The Quest for... Win?: White-Kettle Shufflepunk Reads Harry Potter

[Pargon]

White-Kettle Shufflepunk's Book Club?

white-kettle shufflepunk’s book boil

 

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

This is what happens when the first thread I did had a Superman: The Quest for Peace joke in the title, and I felt obligated to be somewhat consistent. I do plan on doing more threads about important, non shit books (stay tuned for The Chronicles of Narnia) and I should really figure out a name for those. White-Kettle Shufflepunk's Book Club?

White-Kettle Shufflepunk's Victory Lap

 

[Jacknife]

As they passed the Durmstrang ship moored in the lake, they saw Viktor Krum emerge onto the deck, dressed in nothing but swimming trunks. He was very skinny indeed, but apparently a lot tougher than he looked

Sounds really different from how he was portrayed in the movies, but the book depiction is way more fitting since he is supposed to be a seeker.

I think it was really important to the director that Krum mogs Ron even though there is no indication of that

 

[Replacement Account]

And Hagrid isn't even a good wizard

He was able to wordlessly transfigure a pig tail onto Dudley in book one- with a broken wand even. Transfiguring people has been shown in the books to be a higher level of the curriculum than Hagrid should have passed.

He probably just pretends to be bad at magic just so he can fight monsters with his bare hands, just like his giants blood would want him to.

 

[IridiumDragon06]

I think women do a lot of stupid shit more out of intrasexual competition than actually to please men (buccal fat reduction anyone?), but I've seen enough guys be shocked and appalled Sofia Vergara has pores that I can't fault Rowling for reminding any boys reading that girls put a lot of effort into their appearance. Also, I bet Sleekeazy just buys expensive Muggle shampoo and condition and sells it at a markup.

Endorsed, but I also wonder the path dependence for Hermione getting that shampoo. As has been noted before, she should be poorer than Ron in wizard dollars, and while I can see her having saved up and purchased it from the sum of her random scrounging for the past few books and just never had a reason to use it until now, it still feels off to me.

Not a great comparison. Werewolves are human beings afflicted by a curse that strikes once a month. Giants are a whole other breed of sentient being. Of course, it's very in character for Hermione to assign human values to things that are not.

This could go to fun places; I wonder if Year 4+ Hermione would correct Hagrid on the violent and prideful nature of hippogriffs, because how dare he be prejudiced against them for...

...Shit, I think I accidentally'd a pitbull joke about the woke white woman.

But yes, the "All characters most only and ever be the groups in our personal ethnic and sexual passion play, and can never be legitimately nonhuman with nonhuman senses, reasoning, and motivations." is one of the things I hate most about current-year. Hell, I could put up with crappy Little Mermaid fanfic if it were more willing to engage with how pissing off your father Triton would actually be far worse than just pissing off the readers imagined abusive dad.

And Hagrid isn't even a good wizard. Also, worth noting, the wiki says that manticores are sapient. So, that's horrifying. This feels like one of those cases where the books' tonal issues arise. Goblet of Fire is moving in a darker direction, but it's still probably about sixty percent children's book, so Rowling treats Hagrid spitting in God's face as silly folly rather than a crime against nature.

First, I remind you that these words are coming out of the mouth of a journalist, and I remind you again from my comment on turbo-racism that I do not use terms like 'presstitute' or 'urinalist' because they insult whores and piss, and if any part of this is correct, it's entirely by accident.
Second, if manticores are sapient and also think that eating humans is a great idea, then I'm going to be more impressed with the logistics of getting them to successfully impregnate crabs than I am horrified of the implications.

And third, given the cultural milieus that manticores are from, Hagrid probably just needed to dress up the crabs in skimpy clothing and let nature take its course. Or hell, maybe he paid a sentient manticore stud to fuck crabs. We don't know! We probably shouldn't know, actually!

Do we think that's true or Rita enhancing the truth a little?

Again, journalist. Which is frustrating, because it is fun to speculate and build connections based on that limited info the author reveals and see how they pan out in the wider work, but I do legitimately feel like Rita Skinner is intended to be an anti-source for whom the correct response is to simply disengage with her words rather than work out what bits of what she said were maybe, arguably true-ish.

Transfiguring people has been shown in the books to be a higher level of the curriculum than Hagrid should have passed.

Is that because it's hard to do, or because it's hard to do safely? The impression I got was that this was just one of those first-year turn a mouce into a teacup bits, but done wildly irresponsibly, because fuck that kid for what his father said about Dumbledore.

