Fanfiction Horrors

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Syaoran Li said:
What is it with autistic Millennials and communism?
Click to expand...

It branched out of frustration for the current shit American job market, except now it's been co-opted by lazy Tumblr slacktivist types as a "hey, capitalism won't support me for doing nothing, maybe communism is the right way to go since everyone's equal and will be provided for!"/"hey all right let's redistribute the rich's money for the poor!" when anyone who has studied a modicum of history will tell you That's Not How It Works.

I can understand the frustration with the current system as it stands, but communism is not the fucking answer.
 
Not a fic, per se, but this Tumblr post showed up on my dash today--probably an old post constantly making the rounds around this time, but whatever, it amused me because of how whiny it is.

August 21st: Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day

It is not surprising news that fanfiction writers are highly underappreciated.

There’s something wrong with the numbers: let’s take a popular fic with almost 4k hits. For let’s say 700 readers, it will get about 50 comments and 300 Kudos (those numbers are just an example, sometimes it’s worse than that). Maybe I’m being too kind, maybe not, but things stay the same; there’s something wrong here. Can you see it?

It takes us days, weeks, sometimes months to write a story for you. We write for ourselves yes, but we also write to share. We write to offer you content about your favourite characters. We write to bring our and your ships to life. It takes you a fraction of second to leave a Kudos, ten seconds to one, two or a few minutes to leave a comment.

And here lies our problem: there’s no proper sharing if there’s no proper feedback. An author not getting comments is generally a sad author. If I didn’t get feedback I’d wonder what’s the point in keeping on writing. A comment makes a writer’s day, most of the time even motivates them to write more.

Another important thing thrandythefabulous and I noticed: why on Earth do so many readers don’t comment (even kudos) if the fic has been up for a little more than a week or two? Why? Your feedback is still welcomed and much appreciated.

We write for ourselves, but also we write for you. And sadly, many readers are being quite… ungrateful, when giving feedback is the least they can do to thank the people offering them stories for free.

So, before we get started on our little day, let’s talk about comments:

It doesn’t matter if other readers already said what you wanted to say, we’ll still love reading it again in your words.

It doesn’t matter the fic has been up for weeks or months or years; comments on those ones are unexpected and so, it makes them ever better.

It doesn’t matter if you don’t have much to say, we’ll be glad anyway.

Most authors leave the comment section open to people who don’t have an Archive of Our Own (AO3) account, which means you can still… comment! How amazing is that.

That brings us to our little Fanfiction Writers Appreciation Day.
The point of this day is simple; on August 21st, writers and readers alike would go on AO3 (or any fanfiction website really), on Tumblr, and leave a comment on their favourite fics (even the fics they enjoyed!) and/or send their authors a message about their works.

It doesn’t matter if you’ve already or never commented. It doesn’t matter if the author doesn’t know about this post. It doesn’t matter if the author already knows how much you love their work.

Just let writers know you love the fics they write for you, simple as that!

And well, don’t forget to keep leaving a Kudos and a comment in the future, and make writers happy!
 
Years ago I read these stories that I guess were technically fanfics. I can't remember what they were called, where I found them or how I found them. Basically they involved this organization that went into terrible fanfics and fixed the story.

The one I remember most was one where they went into this horrible Lord of the Rings fanfic to deal with the horrible Mary Sue character. I don't remember too many details just the Mary Sue was in love with Legolas and he fell in love with her so she traveled with the Fellowship. They went in to capture or kill her, I forget which, and make sure nothing interfered with the story playing out.

I still think it's a pretty funny idea for stories.
 
There was this pretty disturbing Harry Potter fapfic that I stumbled across as a young Turd... Hagrid x Hedwig broke me.

Below is an excerpt. Godspeed.

Her lover was fucking himself... with her present.

This just in... there are multiple versions of this... written by different people. I need to sit down.

Hedwig tried her hardest to control her moans, but with Hagrid looking deeply into her eyes and tracing his way down to her entrance with his hot tongue, yet another embarrassed "hoo" escaped her beak.
 
Bigguy28 said:
Years ago I read these stories that I guess were technically fanfics. I can't remember what they were called, where I found them or how I found them. Basically they involved this organization that went into terrible fanfics and fixed the story.

The one I remember most was one where they went into this horrible Lord of the Rings fanfic to deal with the horrible Mary Sue character. I don't remember too many details just the Mary Sue was in love with Legolas and he fell in love with her so she traveled with the Fellowship. They went in to capture or kill her, I forget which, and make sure nothing interfered with the story playing out.

