I met a cute woman recently and we talked briefly about a shared interest. During the discussion, she complimented a ring I wear (an ancestor's ring, not a wedding ring). Thing is very few people I interact with acknowledge it, and even fewer strangers. Is it normal for a woman to comment on something men wear?
I've seen like 80% of men just completely ignore what a woman is saying like they think can't decide or think for themselves and I have never once bought into the bullshit that they like that at all.
Besides just treating them like a human being and actually talking to them; Do you have any examples listening that showcase it really well? I can't PL
I might be misunderstanding, but are you asking what a man can do to actively listen? If so, I would say it's the same as anyone. He should respond with his own thoughts or relevant questions, and even disagreement when appropriate. It makes a man look confident, mature, and stable if he's able to disagree with someone without implying they're less intelligent (even if they are). Most men I know irl (at this point in my life) are mature people who are actually interested in others and not just themselves. That makes them more likely to be curious about my thoughts instead of expecting me to echo their own, and it helps them argue in constructive ways.
That stuff about not listening to anything women say because we don't know what we want* is just a bs excuse. People say that because they want someone to stroke their ego and mindlessly agree with them, and they get mad when you refuse. If that's not what a man is after, he has a pretty low risk of coming across that way.
*Ngl I do change my mind a lot and my husband teases me about it. But he does the same thing, and I compare him to a cat who doesn't know if it wants to be outside or inside.
I've seen like 80% of men just completely ignore what a woman is saying like they think can't decide or think for themselves and I have never once bought into the bullshit that they like that at all.
Besides just treating them like a human being and actually talking to them; Do you have any examples listening that showcase it really well? I can't PL
Let's be clear here, I only get interested if the conversation and opinions aren't dumb. That is the case for both men and women, whether friends or romantic interests. I can only speak for myself, but if I'm dating, I'm going to meet and attempt to converse with more female strangers than male strangers because I'm straight. I'm only friends with men (and women) who I already respect the opinions of, I don't tend to make friends with idiots unless they're really pleasant company (though some are). So I'm going to be exposed to more tedious women with stupid opinions than similar men simply by way of my sexual orientation. I think it's possible to end up with the false impression that women have more shallow, idiotic opinions than men by way of sample bias.
Bear in mind I'm a literal autist. I think that's why I have trouble getting into headspace of the way women need to defend themselves against men in various ways. I can't understand the mindset of a man who would assault or rape a women, so I think on occasion I've been guilty of assuming that it doesn't happen as a result. I've literally only once seen a woman being sexually harassed in public (by a paralytically drunk Russian man on the London Underground), I wouldn't do such a thing because, well, what do I have to gain by doing such a thing? It won't get me laid or impress anyone after all. My friends aren't the kinds of men who would do that either so it's hard to imagine that it happens very often (though I accept it does). I wasn't diagnosed until later in life either, so I didn't know that my ways of thinking were different to most other people. It still baffles me why someone would behave that way, but I have long understood that I won't always understand the normie mind, no matter how much I study psychology.
I suppose I can pose this question to all of KF but I'm more interested in the female perspective as I'm not one so I'll drop it in this thread.
I've been meeting new people around the big city and going on dates as a young adult and have realized from both good and bad experiences that passion means a lot to me. I need my future partner to have strong opinions, to love and hate shit and be able to express it, and/or be able to sperg about the shit they love whenever they are given the chance to or else it's a deal-breaker for me. I just can't see myself with a go-with-the-flow person who doesn't hold much strong opinions and doesn't express much emotion. While I understand that this may be somewhat related to wanting your future partner to have their own personality, is the need for passion from your partner ubiquitous enough to be considered a standard or is it more of a preference? Do most of you prefer to date someone who has things they care about or is it a requirement?
It's always been a requirement for me. Blandness or shallowness are uninteresting to me. But I will also add that that has led to some poor choices. So I guess I'd say make sure they are also stable and that their passion can expand to include you. And that their passions are things you respect, and vice-versa.
I want to talk about the things that I'm passionate about, but what I don't want is a passive sounding board. I'd rather be passionately disagreed with than shrugged at. I dated that woman for five years and I can't think of a single opinion on any topic that she expressed with any degree of force, even mundane things like what to have for dinner. I felt that I was doing the thinking for two people and eventually that was the main reason why I broke up with her. I felt so alone, even though we lived together.