 

[Gentlebastard]

And he definitely didn't go from a regular kid to an absolute unit when he was sixteen like he was Luther Strode

Goddamnit, this just reminded me that I never really finished reading the trilogy. I remember being halfway through the second part when my laptop shat itself and the collection I had been building for years was lost. Is it worth the (admittedly minimal) effort?

she's one of the few modern spec fic authors to have the guts to treat nonhumans as, well, nonhumans

It is interesting to see other races and cultures being treated as alien instead of different flavors of human, with clashing and even incompatible values. Goblins don't see property the same as humans or have the same skills/capabilities (wandmaking and magic use, for instance), centaurs are prideful fatalists with an isolationist streak, and giants are naturally dim and violent/aggressive with a "might makes right" culture, instead of being, respectively, small ugly human, horse-shaped human, and very big human.

Fun fact, when I was a kid, I assumed "Lethbridge" was a rank in the British Army.

Perfectly justifiable. So many armed forces around the world have ranks that are ceremonial or honorary, or exist just as grades within the same rank; thinking the Brits might have a granular Lieutenant ranking due to some ancient political quarrel comes naturally.

I assume there's a domesticated herd of them somewhere.

From reading HBP, I assumed wandmakers would have an easier time keeping an eye out for them during foraging excursions, or buying from gamekeepers and such, as Hagrid had a bundle of unicorn hairs rolling around in his cottage during Aragog's funeral. Then I remembered Olivanders mentions almost having his head kicked in by a unicorn when gathering materials, so he's either some kind of crazy traditionalist or the hair has to come from wild animals.

I wonder if Rowling has disregarded the thing about virginity

It is a book about (mostly) early teenagers, for (mostly) teenagers. It's probably not good form to inform the reader of who lost their virginity behind the greenhouse shed.

Someone should do a fanfic where Hagrid is the evil mastermind and Dumbledore his mere pawn.

Harry Potter and The Newly Founded Hogwarts Institute of Magical Beast Studies and Dragon Sanctuary

...Crabbe definitely got it to suck his dick, didn't he?

Teenage boys gonna teenage boy. Ours have vacuum cleaners, they've got flobberworms; there's no balance to be weighed, as both are terrible ideas.

 

[Honka Honka Burning Love]

I assume Ron and Hermione realised Harry doesn't have time for their couple drama.

Well it was pretty awkward between the 3 when Harry got annoyed at the drama enough to accidently use the Imperius curse while telling them "JUST FUCK ALREADY YOU RETARDS" in the Gryphondor Common Room.

 

[Greedy Fly]

As has been noted before, she should be poorer than Ron in wizard dollars, and while I can see her having saved up and purchased it from the sum of her random scrounging for the past few books and just never had a reason to use it until now, it still feels off to me.

She comes from a middle class family and seems to get enough money from her parents for school things or to buy herself a birthday present; the mugglebux can easily get exchanged for wizardbux at Gringotts. In the 7th book she mentions something about bringing her savings in that magical bag of holding but I don't know how much that was supposed to be.

Okay, I said earlier that Ron had every reason to not question Hagrid's ancestry too much, but what kind of remedial racist is Draco?

Maybe our actual takeaway is meant to be "wizard-raised children get into horrifically disfiguring magical accidents frequently enough that pureblood kids are raised to Be Polite and Not Mention It."

 

[Kornheiser]

I can’t wait till we reach on how incompetent the ministry of magic is and when the death eaters gain control of it. It’s a massive indictment on how poorly run the ministry of magic is even with different people.

 

[White-Kettle Shufflepunk]

I can’t wait till we reach on how incompetent the ministry of magic is and when the death eaters gain control of it. It’s a massive indictment on how poorly run the ministry of magic is even with different people.

Admittedly, putting Nazis in charge of things usually doesn’t help much.

“Ya, ya, all these loans are definitely for mineral research, don’t worry about it.”

 

[White-Kettle Shufflepunk]

(Just a note, since chapters in this book are often longer than in previous books, I've been splitting them up when I feel like it)

Ron said nothing. He hadn’t mentioned Viktor Krum since the ball, but Harry had found a miniature arm under his bed on Boxing Day, which had looked very much as though it had been snapped off a small model figure wearing Bulgarian Quidditch robes.