I still think it's a pretty funny idea for stories.
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Protectors of the Plot Continuum might be what you're thinking about. I've always taken those as something to chuckle at.
 
IceGray said:
Protectors of the Plot Continuum might be what you're thinking about. I've always taken those as something to chuckle at.
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Yeah, I used to read that, but then I realized it was mary sues killing other mary sues and acting vindicated the whole time. I might check it again for a laugh or to, but I tend to read my fanfic unedited now.
 
Dr W said:
Yeah, I used to read that, but then I realized it was mary sues killing other mary sues and acting vindicated the whole time. I might check it again for a laugh or to, but I tend to read my fanfic unedited now.
Click to expand...
The lesson is that Mary Sues are bad unless they're MY Mary sues.
 
I decided to go into the Crash Bandicoot fanfiction hellhole, in the hopes of finding some 10+ year old fanfics. Nothing is more hilarious than some old school fic. This Crash Bandicoot fic is obviously a parody, but not a particularly funny one. It's trying way too hard. It does have some choice lines for entertainment, however:
Crash is like, fucking captivated in this shit.

Seriously, Crash's belt from Titans is like, fucking hip as shit, yo.

trying to pull out his Bandicock.

it's not as easy as those fucking hentais make it out to be.

Seriously though, have you ever seen a Pomeranian fuck?
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Looking through what I've got thus far... I may be back soon.

EDIT: Fucking already. This is like one paragraph but what the fuck did I just read.
 
As others have probably already found out, one of the quickest and easiest ways to find bad fanfiction is to go to the "Cartoons" section, click any cartoon, particularly one geared for toddlers, and change the settings to only show M-rated fics.

I don't know if anyone has linked to this yet, but it's a doozy. It's also a very NSFW doozy.

http://www.fanfiction.net/s/8217897/1/Clifford-and-Cleo-More-than-Friends

The worst part is probably how Cleo shrinks back to her normal size after being impregnated. Yeah. Think long and hard on that for a bit.
 
heymate said:
As others have probably already found out, one of the quickest and easiest ways to find bad fanfiction is to go to the "Cartoons" section, click any cartoon, particularly one geared for toddlers, and change the settings to only show M-rated fics.
Click to expand...

The reviews on that story are pretty good though.

"Up until today, I did not know it was possible for a human being to contract this many types of cancer. I would attempt to save my own life with dangerous chemical therapy, but the pain I would experience would pale in comparison to the immense agony I put myself through to finish this pile of dog semen. Seriously, you should sell this story to the CIA for use at Guantanamo. Bet this shit will get those sand nigger fucks talking faster than anything the government has ever seen. I would tell you to hang yourself, but you would probably roleplay it as a dog collar and die happy, and we certainly can't have the author of this literary version of the Holocaust dying happy. In conclusion, you managed to make me look like that pinhead fuck from Hellraiser without me having to even get kemo; all of my hairs cringed off my body. However, I must thank you for introducing this story into my life, as it has given me the drive to finally shoot my school up and end my now-miserable existence."
 
Screen Shot 2017-08-24 at 4.05.20 PM.png

Poetry.

Simpsons circumcision sperging:
https://www.fanfiction.net/s/11098626/1/A-Wish
Screen Shot 2017-08-24 at 4.08.35 PM.png
 
A post in the shippers thread made me think of it, but I just have to say it's really unsettling there are rape fics being labeled under romance or as a way to claim it's a pairing when it's far from it--and then they make an excuse that despite it being rape, they were starting to enjoy it, so it's a-okay. I don't have examples not from the Pokémon fandom, so I'm sure there's waaaay worse out there (I still think the infamous "The Pokémon Story" in which the self-insert brutally rapes his Gardevoir and then has brutal sex with a Nurse Joy later is one of the worst the Pokémon fandom had to offer), and the stories are long gone from the Internet anyway.

I have no idea how I found this one fic called "Mewtwo Snaps", it was probably on a site that no longer exists, but it involved Mewtwo raping Mew simply because he had a raging hate boner for her (Mew was female in this fic) and had to let out his frustration since fighting wasn't doing it for him or something. I have a vague memory of the author's note stating they didn't really care for or liked the pairing and/or Mew, so I'm honestly surprised the author just didn't have him fuck her until she was nothing but mush. Only still remember this because the description of his semen being purple scarred me for life, and none of Mew's dialogue was "translated", so there were multiple sentences of nothing but "Mew mew mew mew".

