AI-generated fake news thread - Make your own in two simple steps!

[AnOminous]

kiwifarms.net
Russell Greer and Taylor Swift announce marriage
June 6, 2019 - Christine Chandler

(KITV) – Russell Greer and Taylor Swift released a statement on Wednesday announcing their engagement.

Fans have been on the edges of their seats since news of an on-again, off-again relationship broke in 2017. Russell Greer and Taylor Swift became “UPSET TODAY!!!” on twitter for the reason that they just can’t stop together, and they aren’t quitting anytime soon.

Greer popped the question after two years of dating, they have been through their ups and downs and now they are ready to be married. I will never forget the day I heard the first thing ever, it was a random high school boy at a party and I couldn’t stop laughing my ass off at that one line of dialogue in a song he had written and, thank you Lord, has been one of my favorite songs of all time.

I will also never forget the day I came home to tell my Mom that I was going to be HAPPY. And that I’d found my wife to be. Music is universal and the world is all of a piece, and Russell and I find this as true as the next person. The world is as one. With the world’s most loved and talented artists. And we just got to be a part of it. That is something we will remember for the rest of our lives.

If we have to get married every time someone makes fun of us for dating in the same band (which is often) then we will get married every time someone makes fun of us for dating in the same band. The same band. Nothing else matters. Only love. And life. And @taylorswift13. And our album.

So say what you want about us. Let’s hear your unsolicited thoughts. Share them. Sometimes I can’t help falling in love. Or maybe I just fall in love all the time. If I had one thing to do over with the record I made it this. If I had one thing to do over with the album I made it this. There is no way around it, I’m in love.

I never thought I’d say it out loud. But I do. Love. Has. Changed.

A world where love is for everyone.

 

[whatever I feel like]

I got it to write spoken word poetry....

Fake Article
nytimes.com
My apology to Nanda.
June 6, 2019 - Witw Staff
“To the student, Anastasia;

The poet, Nanda Shah;

To the music critic, Charles Rosen,

and anyone who’s criticised me.

I was completely wrong, and I apologize.

One night, I had an argument

that I found silly.

I called the poet a ‘Madrassa pimp.’

I did not mean it, of course.

I wish that I hadn’t said it.

And I wish that everyone who’s criticized me,

for whatever reason, had the same courtesy

I’ve shown them.

I made up for what I’ve done.

I tried to look at myself in the mirror.

And I tried to look in the mirror.

I did

it.

And you know, it’s worked.

You know, I try very hard to act as if my life was never

more chaotic and confusing than it has been.

I try very hard to act as if everything I’ve done

was a mistake.

I try very hard to think that my actions

have had positive effects.

I’ve tried really hard.

I have to admit that these actions are true.

For two days I didn’t sleep.

I had trouble eating.

I was so worried that I’d hurt someone’s feelings.

So I went to bed.

And I lay in bed, scared to sleep.

I tried to be the good student.

And I tried to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the student.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

And I tried really hard to be the poet.

I tried really hard to be the poet.

 

[Milk Mage]

dailystormer.name
Why the fuck does it hurt when I pee?
June 6, 2019 - Andrew Anglin

I’ve been trying to decide what it is about writing this article that demands to be published in the May/June of this year. I hear that this is an awful time of year to write about pee.

It’s really stupid. More weird and dumb than any of the other times I’ve typed the words.

I blame this on your own navel, for being satisfied by your own stupidity. My problem is the fact that I don’t realise that urine will hurt me. Some readers will see this as the implication that anything you drink is poison, but I’m not here to argue the philosophical merits of liquid nitrogen or anything like that. The problem is we don’t know.

However, your sense of irony is getting thinner every time you teach your children to judge an adult on their level of judgement, or teach you to judge a brick wall on its capability of absorption. You sense of irony starts sinking in that the only thing that can harm you is a wet mound of pee. This is a situation where plenty of people have lots of things that could harm them. You can tell the reactions of guests at your house when people get annoyed with you for trying to explain to them how putting cat urine on your back is different to using lime juice or water. A group of seven-year-olds doesn’t understand you at all, and the assumption that “I’m gross, I must have something in my urine” is a simplistic assessment of the problem. Because it’s a simple problem, that’s all. You just want to get out of this house safely, and the only real way to do that is to avoid the creatures that are using you for a quick meal.