Either that or Ron has become a serial killer and a huge Anthony Ainley fan.

Harry kept his eyes skinned for a sign of Hagrid all the way down the slushy High Street, and suggested a visit to the Three Broomsticks once he had ascertained that Hagrid was not in any of the shops.

Hagrid doesn't do much dungeon crawling, so he probably doesn't have loads of hats and gloves to sell to the local potion supplies store.

“Doesn’t he ever go into the office?” Hermione whispered suddenly. “Look!”

She pointed into the mirror behind the bar, and Harry saw Ludo Bagman reflected there, sitting in a shadowy corner with a bunch of goblins. Bagman was talking very fast in a low voice to the goblins, all of whom had their arms crossed and were looking rather menacing.

Ah, Ludo Bagman is doing a main story mission. My sympathies.

It was indeed odd, Harry thought, that Bagman was here at the Three Broomsticks on a weekend when there was no Triwizard event, and therefore no judging to be done.

Harry is such a sweet summer child (amazing George R. R. Martin accidentally tricked people into thinking that was an old Southern aphorism when we don't live on a planet with years long summers) he assumes civil servants are all hardworking.

Upon spotting him, Bagman takes a break from probably having his legs broke to have a private word with Harry.

“Well, I just thought I’d congratulate you again on your splendid performance against that Horntail, Harry,” said Bagman. “Really superb.”

“Thanks,” said Harry, but he knew this couldn’t be all that Bagman wanted to say, because he could have congratulated Harry in front of Ron and Hermione. Bagman didn’t seem in any particular rush to spill the beans, though. Harry saw him glance into the mirror over the bar at the goblins, who were all watching him and Harry in silence through their dark, slanting eyes.

“Absolute nightmare,” said Bagman to Harry in an undertone, noticing Harry watching the goblins too. “Their English isn’t too good … it’s like being back with all the Bulgarians at the Quidditch World Cup … but at least they used sign language another human could recognize. This lot keep gabbling in Gobbledegook … and I only know one word of Gobbledegook. Bladvak. It means ‘pickax.’ I don’t like to use it in case they think I’m threatening them.”

I'm quite curious what goblin life looks like if it's possible for some to have so little interaction with humans (or, well, wizards) that they can't speak English. Eh, maybe they're goblins from abroad.

“What do they want?” Harry said, noticing how the goblins were still watching Bagman very closely.

“Er — well …” said Bagman, looking suddenly nervous. “They … er … they’re looking for Barry Crouch.”

“Why are they looking for him here?” said Harry. “He’s at the Ministry in London, isn’t he?”

Which probably explains why they're looking for Barty, who's in charge of international relations.

“Er … as a matter of fact, I’ve no idea where he is,” said Bagman. “He’s sort of … stopped coming to work. Been absent for a couple of weeks now. Young Percy, his assistant, says he’s ill. Apparently he’s just been sending instructions in by owl.

Imagine if this book had a subplot about Percy going nuts and pulling a Misery on his boss. Give it all the Hugos.

But would you mind not mentioning that to anyone, Harry? Because Rita Skeeter’s still poking around everywhere she can, and I’m willing to bet she’d work up Barty’s illness into something sinister. Probably say he’s gone missing like Bertha Jorkins.”

So naturally, you're telling a fourteen-year-old-boy, who supposedly opened up to Rita about crying himself to sleep every night.

“Have you heard anything about Bertha Jorkins?” Harry asked.

“No,” said Bagman, looking strained again. “I’ve got people looking, of course …” (About time, thought Harry)

The eventual true crime podcast is going to rake Bagman over the coals.

“and it’s all very strange. She definitely arrived in Albania, because she met her second cousin there. And then she left the cousin’s house to go south and see an aunt … and she seems to have vanished without trace en route. Blowed if I can see where she’s got to … she doesn’t seem the type to elope, for instance …

God, this really does sound like a true crime podcast. If I didn't know already that Voldemort killed Bertha, I'd assume we were about to try and exonerate some Muslim guy who obviously did it.

I really wanted to ask you” — he lowered his voice — “how are you getting on with your golden egg?”

“Er … not bad,” Harry said untruthfully.

This is giving me flashbacks to so many projects in high school.

“Listen, Harry,” he said (still in a very low voice), “I feel very bad about all this … you were thrown into this tournament, you didn’t volunteer for it… and if …” (his voice was so quiet now, Harry had to lean closer to listen) “if I can help at all … a prod in the right direction … I’ve taken a liking to you … the way you got past that dragon! … well, just say the word.”

