NSFW: sexually explicit talk.
As the title says, for 21 years, since puberty, I have been questioning if I am a male to female transgender woman.
At around 12 years old when my body began to change (body hair, deeper voice, masculine features) mentally I felt extremely uncomfortable with the changes. It wasn’t fair. But I buried those feelings deep down inside and ignored them.
As the years went by, each time I looked in the mirror I couldn’t stand the way my body looked. And still can’t. I shower with the lights off, avoid reflections and mirrors, etc.
One activity that would take me away from those feelings was porn and I was quickly addicted. I couldn’t stop. The pleasure eased the pain of femininity I was trying to bury. It was my escape three, four, five times a day.
That’s important as it brings me to about a year ago where I accepted myself as a woman and free my thoughts and feelings. It felt incredible and my addiction, while it never went away, eased to a normal amount. My body and mind felt in sync.
The doubts about being a woman swim through my head every day. These include:
My porn addiction. I am afraid that seeing trans women in these videos and wanting with every fiber of my being to be them has altered my brain into thinking me being trans is only a sexual fetish.
Being sexually attracted to women (though I am pansexual)
Not thinking, talking, walking, acting like every woman I know. Having a different thought process in certain instances.
I absolutely love hyper feminine things such as skirts, dresses, makeup, nails, heels. And I feel best when I am in those clothes, but it feels like I am forcing a female stereotype.
Having days where I am ok with continuing my life as it is along with having crippling days of gender dysphoria.
Sorry for the long rambling. This is just something I need to get out of my head and into the universe. Any feedback would be helpful.