeeeeey, where are you, because you’ve assimilated F/JFoNY:MGF,W’s personality. Then she waggles her hand over a bunch of rings she can’t decide on (they probably don’t fit properly anymore kek). And she has a container of shit she’s getting rid of.
Goodwill gets to toss that shit, because you can tell it’s mostly chokers she couldn’t detangle.
12:20 She has to show us ‘the weirdest pair of earrings that I have.’ She’s getting rid of them. Then she gestures at her headphones, saying she’s listening to something, then states that she /has/ to be listening to something and she can’t work in silence. BullshitLynn is here again, because this is new information and we’ve seen her do cleaning dumbassery without any headphones multiple times in the past.
12:47
So the ‘weirdest earrings’ are basically a chain that goes between piercings. So quirky, gorl. I’ve seen a lot of those going from earlobe to helix, or from earlobe to septum, or helix to septum. Only a retard would wear it earlobe to earlobe across his or her neck. She goes on to explain that she could never see herself wearing this (which begs the question - why the hell did you buy it?), especially because she cuddles her three ‘fur babies’ a lot and feels they would ‘poooooll’ on it.
13:15 Fuck, she’s still going on with this cleanup shit. Shows the lipsticks she’s keeping, because piggy needs it. She’s putting them with her makeup instead of in the bathroom drawers. Then shows the shit she’s getting rid of. She paws through it to name it off. And of course, we can only hope she’s going to throw that shit away instead of trying to pawn used lipsticks off on Goodwill. Fatty fuck shows her lips which are now colored, stating that she’s wearing at least 10 lipsticks at one time now, because she had to smear them onto her face to see if she was keeping them. Even Eugenia Cooney understands to test them on the hand, and her brain has dissolved to cardboard thanks to malnourishment. Even Anna O’Brien understands to test them on the hand, and her brain has been consoomed by FAT. The fuck, AL.
13:58 Shows us the end result. And wouldn’t’cha know it, her stupid fucking jewelry is sitting in the bathroom drawers. Necklaces still on the package cardboard, earrings laid out in a plastic bin, chokers curled up in a neat little pile. That shit already slid forward when she opened the drawer. It’s going to be a disaster in 2 openings. She explains that earrings don’t belong in those drawers (agree) but also says that bandaids don’t belong in those drawers (and I’m like whaaaaa? Where the fuck else are you putting your medicinal/first aid shit if not in the bathroom, where you have a convenient sink for the washing of wounds and disposal of disinfectant liquid?!!? But then I remember that AL is a retard and move on with life). She waggles her paw around to point at shit - she has a ton of jewelry in this drawer along with her fucking toothbrush and those earrings where she’s missing the other half of the pair. Like WTF.
14:28 Second drawer makes a little more sense. It’s mostly hair supplies. She kept the crimper for some reason, despite her hair ‘not holding a curl.’
14:37 Oh great, now we have her recording her laptop screen with her camera. She STILL hasn’t figured out how to do picture-in-picture or just screen-sharing for her videos, because she takes her job so seriously. She’s buying necklace extensions on Amazon, because fuck just going to Walmart.
14:53 Awww, Rarity is playing with a jingly feather on a strong (courtesy of F/JFoNY:MGF,W) in her basket on the cat tree. It’s thankfully silent for 4 seconds before AL has to blurt out with her gooby baby-talk and ask her what she’s doin’. I will say that F/JFoNY:MGF,W is playing a satisfactory game of tug-of-war with the cat. THIS is the kind of interaction you should have with your feline, AL. Not lobbing advent calendar gifts at the tree from five feet away.
15:19 Fucking jump-scare of nightmares, we go from Rarity adorableness to AL’s fat neck. And once we get past the horror, Twinkie is visible over her shoulder. Once again, 4 seconds of blissful silence before baby-talk AL has to ruin the moment. AL distracts Twinkie from escaping as she wants, then focuses the camera on her, asking if she’s camera shy all of a sudden. The dog doesn’t look impressed. Her face says ‘treat or go the fuck away, bitch.’ AL resorts to pretending she’s not filming, and Twinkie ain’t fooled. She stays behind AL and just whines at her, because TREAT, FUCKER. AL catches on finally and gives her the last DreamBone treat. And of course, she first goads the animal by holding it just out of reach over her fat shoulder, then has her come under her arm and tells her to give her a paw. Twinkie slaps that shit onto AL’s hand, and then AL tries to slowly present the treat, telling Twinkie to be gentle. Twinkie ain’t havin’ none of that shit, trying to lunge for the present, because obviously AL isn’t the primary trainer, and this dog has no respect for her or her commands. She is a vessel for treats and nothing more. Once she has her treat she fucks right off.
