How are you doing? - Kiwi Farms Wellness Check

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WASR96 said:
Numbers did better than my docs expected. Back home in my comfy bed for 9 days until I have to do it all over again for round two. I'll be home for my birthday. Not a big deal to me anymore, but my Mom loves celebrating our birthdays, so I'm happy that she'll be happy. Still a little scared that I'm incapable of taking care of myself after spending so long in the hospital, but I feel safer knowing they put in my chart that I go straight back to the Oncology ward if something happens and I need to go to the ER. Last time I went to the ER, the other two floors I got sent to were so shitty that I had a mental breakdown after day 7 and refused further care to get out of there. I love all the staff on the Oncology floor, I begged to be sent there last time and was instead sent to ICU and then general admittance, and I've never experienced such shit care before. Thanks to all the Kiwis who have been holding out for me.
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Love that for you. Even if you weren't dealing with what you're dealing with, enjoy your time with your loved ones. Time is finite and precious.
 
I hate seasonal depression what do you mean it's getting dark out earlier so now I feel like shit. Stupid monkey Brain.
 
I don't usually post here anymore since kiwi farms is NOT a therapy session....not even a support group even at the best of times but....





I've recently left the city behind...moved miles and miles away to where....well I won't say. Just that it's far and away from the city, and good riddance. I've been out in the sticks two weeks and well...the big moving is done but there's still a lot to do. But it's quiet I feel great and have some the best views I've had in years. Legit wish I coukd show some but, well like I said don't wanna risk powerleveling too much.


The only thing that's kinda a drag is there's nothing around for miles at best. Even the laundromat is an hour away by car, walmart is even farther. There's no public transportation, no bodegas around the corner anymore, no traffic or emergency sirens going off wvery night,...for better and for worse. it really does feel like the old sitcom green acres. Only without the farm. (Seeing how it's October already bit late to start one and all)
 
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Yesterday came across a thread and saw that the OP passed away a couple of months ago.It kinda hit me hard even though I never knew the guy. His thread get bumped up every now and then,seems like a decent dude.

Saying 2025 sucks really is an understatement. Everyone is feeling miserable and dying left and right. Either by suicide or getting killed.
If someone 20+ years older than me can snap like that,just imagine how people that were younger be feeling.
 
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Yellow Rose Of Texas said:
Saying 2025 sucks really is an understatement. Everyone are feeling miserable and dying left and right. Either by suicide or getting killed.
If someone 20+ years older than me can snap like that, you can only imagine how people that were younger must be fefeeling.
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Okay, so it's not just me waiting for this motherfucker of a year to be over.

I had a mental break this week. Like, I haven't had a single win this year, and it's weighing on me like a fucking lead boulder. The future is uncertain and I'm hanging on by my fingernails.

Everyone is telling me I'm not a failure, but I don't know if they're just trying to keep me from quitting. I think my life has been a long and successive series of pity-motivated head-pats. My career mostly, but it's starting to feel like my hobbies are that way also.

It'll get better with work, sure, but I'm not in my 20's. I'm at a point in my life where being a beginner feels awful. Like I should have the life experience to transfer over to the new things I do so I'm not an entire retard.

Now if y'all will excuse me, I'm going to get back to my new dead-end job, because I keep thinking the new ones might not be lying when they give me the speech about how I too can make CEO someday.
 
Found out that someone that I am very fond of doesn't like me.
I'm absolutely crushed because I've known them for years and they would never decline an invitation to hang out, go to the club, etc.
Not the first time it has happened, but still hurts nonetheless.
I suppose it happens more as you age, you start finding out who's a true friend or not and your group starts getting smaller and smaller. Quality over quantity.
I will try not to dwell in those feelings and just let them come and go. I still have to work and play in a D&D session afterwards. I can't let this ruin my day.

But it feels like I will never stop feeling like a lonely girl in middle school.
 
Foxymophandlemama said:
Found out that someone that I am very fond of doesn't like me.
I'm absolutely crushed because I've known them for years and they would never decline an invitation to hang out, go to the club, etc.
Not the first time it has happened, but still hurts nonetheless.
I suppose it happens more as you age, you start finding out who's a true friend or not and your group starts getting smaller and smaller. Quality over quantity.
I will try not to dwell in those feelings and just let them come and go. I still have to work and play in a D&D session afterwards. I can't let this ruin my day.