If this space doesn’t allow you to consider your housemates who could put poison into your drink, I’m sure there’s a dark underbelly to your house that gives you absolutely no warning that there are potentially deadly creatures hidden away behind the relatively harmless looking garage door. Just imagine you’re inside, wondering where someone has concealed that formaldehyde enema I just made you drink, and you walk out into the bathroom. You’re both pushing yourself through the doorway when you manage to feel your bladder start to fill up with a jolt of the kind of pain that would elicit the conclusion of a health class. Your bum is squeezing you like a wet sponge between the water and the frozen solid come all that goes, because you have pissed something, or more accurately, you have teetered onto hard objects or stones that suddenly find themselves in difficulty. Your happiness, your faith in the world, your lifespan, your ability to be socially acceptable, all seems to be curtailed by the slow strangulation of your bladder, which is frequently burdened by a small fear that if you piss badly it could end in death.

 

[Kiwi Lime Pie]

Inspired by WogglebugLover's obsession for the Woggle-Bug, I got this gem. Bonus points for the AI including a reference to "Dr. Oz" .

Spoiler: Possibly NSFW

nytimes.com

Insex: Woman caught performing sex acts with insects.

October 26, 2015 - Ken Tomology
This is not a new story, but if you haven’t been following it closely, this video is worth a look. It started in 2012, when a husband returned home to find his wife and her best friend, Jeanette, performing oral sex on a bunch of mealworms. They were always together, and over the last five years they became known as the “Munch Bugs Gang.” Though they were doing all kinds of sex acts with insects, there were also special occasions like the National Insect Day and Halloween.

Lauren Zink went on “The Dr. Oz Show” to talk about the Menican Exotics Zoo. On her YouTube channel she revealed more of the details. They’ve been doing this for years, and have a bunch of different species, including anteaters and scorpions. She said that the insect sex act is a common one in Bangor, Maine.

Lauren also talked about how the insect sex act is a strange pleasure. “There’s so much pleasure,” she said. “It’s a flinging sensation.” On “Dr. Oz,” Dr. Oz explained that insects don’t feel pain, but they do not feel pleasure. Lauren admitted that her husband had told her that you never want an insect to feel pain. They even hand-groom the insects, which is more than the method used for human impotence treatment. And the men may have to step up their game for a new video for the Naty Who loves Bugs YouTube channel.

*By Ken Tomology.

 

[Give Her The D]

huffpo.com
Refraining from masturbation shown to cause penis rot, scientists say
July 12, 2013 - Mark Cohen

ANCHORAGE, AK - New research shows that inhibiting sexual behavior in men, even if it is an entirely voluntary measure, may have negative consequences.

Scientists with the Center for Sexology Research recently published new findings based on two studies. The first, studying five young men, found that those men who did not masturbate complained of pain and disability. They also experienced lower sperm counts.

Researchers also found that men in monogamous marriages with sexual partners were the least likely to complain of pain and disability, and had the highest sperm counts.

The second study of 30 young women found that women with sexual partners experienced a greater relationship satisfaction, and felt more happy and relaxed. Women with extra marital partners - those who had no sex partners at all - also reported a significant increase in relationship satisfaction and happiness with life.

"Men who report that they have a disability from masturbation believe that this has to do with something in their anatomy or maybe their state of mind," said researcher Mary Queen. "But we do not understand this relationship."

Researchers now propose that the problem may instead be one of function. Their theory is that many men regard masturbation as a natural feature of their bodies and experience problems when they disengage.

"In our opinion, this very non-healthy routine simply increases their urge for masturbation," said researcher Margaret Norton. "And this further increases their discomfort level when they try to stop. So in other words, ejaculation-induced pain and/or dysfunction may actually be a symptom of masturbation."

After removing from their DNA the ability to generate female sexual desire, the researchers theorize that men may also experience physical symptoms of pain or disability while masturbating.