16:41 AL shows us her ‘childlike creation.’ She has no black construction paper on her lighbright, just pegs rammed into the holes.
Now THIS is the shit quality we were expecting, AL! Way to go. But then she has to ruin this shit by saying ‘here’s some ASMR for you guys’ and runs her fatty sausages over the pegs rapidly and randomly. That’s not how any of this works, AL. That’s more anxiety-inducing than relaxing. Ugh. Then she starts plucking the pegs and dropping them noisily into a plastic bin. Then paws at loose pegs on top of the Lite-Brite. Then sticks her finger into her bin of pegs. Then starts ramming them into the Lite-Brite. Then tilting the fucking bag of pegs back and forth to make loud clacky-clacky noises. And mashes the bag under her big fatty meat mitten. CoNtEnT.
17:25 Now she’s sitting outside, apparently. Their patio is wet (after a few moments it becomes evident that it must have just finished raining, because there’s no sound of constant rainfall but rather the sounds of heavy droplets falling from trees onto their patio) and there’s stray leaves along the wall. She claims in text on the video to sit outside daily and nightly, which I once again claim to be bullshit.
17:39 Fatty is back on the couch. Still hasn’t wiped the ten-billion lipstick swipes off her lips. Starts with ‘alrighty!’ and then just groans and plops forward. CONTENT. After a jump cut, she explains that she has lipstick on her face, which is a big Hong Kong No Shitter. AL explains that she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W were kissing, then F/JFoNY:MGF,W wiped her lips off on AL’s facial fat. So now it’s time to use makeup wipes on camera.
18:05 Wants to talk about shit. Opens up by grabbing the Gemini series. Says she knows not everyone wants to read ‘which is weird to me, because reading is great’ and I go ‘wait, wasn’t it just your last Vlogmas where you hadn’t bothered starting because reasons? Pick a fucking lane, AL.’ Anyway, she talks about asking how to get out of a reading slump. She received a comment that states simply ‘For a reading slump - sometimes I just try a different book. You may just not want to read those now and pick something else.’ Which is decent advice, but assumes that AL can read something above tween level or has interest outside of YA lesbeeeeean romance bullshit. AL just says ‘they might be right’ and chose a different book. ‘Someone’s Story’ by BA Bellac is what she’s going to try and read. She makes no promises as to when she’s actually going to open that book up.
19:03 People have been noticing that her breathing is getting worse. She instantly goes to medical excuses, starting with lipodema, then going to lymphedema. She states that when they get more swollen her breathing gets worse and more labored, and right now she’s super swollen. Gripes about her legs being hard and swollen. Says ‘don’t come at me with ‘talk to your specialist about it,’ I do.’ Woah there, CuntyLynn. You should be grateful that people are concerned, not snapping at them. Yeesh. States that just because she’s talking to us about it doesn’t mean that she hasn’t talked to someone else about it. And she says this with cuntiness rolling right off her lips. And she continues her cunt-rant talking about how moving more and being up causes more swelling and shit, and ‘this is how it is.’ Get you them bandages and massages, gorl. LOL She goes ‘a simple Google search will tell you that.’ Then, MartyrLynn is put over CuntyLynn (and it’s not an easy fit, lemme tell ya) as she says ‘Or, learn about it through me!’ And that’s a right ‘NO’ that resounds from the crowd. Still blaming lipodema for her being swoooollen, but then acknowledges that she’s been ‘binging’ real bad at night for the last week. Except she’s not binging. She’s overeating. Says she ‘doesn’t know what’s triggering it’ and she’s going to talk with her therapist about it.
21:30 The whining continues. Now it’s on mentalz. She’s whining about AnXiEtIeZ and how this time of year causes it and it has already been covered how she doesn’t actually have anxiety attacks and labels feeling stressed as having anxiety, because this pudding brain still doesn’t have a thesaurus nor a dictionary and can’t figure out that words have actual, specific meanings. She needs to be punted firmly with the DSM. I have a copy, but am unwilling to ship it to Kentucky for her to drool on, because it’s not a YA lesbeeeeeean novella written for tweens and is therefore far beyond her capacity for comprehension. She actually claims to have had an anxiety attack a few hours ago (LIES) and one before (LIES) and one the day before (LIES). Says she’s had anxiety attacks since she was 18/19 and used to have them daily (LIES). She whines that they ‘exhaust’ her and they ‘ruin (her) whole day.’ Because she tries to be happy and shit and they wreck that.
A marginal down-swing in a chipper emotional state is not an anxiety attack, you nauseating twit.
