"The FBI are complicit in people laughing at me on the Internet because a random Kiwi Farmer who may not even be an American national is not in prison at this moment. My nappy dreads are in dire danger."
The great irony here is that Second, Better Jackie and Pat are actually perfect for each other. If Patrick wasn't so ornery, perhaps he could have a runaway whirlwind romance with his true soul mate and leave behind his loveless marriage with Big Nicholas. They could go to Hoolie's and eat meat loaf together, drink shitty American lite beer, threaten various household appliances with federal prison, talk about their mutual hatred for Mango Mussolini, and oink on Twitter. It would be beautiful. Tragically, the machinations of the sinister 'Owen A.' have torn them apart.