Harry stared up into Bagman’s round, rosy face and his wide, baby-blue eyes.

“We’re supposed to work out the clues alone, aren’t we?” he said, careful to keep his voice casual and not sound as though he was accusing the head of the Department of Magical Games and Sports of breaking the rules.

I think Harry is less perturbed by that as he is the dawning realisation that Bagman is in fact a baby someone cast an Engorging Charm on.

“Well … well, yes,” said Bagman impatiently, “but — come on, Harry — we all want a Hogwarts victory, don’t we?”

“Have you offered Cedric help?” Harry said.

The smallest of frowns creased Bagman’s smooth face. “No, I haven’t,” he said. “I — well, like I say, I’ve taken a liking to you. Just thought I’d offer …”

I see three possibilities here:

1. Bagman is a good enough reader of men that he gets the feeling Cedric wouldn't accept help from a judge like this.
2. Bagman did offer Cedric help, and either Cedric declined, or he accepted and Bagman is trying to maximise Hogwarts' chances by playing them both.
3. Bagman thinks Harry would be a sexier victory.

“Well, thanks,” said Harry, “but I think I’m nearly there with the egg … couple more days should crack it.”

He wasn’t entirely sure why he was refusing Bagman’s help, except that Bagman was almost a stranger to him, and accepting his assistance would feel somehow much more like cheating than asking advice from Ron, Hermione, or Sirius.

Because it literally is. It really amuses me the Tournament seems to treat "getting inside info from one of the judges" and "getting advice from family and friends" as "cheating." It's like meeting someone who thinks both murder and tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention is violence, and is down for both.

Bagman looked almost affronted, but couldn’t say much more as Fred and George turned up at that point.

“Hello, Mr. Bagman,” said Fred brightly. “Can we buy you a drink?”

“Er … no,” said Bagman, with a last disappointed glance at Harry, “no, thank you, boys …”

I would not want to be in debt to Fred and George. That's how you come home to find your mistress dead in bed in full clown makeup.

“What did he want?” Ron said, the moment Harry had sat down.

“He offered to help me with the golden egg,” said Harry.

“He shouldn’t be doing that!” said Hermione, looking very shocked. “He’s one of the judges! And anyway, you’ve already worked it out — haven’t you?”

Harry: Who died and made you my mum?

Hermione: ...Your mum?

Ron: You know, one of the great tragedies of Lily's death is that me and Harry really can't do yo mama jokes.

Harry: I mean, even if my mum was alive, you'd probably break me in half for making them.

Ron: True.

Harry: Compromise, yo brother Percy and yo Aunt Petunia jokes.

Ron: Agreed.

“Those goblins didn’t look very friendly,” said Hermione, sipping her butterbeer. “What were they doing here?”

“Looking for Crouch, according to Bagman,” said Harry. “He’s still ill. Hasn’t been into work.”

“Maybe Percy’s poisoning him,” said Ron. “Probably thinks if Crouch snuffs it he’ll be made head of the Department of International Magical Cooperation.”

I hate it when the author is funnier than me on purpose.

Hermione gave Ron a don’t-joke-about-things-like-that look, and said, “Funny, goblins looking for Mr. Crouch. They’d normally deal with the Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures.”

I love that wizards are more nakedly condescending and rude than literal colonialists. This is up there with "Criminal Law Decree against the Polish People and the Jews in the Integrated Eastern Territories" for "We aren't even pretending we respect you."

“Crouch can speak loads of different languages, though,” said Harry. “Maybe they need an interpreter.”

“Worrying about poor ’ickle goblins, now, are you?” Ron asked Hermione. “Thinking of starting up S.P.U.G. or something? Society for the Protection of Ugly Goblins?”

“Ha, ha, ha,” said Hermione sarcastically. “Goblins don’t need protection. Haven’t you been listening to what Professor Binns has been telling us about goblin rebellions?”

“No,” said Harry and Ron together.

“Well, they’re quite capable of dealing with wizards,” said Hermione, taking another sip of butterbeer. “They’re very clever. They’re not like house-elves, who never stick up for themselves.”

You can tell Hermione is a superior class of Moral Busybody than your standard SJW because she can both talk about a minority group without infantilising them, and actively avoids creating an omnicause.

“Uh-oh,” said Ron, staring at the door.