22:25 And now with the ‘you guise don’t know everything that goes on in my life’ schtick. Because she doesn’t talk about a lot of shit that troubles her or bothers her. Says when she’s ‘binging’ she doesn’t enjoy the food. Except she’s not binging, because we know she’s not shoving raw flour into her mouth. Says she wants to stop ordering takeout so much because she wants to feel herself (yes, that’s what she says, not fill. Feel) with healthier choices (LOL Your chili soup isn’t healthy, it’s a fucking sodium bomb of grossness) and blah blah blah.
23:10 People were expecting a Monday weigh-in. Fuck you all!!! She’s no longer doing Weight Watchers, so her reason to do weekly weigh-ins is now gone. She’s going back to how she lost weight in the first place (cancer?). Says in summer of 2021 she was almost at her highest weight at 569. Says she lost 106 lbs from that point, and she did that by eating in moderation. Because she’s the Queen of Moderation, y’all.
I say again. Cancer?
24:06 Oh, no Monday weigh-in because she knows she gained weight and didn’t want to see that. Admits that she’s DenialLynn, doesn’t want to be DenialLynn, and proclaims she’ll be stepping on the scale ‘tomorrow’ but doesn’t know if she’s going to share that shit with her audience. Fuck you all!!!
24:40 Fuck, she’s still whining about lipodema. Because of course she is. She whines about the comments that point out her waddling. ‘There’s no rason to point out my waddling! There’s no reason to point out my breathing! I’m over 500 lbs with a bad case of lipodema!’ You should stopped with ‘I’m over 500 lbs’ there, AL. ‘It just shows the kind of person you are.’ Yup. Critical. Observant. Things you aren’t.
25:26 Fucking PlayDoh advent calendar. Green Doh. ‘Does this mean a tree IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU TAPIOCA-BRAINED IMBECILE. ‘Please be a tree IT’S STILL NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU MOST SPEEDY YET INCOMPETENT OF SPERMATOZOA. And yes, she got a tree mold.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Of note, she calls holly ‘mistletoes.’ At least she acknowledges that it looks pathetic.
26:12 Cat advent calendar. It’s a fucking twisted up piece of plastic ribbon.
NGL, my Torti would love that and lose it in 0.97 microseconds under the piano.
Of course, AL instantly ruins it by untying it.
She talks about how it reminds her of Chinese finger traps. She thinks that’s what it is. What a dipshit. I think she’s going to keep it. She ponders if it’s for ‘the human’. No, AL, it’s not for the human. She blathers about how Wasabi was playing with one of the toys earlier, but she didn’t have her camera. Then she comments how Rarity didn’t even budge from her basket.
27:47 Comment of the fucking day. Last video got 613 comments. Hopes there’s positivity.
Lexie Fraiche (AL refuses to try and pronounce the surname): The scale of the items on the mini brands is off-putting. I mean, I wouldn’t spend money on it either way, but shouldn’t they be scaled to the same ratio?
AL, of course, never thought about this. She cuts out without any retarded kissy shit.
0:25 So she opens by being flabbergasted that she’s made it to 15, saying so to off-screen F/JFoNY:MGF,W. ‘That’s crazy.’ No, no it’s not. You still need a thesaurus. I rather wish that Jade (oops, I mean F/JFoNY:MGF,W) would gift you one on one of your stupid Vlogmas gift exchanges, because not everything on this planet is ‘crazy’ you imbecilic amoeba-brained nitwit. She then tells us that she’s going to do Vlogmas for 25 days. Or rather, she says ‘I do Vlogmas for 25 days.’ Since when? Lemme give ya a hint. Since never in all your years on YouTube, LiarLynn.
0:38 Update on her international gift IT’S NOT A MOLMENT YOU PUDGY-FACED VESSEL OF UNENDING VACOUS STUPIDITY situaFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOOOOOOOOUUUUUUU. Her friend got a knock on the door today and got two of the boxes. The final box needs to get picked up from the post office.
1:08 AL isn’t having the greatest day. Call the whaaaaambulance, folks, because this one is health related. You don’t say! Health related when you’re over 500 lbs?! Say it isn’t so!!! Oh, sorry. Back to her rambling. She says in this current molment she doesn’t want to speak about it because she just wants to be happy. Fuck you and your click baiting. I wonder if it’s going to be another ‘I thought I had a tumor and the ER which doesn’t diagnose people misdiagnosed me but ends up I had walking pneumonia so this was a huge nothing-burger’ escapade again.
1:25 ‘F/JFoNY:MGF,W wants me to open my gifty-gifty.’ You know what… at this point I’m going to simply accept that she has the brain of a drunken 22 month old who’s just learning her words, because otherwise Imma lose my shit and be drunk as a skunk by the end of this, and I don’t need a hangover on top of the pain that comes from major lactic acid buildup (even if you take the time to massage all affected muscles, do an ice bath and relax after a hard effort, sometimes it still really fucking hurts). It’s a smaller gift this time, so nope on the hopes of it being a thesaurus. AL rattles it by her chubby cheek and says ‘she sounds like a necklace’ and I say ‘he likely does, but he/she is an inanimate object and doesn’t have a sex, dipshit.’
