🍗 Deathfat Tess Holliday / Ryann Maegen Hoven - Beached Landwhale model, Body positive and social justice snacktivist, and gigantic fraud

[Trombonista]

Hopefully poor Bowie is at the very least allowed to ride the couch, because if he's stuck next to Tess and her loud choking deathfat sleep apnea snores all night, that kid is never getting a proper night's sleep either.

Imagine if Tess rolled over in her sleep.

 

[yousoundlikeanasshole]

Wow, jolene isn't coming to save her? Tess is gonna have to do something herself?

 

[The Hardest R]

Ironic, coming from someone who has always had the attitude of “what have you done for me lately?” Her continuously begging for help is squarely at odds with her persona of being a high in demand supermodel. Can’t see Christie Brinkley or Naomi Campbell homeless in a hotel begging for people to do work for her for free.

 

[FuckDuckSeagull]

Wow, jolene isn't coming to save her? Tess is gonna have to do something herself?

That lonely lil kettlebell LMAO.

 

[My cravat doesn't flutter]

Of all the wtf about these photo choices, the pants give me the biggest wtf of all

View attachment 6558121

What in the LuLaRoe am I looking at?

 

[Clotso Coof]

Wow, jolene isn't coming to save her? Tess is gonna have to do something herself?

All that deathfat clothing, with its high polyester content, having been sweated all over in the LA sunshine. Imagine the smell. That room must be rank.

 

[Angry New Ager]

Wow, jolene isn't coming to save her? Tess is gonna have to do something herself?

Jolene has successfully escaped Tess's gravitational pull. She found love, ran off to Oakland, and while she's still in touch with Tess, she's no longer there to do babysitter/assistant/rescuer duties.

Jolene taking Tess and Bowie in after she and Nick broke up (and possibly got evicted from the place they shared) had to put a massive strain on their relationship.

When Jolene's sister Lizette (who we'd never heard about before) died, and Tess was making a huge public display of grief at the loss of her "best friend" (who, for some reason, she couldn't be bothered to go visit on her last trip to Las Vegas), I can't imagine that went over too well with Jolene, who had actually been there, constantly interrupting her own life, to help Tess. Clearly, Jolene had been demoted from "best friend" status, and suddenly Lizette was Tess's rock.

Tess had two pieces of memorial jewelry made from a lock of Lizette's hair; one to keep, and the other for "Lizette's sister"—a coldly impersonal way of referring to the woman who had always been there for her.

Honestly, I'm surprised Jolene is still in contact with Tess at all; that's some serious loyalty and ability to forgive. But I guess it's a lot easier to do that from 400 miles away, when she's no longer on-call to solve Tess's problems.

 

[Clotso Coof]

Tess had two pieces of memorial jewelry made from a lock of Lizette's hair; one to keep, and the other for "Lizette's sister"—a coldly impersonal way of referring to the woman who had always been there for her.

Nasty as fuck to call Jolene "Lizette's sister" like she could barely remember who the sister was. Tess might be one of those people who secretly resents people who have helped her.

Honestly, I'm surprised Jolene is still in contact with Tess at all; that's some serious loyalty and ability to forgive. But I guess it's a lot easier to do that from 400 miles away, when she's no longer on-call to solve Tess's problems.

Jolene is probably codependent to a crippling degree, as evidenced by supporting an unemployed Tess in her own 1 bedroom apartment. I hope Jolene's new husband protects her from fat leeches.

But I hope Jolene is just pretending to be Tess' long distance friend to get the inside scoop on her ongoing karma disaster. Maybe its schadenfreude and Jolene is drinking a nice glass of wine while laughing at Tess.

 

[Dafuqisdis?]

You’d think but sadly lots of 500+ pounders have unfortunately become pregnant anyways.

I've seen massive chicks on mobility scooters hauling around toddlers. It definitely happens.

 

[Miltank]

Can’t reply to @Gay Mouth for some reason but here’s some sources about death fat pregnancies:

https://www.nytimes.com/2008/07/13/magazine/13wwln-essay-t.html

https://www.iheart.com/content/2017-08-27-nurse-lifts-500-pound-pregnant-womans-belly-for-closer-look-at-ultrasound/

Can’t be fucked to look more

There were also several pregnancies of women on MSHPL

 

[The Hardest R]

Tubbers doesn’t really know what friendship means. She just thinks they are people to take advantage of. Recall that Tess passive aggressively bitched about Jolene hanging out with friends in 2020 by whining about muh social distancing. She wanted Jolene home with her so she can have Jolene all to herself so she could commiserate with her and/or watch Bowie so she could go out and about. Once Jolene moved, she took full advantage of Lizette, not even acknowledging her on social media until she was dead, and Tess started blubbering about her because she was the last one who willingly did things for Tess for free.

Jolene is probably one of those types who can’t let friendships go but no way in hell is she going to stick her neck out for Ryann. Sending a half assed apartment request is as much effort as she is willing to put in. I can easily imagine Tubbers begging Jolene to stay up in Oakland “for a few days” and I’m glad Jolene is sticking to her guns on this.

