heads up i guess i could also use the “relationships” flair since this is primarily about sexual function, but i would appreciate advice more than anything.
i feel viscerally cheated by life. regardless of hormones i go on or surgeries i get, my body will never be that of a cis man. it will never function like a cis man’s. sure, there’s variability in the sexual function of cis men, but the vast majority function in ways i never will. i’ll never be able to experience the sensation of prostate stimulation — even if the homologous structure (skene’s glands) can be stimulated via the ass, i dont think itll ever feel the same. ill never be able to experience
what it’s like to cum so hard your hands overflow. ill never be able to experience eating different things to change the flavor of my cum. ill never be able to experience leaking sticky precum, or shooting loads and being able to show my boyfriend how hard he made me cum. my boyfriend is a cisgender gay guy, but we’re each other’s firsts, so at least there’s no cis guy from his past to compare me to. but i worry so often that he’ll find someone better than me who’s cis and he’ll prefer them. he insists otherwise, and insists he’ll never get tired of me or fed up with me venting about dysphoria, but it’s so goddamn hard to believe. he’s fucked me anally (cant use the other hole due to bad dysphoria and also the fact that it barely self lubricates and cant be penetrated without pain. already got this checked out by the doctor, she said it’s not a concern, and that if i wanted to, i could use stretching devices to make it useable), but so far i havent cummed from it.
i hope that maybe with time and experimentation (we’ve only been able to do it in one position: doggy/face down ass up) that will change, but he feels so inadequate because of it and it makes me feel dysphoric and frustrated. i feel like if i was cis, id be able to cum from it, and i could ride him and cum all over his stomach and he’d know he did a good job and neither of us would feel unfulfilled.
and honestly, i still feel stupid for venting about this. as far as trans guys go, im lucky. im pre-t and i pass both visually and vocally. my junk is about an inch soft and 2 or so inches fully hard, even if it’s kinda thin. but i can jerk off with two fingers like a guy with a micro. i can still enjoy anal, even if i havent been able to cum from it yet. i can ejaculate even if its mostly clear liquid. sometimes its even milky, but i cant tell if that’s from the other hole or not, and that’s gonna go away when i get a vnectomy. though im still dysphoric that said ejaculation happens even before i cum, and doesnt seem to be very different when it happens as i actually cum/orgasm.
i have a strong jaw, wide shoulders, square fingers, a flat, defined stomach and vline. im probably not intersex since my hormone levels were normal and my chromosomes are XX, but i get sensations like when i finish i should be cumming like a cis guy, i can put a finger in my ass and feel a “bulb” like id imagine a prostate feels, and near my perineum and the other hole, on either side, if i press inwards even gently, it hurts like im pushing in my balls. so i dont know, its confusing. i still feel like i cant just be entirely afab, but i dont know.
but even so,
the pain is so crippling that ive been finding it harder to get out of bed or eat or find motivation to do anything. im terrified that even bottom surgery wont be enough (im planning to get meta, but im afraid i wont be as big as id like and wont have a passable dick. but i also cant opt for phallo because id be super dysphoric not to be able to get hard naturally anymore). i hate feeling like ive wasted so much of my life because i wasnt born right and couldnt enjoy a normal cis guy life, especially when it comes to sex stuff.
i hate knowing that in the eyes of so many, ill never be a “real guy,” no matter how i insist i feel or am. i hate knowing that ill never experience many of the things cis guys experience. i hate thinking that even tho my bf and i are in a gay relationship and that’s how society perceives us, our bodies function differently. i dont know what to do anymore. i envy the trans guys who can be so confident and happy in their bodies, and the guys who are proud to have a “boy pussy” or whatever
. i cant be like that. it feels wrong. my body physically feels wrong and disconnected. im so desperate for any kind of advice, honestly. i cant take this shit anymore.