But it feels like I will never stop feeling like a lonely girl in middle school.
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Unless you're some sort of tranny deviant, it's their loss and you should treat it as such.
I don't fret when I misplace a tool I like, I replace the tool.
Connection is nice, but it can also be fleeting. If this was a reoccurring theme in your life then I'd suggest stepping outside of yourself and evaluating why it keeps happening, but if this is a one off thing, it's a can't please everyone all the time.
Short answer? Fuck em. Long answer? Fuck em and be happy you found out what they actually think because two faced shit is basic bitch territory.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
Unless you're some sort of tranny deviant, it's their loss and you should treat it as such.
I don't fret when I misplace a tool I like, I replace the tool.
Connection is nice, but it can also be fleeting. If this was a reoccurring theme in your life then I'd suggest stepping outside of yourself and evaluating why it keeps happening, but if this is a one off thing, it's a can't please everyone all the time.
Short answer? Fuck em. Long answer? Fuck em and be happy you found out what they actually think because two faced shit is basic bitch territory.
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Nah, I'm a True Honest Woman. Just on a more nerdy side and kind of socially awkard. Used to be worse, I've improved a lot over the years.
I'm trying to think on that side, fuck them, truly their loss. I would support their business, buy their stuff, give them free tickets to events. But deep inside it feels like a betrayal and that I'm never good enough.
It's actually hard for me to truly connect with people because I never feel like I'm being understood. I don't know how to explain it well, but it feels like I am speaking a language people can barely understand.
There's like, 3 or 4 people that I feel like I can truly be myself without judgement. They are the ones I spend most of my time with.
That person didn't need to be my best friend or anything, but I've never done any harm to them. They even told me once that I can be annoying sometimes because I don't know when to shut up when I am talking about something that I like, which since then I am really trying to police myself. I even thanked them for speaking to my face instead of letting me be oblivious about it.
I don't know, I always try to see the good side of people, maybe it's one of my flaws.
 
Foxymophandlemama said:
Nah, I'm a True Honest Woman. Just on a more nerdy side and kind of socially awkard. Used to be worse, I've improved a lot over the years.
I'm trying to think on that side, fuck them, truly their loss. I would support their business, buy their stuff, give them free tickets to events. But deep inside it feels like a betrayal and that I'm never good enough.
It's actually hard for me to truly connect with people because I never feel like I'm being understood. I don't know how to explain it well, but it feels like I am speaking a language people can barely understand.
There's like, 3 or 4 people that I feel like I can truly be myself without judgement. They are the ones I spend most of my time with.
That person didn't need to be my best friend or anything, but I've never done any harm to them. They even told me once that I can be annoying sometimes because I don't know when to shut up when I am talking about something that I like, which since then I am really trying to police myself. I even thanked them for speaking to my face instead of letting me be oblivious about it.
I don't know, I always try to see the good side of people, maybe it's one of my flaws.
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Ain't nothing wrong with wanting connection and to feel like you belong and understood, and I'm sure you've heard this before, but don't put your eggs in other people's baskets. Love your weird quirks, love that you get passionate about things other people don't give a shit about. The things that make you you will resonate with some and repulse others. The onus is on you to cut out things that are bad for you. If this person is taking your support, your time, your energy, smiling at you while in their head thinking ' I hate this bitch', you aren't losing anything by finding out this person is a cunt, you're losing the illusion of what you thought this person was. We go through this process over and over in life: when we find out Santa lives in a crack den in Detroit and not the North Pole, when we discover our parents have flaws, when we find out people don't feel the same way as we do about them.

Be good with you, when you are happy with yourself, people like you will find you. Vampires don't like food that challenges them.
 
Dizzyuntildeath said:
Be good with you, when you are happy with yourself, people like you will find you. Vampires don't like food that challenges them.
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Thanks for the kind words. I will allow myself to feel but not let it bring me down. At least I will have the D&D session tonight to distract myself a little. Maybe I will watch my favorite movie, I don't know. I have to remember to be kind to myself.
 
Hello again, everyone.
I hope everyone can find their peace soon.

Well, I had a moment of weakness and considered going back to my old job just so I wouldn't be broke.
Talked to the old manager. She was obviously pissed. They haven't been able to find anyone to actually do my job after two fucking months. Keep in mind, I'm not trained in a special field or anything. It's not rocket science. They just really weren't prepared for some of their staff fucking off the way we did. They have a list of "prospects" on the board, something they have literally never had to do for the position before.

So I'm talking to this woman who's choices have been directly running the place into the ground. She's pretty much the queen bee who took a decent workplace and fucked it up so she could relive her high school years with other mean girls. She's got this uber-vindictive post menopausal woman energy going on. Eventually she tries to spin an argument we had once into being this threatening situation she was in where I was screaming at her violently, instead of telling her there was certain things she was handling incorrectly. Me being the dude who internalizes everything, I retardedly take that to heart and feel like shit for a couple of days. Especially because we used to pretty along before she went scorched earth. Hard to actually see clearly what's going on.

My friend, who also knows this woman, really helps me out of the rough patch and we have a couple of really nice days just chilling, getting drunk. It's nice to actually have someone in your corner when it feels the world is staring you down.