Rita Skeeter had just entered. She was wearing banana-yellow robes today; her long nails were painted shocking pink, and she was accompanied by her paunchy photographer.

Do you think Colin Creevey would've grown up to be the Amazing Acromantula-Man?

“… didn’t seem very keen to talk to us, did he, Bozo? Now, why would that be, do you think? And what’s he doing with a pack of goblins in tow anyway? Showing them the sights … what nonsense … he was always a bad liar. Reckon something’s up? Think we should do a bit of digging? ‘Disgraced Ex-Head of Magical Games and Sports, Ludo Bagman …’ Snappy start to a sentence, Bozo — we just need to find a story to fit it —”

"Rita, I keep telling you, my name is--"

"I had it changed."

“Trying to ruin someone else’s life?” said Harry loudly.

People really do forget how confrontational Harry can be.

“Harry!” she said, beaming. “How lovely! Why don’t you come and join — ?”

“I wouldn’t come near you with a ten-foot broomstick,” said Harry furiously. “What did you do that to Hagrid for, eh?”

Rita Skeeter raised her heavily penciled eyebrows.

“Our readers have a right to the truth, Harry. I am merely doing my —”

“Who cares if he’s half-giant?” Harry shouted. “There’s nothing wrong with him!”

Hagrid: I appreciate tha' sentiment 'Arry, but maybe don't go shoutin' it so loud?

Rita Skeeter’s smile flickered very slightly, but she hitched it back almost at once; she snapped open her crocodile-skin handbag, pulled out her Quick-Quotes Quill, and said, “How about giving me an interview about the Hagrid you know, Harry? The man behind the muscles? Your unlikely friendship and the reasons behind it. Would you call him a father substitute?”

Hagrid feels like the last gasp of the "adult friend" in mainstream children's books. Characters like Hagrid used to be way more common. A good example might be Captain Haddock from Tintin or the Shaggy Man from the Oz books. The original Uncle Tom argurably also fit this mold. I'm guessing they mostly died out because authors don't want to be accused of normalising grooming behaviour, and in general, adult and child spaces feel a lot more stratified these days, even as the latter are slowly whittled away.

Hermione stood up very abruptly, her butterbeer clutched in her hand as though it were a grenade.

“You horrible woman,” she said, through gritted teeth, “you don’t care, do you, anything for a story, and anyone will do, won’t they? Even Ludo Bagman —”

"I could understand doxxing my good friend Hagrid, but Ludo Bagman? For shame!"

Sit down, you silly little girl, and don’t talk about things you don’t understand,” said Rita Skeeter coldly, her eyes hardening as they fell on Hermione. “I know things about Ludo Bagman that would make your hair curl … not that it needs it —” she added, eyeing Hermione’s bushy hair.

"Hey, Bozo, see how I zinged that fifteen year old?"

Ron suggests they leave:

“She’ll be after you next, Hermione,” said Ron in a low and worried voice as they walked quickly back up the street.

“Let her try!” said Hermione defiantly; she was shaking with rage. “I’ll show her! Silly little girl, am I? Oh, I’ll get her back for this. First Harry, then Hagrid …”

Normally that'd seem like a hollow threat, but two years ago this girl basically bullied her friends into drinking a shapeshifting potion she brewed in a toilet.

“You don’t want to go upsetting Rita Skeeter,” said Ron nervously. “I’m serious, Hermione, she’ll dig up something on you —”

“My parents don’t read the Daily Prophet. She can’t scare me into hiding!”

Wouldn't it be horrible if Rita somehow found out Hermione's parents were doing some shady tax stuff and dobbed them into the Muggle authorities? Or that she and the Creeveys have the same dad?

“And Hagrid isn’t hiding anymore! He should never have let that excuse for a human being upset him! Come on!”

I mean, righteous sentiment, but easier to say coming from a girl whose inhuman ancestors were dentists and not flesh-eating giants.

Breaking into a run, she led them all the way back up the road, through the gates flanked by winged boars, and up through the grounds to Hagrid’s cabin.

I feel like if you tried to run across the grounds in the films you'd pass out.

The curtains were still drawn, and they could hear Fang barking as they approached.

“Hagrid!” Hermione shouted, pounding on his front door. “Hagrid, that’s enough! We know you’re in there! Nobody cares if your mum was a giantess, Hagrid!

But they do, Hermione! They absolutely do!

