💼 Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

[LifeAlert]

So for him to recognize that he likely won't even see 70 is a profound moment of honesty from Jack.

As hilarious as Jack is as a lolcow, if you strip away the funny and look at the lives of him and his family it's just depressing. He had many opportunities to turn his life around and he rejected them all with prejudice, he doubled down on the shitty diet. His family hates him (except maybe Jack Jr) and are waiting for him to die. He never succeeded at anything except breaking the Guinness World Record for "Most Survived Strokes" because his real passion is to gorge on food all day every day.

His sauces were shit. He is a shit cook. He blew his 15 minutes of fame on that redneck bootleg of Shark Tank. Guy Fieri ghosted him. Food Network ghosted him. He still holds on to the sunk cost of YouTube because he has nothing else other than Hammy's paycheck. The only people who will remember him fondly are the people who laugh at, not with, him and his videos. No one will remember him fondly for who he was as a person because he was the ultimate Daren, waddling into every restaurant in town, shoving his camera in your face, demanding free refills and sauce then refusing to tip and giving an F- when his tantrums fell on deaf ears.

When he's filming his last Jack on the Go and he's deepthroating his last footlong sub as his muscles freeze, the Wendigo leaps out of his body, and his soul descends into the great overcooker down below, I wonder if he will second guess himself on whether shoveling Arby's down his gullet for each passing second of each day was worth it.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Jack you're too busy thinking about food, so don't even lie



More Elon/Trump dickriding




Jack I'm pretty sure they don't believe the same lizard people conspiracies as you do



What the fuck is this advice, don't people like having a Valentine's Dinner at night, isn't nighttime commonly seen as romantic

 

[charlesdickens]

When's the last time he shared his weight, blood pressure, and glucose stats like he said he was doing to show that his Carnivore diet is really working?

 

[Adamska]

So, per Jack's latest and perhaps accidentally-uploaded video, he's making shoofly pie (a brown sugar and molasses dessert pie) - Meaning he'll be editing around eating half the pie and pretending he didn't. As always, I really enjoyed watching Tammy push his wheelchair around the store and occasionally bump him into things while he tries to avoid filming the chair or otherwise spoiling the illusion that he walks just fine while standing at four feet tall and needing everything right in front of his face read or described to him in the manner of a special needs child on a field trip.

Oh this might be funny, since shoofly pie can and has tripped people up since you need to pick the correct type of molasses for the flavor aspect. Even the gay baking guy fucked it up since most people just say "molasses" without specifying the type. I would not be shocked if Jack picks Blackstrap for this. In fact there's a dark hope I have he does.

Chef Brian Tao is great too and their show is a little on the edgier side because they'll often make inappropriate jokes (by YouTube's gay standards anyway).

Nah, the faggot paywalls his content behind begmeon and cuts like half the reaction. I ducked out when I noticed that. He's still one of the better reactors in spite of it, though not as great as PCTLM for that stuff.

 

[Slavic Patronym]

Jack tweet: RFK JR.

Add this to the list of Jack's crimes against humanity: He doesn't use the Shift key to write a capitalized phrase as short as "RFK" but instead hits caps lock first. That still capitalized 'r' reveals all!

Wait, now I realize that's because Shift + typing requires use of both hands. Ah, well.

 

[Pig Cups]

Then Jack would get all red and demand to know where the bathroom is, growling "COME ON, TAMMY" as she looks to the ceiling, shuts her eyes, and begins rolling plastic livestock insemination gloves up to her elbows. While being wheeled toward the toilet, Jack would grab a ziplock bag containing bleeding cubes of chuck roast and cheddar cheese; so he would have something to hold him over while Tammy works his gunt over with a rolling pin to stimulate a BM of hard cheese and blood with the color and consistency of Nesquik strawberry syrup. Note: Jack would rotate his hat 180* and say "Toilet Mode."

In Jack's case, a rolling pin wouldn't work. To pass a stool in the above situation, Jack would require assistance from a hydraulic press. Or perhaps a law enforcement battering ram.

Not his usual chicken roulette where so far he's lucked out and the ball has never landed in the salmonella slot.

Fuck salmonella, I want to see Jack end up with the less memeable form of food poisoning- campylobacteriosis. Raw chicken is a common vector for it, and it makes you piss out your asshole in agony, in addition to suffering from vomiting and feverishness.

Source: friend of mine who ate a chopped caesar salad from a restaurant kitchen that didn't properly wash their cutting board after it had contact with raw poultry.

