10/9
I’ve decided that I want to say my piece. My peace, even. I want to start by saying that this is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done, and I’m so fucking beyond sorry. While this situation was completely shocking and out of the blue for everyone, I was not surprised by his affairs. Because I was a part of them. I had started attending streams in August or September of 2017. In late 2017, I had learned he had a snapchat and being a fan, I of course wanted to talk to him. Whenever he replied to me, I was giddy, because duh. We had a very long conversation over snapchat one night at like 4 am and this was the beginning of us talking. However, at this point, the only real thing that was less-than-safe for work was a dirty joke he had made to me. It didn’t become anything more until February 2018. I had just gotten nipple piercings and came into his stream like “haha ow guys my fuckin’ tiddies hurt” and I’m sure some people remember that. But later that night, I asked out of nowhere if he wanted to see. It was censored, not that it matters. He said sure (or something to that effect) and that’s how it started. I had no idea that anything even close to this would ever happen. I don’t even know why I did it, honestly. I think it was just one of those things where you’re like “hey, why the hell not?!” While I guess this means I initiated it, hearing the stories coming out, I likely would’ve still been in the same situation even if I had never sent him that picture. We exchanged nudes and even talked about hooking up at RTX 2018. I felt so insanely guilty about what was happening for a while. But… I don’t know. It’s been so long now that I can’t really remember why I stopped feeling bad about what was going on behind his wife’s back. I guess I had just started to compartmentalize. I don’t know. I know I hoped I wasn’t the person he had decided to cheat for, and I wasn’t. God knows who was, but pretty early on, I knew of one other person that he had slept with — another fan, and someone I befriended.
Fast forward to RTX, Friday night. After Theater Mode, I rushed to the front of the panel room and I met him for the first time. I was practically vibrating, I was so anxious. We took a selfie and that was it. We had plans to hook up that night. I went back to the place I was staying at, and waited. He was going to First Night, so I just had to wait. At about midnight, he tells me that he’s back at his hotel and I can come over. So I did. My story is very different from the story that Mish/Michelle posted. I won’t go into details, but the only part of our hook-up story that’s the same was that he also took my virginity. I was 20 when we started talking, and when we first hooked up. We hooked up twice that weekend.
I had told someone in the community that I was friends with at the time, S, a few weeks before RTX what my plans were. Once S found out that I had gone through with it, he went ballistic on me. S started harassing me throughout the entire RTX weekend and for a long time after. S came to streams and harassed both him and I. He said I had to delete everything explicit in our snapchat history, in case it leaked. S blackmailed me with telling his wife, and eventually tried to extort the both of us for money. S even made a twitter account to try and share text screenshots where I had made jokes about my experience. Eventually, it finally stopped. However, he and I were still exchanging nudes and even just talking like friends. Eventually, we started making more plans. He offered to pay for my flights and my hotel. I accepted. I went back to Austin in February 2019. I believe we hooked up twice during that trip. We made more plans. This time, he didn’t pay for it. I went back in May 2019. Again, I believe we hooked up twice. The last time we hooked up was during RTX 2019, and it only happened once this time. We sexted until as recently as last month. We continued to talk normally the whole time as well. I even messaged him during this entire shit show, because I still cared for him in some way, and I was worried. I never wanted any of this to happen. Obviously it would’ve blown up eventually, but I didn’t think it would be like this. Not at all. I’m not here to make excuses for myself or any of my shitty choices, because there aren’t any. I know this.
I’m not here for sympathy either. During all of this, I’ve been battling inside myself. I had never thought of myself as a victim, ever. I thought I had been a consenting adult the entire time. But suddenly people are coming forward with worse and worse stories, and all I’m hearing are: “victim,” “power imbalance,” “manipulation,” “grooming.” I never knew how many women, or even fucking girls were involved, or how many could’ve been. God knows how many other girls’ flights and hotels he paid for. It was all about plausible deniability. Even when I came to him flat out and said that I knew about other girls, he never came out and admitted to it straight away. Hell, he even lied to some of his own mods, and other fans. The thing about him, was, God, it’s him. He’s talking to me. Even after the initial fangirling had worn off, talking to him was still intoxicating. I had never had anyone tell me how beautiful or sexy I was before, but he was the one saying it, so it seemed so much more… I don’t know. But I was hooked. It was just sex all along, nothing more, but it was addicting. It was thrilling. He made me feel special and wanted, and I definitely felt it. But I wasn’t. None of us were. He just made us feel like that. Maybe so we didn’t get any ideas and go looking for other girls. There’s a part in a Minecraft Sky Factory episode where he’s talking about colluding hoes. When it first came out, I thought it was funny. Looking back, some of us had started getting in contact with each other and realizing we weren’t the only ones. He wasn’t afraid of collusion, he was afraid of the consequences of his actions. He just wanted us to stay quiet and not look for any other girls. Like I said, we did just talk about life sometimes. It was mostly about my life, but I did get the same story as it seems everyone else got: “Aw, I love my wife so much, but we never have sex,” whatever. He treated me like we were friends. Hell, he even called me his friend more than once. He told me some personal stuff about his wife that I won’t repeat, but basically they weren’t intimate and she didn’t even want to talk about sex or anything. He told me that she would leave him if she knew what he was doing, because she thinks that sex is tied to romance. He told me to keep it all a secret. And I know that he told other girls that too. But I’m bad at keeping secrets; I’ve told quite a few people, most of them way before any of this. He would sometimes vanish for days or weeks, or even just seem disinterested in talking to me. It always felt like a punch to the gut, especially after I was so used to a certain amount of his attention.