"Our research with the subjects shows that this may also be true when we try to discourage them from masturbation by turning it into a problem," said Norton. "That is why we concluded that masturbation is really no problem at all for the men in our studies."

 

[Floop]

nytimes.com
Why I joined in on the trend of eating feces.
June 6, 2019 - Ethan Beethan
My parents have long since moved away. We are no longer in touch — since we last heard from them, I’ve become ill. I can’t remember if they were upset or not, but suffice it to say that they are no longer my parents. They’re just people who lived in the same neighborhood when I was a kid. And then their last names changed. I recently reconnected with my folks for a lovely dinner. We had a glass of wine, a conversation, and talked about me and my work. Before we finished that conversation, my mom came to me and said: “Maybe you could go to the bathroom in the back and poop and throw it in the trash.” Now I’m thinking: this is gross. I thought this is what I would do when my parents died and I had to fend for myself. But that’s not the way life should work. My parents aren’t deceased. I want to save myself. So, I went to the bathroom and pooped. The thing is, I was not alone. Last week, The New York Times ran a story about a new trend: poop eating. The article was written by reporter Jordan Shapiro, and the photos depict diners opting to eat bugs, snail meat, and leafy, “native” greens. Shapiro, in the course of his investigation, sought to gauge the cultural appeal of the poop eating trend. Shapiro discovered that men and women between the ages of 18 and 29 are joining in on the eating, which looks a lot like the wildebeest hunting festival held in Kenya a few years ago (hence the tourist growth). The trend, of course, is not without controversy. Some people think it’s gross. Plus, what some are feeling is essentially implied: That if you want to eat bug meat or a variety of disgusting-looking vegetables, you must be personally soiled by the practice, as in severely ill. The article quotes a PhD candidate in evolutionary biology, Doha Dabbs, who notes that as pre-agricultural human life began to change, “the nutrients we were able to extract from the environment were replaced with more energy-efficient toxic ones, and all these are [considered] unsafe or even terrible for human consumption.” The article notes that in South America, people were a few centuries ago eating cat feces. Still, you cannot argue with results: Pet scorpions are delicious! Cleansing by ramen! The next time you have an apple crumble in mind, there is a small chance it was not made by a slave. Remember that, when reading another news story about the Confederate flag. For every time you sit on the toilet and inadvertently send the result to a local arboretum, there is another person doing the same act. Shapiro writes that one person that the article interviewed is from Iowa, “a Midwestern state where worm fungus has long been fed to livestock.” This pasta dish is widely served around the world, from France to Peru, with no comment from those from who are not in the know. This is a fascinating thought exercise. Because this is how it went down. Shapiro visited — or rather dug, I guess — into a family-owned restaurant in Des Moines, and I wonder — and I know this sounds gross — if someone asks about the origins of this pasta dish, they can simply say, “I don’t know, it was invented by your uncle.” How can anyone be mad at that? I’m not here to use The New York Times as a check mark for “strong feminist,” or those who support diets that seem so bizarre, and who want to be wowed. And, if you are uncomfortable with this idea, this is why: The truth, as long as it is not hidden, is your secret.

 

[Slimy Time]

nytimes.com
Why Cuckolds Should Be Included In The LGBT+ Movement
November 8, 2019 - George Ouzounian

Cuckolds are men who sleep with women. Cuckolddom is not something that appears in the movies, nor in any of the books that constitute the LGBT+ literature. In fact, cuckolds have never been a real phenomenon.

But that’s starting to change. In 2003, lesbian comedian Amy Schumer performed a bit as a “cuckold”—one that made the point that cuckolds’ behavior was often interpreted as misogynistic. Facebook has started to take down posts that refer to cuckolds. And some educators are starting to reconsider the sometimes soft language they use when talking about the male gender to deny sexual orientation.

These developments are small ones, but they are notable in their own right. We no longer accept the idea that the natural male/female biological sex — and the age-old masculine/feminine roles and self-definition that go with it — is the basis for our understanding of human social life. Translated into political, this means that we are moving toward recognizing a set of alternative meanings of “sexual orientation.”