1:40 AL reveals a black box, and before opening it, looks off-screen and asks ‘Wait, are you proposing?’ and INSTANTLY goes ‘CLICKBAIT!!!’ and makes a retarded shocked-face.
Told’ja it was dumb.
But that wasn’t her only attempt. She also did this one.
Fuck you and ‘YouTube chooses my thumbnails for me’Lynn.
1:49 Then she gruffly proclaims, ‘There’s no proposal, folks,’ before opening it.
This is ghetto as fuck.
AL, of course, squeals ‘Oh, is this a B for Bambi?’ then realizing how stupid she sounds, supplements ‘a B for Baaaebeeeeey?’ And of course, that’s the one F/JFoNY:MGF,W confirms. AL of course says it’s ‘stunnennnnnn.’ Not stuneeeeen, stunennnnnn.
2:40 Of all the content she had to leave in this shit, it’s her discussing how guessing what your gift is prior to opening it makes it more fun. And she goes on about this for longer than I cycled today.
2:50 They’re trying to get it on, and AL goes ‘Is it gonna fit?’ before laughing and professing ‘I forgot that I had a neck!’ CONFIRMATION - that chocker never leaves her flesh. Ever. Let that shit sink in, folks. Fun fact - it doesn’t fit, so they have to get an extender LOL AL sadly simpers ‘reason 529 for why I need to lose weight’ and I’m just cackling like an asshole here.
The struggle makes me sneer.
3:35 Miracles of miracles, F/JFoNY:MGF,W gets it to clasp, but it is digging into AL’s neck. She at first says she likes it a little tight because ‘it’s like the choker effect’ but then she starts to move that plastic shit she wears constantly, and we’re left with this:
LOLOLOLOL
She whines ‘is it supposed to be that tight, baebeeey?’ and I immaturely giggle and say ‘fuck no, it’s not.’ AL exaggerates her gasping and says ‘I can’t breathe’, to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W groans out an ‘Oh please.’ Because this dramatic dipshit.
3:49 Now AL’s showing us some dipped banana bites she tried last night. AL wants F/JFoNY:MGF,W to try them, because she likes peanut butter (to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W affirms), then states F/JFoNY:MGF,W likes banana (to which F/JFoNY:MGF,W says she’s like a dog. Make of that what you will). AL stumps yesterday’s Vlogmas instead of just telling us what she thought of them in today’s, because she be desperate for clicks. And then points out that she has leftover makeup on her face because fuck knows, those few seconds were so pivotal and important to have in this video. Great editing, AL.
4:14 F/JFoNY:MGF,W is trying the shit off camera. AL asks what she thinks, then sobers and slowly says ‘she looks grossed out.’ F/JFoNY:MGF,W states she doesn’t know what it is, but she doesn’t like them. AL is shocked, because OMG, someone doesn’t like a food item! The world is coming to an end! F/JFoNY:MGF,W clarifies that she thinks it’s ‘a ripe banana’, aka: too fucking sweet. AL then just looks flabbergasted as she says ‘ripe bananas are good. You’re the type that don’t like ripe bananas.’ GrammarLynn strike int he most subtle of ways. Banana conversation continues, though, with F/JFoNY:MGF,W stating that she likes her bananas almost green… then retracts that, and says ‘the perfect yellow.’ I agree with F/JFoNY:MGF,W here. AL just looks disgusted and says ‘No, that’s what gives you tummy aches.’ 22 month old, inebriated, learning words. And I heartily disagree with AL here. Greener bananas simply contain more resistance starch, which acts much like soluble fiber as it moves through your system. Sure, this can cause more gas, but it also helps bowel movements. F/JFoNY:MGF,W throws the bullshit flag at AL. (now I will say a few moments of research lead to the discovering of ‘more gas buildup from resistant starch’, but really, that’s it. It’s a rare occurrence. But surely AL found that and said ‘yup, need MORE SHUUUUUGARRRRRRY bananas that don’t require chewing!!’)