With all these stories coming out, and the more I see, I wonder if I was manipulated the entire time, just like everyone else. I think that he would disappear or seem disinterested to keep me always crawling back for more, because he knows that so many of us found him so enticing. I’ve seen multiple victims mention that he talks to girls who are young (sometimes virgins, sometimes even underage) girls who have some sort of insecurity or maybe mental illness, and those in the lgbt+ community. Young girls can be naive and are more likely to be quiet, especially if they have a mental illness, in fear that people won’t believe them. Girls with insecurities and girls in the lgbt+ community are often unsure about or questioning something and thus, are also less likely to say anything. This is absolutely the case for me. I was legal, but I was still young. I have mental illness and I’m insecure, and I’m queer. At the time, I had identified as bi, and I wasn’t sure if I was asexual or not. He knew all of these things, and I think he definitely used them to his advantage, to have me think he was sympathizing with me or something. But at this point, it’s a pattern. Most people were so blindsided because he portrayed himself as this perfect family man, this perfect husband and father. And I think that’s what let it go on for so long, none of us wanted to ruin his life and destroy that image. I had heard rumors about one underage girl a little bit after I got into his community. I brushed it off because, of course, he was the perfect family man. Even after we became involved, I brushed it off, because there was no way he could be so fucking stupid as to do anything with an underage girl. But knowing what I do now, that's one of the things that makes me feel so fucking sick to my stomach. I said that I was a consenting adult the entire time, because he always made it seem like I had a choice. And maybe I really did. He always said to tell him if he was making me uncomfortable, or if I wanted him to stop. Of course, I told him it was fine. I didn’t want it to end, I was selfish. But looking back on it, he used his “star power,” if you want to call it that, to get me and so many others in bed. He took advantage of naive fans who adored him. When you’re in that situation, when someone you adored is talking to you and giving you this special attention, you’d be a goddamn fool to turn it away, because isn’t that what everyone envies? Yes, I was a legal adult, I should’ve known better, but I was also a fan. I was still fucking vulnerable, and he took advantage of that. But these were not fucking “mistakes.” These were blatant choices, sometimes even ones that required advance planning.
So. I’ve basically had panic attacks every day since this first came out. I’ve had no appetite, I’ve been crying consistently because I feel such unrelenting guilt. Like I mentioned, I had checked on him during this. I even fucking offered to be there for him. He told me he was so broken inside. He told me something super alarming and scary, which I didn’t expect because he gets people all the time telling him how he helped them not kill themselves and the like. But the more I think about that, it seems like just another fucking manipulation, a way to keep me on his side.
I don’t feel sorry for him anymore. I feel sorry for his wife and kids, who never asked for any of this but could now be in danger, and have to deal with this for the rest of their lives. I feel sorry for the fucking countless other girls that have been involved, and the ones that could’ve been. I feel sorry for the girls whose stories are much scarier than mine. I feel sorry for my friends, and even strangers, who had to watch this come out and learn that their idol was a predator. I feel sorry for the mods who are now being accused of knowing about this and allowing it to continue. And I feel sorry for the rest of AH, who are so fucking gutted and feel that they’ve lost a family member. I feel sorry that they hurt so much for not knowing that this was happening right under their noses. My therapist and friends tell me that I have nothing to apologize for, but I think I do. I was a part of this situation. I’ve been grieving like everyone else, but I feel like a fucking fraud, telling everyone how sorry I am and how much I love them, when I have this huge fucking black cloud over my head. I never could’ve imagined just how many people this could hurt. He deleted his snapchat, so unfortunately I also don’t have any proof of texts, but I do have photos taken during a few of the times we hooked up. I honestly never thought I would be coming out with my story, and part of me feels like I’m betraying him but I have to have loyalty to myself, and everyone else that his actions hurt. Since this has come out, someone who I can only assume is the man who harassed me, made another twitter account to once again try to expose my part in this huge charade. Again, I don’t want any sympathy. But this is a part of my story.
