dating's hard enough but it really feels like i got lumped with every possible debuff and handicap to make it just completely impossible for me and man. the loneliness is really starting to get to me.
like. it's not like it's easy for just the average person. i'm under no impression that i'd just easily find a partner if i wasn't dealing with all of this shit. i just know it'd be much easier, which doesn't help when i see people in much better circumstances lamenting about how much dating sucks- bc if they're struggling there's no hope for me lol
to start off with being trans and gay makes it extra rough compared to cis and het people. gotta navigate transphobia, homophobia, not knowing if someone is gay or not and if they are gay if they even see me as a man. it's a nightmare.
and then
i'm living in a tiny and i mean TINY village. so tiny that giving more information whatsoever is likely to doxx me. there's next to no queer community in my area. i've looked. it just doesn't exist. anything "nearby" is a pretty significant drive away, and we don't have reliable public transport. which brings me on to yet another difficulty slider i have set to max.
i'm disabled and entirely dependant on my parents. i can't work. i can't learn to drive unless my parents are willing to pay for it which they aren't. i can't leave this complete dead end nightmare place i have to call home. it wouldn't be so bad, if i lived somewhere where there was any sort of community or social life, queer or otherwise, available to me within walking distance. but there isn't. because (gestures vaguely at the rest of this paragraph). and also like...
i feel like most people aren't going to want to deal with me because of all this. i can't pay for anything for myself, can't support myself, still entirely dependent on my parents, which might not be so bad if i was younger, but i'm 26. pretty much everyone i know my age has jobs, cars, some semblance of life, and i just don't. i spend all day in my room rotting because i can't do anything else. and it's not likely to change any time soon because it's not like i do this because i'm lazy.
i'm sick and my parents are extremely controlling and treat me like a child.
all this adds up to just feeling like the odds are impossibly stacked against me and it's not worth it to even try. at the same time... god i'm so fucking lonely. i know love and dating isn't the be all end all of life but it was something i always wanted for myself when i thought about my future. and it just seems like one more aspiration i have to give up on because of things beyond my control and it's fucking miserable.
and like... for a long time it was sort of standable because i was so unfathomably unhappy with myself and depressed that i was just sort of apathetic. stupid of me to expect someone else to love me when i can't even love myself sort of thing. but i don't feel like that anymore

mix of starting T and generally taking better care of my mental health has me feeling so much better.
i KNOW i have things to offer the right person. i know i'm at least decent looking and i'm good at making people laugh and supporting them emotionally where i can't financially. i'd be a good partner for someone out there. but my chances of actually meeting someone are so astronomically slim and i don't know how to change that or if i even should try to change that, or if i should just keep on hoping things will eventually change and get better. i don't even know what i'm hoping through making this post because i'm not sure what advice anyone could even give me but i just needed to get it off my chest i guess in the hope that screaming into the void might make me feel a little better.