05:00 Now we’re staring at the counter by the fridge. Grocery haul as follows:
~Caffeine free Diet Pepsi (I die inside)
~Ground Turkey (3 lbs)
~Panera Bread Greek dressing
~Coffee mate coconut cream coffee creamer
~Garden salad in a fucking bag (3 of them)
~Broccoli crowns, EACH INDIVIDUALLY WRAPPED IN PLASTIC WTF (3 of them)
~Large eggs (1 carton)
~Texas Toast cheese and garlic croutons (2 bags)
~Fairlife Core Power protein drinks (chocolate flavor, x2) because AL’s been seeing them everywhere. And she wanted these because apparently they taste just like chocolate milk (I don’t use these because, to be frank, I don’t like drinking my calories - however, I do buy Fairlife because the ultra-filtration and ultra-pasturization gives their milk products insane shelf-life after opening, and when you have a goblin that SOMETIMES demolishes a half-gallon in 3 days and SOMETIMES takes forever and a fucking year to empty the same container, good shelf-life is needed). Back to AL… she says she likes protein shakes because sometimes she doesn’t want to eat right when she wakes up (aka: she doesn’t want to expend the effort to assemble a plate of food or cook anything). And she wonders why she’s packing on pounds.
~Scallions
~Red Onions (x2)
~Carrots (and of course, they’re baby carrots in a bag. Because fuck getting full-sized carrots with the skin on them)
~Veggie burger patties (original faux chicken)
6:55 AL says she’s having a spicy miso soup.
Bitch, that shit’s a pre-fab ramen bowl with some chunks of pork thrown in it. She proclaims that it’s from a restaurant, and I’m wondering what fucking restaurant puts ramen noodles and chunks of pork into miso soup. Because that is not miso soup. I am going to yeet my soapbox concerning any and all food from the Far East to the far side of the room I am in, though, otherwise I will sperg about how she’s a fucking dumbass forever.
I’ll toss this link here, though. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Vib7-vv5saA
There we go. I may have made all of these recipes and found exactly zero of them lacking. (Tonjiru is my favorite, though tomato and bacon comes in a screaming-close second)
7:02 ‘It is obviously sho guuuuud. It comes with OBVIOUSLY the noodles, there’s some corn in there, scallion, it comes with egg but I gave mine to F/JFoNY:MGF,W, comes with pork. It’s shooo guuuuud. And it is real spicy. It makes my lips a little puffy.’ Insert a ton of eye-fucking while she stuffs her face. And of course talking with her mouth open, because inebriated 22 month old just learning her words, and also uneducated when it comes to how to politely eat your food. Apparently F/JFoNY:MGF,W got the same dish and ‘is obsessed with this stuff.’ Good thing it’s not hard to make at home, then. At all. Except that /does/ require a smidge of effort, so that shit ain’t ever happenin’.
07:52 AL proclaims that starting tomorrow, they’re going to stop with the constant takeout. Uh huh, I belieeeeeeve you, AL. Like how I believe in Santa Clause, like I believe in love (and if you’ve ever seen A Year Without A Santa Claus, you’re welcome. If I had to suffer with that stuck in my head thanks to a goblin in this abode, so do you). Anyway, AL clarifies that they have takeout daily, but starting tomorrow they’re going to lessen it drastically because ‘we’ know how to cook (I will counter with F/JFoNY:MGF,W knows how to cook, and AL knows how to throw shit into a pot to make a shitty soup). AL says she always enjoys the food they make much more than takeout, but they’re lazy bitches. It doesn’t matter when it’s all SHOOO GUUUUUD. (Of course, she says ‘that corn in there slaps’ and I lament that it doesn’t slap her face.) She ends this segment by saying that real ramen from restaurants is sho guuud. I laugh dismissively, because this bitch can’t even comprehend what real ramen is like. </foodsnobbery>
8:52 Showing off her bathroom cabinet. Then shows her drawers - and that’s what she’s going to do. Ugh. Shit she finds:
~has a crimper she’s never used because her hair apparently doesn’t curl. Or crimp, I guess. Says she went through a phase a year ago where her hair was curling on its own (it was filthy) but it’s stopped doing that.
~has a ton of lipsticks she needs to go through.
~second drawer is a bunch of shit. She finds a random nail polish she forgot about.
~dumps out a bunch of bobby pins.
~random checkers and earrings because fuck putting them into all of her damned plastic containers
~Guuchi she’s had forever from F/JFoNY:MGF,W
~more nail polish she forgot she had
~bunch of shit she doesn’t even call out, just grabs and throws onto her sink
~tons of tangled chokers.
Type A, loves to clean, OCD y’all.
11:19 She does confirm that she’s going to lob a bunch of this shit to Goodwill. She shows those stupid happy-face earrings people wanted the most and were asking about the most when she was trying to sell off her shit, but apparently she couldn’t be assed to get rid of them despite never wearing them (we know she loves her retarded hoops and pompoms, though). Shows a retarded ‘best friend’ charm for her and her dog, where half is a necklace that won’t fit AL and the other half is a tag for a dog collar.