The door opened. Hermione said, “About t — !” and then stopped, very suddenly, because she had found herself face-to-face, not with Hagrid, but with Albus Dumbledore.

“Good afternoon,” he said pleasantly, smiling down at them.

“We — er — we wanted to see Hagrid,” said Hermione in a rather small voice.

“Yes, I surmised as much,” said Dumbledore, his eyes twinkling. “Why don’t you come in?”

Shock twist, Hagrid is actually Dumbledore's bastard son.

Hagrid was sitting at his table, where there were two large mugs of tea. He looked a real mess. His face was blotchy, his eyes swollen, and he had gone to the other extreme where his hair was concerned; far from trying to make it behave, it now looked like a wig of tangled wire.

Imagine if Hagrid could make his beard come alive like Medusa from Inhumans.

There was a slight pause, and then Dumbledore said, “Did you by any chance hear what Miss Granger was shouting, Hagrid?”

Hermione went slightly pink, but Dumbledore smiled at her and continued, “Hermione, Harry, and Ron still seem to want to know you, judging by the way they were attempting to break down the door.”

“Of course we still want to know you!” Harry said, staring at Hagrid. “You don’t think anything that Skeeter cow — sorry, Professor,” he added quickly, looking at Dumbledore.

“I have gone temporarily deaf and haven’t any idea what you said, Harry,” said Dumbledore, twiddling his thumbs and staring at the ceiling.

Dumbledore owns sometimes.

“Er — right,” said Harry sheepishly. “I just meant — Hagrid, how could you think we’d care what that — woman — wrote about you?”

Two fat tears leaked out of Hagrid’s beetle-black eyes and fell slowly into his tangled beard.

“Living proof of what I’ve been telling you, Hagrid,” said Dumbledore, still looking carefully up at the ceiling. “I have shown you the letters from the countless parents who remember you from their own days here, telling me in no uncertain terms that if I sacked you, they would have something to say about it —”

That's very sweet. I also like to think many of those parents are offended by the suggestion they needed Rita fucking Skeeta to tell them Hagrid was part giant.

“Not all of ’em,” said Hagrid hoarsely. “Not all of ’em wan’ me ter stay.”

“Really, Hagrid, if you are holding out for universal popularity, I’m afraid you will be in this cabin for a very long time,” said Dumbledore, now peering sternly over his half-moon spectacles. “Not a week has passed since I became headmaster of this school when I haven’t had at least one owl complaining about the way I run it. But what should I do? Barricade myself in my study and refuse to talk to anybody?”

“Yeh — yeh’re not half-giant!” said Hagrid croakily.

“Hagrid, look what I’ve got for relatives!” Harry said furiously. “Look at the Dursleys!”

I'm pretty sure Dudley is part ogre.

“An excellent point,” said Professor Dumbledore. “My own brother, Aberforth, was prosecuted for practicing inappropriate charms on a goat.

I guess we know who Credence's mother was. A young fan once asked Rowling what Aberforth actually did to that goat. Rowling's response was basically "Because you're asking, he enchanted it so it gave beer instead of milk."

It was all over the papers, but did Aberforth hide? No, he did not! He held his head high and went about his business as usual! Of course, I’m not entirely sure he can read, so that may not have been bravery.”

Aberforth: At least I didn't get our sister exploded with your Nazi boyfriend!

“Come back and teach, Hagrid,” said Hermione quietly, “please come back, we really miss you.”

Hagrid gulped. More tears leaked out down his cheeks and into his tangled beard.

Dumbledore stood up. “I refuse to accept your resignation, Hagrid, and I expect you back at work on Monday,” he said. “You will join me for breakfast at eight-thirty in the Great Hall. No excuses. Good afternoon to you all.”

"Imperio!"

Dumbledore departs to think of more sick burns for his brother.

“Ar, he’s righ’, o’ course — yeh’re all righ’ … I bin stupid … my ol’ dad woulda bin ashamed o’ the way I’ve bin behavin’. …” More tears leaked out, but he wiped them away more forcefully, and said, “Never shown you a picture of my old dad, have I? Here …”

Hagrid got up, went over to his dresser, opened a drawer, and pulled out a picture of a short wizard with Hagrid’s crinkled black eyes, beaming as he sat on top of Hagrid’s shoulder. Hagrid was a good seven or eight feet tall, judging by the apple tree beside him, but his face was beardless, young, round, and smooth--he looked hardly older than eleven.