These meanings include transgender, bisexual, and queer, which all frame gender in very different ways than did the old terms. They include queer and queer persons, as well as non-binary people. And they suggest that sexual identity is more than just a function of biological sex, which is what it has been thought to be for years.

The results of this reassessment are potentially enormously important. In countries such as Canada, Britain, and the Netherlands, marriage laws permit civil unions for gay and lesbian couples. If more countries go down this road, as seems likely, then courts will have to offer same-sex couples—who are, after all, a people of the same sex—access to marriage as well.

But the real value of this work comes in the legal and societal realms. From a cultural perspective, the change is a big deal. The late Kenneth William Greenhut, who was gay, did a lot of work in the 1980s showing how homophobia and violence were intimately tied to the way people defined themselves as heterosexual, and their social agency. As that work was repeated in another decade, it worked to reverse some of the attitudes that gave rise to the Stonewall riots.

No one questions, of course, that homophobia and violence against gay people are widespread. Nor do anyone doubt that gay people face much more discrimination in part because of the racial, gender, and other political animus that still exists. But it now seems far less necessary to justify prejudice against gay people by saying that sex between males is evil. Whatever the differences between what a male and a female heart feels like, we shouldn’t look for moral justification for determining a man’s sexuality based on his physiology. (Nor should we justify the subordination of women based on the forcible sex they endure, although that reality is, unfortunately, far from unthinkable.)

That’s something to celebrate, regardless of how hard it is to understand.

 

[The Last Stand]

Barb Chandler, mother of autistic manchild, finally dies
November 8, 2019 - David Distenfeld

Barb Chandler. Photo: Courtesy of the Chandler family

Barb Chandler was living out her life not knowing what was the best way to make a living. Her son, Daniel, was “advanced” autism — meaning that his skills were being matched with the best therapy, specialists, and schools available in the country. Yet the medical world was difficult to navigate — Daniel was diagnosed with Asperger’s, a neuro-developmental disorder that causes unusually acute social and communication difficulties. Chandler, the savvy mother of a special-needs child, once said, “I have two lives, one with Daniel in the classroom, and one with me in a six-by-eight-foot bungalow with no roof on it.”

She didn’t wear a uniform. It was not a struggle for her to take Daniel to school every day — but it was difficult. In a nutshell, Chandler knew she needed to make an extra income if she was to afford regular hours for Daniel’s incredible staff of consultants — whose salaries regularly fell below even her own modest income of about $80,000 a year.

Chandler believed that her son could potentially be made to his full potential. She had cultivated a passion for improving the lives of autism-afflicted children and adults, ranging from speech to social-skills aides. She loved doing what she could for those most troubled by autism, who were often first taught as a remedial kid. On the outside, she wore brightly colored designer clothes, had met Beyoncé, showed up as the voice of Elmo on Sesame Street, and co-founded several high-profile nonprofits for children with special needs. On the inside, though, she struggled. She lost friends. Chandler once said, “This is still my boy — I’ve lost 30 pounds, I was 50 pounds overweight.” She didn’t realize the difficulties living independently until she met a neighbor, a fellow woman with autism. “This isn’t easy,” she’d say, “But if I can make it, anyone can.” She was right. Chandler made it through long days of therapy, weekly outings to the pools, and a crumbling part of her life. She believed in herself.

At age 73, Barb Chandler died last week at Beth Israel Medical Center in Manhattan. Her daughter, Stacy, the latest addition to the Clan Chandler, shared memories of her mother:

It wasn’t just because of being terminally ill that my mom wanted to not be self-absorbed or self-promoting. It was because my mom came from an era when being associated with other special-needs kids was a must. Being the mother of a child with developmental delays or a self-admitted “nervous SNAFU kid” would be good enough. Once you became self-pitying you were being self-pitying, plain and simple. It was up to the rest of us to do the talking. To tell people about what’s on our minds and why it’s important. You can stay inside your bubble. It’s not a place I choose to live.

She lived for the life of a lady with a special-needs child. If there were people needing help or questions about autism in general or what therapy was available, she was able to not only help but to educate herself to be able to give the best possible assistance she could. Her service organization, Clara’s House, was a new facility where she helped adults with developmental disabilities to have their visions fully realized and trained in life skills. She also hosted meals for the staff at Clara’s House and supported them in any way she could. Her motto was: “Everyone deserves a chance.”