11:51 Jewelry she’s keeping from the random drawers in the bathroom. I’m betting it gets lobbed back into a drawer in said bathroom rather than moved off to the jewelry bins we know she has elsewhere.
And of course, bonus meat mitten because I couldn’t get a shot without it there.
11:58 Now earrings where she can’t find the 2nd one of the pair. TRASH, AL. It’s trash. Toss ‘em in the trash. ‘I’m just like ma’am, where are you?’ No, you’re not Zachary Michael, you are not just like ma’am where are you. You’re baebeeeeey, where are you, because you’ve assimilated F/JFoNY:MGF,W’s personality. Then she waggles her hand over a bunch of rings she can’t decide on (they probably don’t fit properly anymore kek). And she has a container of shit she’s getting rid of.
Goodwill gets to toss that shit, because you can tell it’s mostly chokers she couldn’t detangle.
12:20 She has to show us ‘the weirdest pair of earrings that I have.’ She’s getting rid of them. Then she gestures at her headphones, saying she’s listening to something, then states that she /has/ to be listening to something and she can’t work in silence. BullshitLynn is here again, because this is new information and we’ve seen her do cleaning dumbassery without any headphones multiple times in the past.
12:47
So the ‘weirdest earrings’ are basically a chain that goes between piercings. So quirky, gorl. I’ve seen a lot of those going from earlobe to helix, or from earlobe to septum, or helix to septum. Only a retard would wear it earlobe to earlobe across his or her neck. She goes on to explain that she could never see herself wearing this (which begs the question - why the hell did you buy it?), especially because she cuddles her three ‘fur babies’ a lot and feels they would ‘poooooll’ on it.
13:15 Fuck, she’s still going on with this cleanup shit. Shows the lipsticks she’s keeping, because piggy needs it. She’s putting them with her makeup instead of in the bathroom drawers. Then shows the shit she’s getting rid of. She paws through it to name it off. And of course, we can only hope she’s going to throw that shit away instead of trying to pawn used lipsticks off on Goodwill. Fatty fuck shows her lips which are now colored, stating that she’s wearing at least 10 lipsticks at one time now, because she had to smear them onto her face to see if she was keeping them. Even Eugenia Cooney understands to test them on the hand, and her brain has dissolved to cardboard thanks to malnourishment. Even Anna O’Brien understands to test them on the hand, and her brain has been consoomed by FAT. The fuck, AL.
13:58 Shows us the end result. And wouldn’t’cha know it, her stupid fucking jewelry is sitting in the bathroom drawers. Necklaces still on the package cardboard, earrings laid out in a plastic bin, chokers curled up in a neat little pile. That shit already slid forward when she opened the drawer. It’s going to be a disaster in 2 openings. She explains that earrings don’t belong in those drawers (agree) but also says that bandaids don’t belong in those drawers (and I’m like whaaaaa? Where the fuck else are you putting your medicinal/first aid shit if not in the bathroom, where you have a convenient sink for the washing of wounds and disposal of disinfectant liquid?!!? But then I remember that AL is a retard and move on with life). She waggles her paw around to point at shit - she has a ton of jewelry in this drawer along with her fucking toothbrush and those earrings where she’s missing the other half of the pair. Like WTF.
14:28 Second drawer makes a little more sense. It’s mostly hair supplies. She kept the crimper for some reason, despite her hair ‘not holding a curl.’
14:37 Oh great, now we have her recording her laptop screen with her camera. She STILL hasn’t figured out how to do picture-in-picture or just screen-sharing for her videos, because she takes her job so seriously. She’s buying necklace extensions on Amazon, because fuck just going to Walmart.
14:53 Awww, Rarity is playing with a jingly feather on a strong (courtesy of F/JFoNY:MGF,W) in her basket on the cat tree. It’s thankfully silent for 4 seconds before AL has to blurt out with her gooby baby-talk and ask her what she’s doin’. I will say that F/JFoNY:MGF,W is playing a satisfactory game of tug-of-war with the cat. THIS is the kind of interaction you should have with your feline, AL. Not lobbing advent calendar gifts at the tree from five feet away.
15:19 Fucking jump-scare of nightmares, we go from Rarity adorableness to AL’s fat neck. And once we get past the horror, Twinkie is visible over her shoulder. Once again, 4 seconds of blissful silence before baby-talk AL has to ruin the moment. AL distracts Twinkie from escaping as she wants, then focuses the camera on her, asking if she’s camera shy all of a sudden. The dog doesn’t look impressed. Her face says ‘treat or go the fuck away, bitch.’ AL resorts to pretending she’s not filming, and Twinkie ain’t fooled. She stays behind AL and just whines at her, because TREAT, FUCKER. AL catches on finally and gives her the last DreamBone treat. And of course, she first goads the animal by holding it just out of reach over her fat shoulder, then has her come under her arm and tells her to give her a paw. Twinkie slaps that shit onto AL’s hand, and then AL tries to slowly present the treat, telling Twinkie to be gentle. Twinkie ain’t havin’ none of that shit, trying to lunge for the present, because obviously AL isn’t the primary trainer, and this dog has no respect for her or her commands. She is a vessel for treats and nothing more. Once she has her treat she fucks right off.