Short King.

Tha’ was taken jus’ after I got inter Hogwarts,” Hagrid croaked. “Dad was dead chuffed … thought I migh’ not be a wizard, see, ’cos me mum … well, anyway. ’Course, I never was great shakes at magic, really … but at least he never saw me expelled. Died, see, in me second year.

I wonder if it's possible for a part-human wizard to be a Squib. I feel like Hagrid's only option would've been to become a superhero.

“Dumbledore was the one who stuck up for me after Dad went. Got me the gamekeeper job … trusts people, he does. Gives ’em second chances … tha’s what sets him apar’ from other heads, see. He’ll accept anyone at Hogwarts, s’long as they’ve got the talent. Knows people can turn out okay even if their families weren’ … well … all tha’ respectable. But some don’ understand that. There’s some who’d always hold it against yeh … there’s some who’d even pretend they just had big bones rather than stand up an’ say — I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. ‘Never be ashamed,’ my ol’ dad used ter say, ‘there’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with.’ An’ he was right. I’ve bin an idiot. I’m not botherin’ with her no more, I promise yeh that. Big bones … I’ll give her big bones.”

This quote got thrown around a lot when it became clear Rowling was not in fact a trans maximalist, usually with the implication that Rowling was a hypocrite or didn't understand her own morals. But like... no? Hagrid is talking about accepting yourself as God made you, and for not letting anyone make you feel bad for it. If Hagrid being half-giant was comparable to being a "trans kid", we'd be treating his giant blood as something to be corrected or removed from his nature--that he was broken and wrong until we shaved down his bones or something.

Harry, Ron, and Hermione looked at one another nervously; Harry would rather have taken fifty Blast-Ended Skrewts for a walk than admit to Hagrid that he had overheard him talking to Madame Maxime, but Hagrid was still talking, apparently unaware that he had said anything odd.

That's wise; the Skrewts will be too busy murdering each other.

“Yeh know wha’, Harry?” he said, looking up from the photograph of his father, his eyes very bright, “when I firs’ met you, you reminded me o’ me a bit. Mum an’ Dad gone, an’ you was feelin’ like yeh wouldn’ fit in at Hogwarts, remember? Not sure yeh were really up to it … an’ now look at yeh, Harry! School champion!”

He looked at Harry for a moment and then said, very seriously, “Yeh know what I’d love, Harry? I’d love yeh ter win, I really would. It’d show ’em all … yeh don’ have ter be pureblood ter do it. Yeh don’ have ter be ashamed of what yeh are. It’d show ’em Dumbledore’s the one who’s got it righ’, lettin’ anyone in as long as they can do magic.

I'm sure there's people who think Rowling is a crypto Nazi because Hogwarts doesn't let people who can't do magic in.

...SJW Petunia, make it happen new show.

 

[IridiumDragon06]

So naturally, you're telling a fourteen-year-old-boy, who supposedly opened up to Rita about crying himself to sleep every night.

It makes sense to me; Harry is one of the people who is likely to accept Rita as an excuse for being cagey.

Because it literally is. It really amuses me the Tournament seems to treat "getting inside info from one of the judges" and "getting advice from family and friends" as "cheating." It's like meeting someone who thinks both murder and tapping someone on the shoulder to get their attention is violence, and is down for both.

On one hand, this does feel like a weakness of introducing an element like the TWT out of relatively nowhere, without first firmly establishing what comparable events are like, what the magically-enforced contract means, and so forth. On the other hand, the whole mess fits really well with the intended age progression; Harry is starting to push back against the rules of young childhood and finding that some of those rules have no enforcement whatsoever, and that indeed adult life is very often a great deal of just muddling along as best you can.

It's also clear that Harry is here entirely because he's well into his, ornery competitive contrary ass development phase, and strongly motivated to beat Cedric, but also to earn his victory over him.

And we know where things are going, but it's also fun to note, starting this far back, how (aheh) much agency the government agencies lack, with relatively-important people just completely vanishing and this not being seen as anyone's actual problem. Remember, kids; this is how effective the government is at protecting people it actually likes!

That's very sweet.

Yeah, this was a great scene all around, with the Gang and Dumbledore reinforcing each other's points through action and words both.

I also realize we get more Sad Hagrid than I remember, but that may just be because Hagrid's scenes are short-listed for inclusion here.