Jack uploaded a JoTG to Twitter a day early. Him pronouncing "Lodge" as Lowge made the final cut, even after he corrects himself to later edit out his mispronunciation.

A4AcFR377002Qmze.mp4

I love how pussywhipped and useless Jack sounds during the exchange at 2:00:
J: "Oooh, french g-[?]...cappuccino up there."
T: "Mm?"
J: "That one's shurgar-free, honey."
T: "Mm?"
J: "Wanna grab one?" (translation: "Please please pretty please can you buy this, MommyWife???")
T: "No, I'm good."
J: ...'Kay...

Also, the look of exasperation from Tammy's mom at 1:25 is beautiful. It's like she's overcome with second-hand disgust and embarrassment once the man-toddler in his stroller (that she's partially chaperoning) enters her field of vision. She probably realizes that, as an amish-owned business, they don't take too kindly to obnoxious camera usage.

 

[souschef]

More Elon/Trump dickriding

Yeah, nothing more anti deepstate than giving a billionaire businessman power, give him a governmental agency to illegaly spy on people. So damn epic, the woke people are mad over it, so that means its good! I hope the glowniggers leak your gay porn stash

 

[biggacracka]

When he's filming his last Jack on the Go and he's deepthroating his last footlong sub as his muscles freeze, the Wendigo leaps out of his body, and his soul descends into the great overcooker down below, I wonder if he will second guess himself on whether shoveling Arby's down his gullet for each passing second of each day was worth it.

"Wow! So I'm going to hell just because I lived a life of sin and never repented? Thanks MOM!"
t. Jack, upon being judged by the Lord

 

[Doctor of Autism]

Yeah, nothing more anti deepstate than giving a billionaire businessman power, give him a governmental agency to illegaly spy on people. So damn epic, the woke people are mad over it, so that means its good! I hope the glowniggers leak your gay porn stash

Its funny too because Jack was super happy and fine with Elon having access to all his personal information while also showing how anti-deepstate he is with how he begged a CIA guy to get on his cooking show

 

[Slavic Patronym]

When's the last time he shared his weight, blood pressure, and glucose stats like he said he was doing to show that his Carnivore diet is really working?

As Jack gently reminded us, trivialities like "weight" and "blood pressure" and "sugar" do not matter. As his brother reassured him, all that matters is how he feels.

Cardiologists don't want you to know this because they get paid based on how many people they kill, but if you answer these simple questions correctly, it means your heart is healthy:

• Does your mind feel "a little clearer"?
• Does your voice feel "a little better"?
• Do you feel "normal"?
• Do you feel "amazing"?
• Do you only have to blow your nose once a day now?
• Do you have more "balance" and "confidence" when you hold onto the wall?
• Are you motivated to buy an alligator?

P.S. He says his weight is 267. Even if we make him as short as we can with this chart (and there is no way he is 5'7), Jack is deep within the most doomed corner of the chart.

 

[Doctor of Autism]

>25 hour days

 

[She Brings The Rain]

He'll bitch and moan when his daddy Trump shows up on the list


There's two kinds of react videos: lazy slop where the youtuber won't add anything to it, and transformative content, where the youtuber will actually add meaningful commentary to what's been reacted to. Jack must hate react videos because there's plenty of youtuber (real) chefs reacting to his videos, where they not only vivisect him over his gross incompetence, but will give real advices on what to do (or what not to do), showcasing in detail Jacks mistakes making these kinds of videos a true spotlight to his ignorance and how bad he is at cooking. Jacks just assblasted that a react video can teach way more then he "taught" over 20 years on the platform:

https://youtube.com/watch?v=6bZ_1NeCoyg

I normally ignore react videos, but these are the type I like. He's talking about the food and teaching you how not to be a retard without trying too hard to be funny (leave it to the Kiwis).

I forgot how unnerving Jack used to be when he had two functioning eyes, because he does not fucking blink. Force yourself to go back to when he bit the burger and watch his eyes.

 

[Falcon Sebben]

He's also wrong about almost everything, and somehow unerringly manages to mock Jack for the one right thing he does in a video.

August was a faggot who knew nothing about cooking and it felt like he was just going after low hanging fruit.

August? Yeah, this cocky faggot tried to mock jack for toasting rice as if it wasn't one of the few things right he has done on his videos. Toasting rice is actually a good practice in cooking. I hate when people speak with such confidence about stuff they know nothing about. That's why when i watch react videos about Jack i stick with the professionals

Can't make risotto without toasting that rice a bit. Or hell just making rice normally it's always good to give it a bit of heat before adding your liquid.

