I took my spouse out to a nice lunch with alcohol (I hadn’t touched it in months) and dressed up in my favorite feminine grunge LGBTQ+ wolf shirt. I ran out with mismatched shoes because I was in a hurry. Honestly, this would scream romantic comedy, because I was completely unaware of the mismatched shoes. Maybe it was hope that she would come around?
We’ve been married for 13 years, with a lot of rough patches. She claims she is my best friend, but she’s dramatically changed over the years. We’ve been constantly arguing and fighting since I started medically transitioning over seven months ago. I confronted her about her transphobia, misgendering, and deadnaming. I set boundaries and rules during lunch and after lunch.
This is the first red flag. He insists that he's not an alcoholic and hasn't touched it in months, and later he'll insist he hasn't "touched the stuff in nearly years," yet this story makes it seem like he has a serious drinking problem. I think OP is in denial about more than just his gender and species. Actually, if you're already confused about the way your body is configured for reproduction and which species slot it fits into, you're already so messed up you shouldn't have kids around.
The thing is, she knew I was trans before we got married, but something changed when she was exposed to TERF rhetoric and MAGA ideology. I want my spouse and best friend that I married back. The one who laughed, the one who cared.
We have a family together, a pack unit with three kids involved. She straight up told me no more affectionate names, no more physical contact, no more flirting, etc. I’m not allowed to call myself “mom” in front of her. Utter rejection. I respect consent and will do so with the utmost diligence, but I refuse to detransition or stop being a mother. I have always been maternal.
He's saying a lot here and thinks he's making her out to be the bad guy, but he's really not. Here's what I think happened, based on what he himself is letting slip:
His wife knew he was trans back before their marriage, but to her, this probably just felt like having an effeminate husband. While the stereotype is that women want big, strong protectors, there are plenty who want a husband that they feel is more their own equal, someone who genuinely likes the same things they do and isn't a manly man. She probably felt like that's what she had, regardless of what he called himself.
According to OP, she was exposed to TERF and MAGA rhetoric and it changed her. I have a news flash for OP: being exposed to talking points won't change a person. In order for them to take root, the soil must be fertile, which means she was increasingly unhappy with her marriage. If she were as happy as OP claims, she would've encountered this rhetoric and brushed it off, as it clearly doesn't apply to their relationship.
But she didn't. And I think it says a lot about how their relationship was going. Much like how people who hit rock bottom are going to be more receptive to Christianity (I once read about a challenge between a Christian minister and an atheist to see whose ideology genuinely improves lives, and the atheist lost when he couldn't produce a single person whose life improved with atheism, but the minister could produce many people who claimed to be in a better place once they found Jesus), OP's wife found something that made sense of what she was feeling, and I think I know why.
OP lets slip that she told him not to call himself "mom" in front of her, so I think that's significant. My guess is that he went from being that effeminate husband who didn't just roll his eyes at chick flicks and then head off to his mancave to eat pizza and play COD to stepping all over her territory. Now he was "mom", now he was gross to touch, and now he was replacing her within the home. I would bet that he probably insisted on blowing money on a new wardrobe and makeup (which he needs more than her because of dysphoria), and instead of being quirky, he became creepy.
I am home right now with my daughter, drinking cognac, which I polished off from the remaining bottle. She looked at me and said, “Mom, you’re hurting.” I said yes, I am, but I promise I won’t do too much. I haven’t touched the stuff in nearly years because I usually spiral. I told her that her birth mom doesn’t love me anymore because I am a trans woman. My daughter gave me a big hug and affirmed me with kind words.
I am debating opening my whiskey or the gift bottle from my ex-boyfriend. Don’t worry, my daughter is safe. She is making her best effort to make me smile and laugh, trying to distract me from the hurt and pain. That is the best medicine I could ask for.
All of a sudden, the whole I-don't-drink thing starts being really sus. He hasn't drank in anywhere between months and years, yet he's got booze lying around in great quantities? People are giving him alcohol as gifts? I'm not a drinker myself. My dad was, and it destroyed his health, so I never touched it. And guess what? People don't give me alcohol and I don't have it around the house! I don't buy this story.
Also, this has to be something he just does because he's got his kid trained to know that daddy gets hammered whenever he's sad, and it's up to her to give her shit-faced dad hugs and affirmations when that happens. Everything is wrong with this picture.
He says "my daughter is safe," but given that he doesn't know he's a man, a human, or an alcoholic, I don't trust his judgment. I especially don't trust it being up to his daughter to be his emotional support - that's not the kid's job.
I didn’t ask to be trans. If I had been born cis, things could have been different, but that didn’t happen. I am emotionally and physically attuned to my partners. What I feel from my spouse is confusing as an introverted empath, and I’ve been neglected for many years. I had hopes and dreams of my spouse walking alongside me, but I guess that was fiction. If my late fiancée was alive, I guess I'd be happier? I don't know. Tomorrow is his birthday and I am broken.
You probably did ask to be trans when you went down whatever rabbit hole led you there. My bet is going to be on the furry community because it's rife with degeneracy, but who knows. Of course, he's super emotional and attuned in ways normal people just aren't.
Also, they always assume that it's everyone else's responsibility to walk the path with them without a thought about their needs and what "walking the path" might look like to them. And how many other fiancées has he burned through? The fact that he's wondering if he'd be happier with his ex makes me wonder, again, if there weren't a lot of cracks in this marriage to begin with.
This is a hard journey. I’ll admit that. Cheers. Vintage whiskey opened. Saving the Vintage Conac for my HRT anniversary to share with a friend if I can find one. I am a lonely she-wolf that yearns for unconditional love and a partner who values me. If anyone wants to connect, give me advice or anything. That'd be swell.
Thank you for listening. I am literally in tears. Good night Reddit.
More alcohol! He's going to be a mess in front of his daughter by the end of the night.
Update 02/07/2026:
Last night went rather well. My daughter gave me tarot card fortune readings. Cards were laid out and apparently there is a husband in my future. I'll take that as a sign. I promised her a girls' day today where she'll get her hair done up, buy her an outfit and etc.
I genuinely appreciate the support, kindness, and thoughtful comments. I’m doing my best to respond where I can.
So, she's still playing his emotional support, and he's going to take her on a girls' day out, special hungover edition. What in the world would he do if she were a tomboy and wanted none of that?
That said, please refrain from unsolicited parenting advice. It isn’t needed or helpful right now. Thank you for respecting that boundary.
Looks like troons with marginally more parenting instincts (or who are at least aware enough to know that if his wife knows his Reddit handle, she'll definitely use this post to get full custody of the kids and limit his contact) are telling him this looks bad, but he's uninterested in any advice telling him that maybe he needs to not get drunk in front of his kid or maker her feel like she has to be the parent in this situation.
Thank you for asking, though!!
' schtick, at least some pooners are capable of basically just being a wife with a shitty mustache).