We were so lucky that we found her.


Photographs and text by Eli Estus

Photo added by me.

 

[Guardian G.I.]

CWC-related review time! This thing is great at writing reviews.

Spoiler: CWC's Adult Chronicles (the book, apparently)

washingtonpost.com
"Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles" Set to Release This Year
November 7, 2019 - Mark Townsend
Retired FBI agent Bob Weston will publish the fourth in a series about 21st century love that explores the Holocaust and modern manhood and will be called "Christian Weston Chandler's Adult Chronicles: Volume IV."

Weston has written each of the books, exploring love between two Jewish American men — both radical thinkers — and telling how those relationships flourish in the face of monumental tragedies.

Weston's previous stories, "Christian Weston Chandler's Love Papers" and "Christian Weston Chandler's Strange Love" came out this year. Volume III, "Christian Weston Chandler's Christian Love Stories," was released in February.

Weston is the author of six mystery novels and executive producer for "Christian Downtown," a TLC reality show about Nashville.

The final installment in the series, "Christian Weston Chandler's Christian Love Stories: Volume III," will be released Feb. 18.

Weston will speak at the Science Museum of Virginia's "Design Talks" series on "Jesus and the Resurrection" on Dec. 10. More information is here.

Spoiler: Sonichu Adventure 2

kotaku.com
Review: "Sonichu Adventure 2" (PS2, Gamecube)
October 23, 2003 - Paul Krugman

Funny how some games work in almost exactly the same way, while others merely change the battle theme. But Sonichu Adventure is one such game. If you dig the original, then you'll no doubt get a kick out of the sequel.


For the uninitiated, Sonichu is a Japanese dungeon crawler. In this sort of game, a dude named Sonichu moves his party (which consists of one male and one female) through this supposed "imaginary world". Using his sword, high-heeled shoes, umbrella, and a pinball style baseball bat, Sonichu fights on other characters' behalf to try and save their kingdom.

In order to improve on the original, the developers at Pixel Lab thought of several nifty tricks. They introduced a skill tree in order to breed more powerful, kitten-like characters. Beyond this, they added different environments and landscapes. It all adds up to a wonderful original experience, with 3D artwork that is nothing short of gorgeous.

It sounds like a lot of work to produce a follow-up, but in reality there is only so much room to add new areas and introduce gameplay features. They still added plenty of new features and learned a few new tricks along the way.

Sonichu Adventure 2 finally brings one of the most appealing aspects of the original - a great mode that allows you to choose a winner from rival characters. This mode is somewhat tricky, since it makes you raise your characters to specific levels. Although this can prove a tad frustrating at times, you'll have the added enjoyment of seeing your character do well in this competition.

Furthermore, if you take your character to the wrong spot, you may find that you've created yet another enemy to beat. In fact, there is only so much you can do with a character.

Things don't get much better from there, as the game finally addresses one of the biggest complaints about the original - time constraints. From here on out, you'll have to plan out your battles in advance to see if you can win against the good guys or not. The first few times you die, you'll be annoyed, as it's like losing to yourself. But then you start earning points and level up. And then finally, you start to learn the story and the secrets that lie behind it.

All in all, this is a fantastic game that packs an awful lot into a relatively compact package. There are even some "bonus" screens that enable you to rearrange your environments. It's a fine game, and yes, it should be played in the original order, rather than starting with all the levels. The original is still an outstanding experience, and the sequel should be played in its proper order.

Kotaku: What were some of the challenges? Because I am playing on the Wii (and therefore have access to the second analogue stick) is there more challenge there? Is it not a similar experience?

Advantage: The Wii version, although the second analogue stick gave me trouble initially. If you want the best version of the game, you should play it on the original console.

Kotaku: It looks like part of the strategy is learning the locations, the kind of fights that are going to take place in a given location. Did you actually learn where the weapons and stuff were in the original version? Where did you get the information for this game?