I know the backlash that Tess and Mish are getting from this, and I know that might happen with me too. But I don’t really care. I know that this is kind of over, that there have been some kind of consequences to his actions, but this manipulation and gaslighting and abuse of power will stick with all of us for a long time. I just want it all to stop. I want everyone to stop hurting from this. I want to be able to live my life without this over my head. I acknowledge my bad choices and my role in all of this and I regret it all, but he is the only one truly to blame. Not us. Not his alleged marriage problems. Not his mods. Him. But I’m still so fucking sorry.
10/10 UPDATE:
He re-downloaded his snapchat. I immediately went and started grabbing some screenshots. Part of me felt guilty about it, but I’m done protecting him. He noticed. He messaged me. I didn’t even want to look at it, because I assumed he was going to start harassing me for betraying him or something. But that’s not at all what happened. He started out sounding all sad, wondering if there was any chance I would talk to him. I took my chance and ran with it. I played along almost the entire time, acting like I was still on his side. I expressed concern for him and confusion at his actions and the stories coming out. He told me how his marriage and career were gone, how he’s trying to just be there for his kids, be a better man. He said he swore he never thought he was victimizing anyone, that he “thought he was trying to do what both people wanted.” He said that he “never treated anyone differently” than he treated me. I told him I didn’t know what to believe, some of these stories were scaring me. But then, he said that he “had no idea the influence he must’ve had,” and that it’s “easier for a lot of people to make him the bad guy than deal with the guilt of doing it willingly,” and how he “never abducted people and took them to a hotel,” and it “wasn’t even always his idea.” Kind of a weird flip, right?
During a decent amount of this conversation, some small part of me still wondered if he was telling the truth. But I know now that it was just another fucking manipulation, just like it has been for over two years. I brought up the fact that my abuser had come back since all of this, and he tried to use that against me too, saying that “even when that jackass came after us both, I still wanted to be your friend and do what I could to make him go away.” But whenever any rumors came out and he was confronted, he would deny it and say that the other person the rumors were about was crazy. And he had the audacity to call me his fucking friend. Then, he said something so fucking sickening, that (because I was taking screenshots) he “still didn’t know if I was going to add to the fire at this point,” and how he “hoped I won’t for his kids’ sake.” It was bad enough that he manipulated and gaslighted (gaslit?) me the entire time, but the fact that he was trying to hold his own children over my head? That was the nail in the coffin for me. I have since taken pictures of our conversations with another camera, as to not give him any more notifications that I was taking screenshots. While I was going through our conversations, I noticed that he had deleted some of his messages to me, some even recently, because I still had the message that he “deleted a chat.” I know there are people who won’t believe the screenshots or the pictures of the screenshots, or even the pictures from the times we hooked up. But this is real, and I stand with all of his other victims.
Besides all this, I have learned that he has told other girls how close he is to harming himself. All in an attempt to keep us quiet, because we wouldn’t want to be the reason he hurt himself, right? It’s fucking bullshit. All of it. I’m disgusted. I’m sharing this update because I want to show just how much of a manipulative jackass he is. He’s known all along what he’s been doing. He manipulated me for over 2 years, and manipulated so many other girls, his mods, other community members, and his ex coworkers. He is still manipulating everyone with his please-feel-bad-for-me twitter “apology.” God only knows how much he’s manipulated his poor wife too. He used his fame over me and countless others and spun a sad tale about a depressing marriage to make me feel like what was happening was totally fine. But it wasn’t, and I still feel so guilty. I know he knew his influence. I have proof. He sent me a message in June, saying he hoped he didn’t take advantage of me. I said no, because again, I didn’t think of myself as a victim. He response to me was that it “was a weird line to cross,” and he’s “older and some kind of internet person. That’s so many influencing factors.” He knew exactly what he was doing, he always did. Stop making excuses for him. And if he’s reading this: Fuck you. Fuck you for everything you’ve done to me and these other girls. Fuck you for the choices that you made, and for all the people you’ve hurt. Fuck you for trying to guilt trip me over and over into keeping my fucking mouth shut. And FUCK YOU for using your kids and your wife to try and do so.
www.resetera.com