Now after some clarity and distance I realize she's just pissed I left because she knows the place is actively falling apart, and it's her fault, but can't take credibility. Recognizing that your boss has so much pride she would try to claim with a straight face you were Ike Turner because she's not used to any pushback on her ideas is kind of fucking funny.
So I'm feeling weirdly vindicated. It's so nice getting older and noticing the shit women pull and noticing what it is.
I'm not saying shit isn't going to be rough for a while, but I'm still happy as shit when I think about how the people who actively told me I was replaceable are having to eat some humble pie now.
Biggest regret was even giving them an inch of the thought of wanting to come back. I miss the pay but I'm so fucking happy to not deal with that shit anymore. But it's so nice after seeing posts on here of people having to deal with workplaces actively ruined by older women just being the guy who actually left his.

So yeah, place shut down for "maintenance" recently (they have an infestation), and they just started charging everyone for meals in the back, which they've never done. Sign outside said "Pardon Our Progress". Seems like they're doing fucking great.

It's getting easier and easier to realize shitty abusive behavior that I don't want to be around and stop blaming myself for people hitting below the belt. I grew up so long being retardedly naive and thinking everyone's good natured and always says what they mean. Being able to just look at the manipulation and shit people pull and realizing "Wait, that's not a me thing, a lot of people are just fucked up" is one of the best things now.
And I'm actively looking towards the future for once, thinking about the shit I want to do and the timetables of how I can get some of that accomplished. Kind of enjoying moving into a new arc of life.

Anyways, Kiwis. Stay strong. Take shelter in the few real people you got. Times are fucked right now but together we'll get through it. No matter how lolcowish some of us might be or the mistakes we've made or time we didn't use... In spite of all that and because of all that, I'm still rooting you all of you.
 
Ah, that new thread about the horrors of becoming a parent got me thinking about terrifyingly unprepared I would be for such a thing... At least on the bright side it's not something I would have to worry about, at least for the next few years, if ever. Perhaps by the time such a thing comes to occur, the Internet will implode and I will not have to worry about issues related to raising kids in the modern Internet age.
 
The Ghost of Rarity said:
Told my fiance that I really think I need to sign myself into a mental facility before I fully lose it and got hit with “no you can’t do that because I need to go to work”
Can’t kill myself because I fear going to hell but maybe if I pay someone to kill me it won’t count

I’ve already convinced myself that I won’t live to be old but all I really ask for is at least 20 years for the sake of my kids…that’s it
I hope God can at least grant me that
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Fuck bro. I'm sorry to hear that and I feel you on deep levels. Keep it pushin we will all make it out of this shit hole in the end.
 
Foxymophandlemama said:
Thanks for the kind words. I will allow myself to feel but not let it bring me down. At least I will have the D&D session tonight to distract myself a little. Maybe I will watch my favorite movie, I don't know. I have to remember to be kind to myself.
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HML I'll be your true friend. I don't care if ur a land whale or a retard, lets motivate each other
 
I joined a dating app yesterday, had a few likes and started talking to a woman toady. This bitch is fucking crazy, like a real loon. Honestly I'm only talking to her that this point because I want to see what insane retardation she comes out with next.
 
This is sort of a continuation of my previous rant and given that this is basically an anonymous board I don't care about PLing about this. It's hard to put into words but I hate this weird military culture that you have to asskiss respect anyone who's ever served. Obviously there seems to be a really big boomer and millennial disconnect viewing the military, and even within the military now I think. I knew two guys who joined the Navy and then quit quickly after, (although one of them got to get a comfy job through nepoing for a while) but they never had this respect attitude that boomers had. (Or maybe its mainly an officer thing?)

Obviously I should actually talk to a therapist about this, but I guess I sorta never did cause my old therapists were paid through by Tricare. And even after I became an adult and my insurance changed, I had someone who was a veteran which I didn't even know after telling about him half the shit of how my mom's treated me. And now they took me off my insurance and I don't remember why but I can't afford any visits. (Not that I'm hopeful anyway.)

If I literally wasn't born in a military family (and could move) I would probably just put all this shit behind me anyway.
 
Today makes six months since the pacemakers were installed. Only way I can tell if they are working is when I check blood pressure/pulse. Hasn't gone below 48 since installed. Before installation pulse would get into the 30s, and the night before the pacemakers we installed pulse got down to 22/minute. Have been told they actuate 20-35% of the time, have heard both numbers.

Have had other things happen - cataract surgery two weeks after the pacemakers, got checked for prostate cancer, negative. Some other shit but together with the doctors I can handle it. Goal is to live long enough to see granddaughter graduate from high school. She's in kindergarten now. That would put me at about 83.
 
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