Dear How to Do It,
My partner “Chris” and I have been together for 6 years, and I recently learned something shocking. We were splitting a bottle of wine and started talking about things in our past that would surprise the other. Chris certainly won: He told me that he had sex several times with his own mother, “Sheila.” She had been recently divorced (from her second husband, not his father), and was going through a dry spell. They tried it once on an impulse, and both enjoyed it, so they kept doing it until the rush wore off. To put this in perspective, he was in his early 20s and she was in her early 40s. We are both in our 30s now.
Chris said that he wasn’t traumatized by the experience, and I believe him. They still have a warm relationship. Sheila is a lovely woman, and until I learned this I had no trouble seeing her as a mother-in-law. Now I feel like our relationship has completely changed. Whenever I see her, I want to blurt out that I know what they did. (Chris said that I can have a discrete conversation with her about this if I want.) The weird thing is that I feel like we are competing as women now, and she would have something over me if she knew that I knew. Does this make sense? Not to mention that Chris and Sheila violated an ancient taboo. It seems like this should bother me. My relationship my Sheila feels different, but I still feel the same about Chris. I am still thinking about marrying and raising children with him. Am I crazy?
— Not Sure About Being Mrs. Oedipus
Dear Mrs. Oedipus,
No, you aren’t crazy. It would not be surprising if you ran in the other direction upon hearing that your guy had sex with his mother, but to claim that’s the only acceptable reaction is to suggest that he deserves to be stigmatized for life. I don’t think he does. Because what he did—seemingly with no precursor—does violate a widespread taboo that the vast majority of people in our culture just cannot surmount does make me wonder about his overall psychological state/romantic outlook. But it is certainly conceivable for someone to engage in this kind of behavior, not want to do it again, and emerge unscathed just because, well, anything is possible. We can’t say for sure who people are based on their past actions. They, like us, are just people who have pasts.
It’s probably a good idea to do this in general, but what I’d do in your particular case is approach further commitment like buying a used car. Just like it would be foolish to just jump into buying before having a mechanic check it out, I think it would be a mistake to jump into marriage/children without the input of a third party. Ask him if he wants to go to therapy together, talk to the therapist about this exactly, and see what their take is. Another thing to consider is that even if “Chris” and you are square and his sex with his mother simply will not affect your relationship, you still have to deal with his mother, and this information, as you report, has changed how you view her. You describe conflicted feelings, in which you want her to know that you know but at the same time don’t. Understand what you’re signing up for if you marry this guy—at minimum, awkward holidays and other milestone events. Your future with Chris will almost certainly involve her. Even if he never puts his dick anywhere near her again, you’ll probably be reminded of it regularly as long as you’re with him. What you should be asking yourself is: Can you handle that?
Dear How to Do It,
I met my partner about 20 years ago when we were in our early 40s. We were head over heels for each other and the sex was great! He/we never did get cunnilingus figured out, but he had magic fingers so that was fine. His only complaint was that I couldn’t get comfortable with talking during sex (it’s a PTSD thing). But for the first half of our relationship, we embarrassed my kids by acting like kids. As I said, it was great! So here’s the problem: Along the way we’ve had several joint replacements between us, we filed bankruptcy, I developed diabetes, and he developed erectile dysfunction. Oh, and he also developed a mental health disorder with several involuntary hospitalizations. There were years when we just weren’t having sex due to pain, fatigue, and stress on both our parts.
At this point, he’s interested. I’m interested. But he seems to have forgotten everything he ever knew about sex. We’re onboard with lube, toys, and non-PIV fun. Except that he kisses like a baby—you know that slack open mouth thing little kids do? And he consistently forgets that foreplay is a thing. I’m 60, need time to warm up, and foreplay is mandatory as far as I’m concerned. He can’t seem to find my clit or vagina despite coaching and often hurts me accidentally while he tries. I think some of this is related to his meds, which do a great job of keeping him out of the hospital but have major side effects, especially on his memory.
Any suggestions? We are a pair no matter what, but I’d like us to be more than roommates again.