Also, while I'm certainly not the first to make this point, it is fun to contrast the ciper-ness and distance of Voldemort as the primary actually-dangerous antagonist to the up-close-and-personal nastiness of the side villains like Rita and Umbridge.

I'm sure there's people who think Rowling is a crypto Nazi because Hogwarts doesn't let people who can't do magic in.

I guess it depends on what assumptions you can smuggle in; if you start with the assumption that Hagrid is spiritually and ineffably human, and the morally correct thing to do is both to shave his bones down and to make absolutely sure no one notices his size, aggressive behaviors, or mild-to-moderate emotional disregulation, on pain of social, legal, and physical punishment, then yeah, you can get to a pro-trans message with "Be who you are!"

One of the more-saddening things I've learned in the last decade or so is that, as they say, you can't really reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into, but also that if someone decides to have their own personal and unbothered-by-consistency interpretation of reality, you probably can't reason them to or from anywhere at all. But you can still write a character like Hagrid, make it plain and textual that he is both bigger and more potentially-violent than most other characters, but also that he specifically is doing his best to be a good person and isn't likely to lead with violence unless someone he cares deeply about is being threatened, and let the work and intended lesson speak for itself for those with ears to hear (or eyes to read).

 

[Greedy Fly]

Snappy start to a sentence, Bozo — we just need to find a story to fit it —”

Rita Skeeter was such an informative Introduction to Journalism class for young readers.

 

[White-Kettle Shufflepunk]

One of the more-saddening things I've learned in the last decade or so is that, as they say, you can't really reason someone out of a position they didn't reason themselves into, but also that if someone decides to have their own personal and unbothered-by-consistency interpretation of reality, you probably can't reason them to or from anywhere at all. But you can still write a character like Hagrid, make it plain and textual that he is both bigger and more potentially-violent than most other characters, but also that he specifically is doing his best to be a good person and isn't likely to lead with violence unless someone he cares deeply about is being threatened, and let the work and intended lesson speak for itself for those with ears to hear (or eyes to read).

I think Rowling threaded a tricky needle with Hagrid, in that his giant heritage feels like it actually affects his mind, but the other characters don't come across as idiots or sentimental fools for treating him like a man. I feel like some writers think you can't have true respect and warmth for someone or something that is in some way truly different.

 

[Fun Factory]

A young fan once asked Rowling what Aberforth actually did to that goat. Rowling's response was basically "Because you're asking, he enchanted it so it gave beer instead of milk."

Even if you take this PG version of events as canon, it still seems like it should be more common knowledge that Dumbledore's ne'er-do-well, animal-abusing, illiterate brother runs a pub down in the town. That said, actually bringing Aberforth onstage later on is another example of Rowling effectively spinning plot points out of little throwaway lines and gags (I'm still immensely proud that when Prisoner of Azkaban came out, I recognised Sirius Black's name as the guy who gave Hagrid that flying motorbike).

 

[Gentlebastard]

...SJW Petunia, make it happen new show.

The Dursleys might be too obsessed with normalcy and conformity to ever go fully blue-haired gendergoblin, but I can see Petunia getting hooked through the fat acceptance movement. They see Dudley as a perfect little boy despite him having more chins than the Chinese social credit database, and the whale siren whale song of Sofie Hagen and Tess Holiday claiming that being a lard sphere is completely fine, healthy and normal would find little to no resistance in worming its way through her brain.

 

[Jay Jay]

All caught up with this thread! This is really fun, I'll take a look at some of your other ones as well. Come to think of it, I have quite a few book series in my attic I could get down and go over again...

But anyways, this is definitely a great reread. It really is astonishing how much better this is than so much of the other nonsense out there - you've mentioned several times, and I agree, that Rowling just gets kids, boys and girls alike, in a way that so many authors don't. It's why she's so good at writing for them, she knows just what appeals to them and how to get that imagination running.

 

[Stardust_Ziggy]

All caught up with this thread! This is really fun, I'll take a look at some of your other ones as well

Welcome, and don’t miss House of Night! That thread might never be finished, but we won’t bitch at OP about it because we all understand.

 

[TheAmbiguousLurker]

Welcome, and don’t miss House of Night! That thread might never be finished, but we won’t bitch at OP about it because we all understand.

I will. Because if Kettle doesn't do it, the curse will be passed on to someone else.

 

[Frag Tag Mini 3]

I'm a small bit scared and not sure if this idea is amazing or pure madness.