maybe I shall tell the traniversary story to wind down a bit
So, 2019, I had moved away from a long-term abusive relationship AND one of my beloved cats died. I was very much in a liminal space, personally
Earlier in the year, Emily St James had written a thing coming out, and she had been my boss at the AV Club and had other similarities to me so I was like "well, if she can do it? why not me?" But my brain was very much not ready for full transition so I decided I was non-binary
For me personally, being non-binary was never really sufficient. I sort of internally expected something to CHANGE when I wasn't a man, but how I felt and how other people treated me was pretty much the same, I just got "they'd" sometime.
The exception was experimenting with femme clothes, etc
I'd also gotten in a relationship that year that was, in retrospect, the last thing that was really buttressing my previous sense of self. A month or so before full self-acceptance, she broke up with me, and I just mentally collapsed
I couldn't figure out why but the breakup just took over my thoughts and my life. Just a constant intrusive thought for like six weeks. no fun for me or anyone around me. it DID make me seek out a therapist, who did say she could help with gender issues
so I had my second session with the therapist on December 27th (nice of her to work on the week between holidays!). The first 1.8 sessions were like, me talking about the thing that was dominating my thoughts. Then at the end of the session she was like "so you also said you had some gender stuff"
so I start explaining, I'm non-binary, it's easier for me to present as masc but I can find it more rewarding to present as femme
and she does a therapist "uh-huh" and shifts slightly in her seat
and that slight shifting of weight just makes my brain explode with "OH SHIT YOU'RE A GIRL SHE'S READ YOU FOR GIRLHOOD THIS IS THE MOST OBVIOUS GIRLNESS TO EVER GIRL JESUS CHRIST WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU"
and so that evening, I get home, cannot escape the conclusion in any way whatsoever, and self-accept.
and the anxiety, the intrusive thoughts, they just disappear. breakup? no longer the most important thing in the universe. was all just my brain refusing to admit the obvious
and obviously i still have anxiety and i still don't love getting broken up with but the way it was all added up to "my brain is throwing literally anything it can in my way to prevent me from transitioning" still impresses me
Two months later I got on hormones. Two and a half months later the pandemic officially hit the US. Five months later I was diagnosed with my disability.
so it hasn't been the world's most fun five years but, still better than going through it without self-acceptance.