I've mentioned this before, but didn't bother explaining it because what the fuck was I supposed to say about it. It was called "Mewtwo's Desire" in which he psychically bound/controlled and raped Misty simply because she was the only one who could (successfully?) carry his children and continue on his legacy--though he claims it was so he could achieve immortality or some shit. It was made even worse because Misty was still underage, and there were apparently plans for a sequel, but it didn't happened because either the author went into the military and got too busy, or FFN took it down (or both). This one still exists in video form as it was one of the last stories the Fan Fic Critic took a look at before her indefinite "hiatus".

 
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Arthur opened the box and inside there was a rubber pig nose, an old
bottle of cooking oil and a sheet of paper which had the rules on it.
They were written in a hard to read cursive that Brain had to make out.

“Let’s see, the game is called Swift Sausage,” said Brain.
“Does it have rules?” said Arthur.

“Hold on,” said Brain, “The rules are, this game is to be played only by
boys on an open space, preferably muddy, and is to be played naked.
One of the players is the pig who wears the pig nose provided and is
greased with oil or lard.”
“So we have to take our clothes off to play it?” asked Buster.

Yeah, I think I’m starting to see why my grandpa didn’t want us to know
about this,” said Arthur.

“Don’t worry Arthur, it will be just like our sleepover last month,
without George,” said Buster.

“I wasn’t saying I was afraid to play it. I know an abandoned farm a
few acres from here, why don’t we run out that way and play it,” said
Arthur, “the irrigation ditch runs through there so we can take buckets
to make mud.”

“Great,” said Buster, “let’s do that.”

Arthur showed his friends where the old farm was. The three boys took
an hour to make dirt muddy enough to play the game and Brain continued
with the rules.
“So it says here, to start, one of the boys must be made the pig. To
decide who the pig is, one boy at a time removes their shoes and socks
and the other players must smell that boy’s feet for twenty two seconds.
After each boy has had his feet smelled by the other players, everyone
points fingers at the boy they think has the smelliest feet. This boy
is declared the pig and puts on the pig nose.”

“Sounds to me like your grandpa had a foot odor problem,” said Buster,
remembering what was said at dinner on their first night there.

“Well I can assure you that it doesn’t run in the family,” said Arthur
who decides to be the first to volunteer. He sits down and takes off
his shoes and socks and offers each foot to Buster and Brain, who take
their noses to Arthur’s toes and Arthur counts to twenty two according
to the rules. Afterward, Buster takes off his shoes and socks and
Arthur and Brain smell his feet the same way. Finally, Brain’s feet are
smelled. The boys all stand up and at the count of three they point
their fingers. Buster and Brain point to Arthur while the aardvark boy
points to Buster.

“Uh oh, I guess it does run in the family,” said Arthur.

The game was ready to start, the boys strip themselves of the rest of
their clothes and Arthur puts on the pig nose. Brain continues with the
rules.
“Okay now we are supposed to spread cooking oil or lard all over the
pig,” he read. The boys brought a fresh bottle of oil that they bought
in town since the other bottle wasn’t any good. They greased up Arthur
from head to toe, making his body shiny at it reflected the sunlight.

“And now the game begins,” said Brain, “Arthur, you’re supposed to run
from Buster and I and we are supposed to catch you, we have to say in
bounds of the mud at all times.”

“When you catch me, then what?” asked Arthur.
“It says, oh boy,” said Brain.
“What Brain?” asked Arthur.
“We are supposed to hold you down and suck your penis for twelve seconds
while you try to get free, if we do that, we win,” said Brain.

“But how do I win?” asked Arthur.

“You win if you strike us out, every time you break free you give us a
strike and a player with three strikes is out,” said Brain.
“Now I really see why my grandpa didn’t want us to play this, it’s an
oral sex fight,” said Arthur.

“Well the rules are rules, and I think I know what they mean by sausage
now,” said Buster, “you look like a very tasty one.”

“Well, let’s get into position,” said Arthur, “at the count of three we
start, ready? One, two, THREE!”

Arthur dashes off from his friends and Buster and Brain start chasing
after him. With the mud acting as the boundary line, Arthur knew his
best bet was to stay away from the sides as much as possible. The first
to go for the capture was Buster, but Arthur’s greasy body skirted away
before Buster could suck him, (this didn’t count for a strike because
the penis was not in his mouth). He ran himself into a corner where
Brain was easily able to pin him down with his larger athletic body, and
went for a suck of his penis. Buster, who was on the side started
counting to twelve and got up to five when Arthur broke free.