I once asked a guy I was unaccountably serious about if he had any actual hobbies, loves. Nope. I mean, he liked (liked, not loved) golf and kept Hannity on as background noise, but that was the extent of his outward interests - and he didn't even have his own or original political views. He had zero to add to things I'm passionate about, was uninquisitive for himself, and never had anything really interesting to say. Mid. I wish I could tell you that I ended it then and there. But I was trying to correct from picking overly "interesting," passionate people and so apparently) lost my damn mind trying to accept someone more boring.
For the foids, then: is it just a cultural thing whereby women (even after all these waves of feminism etc.) feel under pressure to be seen and not heard, or do women, in general, not consider having or expressing strong opinions about things to be an important aspect of who they are?
Cannot speak for anyone else , but this is anathema to me. And it has never occurred to me to think of what you describe as a "woman thing." Men have at least equal claim to being dullards or lackeys.
No. Of course everyone knows and acknowledges that certain people have stronger silhouettes than others, but most grown women do not idealize or obsessively resent successful (in whatever realm) people.
i dunno how serious you are, but modern fanciness in a normal setting kind of caps out at "able to play golf at country club". ie polo, dress/golf slacks, anything-but-flip-flops. anything above that nowadays makes you a target for theft and sticks out, and not explicitly in a good way, in a "don't belong here/not one of us". if you go to a bar in something like that, you'd get thieves' potential attention, girls would either nearly exclusively gold dig or think you're city shit, and guys would think you're trying to flex and potentially check you/beat tf out of you. besides like dress code tier shit.
if you were in higher tier shit i'd throw the images in the trash, if you want a suit similar, i'd look at general butler images/outfits and tweak them to not be explicitly "im a butler". probably no hat with one like that imo. twirly mustache is compromised, i'd go five o clock, well groomed pencil stache, groomed mustache, or kind-of shaved. or just chuck most of that in the trash too, and do a look similar to the era of like bioshock 1's andrew ryan, particularly the talking image with a fedora (not trilby). in most environments though you'd stand out less while still looking good dressed down quite a bit, which leads back again, to at max, "can play golf at country club" variant outfits.
"fake it til you make it" goes well though if you have minimal ideas. like google tom hardy, and basically anything he wears (besides venom) is solid. if you must have dressy stuff that's classic, for best bet i'd always stick to shit exclusively that looks like a member of the mob, or like cole phelps from la noire potentially. the average joe should just polo, slacks/shorts, closed shoes type shit
its normal in the sense that it happens. Chicks have eyes
its also something to take into account because she was complimenting you. Complimenting can be flirting. It also doesn't have to be.
Either she's very polite, she liked the ring genuinely or she liked the ring AND you and wanted it to be known.
For the foids, then: is it just a cultural thing whereby women (even after all these waves of feminism etc.) feel under pressure to be seen and not heard, or do women, in general, not consider having or expressing strong opinions about things to be an important aspect of who they are?
I feel like this about waking up post-Kiwifarms usage. I've lost at least two close friends who decided I was a bigot now and couldn't be around me anymore, and for years even when I was more liberal/mainstream people were alienated when I had strong political opinions/beliefs. It feels like people don't like it when you talk about things that matter, which I get when it comes to small talk or acquaintances, coworkers, whatever, but when it feels like you can't even talk to your best friend or partner or family about the things that weigh on your heart, it's maddening. I do what I can to be pleasant and bubbly at work and in public, always making jokes and references and listening to people. On the inside though, I've gotten really withdrawn and feel like nobody understands me or is willing to try to. I joked with my mom the other day that I'm one bad day away from losing my mind and escaping into the woods, but I think the more likely reality is I'll lay in bed and never get out. idk if this is cultural or if I'm just broken, but there's your dose of Chromeo brand traumadumping
its also something to take into account because she was complimenting you. Complimenting can be flirting. It also doesn't have to be.
Either she's very polite, she liked the ring genuinely or she liked the ring AND you and wanted it to be known.
In my experience, if a woman takes an interest in your hands, especially during a date, then she's into you. I have a funny-shaped scar on one of my hands and I bring it up in the conversation. 100% of the time, if she touches it, it has always led to another date or even more.
I know that sounds like red pill bullshit but I swear it's true.
Agree!
still, a ring is WAYYY different and waaaay less intimate than a scar or the hand itself in my opinion.
OP says that "he met a cute girl and they talked about interests". Doesn't automatically sound like a date; I can see her genuinely being curious about the ring, using it as an ice breaker, or just wondering if he's into jewelery or married or what the deal is.
Women are socially taught to diffuse conflict; many women will be appeasing, engage in small talk, etc to avoid awkwardness (perceived or otherwise). Obviously, maybe she's also interested and wants to get to know you. Depends on the situation and the individual.