Advantage: From this we gathered from our E3 demo and our own research - Microsoft is the major publisher of the game.

Kotaku: I believe that one of the things that is most exciting for me is Sonichu's Dragon's Canvas, which is a painting mod. How much did you work on this mod and how did you come up with the idea of this gameplay system?

Advantage: As far as I know, none of this is in the game. But that was a good idea, right?

Kotaku: Anything left that you're working on and any plans for a game next?

Advantage: Eremundo, in fact. Not entirely sure if it will be in time for Christmas this year.

Kotaku: What would you like people to take away from the game?

Advantage: The original was made for kids, so this isn't for everybody.

Kotaku: So do you think that there is room for a Lego title that can work in this vein?

Advantage: One thing is for sure, just wait and see!

Kotaku: How can people who aren't new to the Japanese artform approach the game?

Advantage: The game looks great, like a figure-of-eight, 360 degree panorama, and everything you do, is epic.

Kotaku: What inspired you to make this game?

And finally, America's Favourite Game:

Spoiler: according to CWC, anyway

ign.com
Review: "Kick the Autistic - America's Favourite Game" (PS2, Xbox)
April 9, 2003 - Jennifer Swanson

• System: PS2 and Xbox

• Cost: $50

• Developer: Red Dragon Entertainment

• Experience level: 6-10

• Summary: Kicking, dodging, dodging, dodging. With social play options and funny stand-up remarks scattered around the game, "Kick the Autistic" makes friends out of enemies. Grab a friend and get on board; this game will spark plenty of laughter.

1. Odds and ends for those who don't play much

Fortunately, the game's four themes are based on fun rather than gimmicks. There's a vehicle theme, two hero themes and a villain theme, each with a suitable user. Once you've picked a theme, we recommend playing it both solo and in multiplayer to really get to know and appreciate the plot. In general, players should follow the trend toward low-fidelity graphics--there's not much to look at aside from in-game cameras--so you can concentrate on the action.

2. Power-ups on tap

There are a handful of eight-digit power-ups (known as "Snapshots") you can use to perform tasks such as kicking enemy heads back, whacking fists or pulling strings in order to create a sudden burst of energy.

3. Bravery factors

The enemies become harder as the game progresses, but you're rewarded by gaining toughness, which is achieved by completing an interactive mini-game each time you interact with one of the villains. Your opponent's toughness also increases; this throws more chances at you to tackle the villains.

4. Speed-ups and people watching

Players are given the chance to perform simple speed-ups that enable you to chop enemies in half and roll them toward you. You can also watch other players complete similar tasks, such as grabbing clothing and shoes from a frightening assailant.

5. Close quarters

At any time, you can scramble inside a small room or vestibule where you and your friend can actually interact with each other. You might pick up a power-up or shoot enemies from a higher vantage point, creating more opportunities to laugh out loud.

6. Game over

There's an option to skip some of the minigames in the storybook mode, and that can be handy if you're not the strongest player. Since many of the characters exist only on the screen, there is no way to save these players. The jokers in your group may skip most of these minigames while they try to approach them head-on.

7. Action replay: Off the screen

For a quick replay of the action and a bit of social interactive fun, go on the Internet and search through film database links--check for soft edges, scratches, furbelows, scratches/furbelows in plate graphics--and read reviews to see what others have to say about the previous play-through.

8. Award winning

No matter how badly you play, there is a chance that, at some point, you'll stumble upon an award, such as Family Journal. (FYI: Parents, do not allow children under 5 to play in this game.) When you click on an award, it notifies you of the difference in graphics and difficulty level between that play-through and the next one, to make it a little harder.

9. The final word

There is no shame in dumping the game in the trash or quitting when the story-line, stats and reward systems are proving too much. This fun little action adventure isn't for everyone, but it will probably turn out to be a surefire favorite for anyone who enjoys acting out a good underdog story and supporting good guys who take the high road.

Jennifer Swanson is an 11-year-old Dana Point resident and member of the Globe Children's Choir

 

[Large]

Update: It's not public anymore.

 

[DeadwastePrime]

Update: It's not public anymore.

rip how will i make shitty ai generated headlines to own the libs