16:41 AL shows us her ‘childlike creation.’ She has no black construction paper on her lighbright, just pegs rammed into the holes.
Now THIS is the shit quality we were expecting, AL! Way to go. But then she has to ruin this shit by saying ‘here’s some ASMR for you guys’ and runs her fatty sausages over the pegs rapidly and randomly. That’s not how any of this works, AL. That’s more anxiety-inducing than relaxing. Ugh. Then she starts plucking the pegs and dropping them noisily into a plastic bin. Then paws at loose pegs on top of the Lite-Brite. Then sticks her finger into her bin of pegs. Then starts ramming them into the Lite-Brite. Then tilting the fucking bag of pegs back and forth to make loud clacky-clacky noises. And mashes the bag under her big fatty meat mitten. CoNtEnT.
17:25 Now she’s sitting outside, apparently. Their patio is wet (after a few moments it becomes evident that it must have just finished raining, because there’s no sound of constant rainfall but rather the sounds of heavy droplets falling from trees onto their patio) and there’s stray leaves along the wall. She claims in text on the video to sit outside daily and nightly, which I once again claim to be bullshit.
17:39 Fatty is back on the couch. Still hasn’t wiped the ten-billion lipstick swipes off her lips. Starts with ‘alrighty!’ and then just groans and plops forward. CONTENT. After a jump cut, she explains that she has lipstick on her face, which is a big Hong Kong No Shitter. AL explains that she and F/JFoNY:MGF,W were kissing, then F/JFoNY:MGF,W wiped her lips off on AL’s facial fat. So now it’s time to use makeup wipes on camera.
18:05 Wants to talk about shit. Opens up by grabbing the Gemini series. Says she knows not everyone wants to read ‘which is weird to me, because reading is great’ and I go ‘wait, wasn’t it just your last Vlogmas where you hadn’t bothered starting because reasons? Pick a fucking lane, AL.’ Anyway, she talks about asking how to get out of a reading slump. She received a comment that states simply ‘For a reading slump - sometimes I just try a different book. You may just not want to read those now and pick something else.’ Which is decent advice, but assumes that AL can read something above tween level or has interest outside of YA lesbeeeeean romance bullshit. AL just says ‘they might be right’ and chose a different book. ‘Someone’s Story’ by BA Bellac is what she’s going to try and read. She makes no promises as to when she’s actually going to open that book up.
19:03 People have been noticing that her breathing is getting worse. She instantly goes to medical excuses, starting with lipodema, then going to lymphedema. She states that when they get more swollen her breathing gets worse and more labored, and right now she’s super swollen. Gripes about her legs being hard and swollen. Says ‘don’t come at me with ‘talk to your specialist about it,’ I do.’ Woah there, CuntyLynn. You should be grateful that people are concerned, not snapping at them. Yeesh. States that just because she’s talking to us about it doesn’t mean that she hasn’t talked to someone else about it. And she says this with cuntiness rolling right off her lips. And she continues her cunt-rant talking about how moving more and being up causes more swelling and shit, and ‘this is how it is.’ Get you them bandages and massages, gorl. LOL She goes ‘a simple Google search will tell you that.’ Then, MartyrLynn is put over CuntyLynn (and it’s not an easy fit, lemme tell ya) as she says ‘Or, learn about it through me!’ And that’s a right ‘NO’ that resounds from the crowd. Still blaming lipodema for her being swoooollen, but then acknowledges that she’s been ‘binging’ real bad at night for the last week. Except she’s not binging. She’s overeating. Says she ‘doesn’t know what’s triggering it’ and she’s going to talk with her therapist about it.
21:30 The whining continues. Now it’s on mentalz. She’s whining about AnXiEtIeZ and how this time of year causes it and it has already been covered how she doesn’t actually have anxiety attacks and labels feeling stressed as having anxiety, because this pudding brain still doesn’t have a thesaurus nor a dictionary and can’t figure out that words have actual, specific meanings. She needs to be punted firmly with the DSM. I have a copy, but am unwilling to ship it to Kentucky for her to drool on, because it’s not a YA lesbeeeeeean novella written for tweens and is therefore far beyond her capacity for comprehension. She actually claims to have had an anxiety attack a few hours ago (LIES) and one before (LIES) and one the day before (LIES). Says she’s had anxiety attacks since she was 18/19 and used to have them daily (LIES). She whines that they ‘exhaust’ her and they ‘ruin (her) whole day.’ Because she tries to be happy and shit and they wreck that.
