TW/ Internal Transphobia -- We're T4T, but my partner is getting top surgery and I am spiraling Trigger Warning (
self.mypartneristrans)
submitted 7 hours ago by
lumber_jacked
I just want to start out by saying that it has been hard to find a space where I can examine the extreme grief I am feeling and also the respect I have for my partner's identity at large and my desire to support them completely and without reservation. I am hurting. I am saying all this with love and the desire to do the work and heal, and with the hope of minimizing my partner's engagement in this internal mess.
My partner (28/AFAB/NB ) and I (26/AFAB/NB) are both non-binary people who have been dating for about 2 years. We are both in therapy. Our lives are joyfully intertwined and we are making moves to live together. When we first met, we were both comfortably out as gender non-conforming people and supported one another through both of our name changes within the first 6 months of knowing one another. Not sure if it's relevant but they're very androgynous and I was on the futch but masc presenting spectrum when we first got together. We used to connect so deeply and openly about dysphoria and presentation struggles. In our conversations and our intimate encounters I found understanding and care I had only dreamed of, and the feedback I received indicated that I offered the same space for them.
In the past year, after a lot of anxiety, waffling back and forth, and indecision, they pursued a prescription for T but ultimately decided against using it because of fertility concerns and the lack of control in results. As they initially pursued this and aired their debilitating indecision, a feeling of fear and disconnection in me began to grow.
Early in our relationship, my brewing gender panic flourished into peace -- I felt seen, respected, and like I was trans enough. Our bond was was a miraculous bubble in which my dysphoria basically withered and died. I didn't care who misgendered me out in the world and I could present any way I wanted with their love and support, which extended into our shared community (which includes a lot of other trans and gender diverse people). I started getting comfortable and re-discovering my wardrobe (lot of my old, more femme favorites), I let my hair grow long again, and I started wearing jewelry again. I didn't feel the pressing need to distinguish my masculinity to have it recognized anymore.
When T didn't pan out for them, they started researching top surgery, then pursuing consultations. I was nodding on the outside but felt something kind of break inside me. I accompanied them to quite a few of these but found myself pacing and even throwing up at one point outside the hospital building because I was so distraught. I feel like they are leaving me behind and I am stuck in a hyper feminine shell which felt cozy and fine until they decided this was what they needed to do for themself and now it feels in a weird way like I am saying goodbye. I want them to feel euphoria, they are so sweet and kind and I really would do anything to protect them from pain. This has clearly become a source of pain for them. Which makes the blockage here all the more confusing.
They hang out with a lot of their exes who have gotten top surgery and it feels like an impenetrable bubble.. like all of them are in this elite club of slim, handsome, *unquestionably passing* trans guys that I will never set foot in. I am jealous and angry that I can't compete with these people, but my body is larger and more shapely and I will honestly never get the same seamless results from HRT or gender affirming procedures. My partner, like their previous partners, is thin and looks very masculine already and will definitely have few problems continuing to socially transitioning after this. Sometimes I see people who once resembled me now late in transition now and I recognize what could be my future and feel like I am dying inside.
My partner is understandably hurt and shutting me out because I am obviously a little distressed about this new part of themself they've discovered. I suddenly feel like since we've met I've regressed in my identity and have no idea who am I or what I want.
I will miss this reality I came to know where it was okay to be non-binary in my current form. I worry once they are recovered from this procedure I will compare myself to them forever. I'm not sure I'll be even able to be intimate with them.
It's worth nothing that I don't really feel this way about any of our other trans friends -- I am happy for them and feel love and pride for them. I even find a lot of them hot. IDK.
I am just counting down the days until my partner's impending surgery date, internally fearing that I will not be able to be there to care for them and that our relationship will very likely collapse over this before we even get there. We want (wanted?) to get married, and have kids, and I am ashamed that I can't handle this.
The irony is that I am extremely acts of service oriented and basically designed to help a loved one through top surgery recovery -- I want so badly to be someone they can confide in and a source of support. But I feel despair, heartbreak and left behind. I feel like I took their affirmation and our mutuality too far and grew to depend on it without even realizing it.
I just feel really, really lost. And like I will miss them when they're on the other side. Any stories of navigating this would be much apprciated.
