Hello everyone.
You may remember me as the incoherent writer who was devastated over her trans wife admitting she may be poly and couldn't string a sentence together to save her life.
First and foremost, thank you so much to this community for seeing my pain and letting me know it's ok to not be alright with being poly. I know it must be uncomfortable having people come in and bring heavy posts to the table, especially when it must be hard to find a positive and comforting community to share your journey with. I want to apologize for being a downer, but let you guys know I didn't come here to be a troll or make polyamory seem horrible. On the contrary, I think it's really incredible that you guys can enjoy rich, beautiful experiences with more than just one person! It just isn't my personal cup of tea, but I am glad for those who do enjoy it!
Secondly, I came here to get a true perspective from you all, instead of the echo chamber of "poly is bad, omg how could your wife be selfish" that I am sure to run into by posting this delicate situation elsewhere. I wanted a real, honest, and compassionate understanding of the situation to see if I was the issue, if this could be salvaged, or if we can work through this together and find a compromise.
Onto the actual situation, with my thoughts and feelings now that I am not completely filled with emotion. I would like more perspective, and I think it's healthy for me to put my thoughts somewhere. Any and all advice is welcome:
My wife and I met 7 years ago as a monogamous straight cis couple. All those key points are...wrong. lol. 3 years back, my wife did a lot of soul searching and came out as a trans woman. I had absolutely no issue with this and was extremely positive about the whole thing. It was a lot to reconfigure in my brain, research, and understand but I was happy for her to move forward in her life as authentically as possible. We got married nearly 2 years ago now, and committed to one another in a lesbian marriage I had assumed would be just the two of us forever.
It is important to note I am my wife's only sexual partner, not out of religion or anything but just because that's how the cards fell for her. Its also important to note that I came from a difficult childhood that invoked deep wounds of abandonment, lack of self-worth, and a suicide attempt at 16. I am working through these as best as possible, but financially therapy isn't in the cards right now. So my deepest wounds involve not feeling like I am enough. I grew up with the fantasy that I would be married to a man who would be my happily ever after (unhealthy, I know) and I would have self-worth when I was married to someone who wanted to be with me enough to spend their whole life with me. It became an obsession. Since meeting my wife I have identified how unhealthy this was and am also working on it. We are married and it's very obvious that happily ever afters don't exist (but you can enjoy life with someone, yada yada). I've worked through most of this, but the residual deep wounds of feeling like someone could leave, that I am a worthless piece of shit, and other emotions are still strong in me. I am working on it, and yes therapy is important. I don't need advice on that, I just am giving some context as to why this hurts me so badly. my wife is aware of all of this and I have come a LONG way in the 7 years we have been together.
6 months ago my wife opened up about maybe wanting to be poly. I asked why. She cited that she doesn't believe that one and onlys are a thing, doesn't believe that needs can be met with just one person, feels our sex life isn't as good as it could be, and wants to experience other experiences with other people. Not just to have sex, but to love them, learn from them, have them involved in her life.
All of these are opinions, and valid ones to have. I am not here to cite that her feelings are wrong. They aren't. but they do cut into my heart deeply. I don't feel any need to be with others, and experiencing other people and growing with them/learning from them is called friendships to me. I don't see why sex and deep intimacy needs to be a part of that equation. Our sex life is almost dead (once every few weeks) because I am a cis woman on Mirena, and it has all but killed my drive, so I understand that aspect but I am willing to come up with solutions on that front.
I just feel devastated. I thought I was her one and only. I thought I was enough for her as a person, that I was covering all her needs. I have overcome so much with her, and I have had my entire life changed by her transness. There is anger in me and resentment, if I am entirely honest, that I have changed my life so much in the face of her being trans and helping her with her work struggles, her personal issues, dysphoria, etc only to be told I am basically not enough for her. That she may need others to fill gaps. It's a slap to the face for all my work and makes me want to drop everything I've been doing for her and let her see how much of her life operated smoothly because I sacrifice and work hard for her. I am also extremely sad. Why does she have to feel that way? It also is hitting me massively in my most wounded parts, with the one person I trusted.
For the sake of our relationship, and under the hope that maybe this was life's way of telling me I needed to lick my wounds clean by fighting them head-on- we tried to do the meet and hang and a little more thing. She met a few people, didn't sleep with them, but heavy petting ensued. I had some heavy petting with another woman as well, and...it didn't go well. I had a panic attack a day later and felt extremely suicidal. I felt she had betrayed me, and I had betrayed her, even with the cognitive understanding that we have mutually agreed to this. I was berating myself and using this as a reason for why I am unlovable, why people leave me, how crap I am- it was as if all my wounds came to life and attacked all at once. It was truly horrific. I was able to handle it until they faded a week or two later, but I know for my own mental sanity I cant do that again. It's just...way too much. I can say I gave it my best shot. I also, selfishly, jumped into the "lets just do this and see" camp because I desperately hoped she would realize how much better shes got it with me. That this would be a self exploration phase, and then she would see the light, and we could close our relationship up and I would never have to hear those words from her again.
Obviously, that was NOT the way to handle the situation. She cried when I told her that we needed t close the relationship and that I cant do it. She was very understanding of my reasons why, but it hurt her. I thought that was the end of it, that we were just not going to discuss this anymore, and boom. done.
But shes been researching still, and still diving into learning why she feels this way, and seeing if it needs to be something she has to pursue. A talk a few days ago had me open and completely honest that if she chose to go down that path I couldn't follow, and we would have to leave. The tricky part of this is dating as a trans woman is dangerous, hard, and you never know whos dating you because they are a chaser or because they genuinely love and care for you. She met me before she ever realized she was trans, so I am one of a kind in her eyes for that reason. She loves me so much, and I know that. we do have a really healthy relationship where we can talk to one another about anything. The only topic I don't want to discuss is this, because my choice is final on the matter for my boundaries.
Typing this out makes me realize that we do need to have some painful talks about this for the sake of keeping an open ear, heart, and door operation in our marriage. so, I guess I have to go back and explain that I do want to talk about it (even though I really don't) so we stay on the same page. Anyways.
She says she would pick me 99 times out of 100 if she discovers this is something she needs, not wants. That doesn't sit well for me at all. 1. if its something she needs, she cant compromise on it. It is what it is. and 2. it would breed massive resentment in her.
I just don't really know what to do. I am already grieving because I know I am not special to her anymore. I am not the one and only, the apple of her eye that I thought I was. She would be happy to go and have experiences with others if I said yes, and her brain is hardwired to be alright with this breaks my sacred feelings about the two of us. How we are a dream team, and one and onlys for each other now. It feels like her vows are cheap, that she doesn't love me as I love her. That I am just one drop in an ocean and insignificant. I am not the one she cares for to the highest degree. She can take that love and give it to others, and it devastates me. Even if she stayed in the relationship I now have to carry with me my whole life that I am not her one and only. That I'm not special, or important, or above others to her. And it's making me consider divorce because I refuse to not be someone's everything. I deserve that. It's taken me a long time to realize I deserve that, but I do. And I don't think she is capable if this is how she thinks.
I want some advice from this sub on this complicated topic, if possible. thanks.
] alcoholic