“Strike one Brain,” said Arthur.

Arthur avoided Buster who jumped in front of him, but then slipped in
the mud. Buster took advantage and pinned him down and sucked his now
hardened penis in his mouth. Brain counted as Arthur tried to squirm
away, and with the sound of a pop he escaped Buster’s mouth after a
longer suck at eight seconds, but under twelve so it was a strike.
Brain again tried to corner Arthur, but the aardvark called the bluff
and skirted away on the edge of the mud not mindful of Buster who came
in on him from the side and sucked away. This time it was a suck of ten
seconds, still short. Arthur broke free again giving Buster two
strikes, Brain still had one.

The game however proved to be exhausting for Arthur who had been running
around the mud with a hard penis and trying to stay off the sides, he
soon finds himself between Buster and Brain. Arthur makes a getaway but
is soon trapped at the edge by Brain who was ready for any movement.
With Arthur out of energy, Brain takes him down with ease and sucks him,
and reached the twelve second mark.

“Twelve, you win Brain,” said Buster. Brain let go of Arthur, but the
aardvark boy was not ready to end his fun.

“Don’t stop Brain,” said Arthur.

“Why? The game’s over,” said Brain.
“But it feels too good for you to quit now,” said Arthur, “I think
that’s what makes the game harder for me than I thought.”

“Okay Arthur, I have to admit you are a tasty sausage,” said Brain and
he decided to keep sucking Arthur’s penis simply out of request.

“I guess it’s harder not to be either the pig or the winner,” said
Buster, “cause here I am by myself while you both have fun.”

“If it cheers you up Buster, you can suck on my penis,” said Brain.

“Thanks Brain,” said Buster who drops into the mud and starts sucking on
Brain. The thick slimy mud around them enhanced their sexual embrace
and made the taste of their penises dirty. Having been sucked on the
longest, Arthur ended up letting go first into Brain. The taste of
semen and dirt was strong in his mouth. After a couple of breaths
Arthur took off the pig nose and then moved over to Buster.

“Suck me Arthur, suck me,” said Buster. Arthur took all of Buster’s
penis in his mouth and started moving his tongue all along his
underside, making the rabbit boy feel great. Brain on the other side
was stimulated by the way Buster’s front teeth kept pressure on his
penis as it was licked by him. Soon enough Brain squirted into Buster’s
mouth, and seconds later Buster gave a warm, creamy drink to Arthur.

“Oh man, George doesn’t know what he’s missing,” said Buster.

“I hate to say it, but I’m glad that DW didn’t come,” said Arthur, “we
would never have gotten away with this.”

“I don’t know Arthur,” said Brain, “the problem now is that we’re all
muddy. We can’t put our clothes on like this.”

“No big deal, we’ll just wash off in the irrigation ditch,” said Arthur.

The three boys get out of the mud and go clean themselves off in the
ditch the best they could. Leaving the box and the pig nose behind,
they return to the farm, where Grandpa Dave with a bucket of paint in
his hand was there to greet them.

“Hello boys, what have you been up to all day?” he asked.
“Oh, I was just showing them some things I found around the area,” said
Arthur.

As the three boys went to the door of the house, Dave saw dirt behind
Arthur’s ears, “It looks to me like you boys got dirty, whatever you
did.”

“Oh, well we we’re at the swimming hole earlier but never a chance to
wash off,” said Arthur, “we were just going to do that.”

“Fine by me,” said Dave, “put some clean clothes on too, we’ve been
invited to a barbecue tonight. I’m still painting a fence for one of my
pals so I’ll see you in a couple hours.”
“Mmmm, a barbecue, I can’t wait,” said Buster.
“Come on guys, we better wash up,” said Arthur, “but I have to say, I
can’t wait for the barbecue either. Both of you wait in the bathroom
while I get something.”

Arthur went into the kitchen and took a spare bottle of barbecue sauce
and a wooden spoon. He met his friends in the bathroom.
“Well, what are you waiting for?” he asked.
“You,” said Brain and Buster.
“That’s not what I meant, I thought you would already be out of your
clothes,” said Arthur, “well come on, while we still have a couple hours
to ourselves, let’s make the most of it.” The three boys take off
their clothes and Arthur turns on the shower. They get into the shower
together and they take turns washing each other off, one on the back
side and the other on the front side. The leftover mud from the
abandoned farm turned the water brown as it drained away with the soap
suds. At the end of their shower, the three of them got out and dried
off.
“So guys, ready for a barbecue?” asked Arthur.

