when I was out of control and so far from normal,
Anna wrote this line. She had some very slight insight that she was out of control and not normal, but these glimmers of reality are like specks of dust in a ray of sun. They easily disappear and are waved away. She also rewrites her abnormalities as quirky or creative rather than the serious psychological problems they are.
I imagine nobody has come forward because nobody remembers Anna. She was the ugly, badly dressed fat kid and so in awe of popularity that she probably never opened her mouth. She was like wallpaper with eyes. I also think Anna imagined bullying in every unintentional glance, in every girl who laughed nearby. I’m not Mormon but if the sweet culture plays a role than maybe she wasn’t attacked or had items thrown at her, was just completely invisible, which for her is worse. There was no sandwich, just like there was no guy who threatened her out of New York after her Gillette commercial. . She ate alone daily and she only spoke to the popular girls to kiss ass about their outfits, and they ignored her.
She blossomed in college, she said, which likely means that’s where the obnoxious, overcompensating behavior began.
I doubt any of these stories are completely true but even if parts of them are, the fact that she hasn’t updated her thought process and analyzed where she went wrong in these situations is telling. It’s just ‘Anna good, everybody else mean’, just like today. Especially with the letter story; the fact that she can’t recognize how sick and needy she was, how it had to be a popular girl she poured her heart out to, not another nobody like her, says a lot about her values and manipulations. She didn’t want to be heard or have a friend, she wanted to be accepted by this group and used trauma to do it. When she dismisses the other young girl as monstrous for not accepting her instantly shows her deep-rooted disorder-even if the story is not true. It’s sick, it almost doesn’t matter.
The way she described how much she hated those kids after the letter incident reminded me of school shooter thoughts. (Not saying she’d be a shooter, just the misplaced rage feels similar.). If she’d written that down back then there might have been a different outcome for Anna-some mental health help or guidance.
My fanfiction about the moped story is that Anna semi-stalked this girl throughout childhood and because their parents were friends the girl had to put up with her. Ashley probably didn’t want to renew the friendship in college to see how Anna had changed, as Anna seemed excited about, and Ashley also didn’t want to play Barbies again. They saw each other “often” but not too often, Anna assures us, but it was often, they were friends. She uses often three times in two sentences.
So we come to the fateful event that causes Anna’s lifelong distrust of humanity. I imagine Ashley did not want to take Anna on the bike that day and likely said no or made excuses. Anna guilted her into it, couldn’t lean into the curve as Ashley feared which caused the crash. Anna blithely says she’ll pay for damage and leaves but for all we know the bike was totaled and Ashley was injured. Anna said she made some attempts at apologizing, but we’ve all seen psychosomatic shrimp, and we know Anna blamed Ashley. Ashley had thought she was free of Anna after high school but due to proximity in college gave her another chance, but this situation ended it. And of course, Ashley is at fault and hurt Anna so badly she is untrusting to this day.
Anna’s entire life she’s been a victim: her dad not letting her have cookies, the popular kids not seeing her greatness, mystery illnesses that make her fat and nobody understanding how hard she has it, and now the reactors who have discovered her and are misunderstanding her. She gave a lecture once to Citibank (I think) on how to handle haters, but Anna is at a loss when it’s her own life and she takes none of her own advice.
Sad, pathetic, from beginning to end. It’s clear no revelation or change is coming. Social media is how she makes money so she can’t quit yet (unless she has enough investments, but she did mention how expensive these procedures are.) The bitterness will grow. Should be interesting.
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