It all started with losing my hair. I had some fucking idiot friend (Iknow it's my fault, let me vent) give me finasteride spray. I started using it, and my hair wasn't so bad. I also stopped getting acne and started looking snatched instead of like a fat bloated shit with, frankly, repulsive skin and my face looking swollen and straining.
Depression, depression, lack of motivation. Extreme gender dysphoria, feelings of my body being ruined and feeling like my hips grew. Wrote it all off as dysmorphia and paranoia.
Suddenly, got some bleeding again and stopped immediately. the stupid shithead that I am, however, then continued to take T improperly to avoid an acne resurge. Not the full dose that I was supposed to take.
In my defense, the useless pieces of shit at the GIC keep giving me prescriptions of 2 pumps (too low) and 3 pumps (too high) instead of actually fixing the problem and giving me something in between. My fault for not dealing with it properly. Should have known you can't trust them to do anything. should have taken matters into my own hands sooner- buying a weighing scale. Such as simple solution. I really let myself down. Too late now.
This whole time, I've lacked motivation to do my work. But, now that I don't look horrible, I have so many positive experiences in the world that lended up being a happier person. Every observation of my body was written off as paranoia or dysmorphia, when it was true. I think my mind protects me from really seeing my body as it is.
I got praised for my looks so much since I lost my acne. Including from my rejecting parents. Because I avoided the truth of how I looked, I thought they were becoming more accepting because they started being way nicer to me recently. I feel so humiliated and hurt all over again. I really never learn that they will never love me.
I think part of me really sees myself as completely ugly when I'm a man because I just can't accept myself, which made this situation so much worse. The whole period of time that l've just described has been accompanied by consistent attempts to "stop being trans"' to the point of what I suppose you could call sexual self harm, obsession with other people's bodies because I accurately determined my hips were becoming more prominent while trying to gaslight myself that they weren't.
Yesterday I had the breakdown moment. I frequently passed pre-T. I've almost never been misgendered since starting testosterone at 18. Once I was a year on T, never misgendered at all. Until yesterday. It wasn't even hesitant or targeted. I was called THIS GIRL in the shop in a very liberal area. To make it worse, I'm nearly 30. I'm pretty much a 30 year old man and I'm getting called a girl.
I absolutely lost it and I'm surprised by how much I lost it. I felt shaky and lightheaded and rushed home. My whole body was completely shaking, "got misgendered and literally shaking" meme in real life. I couldn't believe the strength of my response, emotionally and in my head I truly felt that the situation didn't bother me, but I couldn't ignore the reaction of my body. I forced myself to feel my emotions and spent the whole day crying and crying
I feel completely humiliated. I have been walking around everywhere, at work, with friends, everywhere, looking like a girl. I showed up in front of my parents thinking I did a good job, better looking guy, more defined, less fat- just looked like a girl and that's why they were nice to me, not because they care. I have a persistent drive now to force myself to be cis, because if I didn't notice for so long, then I must be ok with being a girl l'm never going to be able to see my body accurately anyway because it will always protect me from truly seeing my hips and my mind will lie to protect me, so I will just be made a fool of again and again anyway.
I want my life to be better but I don't see a way out. I've been trying to practice taking actions instead of sitting around being sad, put what am I meant to do about a body can't accept? I feel so angry. I've missed out on so much of life because of how much my parents reaction to me coming out hurt me emotionally. I'm 30 I don't have time to work through all of this emotional bullshit. I literally had the perfect setup, passed well, started young. Threw it all away because I'm still just a slave to what my parents think. I completely betrayed myself with this whole situation
The stupidest part is that I'm scared to put my dose back to the proper level because I do not want to feel so ugly again. I want people to treat me like a person. I don't want to be walking around with a biohazard face. And my hips are permanent, so what's the point anyway? I don't know what to do in the meantime... force myself outside? Have more people see me as a girl? For some reason, I'm mostly okay with seeing myself naked because I have such good muscle definition, but once I get my clothes on it makes the proportions so apparent. I have been feeling like I don't want to go to work this whole time (more than a year) because of how my clothes look but 1 just attributed it to this intense phase I had where I started to hate all LGBT people. Now I know that my perception is the truth, I don't know how I can do this without feeling sick.
TL,DR: 30 year old man ruins perfect life and looks like a girl because of internalised transphobia, parental trauma, and vanity
