💼 Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[the khat quaffer]

No fucking way, holy shit he's gargantuan. This whole time he's been so confidently telling us vegetable bad meat gud without an ounce of shame, all the while turning into the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka. Don't get me wrong, he has always been a fat fuck and nobody believed his carnivore diet was improving his health, but I had no idea it was THIS bad.

Spoiler

imagine the smell

I thought that was Wings for a moment. Two bald fat fucks in a 6XL blue shirt.

Jacko took the phrase "never trust a skinny chef" a bit too literally..

 

[Polska krowa]

The AI song intro is bad.

The lyrics are retarded:
Welcome to the kitchen, get ready, let's go,
It's Cooking with Jack put (or but, it's impossible to tell) on a tasty show.

 

[REGENDarySumanai]

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My God, they're gonna have to bury him in a piano box at this rate.

 

[Lactose tolerant]

My God, they're gonna have to bury him in a piano box at this rate.

There are oversize caskets for fat fucks like him. They are not cheap, as you might expect.

 

[myhairisonfire]

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There are oversize caskets for fat fucks like him. They are not cheap, as you might expect.

Then you gotta buy the doublewide cement vault and two plots at the cemetery. Normal sized headstone though

 

[Hollywood Hulk Hogan]

Then you gotta buy the doublewide cement vault and two plots at the cemetery. Normal sized headstone though

If Hammy is smart she will just lease a boat and bury his fat ass at sea with the other ocean mammals

 

[the khat quaffer]

Then you gotta buy the doublewide cement vault and two plots at the cemetery. Normal sized headstone though

Two plots? You're gonna need two fuckin' zip codes.

Heh heh. Hear what I said? I said you're gonna need two fuckin' zip codes.

If Hammy is smart she will just lease a boat and bury his fat ass at sea with the other ocean mammals

If he washes ashore there's the risk he might explode.

 

[Great Scott]

The lyrics are retarded:
Welcome to the kitchen, get ready, let's go,
It's Cooking with Jack put (or but, it's impossible to tell) on a tasty show.

He probably paid for it too.

The soup is disgusting. Shocking. Cream should be added near the end of cooking, basically just to warm it through.

 

[Polska krowa]

He probably paid for it too.

Nah, that's 100% AI-generated. He probably just asked whatever AI tool he uses to make a jingle for a YouTube cooking show called 'Cooking with Jack'.

 

[Uber driver reviewer]

If Hammy is smart she will just lease a boat and bury his fat ass at sea with the other ocean mammals

Time almost up Jack!

 

[the khat quaffer]

Nah, that's 100% AI-generated. He probably just asked whatever AI tool he uses to make a jingle for a YouTube cooking show called 'Cooking with Jack'.

I still think he's stupid enough to have somehow paid for it.

Somewhere, a poo-nigger is $15 richer.

 

[Polska krowa]

I still think he's stupid enough to have somehow paid for it.

Somewhere, a poo-nigger is $15 richer.

He's obsessed with AI. I think he's competent enough to do something as simple as generating a 5-second jingle.

 

[Daddy Strokum]

He's obsessed with AI. I think he's competent enough to do something as simple as generating a 5-second jingle.

>having faith in Jack
That's where you fucked up. He's also obsessed with food, have you seen his cooking?

 

[Polska krowa]

>having faith in Jack
That's where you fucked up. He's also obsessed with food, have you seen his cooking?

That'd be all well and good if the song were any good, but, just like his food, the song is lazy slop.

 

[Daddy Strokum]

That'd be all well and good if the song were any good, but, just like his food, the song is lazy slop.

That's a good point. Given how ass he is with technology, though, I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he paid some brownoid to do it. We'll never know, anyway. If he's asked about it he'll get defensive and ass-blasted and swear it's not AI.

 

[Aunt Carol]

If he washes ashore there's the risk he might explode.

For the record, that's not what happens naturally to dead whales.

That's what happens when you make your state's coastline legally a state highway: the Department of Transportation is in charge of it and they're more familiar with rock slides and trees, maybe a moose.

If Junior, under cover of darkness, rolls Jack's body onto the nearest freeway, it'll be TDOT's turn to try. Or they could offer Jack a wafer-thin mint on his deathbed.

 

[Dollar Duck]

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What a gormless blob of fat

 

[Charlie Delicious]

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Tammy can't even be bothered to look up from her phone as Jack grills her about the soup.
"This was six dollars, too?"
"Its 40 degrees out?"
"Does it taste as good as it ever did? Does it taste better?"
"Would you recommend that people come try it?"

Oh fuck Tammy looks more pissed than usual. Wonder what Mr Stroke Induced Anger did on the ride over to make her so mad.

Jack is surely testing the limits of her Christianity

 

[LaughJoke2.0]

My God, they're gonna have to bury him in a piano box at this rate.

Seriously cremation would be a way cheaper option when you take in consideration the price of a casket that large and you will probably have to buy two plots for him. You can put his ashes in one of those vault buildings some cemeteries have.

 

[myhairisonfire]

Seriously cremation would be a way cheaper option when you take in consideration the price of a casket that large and you will probably have to buy two plots for him. You can put his ashes in one of those vault buildings some cemeteries have.

Crematoriums will charge extra, apparently:

I can't tell if we're joking anymore, but how they cremate obese people is to do them first in the morning, when the crematorium oven isn't warmed up yet.

If you buy one of the cheap cremation packages, the ones they advertise in the newspaper across from the obits, the asterisk is in the ad because you can add on a day of cold storage or a nicer urn, and also because there's an additional fee for people over X weight. It's 300lb at the crematorium I interact with most, but it varies by crematorium (physics as well as policy). I have never had them turn someone down but IIRC the largest person I've had picked up was around 550lb/250kg. This was at night, though; there might have been a flurry of phone calls in the morning.