When's the last time he shared his weight, blood pressure, and glucose stats like he said he was doing to show that his Carnivore diet is really working?

He wasn't able to show any progress so he stopped posting his numbers.

Wait, now I realize that's because Shift + typing requires use of both hands. Ah, well.

Yeah... except he uses text to speech. Fatty hasn't typed in years because he's a lazy asshole.

EDIT: double post.

 

[Shartavius]

Oh this might be funny, since shoofly pie can and has tripped people up since you need to pick the correct type of molasses for the flavor aspect.

Even though Jack filmed himself specifically picking out unsulphured molasses because the recipe called for it, he doesn't know how to cook, or even what the pie should taste like. You already know he's going to claim it came out "perfect", despite it being hideously burnt and probably the wrong color and texture.

 

[Uber driver reviewer]

From Jack's twatter:

https://archive.ph/DwbB5

https://archive.ph/nzxnk

lol Junior hasn’t accomplished anything

He’s a waste of a human

 

[AltisticRight]

He's also wrong about almost everything, and somehow unerringly manages to mock Jack for the one right thing he does in a video.

I remember him lambasting Scalfatty for toasting his risotto rice and I just closed the video.

What the fuck is this advice, don't people like having a Valentine's Dinner at night, isn't nighttime commonly seen as romantic

Needing a day to reaffirm love is vapid gay consumerism anyway. Scalfatty manages to have the most dimwitted take regardless.
Celebrating Valentine's before 5pm? Does Jack know of this thing, called you know, a job?
No he doesn't. And he's fat.

Fuck salmonella, I want to see Jack end up with the less memeable form of food poisoning- campylobacteriosis. Raw chicken is a common vector for it, and it makes you piss out your asshole in agony, in addition to suffering from vomiting and feverishness.

I want to see Scalfatty get botulism, though I don't think we can even tell because he already has retard googly eyes and slurs his speech.

 

[souschef]

I forgot how unnerving Jack used to be when he had two functioning eyes, because he does not fucking blink. Force yourself to go back to when he bit the burger and watch his eyes.

He's psyching himself up to take a bite. There's a video, i think it's the "cheese salad" one where he actually hesitates before biting into the mess he made up

 

[Adamska]

Even though Jack filmed himself specifically picking out unsulphured molasses because the recipe called for it, he doesn't know how to cook, or even what the pie should taste like. You already know he's going to claim it came out "perfect", despite it being hideously burnt and probably the wrong color and texture.

Oh no you don't understand; he still might be fucked depending on what grade of molasses he bought. Shoofly pie is most often made with either first molasses (light stuff and the sweetest), or second molasses (also called medium or dark; a bit more bitter and having more of that taste). What interests me is if he was dumb enough to buy blackstrap molasses, which is way too bitter and salty to easily use for this sort of thing, and that one's a lot more common these days.

I'm not surprised he got it unsulphured, since it's actually harder to get sulphured these days; I was wondering if he got the wrong type for this dish, and I think there's decent odds there.

 

[Shartavius]

What interests me is if he was dumb enough to buy blackstrap molasses, which is way too bitter and salty to easily use for this sort of thing

Of course he did:



My point was that the matter of using the right or wrong kind of molasses in a Jack Scalfani recipe is moot - His sole reason for filming himself baking this pie incompetently is that it's an excuse for him to eat an entire jar of molasses, then pretend that he didn't. Even if Jack had every, correct ingredient provided by someone else, he would still bake it into something resembling bubbling elephant shit, then lie about how "amazing" his failure tastes while awkwardly pretending to stand by resting his cauldron of an ascites gut on a slice of tree stump.

This and the subsequent video are nothing more than a mentally retarded man with diabetes scheming to eat something he has no business buying in the first place. In fact, that's the reason for his entire "media company": Jack films his excuses for eating things he's not allowed to, and feels like the smartest man alive because he's gauging his success solely through overeating, even when everything else in the video is an embarrassing failure. He thinks he's slick for eating whatever he wants in this manner; never inferring that no one in a position to stop him wants him to live.

 

[Adamska]

My point was that the matter of using the right or wrong kind of molasses in a Jack Scalfani recipe is moot - His sole reason for filming himself baking this pie incompetently is that it's an excuse for him to eat an entire jar of molasses, then pretend that he didn't. Even if Jack had every, correct ingredient provided by someone else, he would still bake it into something resembling bubbling elephant shit, then lie about how "amazing" his failure tastes while awkwardly pretending to stand by resting his cauldron of an ascites gut on a slice of tree stump.

I now want him to show me a burned shoofly pie with the molasses literally like coal.