I would be careful in confusing niceness with flirting, but either way it's not a crime to be interested in someone.
Im not saying this to get anybody's hopes down, just being realistic. It's better to be openminded and hopeful rather than to rush to a conclusion.
I hope OP gets his cute girl, but the question was too vague to tell. I'm sure if he talks to her again he'll be able to gauge the vibe
In my experience, if a woman takes an interest in your hands, especially during a date, then she's into you. I have a funny-shaped scar on one of my hands and I bring it up in the conversation. 100% of the time, if she touches it, it has always led to another date or even more.
Agree!
still, a ring is WAYYY different and waaaay less intimate than a scar or the hand itself in my opinion.
OP says that "he met a cute girl and they talked about interests". Doesn't automatically sound like a date; I can see her genuinely being curious about the ring, using it as an ice breaker, or just wondering if he's into jewelery or married or what the deal is.
Women are socially taught to diffuse conflict; many women will be appeasing, engage in small talk, etc to avoid awkwardness (perceived or otherwise). Obviously, maybe she's also interested and wants to get to know you. Depends on the situation and the individual.
I would be careful in confusing niceness with flirting, but either way it's not a crime to be interested in someone.
Im not saying this to get anybody's hopes down, just being realistic. It's better to be openminded and hopeful rather than rush to a conclusion.
I hope OP gets his cute girl, but the question was too vague to tell. I'm sure if he talks to her again he'll be able to gauge the vibe
A little context without powerleveling. She works at a lunch spot that's popular with my coworkers. I went there a couple weeks ago with some people and complimented a pin in her hat, and then last week I struck up conversation about it since I went by myself. I'll be going back this week (also helps the lunch is both decent and not overpriced...win win!)
You're definitely right about using caution with confusing niceness for interest. I've fallen into that trap many times when I was younger, and it always ended in disaster.
I won't shit up the thread with every single update or ask for explanation on every little thing she does ("What did she mean when her left nostril flaired when she sneezed?") but I'll update if anything big happens.
Thanks for the well wishes, @pork and beans , and thank you @Spunt for your insight as well.
Never thought I'd be going to KF of all places for this bullshit, but here goes. Maybe foids will have some wisdom:
Think I'm okay for early-30s. Good job making six figures. Face is good. Fit. But unfortunately short (5'3") with esoteric interests which make dating a challenge. I really don't want much other than a loving partner and a family some day. Not a lot of successful relationships.
Met a girl on an app. I don't know what to think.
-Generally a very kind person. I get the sense she cares for people around her. Doesn't seem the type to abandon someone when they're down. Goes out of the way to make big gestures for family and friends.
-Generally intelligent and good chemistry. I like spending time with her. We do share interests
-She is into me in a way that might cloud my judgment. Getting paragraphs of text multiple times a day. Flattering but overwhelming. Never had anyone express this degree of interest.
-She is also to the point of being suicidal empathetic. Works as a school therapist with blacks and doesn't like the idea of reporting their wrong-doing under the idea they're acting out due to systemic oppression. I hate this. Maybe I can agree to disagree.
-"used to be poly-amorous but now wants monogamy" though her best friend is a fat guy who "is also poly-amorous but they never had sex but sometimes they are each other's plus one"
-She's overweight and I don't find that physically attractive.
I have a gut feeling something is off about this. It may be because I'm not used to flattering amounts of romantic attention. I don't know if I'm throwing away someone who is otherwise kind and lovely over a slight political disagreement, or if my concerns have some merit. I figure with my height not being an attractive feature, well, gotta take what you can get.
There's a Spanish saying that goes "Better to be alone than badly accompanied".
It's true that nobody is perfect, and you will have to come to terms with the flaws of whoever you end up with. But it seems that what you dislike about her are pretty big aspects of her current character. Maybe she loses weight and becomes more securely attached in the future (thats a big maybe), but her job probably means a lot to her.
I don't know about you but I could not bear being with someone whose job/career I don't admire. I also would not like someone changing their whole life for me, thats a total lack of backbone.
I think respect and admiration is one of the most important things to have in a relationship. Otherwise it's easy to be annoyed, petty, dissapointed, resentful. Or just plain bored.
A relationship is not something to settle on.
In my opinion, it's not an investment either. We all have highs and lows, but if you aren't fundamentally attracted(physically, emotionally, intellectually) to the other person, it's never gonna work.
Break her heart fast and get it over with. You will never overcome this and it will destroy her feelings if you lead her on and then later break up with her because you couldn't.
rather than to rush to a conclusion
.
