The Cole Smithey Thread

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I wasted a few brain cells scrolling through Cole's reviews, and he actually seems to agree with the critical consensus most of the time. His opinion only really differs if he thinks it will seem edgy or if he's reviewing a popcorn-flick. Cole may give good reviews to bad movies sometimes, but never anything he sees as too "mainstream."

While reading some of his "Classic Film Pick" reviews, I came to a conclusion: Cole is the male version of Harriet Klausner. If you don't know who Harriet Klausner is, she was featured in Time Magazine and claims to read a book a day, sometimes more. She's written thousands of book reviews on Amazon, and was at one time ranked #1 reviewer. She didn't really read any of the books though, she would just copy/paste a basic synopsis of the book, sometimes getting important details wrong.

It looks like that's what Cole is doing. It's especially apparent on his reviews of older films. He doesn't really even review those films, he just states the basic plot of the movie, adds some buzz-words, and then tells some bullshit trivia he got off of Wikipedia. Take his review of Performance, he calls it Mick Jagger's "first film acting performance," when Mick Jagger was in Ned Kelly which was filmed and released before Performance. Seriously Cole, you couldn't have checked IMDb before you released that review?
 
Alec Benson Leary said:
^Ooh, I got one. "Wanting a life they don't have".
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To be fair, there are way too many people to count who want a better life for themselves. Chris and Cole's problem, however, is that they don't want a better life; they want a Platinum-Encrusted Chocolate-Coated Glamorous Life. Even worse, they believe the only way to get that unobtainable life is to be completely dishonest with themselves.
 
Batman said:
Wouldn't 'can't have' be more accurate?
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The fucked up this is Chris is capable on some level to getting the basics of what he wants. He could get a wife and a kid. Realistically he'll never put the effort into what it takes to get the gears running toward that goal but it's possible in some slim way he might bump into someone and hit it off. The house-husband to a model delusion? No. He could meet another less-than-high functioning girl or one with some other kind of mental disability and crank out a kid while barely scrounging together a living. Chris says he won't date a "slow in the mind" but he's imagining someone who can barely talk. If he met someone much like him intellectually I doubt he'd even pick up on it and if he was eventually informed about it it'd be too late. He'd be smitten just because a girl is showing interest.

Cole? No. He's destined to be a less than mediocre critic because he doesn't know that is what he is. Someone could call him a hack with no real audience but in his mind he's just underground with a cult following. Cole is less likely to succeed because he has bigger ambitions than Chris.
 
Henry Bemis said:
To be fair, there are way too many people to count who want a better life for themselves. Chris and Cole's problem, however, is that they don't want a better life; they want a Platinum-Encrusted Chocolate-Coated Glamorous Life.
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Well, I guess that's what I really meant.

The irony is, in a certain fashion, they each want the life that the other has.
 
Da Pickle Monsta said:
I'm a bit of a history nut and it irritates the hell out of me that so many people seem to think that World War II pretty much involved only Pearl Harbor, D-Day, and Hiroshima. I once heard somebody right out deny that US troops were ever in North Africa.
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I remember Cole writing something along the lines of the Normandy invasion being widely understood to have been a complete disaster for the Allies. He's not even the smartest film critic in his family.
 
"Batman said something about balding being better than actually being bald since the person has something to work with"

Not really, I personally find chrome domes more aesthetically pleasing than bald patches (not to mention that toupees and comb-overs are awful).
 
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Tubular Monkey said:
I remember Cole writing something along the lines of the Normandy invasion being widely understood to have been a complete disaster for the Allies. He's not even the smartest film critic in his family.
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I would love a link to this.

I just went back and re-read his Toy Story 3 review; his writing is fucking terrible.

Beatty's wolf-in-sheep's-clothing character poses the film's most egregious rendering of a two-faced character who charms the new toys before showing his determinedly dastardly intentions against Buzz Lightyear after buttering up the sometimes heroic astronaut.

The story devolves into a prison escape plot where the toys break character as much as they get their plastic hearts damaged by the cruelty of their treatment by the preschool's other toys. If you're looking for an instructional movie on how to make your kids act like they're bi-polar, here you go.
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Hey guys, if I mash 2-3 ideas together into a technically correct but absurd-sounding sentence I'll look smarter, right?
 
Are we sure Coleslaw's not mentally handicapped in any way? 'Cause I can't make heads nor tails of what he said.
 
I wonder what he does for a living, since it is unlikely he makes much money from his film critic job.

It could be has the position that Chris always coveted: A pampered house husband!
 
Chris is balding pretty heavily, so that's not something Cole wants. Besides, no one want's Chris' disgusting hair.
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There was one old "Chris Classic" photo in which he had what appeared to be balding hair, but he claimed it was Barb's doing. Around the Tomgirl era, Chris had grown out his hair, which seems to at least suggest that his balding is going slowly.

Besides, is Cole completely bald, or does he just shave it that way to look smarter?
 
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