WARNING: SADNESS
I recently attempted suicide by Sodium Nitrite. I was determined to just die and end the pain. I bought into the bullshit thinking it would be quick and painless. I think if I had to chart where the depression first started would be when I was 8 and started to become self-aware. If you're wondering why then I'll tell you:
The carny barker warns the crowd wandering around outside the tent of the freak show: “Look away! Don’t read the writings of… An extreme manic depressive!” The crowd gasps and runs off in horror.
My parents were your typical fucked up boomer parents. My mother was the black sheep. Her father may have molested her and all the girls in the family but I don't know. All the girls also grew up with Club Foot. My father had your typical drunk Irish dad who beat him and chased him with knives. My father's sister (my aunt) was killed by a trash compactor when she was 5 which fucked up his mother. I don't know much but I know that my father and his mother had a sort of Ed Gein/Norman Bates kind of relationship.
I am the middle child and my father sired each child approximately 15 years apart. So, even though I had a sister, by the time I was 7 she was gone so I was essentially an only child. Even though my parents were married, my father compartmentalized us and set us up in a house far away from Manhattan where he worked and played out his fantasies of being a spy for the C.I.A. So, it was like my parents were divorced because my father would visit every other month or every 3-4 months for a week and be off on his way.
My mother was psychotically abusive. One time when I was 5, I was watching TV on the couch and she wandered over with an idiot grin and pulled down my blanket and pants just to stare at my dick. My older sister said our mother touched her cunt sensually once when she was taking a bath. Other similar incidents as I grew up.
My mother would beat me for any reason. Locked outside the house when I was 6, punched in the face for asking for milk for my cereal, grabbing me by the hair and pulling hard when I was 7 or 8, almost decapitating a cat I owned and refusing to let him inside the house where he was ran over by a neighbor and I saw his nose pushed inside his brain, she killed a white kitten we had too, numerous screaming fits and random slapping and punching. She would have an episode at least twice a month. One of the worst is where she went into an hours-long rage repeatedly hitting me and telling me "If I give you a knife, would you kill yourself?" When I was 12 and I forgot to bring a book from school for homework. Not to mention deliberately abandoning me in a parking lot when I was about 8 or 9. Another time she had the idea to paint my room. My father wasn't home so she forced me when I was 8 to move those giant CRT TV sets. 30 inch screen or whatever. I said I couldn't do it but she forced it and the TV fell. She beat me and said how my father was going to kill us, she even drove to the bank to take all the money out but changed her mind when she came back and -miraculously- the TV was undamaged.
I know this isn't trauma dumping. This is atrocity dumping.
Mother was terrified of my father. She'd piss her pants because he beat her and could fly into rages. She set the tone by saying that he could fly into a rage and murder/suicide all of us at any moment. One time he tried: around 2001, he was driving with her in the passenger seat and he veered into the opposite lane into oncoming traffic and pulled away at the last second. He even confirmed the incident years later to me by saying "Women drive you crazy, son."
My father just neglected me. He knew what she was doing. He just let my mother do whatever she wanted and pretended that everything was fine. One time my family went to an auto parts store and my mother cornered me in the store and bent my hands backwards with a psychotic grin whispering to me "Yeah, I'm stronger than you." While store employees seemed disturbed and my father just ignored it.
I was never the son he wanted. One time he bitched to my mother (she would tell me everything he'd say behind my back) that my hands were soft and that I didn't like cars (I just simply wasn't 100% into cars). He would try to raise me but do it half-assed. Never taught how to fight. Never taught how to tie a knot beyond your shoelaces and he bitched about that. Never taught the game of socializing until I learned by myself when I was 16. He wanted me to be a car guy but aside from one time where he changed the oil he never did anything else like teach basic car maintenance despite him owning an autoshop for a minute and selling cars and shit. He wanted an over 6 foot tall redneck farm boy that loved redneck bullshit and cars. I was not that, I'm more of an arts & culture 5'10 fag. But we saw kinship with politics but even then I knew that we had a fundamental difference of opinion because he claims to love all people and I simply hate people and I especially hate the unintelligent and the slow. He's also more Conservative than me and I could be considered Independent.
When I was 15, my parents rented out a home to a tenant with 2 children. My father became more psychotic and unhinged and that was the time he veered off into traffic. But I suspected something was up with our tenant. I told both of my parents at the same time that I thought the tenant was trying to seduce my father. They both laughed it off. Later, my father starts pushing hard for divorce and my mother freaked out and took off with me. Granted, okay, I'm 15 but I'm not an adult and I couldn't legally drive yet. This would be the 2nd time she took off with me. When we left, my idiot mother didn't know what she was doing -and I found out later that she was catfished by a guy in Connecticut who claimed to be a doctor but she couldn't find the guy's address, I was not aware of any of this so I could have potentially been just handed over to a rapist serial killer- and I spent Thanksgiving, Christmas and my birthday homeless. I was homeless for about 7 months and it was one of the worst experiences of my life. Two months after we left, we found out that my father had another child and that's how I found out that I had a little sister. Years and years later I talked a little bit about this to my father and he was like "No, son. I started a relationship with Fuckface AFTER you guys left." I had to point out to him that we left in November and my half-sister was born in January. He just looked down in shame and said nothing.