A marginal down-swing in a chipper emotional state is not an anxiety attack, you nauseating twit.
22:25 And now with the ‘you guise don’t know everything that goes on in my life’ schtick. Because she doesn’t talk about a lot of shit that troubles her or bothers her. Says when she’s ‘binging’ she doesn’t enjoy the food. Except she’s not binging, because we know she’s not shoving raw flour into her mouth. Says she wants to stop ordering takeout so much because she wants to feel herself (yes, that’s what she says, not fill. Feel) with healthier choices (LOL Your chili soup isn’t healthy, it’s a fucking sodium bomb of grossness) and blah blah blah.
23:10 People were expecting a Monday weigh-in. Fuck you all!!! She’s no longer doing Weight Watchers, so her reason to do weekly weigh-ins is now gone. She’s going back to how she lost weight in the first place (cancer?). Says in summer of 2021 she was almost at her highest weight at 569. Says she lost 106 lbs from that point, and she did that by eating in moderation. Because she’s the Queen of Moderation, y’all.
I say again. Cancer?
24:06 Oh, no Monday weigh-in because she knows she gained weight and didn’t want to see that. Admits that she’s DenialLynn, doesn’t want to be DenialLynn, and proclaims she’ll be stepping on the scale ‘tomorrow’ but doesn’t know if she’s going to share that shit with her audience. Fuck you all!!!
24:40 Fuck, she’s still whining about lipodema. Because of course she is. She whines about the comments that point out her waddling. ‘There’s no rason to point out my waddling! There’s no reason to point out my breathing! I’m over 500 lbs with a bad case of lipodema!’ You should stopped with ‘I’m over 500 lbs’ there, AL. ‘It just shows the kind of person you are.’ Yup. Critical. Observant. Things you aren’t.
25:26 Fucking PlayDoh advent calendar. Green Doh. ‘Does this mean a tree IT’S NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU TAPIOCA-BRAINED IMBECILE. ‘Please be a tree IT’S STILL NOT A FUCKING MOLMENT YOU MOST SPEEDY YET INCOMPETENT OF SPERMATOZOA. And yes, she got a tree mold.
BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
Of note, she calls holly ‘mistletoes.’ At least she acknowledges that it looks pathetic.
26:12 Cat advent calendar. It’s a fucking twisted up piece of plastic ribbon.
NGL, my Torti would love that and lose it in 0.97 microseconds under the piano.
Of course, AL instantly ruins it by untying it.
She talks about how it reminds her of Chinese finger traps. She thinks that’s what it is. What a dipshit. I think she’s going to keep it. She ponders if it’s for ‘the human’. No, AL, it’s not for the human. She blathers about how Wasabi was playing with one of the toys earlier, but she didn’t have her camera. Then she comments how Rarity didn’t even budge from her basket.
27:47 Comment of the fucking day. Last video got 613 comments. Hopes there’s positivity.
Lexie Fraiche (AL refuses to try and pronounce the surname): The scale of the items on the mini brands is off-putting. I mean, I wouldn’t spend money on it either way, but shouldn’t they be scaled to the same ratio?
AL, of course, never thought about this. She cuts out without any retarded kissy shit.
TL;DW/R: (Seriously, there’s tons of pictures in this one, take a gander lol - not as good as the try-on one where I got fridge-side-views of every outfit, but still) AL says that 3/4 boxes arrived at her ‘friend’s’ place and the 4th will have to be picked up from the post office. Gift is a retarded necklace that looks ghetto as fuck and needs an extender to fit AL’s chubby neck. F/JFoNY:MGF,W hates banana bites. Grocery haul. Eats ramen while saying it’s miso soup. ‘Organizes’ the drawers in her bathroom - one of them has jewelry stuffed into it, the other hair supplies and a crimper she’ll never use. Lite-Brite ASMR that makes me want to rupture my eardrums with a chopstick. Gives up on the Gemini series, goes with ‘Someone’s Story’ by Bellac instead. Whines about lipodema and lymphedema. Claims she has anxiety attacks (lies). Gets a PlayDoh tree mold and makes a retarded hearth. Steals the cat toy thinking it’s for humans. Comment of the day says mini-brands are a waste of money and are off-putting because they’re not scaled to the same ratio - AL is befuddled by that statement.
Edit: It would be nice if I could actually learn how to type some year. There was no excuse for this one, as I only had one tumbler of delicious brandy-spiked egg nog and am therefore mostly sober.
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