 

[Reepicheep]

slight powerlevel, but a while back i found out by sheer coincidence that i have a irl mutual with jolene & lizette, and i asked if he knew who tess is,when he asked how do i know of jolene and told him about tess, anyway mutual friend doesnt know who tess is,which means jolene never aknowledge her to them & shes known my friend for way longer than tess. he laughed when i showed him tess' ig and told him a tldr, but he said jolene is awesome and very much loved by everyone.

 

[blue gopher snakes]

Jolene probably is codependent. They tend to be easy prey for narcissists like Tess because they’re fixers who take in strays and can’t say no. I hope she’s gotten better at establishing boundaries for herself over the years. Codependents tend to be well-liked in their social circles because they’ll drive you to the airport at 3am, bake a casserole for your sick grandma, and pick your sister up from the mechanic last minute. It’s exhausting being that person.

The best protection (aside from gaining self-awareness and learning better coping skills) is to marry a down-to-earth man who can patiently tell you that no, this time isn’t different than all the others and you’re not allowed to rescue any more bitches with sob stories. Having a man to “blame” when the Tesses of the world hit you up in their latest time of crisis is the equivalent of big vats of hot tar and a moat full of alligators for old timey castles: hopefully the enemy is neutralized before they get that far but it’s better to be prepared just in case.

A dramatic, fictional scene of a codependent enforcing a boundary:

Jolene, getting off the phone after a 2-hour call with Tess: pours a glass of wine and tells her man, “Tell me I’m not allowed to let Tess and Bowie crash on our couch for a year again.”

Man replies, without looking up from watching reels of OSHA fails, weld porn, and power washing videos on Instagram, “You’re not allowed to let Tess and Bowie crash on our couch for a year again.”

Jolene lets out a sigh, takes a swig of wine, and composes a text to Tess on her phone: “Hey girl, I just wanted to get back to you right away. I would love to help but (husband) says I can’t put you and Bowie up in the house because then he can’t smooch me on the couch. Lol men! I could post on my Facebook for you tho, and see if anyone had a lead on an apartment?”

Her stomach twists in guilty knots, even through the relief, and she stares at the “…” on her screen indicating Tess is typing her reply. Jolene is SURE Tess is going to freak out and send back a huge block of angry text.

Phone pings with an alert. 1 new text message, Tess Hooliday:

“No worries, girlie, I get it! Yeah that’d be great, thanks!”

Crisis averted, Jolene drains the wineglass and puts her feet in Man’s lap, completely drained and relieved that she isn’t in the crosshairs of Tess’ narc rage after all.

 

[My cravat doesn't flutter]

Tess dependa arc incoming? I think that would fit her personality and girth perfectly.

I thought that "dependa" was a typo and you meant to say Depends. Like you were suggesting her next supamodel gig would be for adult diapers. Honestly, a colossal piece of shit advertising diapers would be comedy gold.

 

[The Hardest R]

The best protection (aside from gaining self-awareness and learning better coping skills) is to marry a down-to-earth man who can patiently tell you that no, this time isn’t different than all the others and you’re not allowed to rescue any more bitches with sob stories.

Jolene had that man in the form of Digger Darren. I don’t know if he’s still around but seemed like her quality of life improved with him and moving away from Tess to live with him in Oakland.

 

[Twrx]

I thought that "dependa" was a typo and you meant to say Depends. Like you were suggesting her next supamodel gig would be for adult diapers. Honestly, a colossal piece of shit advertising diapers would be comedy gold.

A diaper is more useful than most dependas.

 

[multiverse]

Wow, jolene isn't coming to save her? Tess is gonna have to do something herself?

Jesus, that is a photo of total chaos, all caued by Ryann herself. There is no earthly reason why she had to tornado her belongings around her old apartment, when packing those same clothes into boxes or suitcases would have taken less effort than scattering them around the living room. And if these clothes were in storage before, why not just leave them in the same boxes?

I've known a couple of women who manage to make every life change into complete chaos like this, and it's not pretty when they've run off all the people who used to rescue them. And all of the chaos is for nothing.

It's going to cost Tess way more money and time to attempt to store, wash, steam, haul, and sell her hoard in sad bits and pieces than it would to just throw the crap away. God help the person who proposes that to her.

 

[OttoWest]

wash, steam

Those clothes are going to be stewing in 5+ years of Eau de Tess.

 

[multiverse]

Those clothes are going to be stewing in 5+ years of Eau de Tess.

Oh for sure. But part of the chaos is the INTENT to wash everything in advance of the next swap meet. One load might get done in between the frantic food orders, "sorting" the clothes so she can caress her hoard items one last time, moving things hither and thither but never being boxed up, stopping to sit and text, then the food arrives, then they're taking a break to eat the food, now it's ten PM and they're drinking, it's four AM and everything still looks like the FBI tossed the joint...

 

[Soup Sammiches]

Those clothes are going to be stewing in 5+ years of Eww de Tess.

Ftfy.