Let's review my family:
This is my father:
https://youtu.be/cg42VRJlgF4?si=HvQnPheRltI1CLM1
He lives exactly like this with my retarded stepmother and the woman is EERILY like my step-mother as well. It became obvious to me that he has a taste for disgusting, ugly, fucked up and easily controlled women. Even the cartoon voice the guy does in the clip is accurate because that's something my father would do all the time.
This is my mother:
https://youtu.be/tUkE9qaVgmo?si=qwfRzlP5-JzpbBXW
This is 100% accurate and aside from 3-4 scenes the film is not a comedy. It is a horror film.
This is my older sister:
Pretty accurate minus the dyed hair and glasses. Same exact kind of persona.
This is my younger sister:
Minus the fetal alcohol syndrome and allergy to peanuts. This is pretty accurate to the kind of person she is.
Here are my suicide attempts:
1st attempt: when I was 14 and I grabbed the shotgun I got for Xmas (largely so my dad could play with it) and I put it in my fucking mouth and almost pulled the trigger. It was a lot like this but slightly less dramatized.
https://youtu.be/-37Mhsak-XI?si=CNYpSC3FyQZZ8fdk
Note: the only Lethal Weapon movie I watched at this point was Part 4 and I had no idea that the Mel Gibson character was suicidal. But I really felt that moment.
2nd attempt: I was either 23 or 24 and I grabbed a lot of OTC painkillers and hoped they would just kill me. I passed out and woke up feeling very groggy.
3rd attempt: when I was 33 in the military a guy opened the bathroom stall as I took a razor and about to cut into an artery. Surprisingly, the drill sergeants never took it seriously and they never assigned someone to watch me or check to see if I had razors. Gotta' love the military.
4th attempt: Sodium Nitrite. I guess you could say that I fell for the hype? I just wanted a peaceful and quick death to put an end to all of the pain. I just wanted the pain to stop. I took an insane amount of it. About 2 liters of water with several scoops of the shit. I triple and quadruple checked to ensure that I had the right stuff. So I poured in easily 3-4 times the amount it supposedly takes to kill you. I took an anti-emetic too but it was OTC. I took that huge amount of it because I wanted to ensure that I just fucking die and the logic is "How could I possibly take too much poison to kill myself?' I vomited it up but my body absorbed most of it. And my guts felt like they were about to split open and I was projectile vomiting bile for 2 days in ER. Then I was taken to a BSU staffed by Nigerians and I saw some of the most horrifying shit you could imagine in that asylum. Surrounded by psychos, schizophrenics and elderly flinging shit and piss and vomit everywhere as the staff ignored it or were too lazy to do anything. It was EXACTLY like in Titicut Follies:
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Titicut_Follies and if any fucking asshole says "Oh, the mental health centers aren't that bad now." I swear to fucking god as the last thing I will do is haunt you. Even if you whisper it under your breath while staring at your screen I will know because I am a motherfucker who is cursed with too much self-awareness.
Not to mention other various incidents from my cunt SJW older sister freaking out when I rented a copy of Stepfather part 3 (I was either 10 or 11) and she told every family member that I enjoyed watching rape. Plus her generally cunty behavior over years.
My younger half-sister also betrayed me when I was older and helped pushing me to that suicidal point yet again.
I eventually cut off my mother but I still wanted a loving family of some kind. So I tried to reconnect for my father only for him to betray me multiple times including stealing several hundred dollars. Then I had to contend with my step-mother (they weren't married but they were common law)
Plus numerous jobs, mostly customer service, where I tried to get out of it and shit would go down or something else would happen and it's so hard to dig yourself out of that profession and stay out of it. Plus extensive bullshit just from everyday life on top of all that. What really killed me is when my cat (who was a Calico) died of cancer after having him for 10 years. I had to put him down because I couldn't afford to help him and by that point there's no guarantee that you do will work to keep them around. That really hurt. More so because the place I was living in was a shithole with rats and it was insanely drafty and cold. He was one of the few things keeping me sane. Then after my most recent attempt, assholes took my latest cat that I owned for 3 years, put him in a pound and he was adopted and there's nothing I can do to get him back now. I just found out about that today.
Now I have survived and I have no idea why. My hypothesis is that I am here to continue to suffer. To be an abused horse for the world to pass by and whip at their leisure.
My ultimate review of the sodium nitirite method of suicide I would give a 0/10. And my recommendation is to learn the train schedule. Or simply buy a shotgun and aim for your temple.