“It’s still a long while yet isn’t it?” asked Brain.

“Not that one, this one,” said Arthur as he pulled the bottle of
barbecue sauce and the wooden spoon out of hiding behind the toilet.
“What are those for?” asked Brain.

“A couple of things that I like to call Brain roast, and bunny roast,”
said Arthur.

“You’re not really going to cook us are you?” asked Buster.

“Of course not, I’m just playing,” said Arthur, “first of all I need to
prepare the ingredients, both of you get into the tub and stick your
butts in the air.” Buster and Brain follow Arthur’s command. “Now in
order to eat meat, I need to have it cleaned and tenderized.”

The first thing Arthur does is wet some toilet paper and wipe their butt
cracks, causing his friends to laugh and become red in the face. This
is followed by a cold shower at full blast. Then, Arthur takes the
wooden spoon and lightly beats Buster and Brain’s bottoms with it,
controlling his force as to not hurt his friends.

“My own best friend, the Binky Barnes of gay sex,” said Buster jokingly.

After about a minute of the spoon, Arthur gives each butt a massage and
then he applies the barbecue sauce to their butt cheeks using a camel
brush to spread it around. Once their butts were well covered in sauce
Arthur said a mock grace, “Thank you my friends for this bounty of
fleshy behinds, and now I shall eat like a king!”

In no time, Arthur dove his face into his friend’s butts. He took his
time slobbering and sucking on every part of Buster and Brain’s butt
cheeks, licking off the barbecue sauce in the process.

Buster and Brain
found themselves becoming pleasured in spite of their slight
embarrassment by it, yet it was fair enough as Arthur seemed bent on
revenge for having to be the pig in the game they played earlier. By
the time Arthur licked the last of the sauce off, he swallowed air and
made a loud burp, “that was filling.”

“I don’t think you had enough Arthur, would you like to have some
cocktail weenies?” asked Brain.

Arthur who was sitting on the ground looked up as his friends stood up
and stuck their erect penises in his face. “Mmm, I love cocktail
weenies,” he said as he starts pouring the barbecue sauce over their
erect members. He then sucks each penis a few seconds at a time,
causing Buster and Brain to become tense. After the barbecue sauce was
gone from their wieners Arthur said, “Now I better wash this down with
milk.” He took each penis into his hand and jacked on them. The
pleasure eventually caused Buster and Brain to release their juice at
the same time, their streams hitting Arthur’s tongue which he stuck out.

“Thanks guys, that was delicious,” said Arthur.

“Don’t mention it,” said Buster.
“But Arthur, can’t we have something to eat too?” asked Brain.

“Fair enough,” said Arthur who traded places with his friends in the
bathtub. With the time getting short, Buster and Brain decided to
harden Arthur with a couple licks of their tongues and then after
pouring on the sauce they begin sharing Arthur’s penis, licking their
tongues on the given sides of him. Arthur became tense of the tingling
sensation of the underside of his penis meeting the tongues of his
friends. Finally the pressure gave off and Arthur squirted his warm goo
onto the tongues of his friends who both lapped it up.

“Yum, that was a tasty barbecue we had,” said Buster.

“But we need to clean up again, especially since Arthur’s grandpa will
be back soon,” said Brain.

“Right, we’d better hurry,” said Arthur. The boys take one more shower
and quickly dry off. Arthur dashed to the kitchen to put the barbecue
sauce and spoon away as Buster and Brain cleaned off any trace of their
barbecue sex game. As the boys put their clothes back on, Grandpa Dave
called from the door.

“Boys it’s time to go so come hop into the back of my truck. This old
friend of mine isn’t the kind that likes to wait,” yelled Dave.

“Coming Grandpa,” yelled Arthur as the three of them rushed out of their
bedroom and out the door. Dave was in the driver’s seat as they hopped
into the bed of the truck, which Dave didn’t mind since they were only
going a short distance. Upon arrival, one of Dave’s friends was quick
to point out something wrong.

“I see your grandson and his friends are trying out the barefoot farm
boy look,” he said. Arthur, Buster, and Brain looked down at their
feet, realizing they forgot to put their shoes and socks on.

“Well, it’s nothing intentional, we just had showers,” said Arthur.

“No problem, not only are we eating we’re also having a square dance,”
said another pal of Dave, “some of us would say you have the right shoes
for it.”
Everyone has a laugh, “Come on boys, let’s get something to eat,” said
Dave and they all proceed to the backyard.
 
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