Im processing this and figured Id seek any of the community's thoughts. Not looking for anything specific, but hoping that someone has some wisdom that resonates. Im in gender affirming therapy and this is a topic Im now broaching (having not had the emotional bandwidth till now). I dont know what to write for trigger warnings, but it isnt a positive story, so...
I have been with my wife for over ten years and it has honestly been quite good from both sides.
We were quite attuned with each other and had been great partners.. up until 6 months ago.
6 months ago
I started becoming extremely depressed and that lead to my egg cracking. Without making this too long, I went on a long road of self improvement from eating right, working out, hygiene, and more to try and fix myself and after all that was still sad then one day snap I immediately knew why. That was 3 months ago.
My honest first reaction was to tell my wife. I tell her everything. I wasnt sure exactly what it meant for my future identity and I had zero knowledge of the community, terms, or even basic understanding of transitioning.All I knew for sure is I was definitely not a CIS man. So after a day or two of self questioning to make sure I was SURE, I had a sit down conversation where I cried in her lap and said almost exactly that.
Her reaction was pretty instantaneous and something I never in a million years thought possible.
I thought she would be my biggest supporter. Instead, I got the following from her:
- "is it okay if it isnt something I want?"
- "I wanted to be married to a man"
- "I wanted a husband"
- "Im attracted to men"
- "Is it okay if I dont want this?"
And I tried to be very understanding. I said "yes of course its okay." She said she needed time and
I asked if she would want to explore these questions I have together and she said no. She said she wouldnt participate.
The next day
she told me I should seek professional help (non-affirming) because she thought that I was having a mental breakdown. This is when I chose to start gender affirming care and told her I was getting a therapist (but not what kind).
Over the months I have been improving greatly and have fully solidified and become very happy as the real me. Honestly 99.9% of my life has improved in so many ways, but this single thing is the .1% negative that I struggle to process. Especially what all comes next.
In the weeks after I told her she began making very negative, but at the time I thought unfortunately worded but not malicious, comments about my body that now I am not sure about. trigger warning here ig
- "i liked you better with a beared"
- "are you shaving your arms?"
- "getting your ears pierced is kind of irresponsible"
- "your legs look so pale without hair" (and laughing)
It continued until I decided to move out of our shared bedroom and into my office and asked her to no longer make these comments. She stopped, but she also withdrew almost all contact with me. Anytime I tried to share where I was in my process or my progress, she'd bring up mental health concerns or get frustrated and the conversation would devolve.
She said
she wanted to tell our family and friends about what is happening to me and that she "feels isolated and needs people to talk about it with". I asked her plainly not to, but after several conversations and her continued asking, my fear that it would happen anyway, so I caved and decided it would be better if I told who I cared to tell before they found out elsewhere. It was probably way too early, but I thought I was doing her a favor by allowing her to more freely process things herself.
Fast forward to now and we have zero contact. She lives on one side of the house and wishes to have no contact with me. I asked her yesterday on her day off, after two weeks of no contact, if shed like to spend 30 minutes together watching a show and she stated "no, I only want to do things I want to do now" and made it clear that she wasnt busy, but wasnt interested. Then said I should leave and find a new place to stay.
That kind of broke the flood gates. After months of giving her time and the benefit of doubt and making excuses for her, I couldnt any longer. I collapsed on my bathroom floor and ugly cried for 30 minutes straight.
I am not grieving for a lost marriage..(even though I obviously wanted it to continue) I think I always knew it was possible and that was something I became okay with early on (if you love someone let them go and all). I am however super distraught that after 10+ years I no longer have my best friend.
I have hit so many huge milestones in the last three months and have many more on the way. I picked my name! Next week I start estrogen! She doesnt know anything about it and doesnt want to, I think, and that saddens me. I mourn the friendship that we could have had. I mourn that the person I was closest to now no longer knows me.
I had this weird and maybe very naive imagined future where we roomed together as bffs in some lavender situation for the next couple years in the home we owned where id be safe to transition in private and she could date freely while we sorted things out and still mutually looked out for each other. I mourn that too ig. (obviously best case would have been to continue our marriage)
I didnt know that everything else in my life would upend, at least not at this pace. I didnt do anything to deserve this treatment.
I deserved grace, patience, and understanding. I dont understand her motives and I dont know if I ever will. I dont know why she wont accept me. At this point she may never. I am left with many questions.
... in better news:
Im so fricken happy. I regret nothing. I am so excited for my future. This adversity is nothing I cant handle. Turns out I am a very strong willed woman.
Anyway. I guess I just wanted it off my chest.
Update:
Tried to write an lengthy apology this morning based off my thoughts to some stuff here and was instead asked to move out by Sunday.
Good on this woman for not taking this shit. Imagine thinking that a 10+ year relationship will still work if one of the people completely changes from one side of the spectrum to the other. The selfishness from troons is what makes it hard for empathetic people to truly care for them, not that they deserve an ounce of kindness.