— Rusty Roommates
Dear Rusty Roommates,
If you’re comfortable steering the ship, do so. Every time. If he isn’t absorbing the information, you might just have to instruct over and over again. While this may be taxing, it’s better than the alternative: not getting laid or getting hurt as you attempt to do so. If you can eroticize the instruction and dom him, well, that’s all the better. Hopefully he’s at least aware of his shortcomings as a result of discussions you’ve had, but if not, I think it’s time to talk. Reaffirm your interest and your excitement about his. Establish that there are some things you’d like to try, and would he mind following your lead? Following orders? Submitting entirely? See if that approach gets you anywhere, and if it does, you’re already on your way. Stay patient—it’s not a short order, but it will pay off.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a 25-year-old straight woman who has always been extremely turned on by physical intimacy and sex between men. I had a threesome once with two guys in college that is still the hottest experience of my life, even though they didn’t do more than kiss each other. I have lots of LGBT friends, and several poly friends. I think I could be very happy in a long-term relationship with two bi men. I love to think of having a child with each of them, and having both a two-income household and a stay-at-home parent.
I am not at all sexually attracted to women, and for personal reasons, I would not feel comfortable in a relationship with a man who is intimate with other women, or any relationship where everyone involved is not equally important to and intimate with everyone else. Which, from all I’ve seen and read, seems to be depressingly rare. When I list myself as polyamorous on dating sites, all I ever get are straight man/bi woman couples (even though I clearly say I’m only interested in men) and straight men who are already with one or more other women. Literally not one M/M couple looking for a woman.
Just how unusual is what I want, and how can I go about looking for it without constantly having to say no to involvements where I would not be comfortable, which often ends up triggering my insecurity and anxiety issues? Do I need to state exactly what kind of relationship I’m looking for? How would I avoid sounding hung-up and overly picky, and would people actually pay attention? Or should I not list myself as poly, just look for bi men (where are they all hiding?) and talk to them about this if we match? Do bi, poly men who would be happy only having sex with one woman even exist?
— How Weird Is This?
Dear How Weird Is This,
“Just how unusual is what I want” she asks! Like I can put a precise number on it. In my experience of writing this column, having to respond to the prompt, “Quantify my weirdness,” is actually more difficult than proving a negative. A lot of those negatives can be proven, or at least plausibly argued given the right expert. “Just how weird is this extremely uncommon thing I’m into” is like: ??? We are all, to some degree, weird. At least you know what you want. That’s more than a lot of people can say!
Here is what I think you should do: Try Feeld. I’m not saying this because I’m paid by the nonmonogamy-friendly app (I’m not!), but because I’m a user and I’ve seen quite a few bisexual/pansexual men on it, and a limited but visible “homoflexible” population that is specifically interested in expanding their experience with women. I don’t know if I’d say you’re “hung up” any more than the next person who likes what they like (or at least has vivid fantasies), but you are picky and you’ll save everyone time by expressing that and cutting to the chase. Do bi, poly men who would be happy only having sex with one woman even exist? I don’t know! Seems possible. Perhaps you can be the one to convince them to give it a crack.
I think you’ll do well to keep this all as a framework for what you want without investing too much in expectations, as you’re likely to be disappointed and/or frustrated if you lean too hard on those. Take small steps and understand your specific fantasies exist in your head and have no real-life basis. Try meeting actual humans before you decide the precise design of your spawning and caretaking plans. You might also try to expand your purview—would a relationship with a bi dude who likes threesomes scratch your itch? You may find that it has to, but hopefully it all works out for you.
Dear How to Do It,
I’m a sex positive queer chubby man over 40 and, after years of body worries and image issues I’ve finally gotten to a spot where I’m comfortable in my own skin (guys—go to therapy!) My problem is this: I recently visited my first gay campground—it was awesome—I wore short caftans, skinny dipped, kissed more than a few hot guys of all shapes and sizes, and enjoyed the sun on my skin. The only down side was running into an acquaintance of mine (let’s call him Bill). Bill’s partner is a sweet guy who actually encouraged me to come out and camp there. Bill always been a little catty and weight-obsessed, and during my stay, he inferred multiple times to multiple people that he wishes he could “just not care about how he looks,” while referencing me. I laughed it off a few times, but finally he pushed me over the edge by saying “Well, if TED can just let it all go I guess I’m trying too hard with my diet.” I read him for filth, which made more than a few people around laugh but sent him into a fury. Now Bill’s partner says if I want to go camping there again to tell him when, because Bill says I “ruined” their special place, and he won’t “share” it with me anymore. I also fell in love with this place and I don’t want to give somebody else control over when I can and can’t come … advice?
— Caftans and Camping
Dear Caftans and Camping,
Unless Bill’s partner has some kind of literal ownership stake in this campground, he doesn’t get to say when you can and cannot be there. He is not the boss of you, nor is he the king of that castle, as it is not a castle but nature. Realize that by asserting your prerogative to visit the campground whenever you damn well please, you may encounter drama should Bill and his partner be there; but it doesn’t sound like you will mind that very much and I have full faith that you can hold your own.
As satisfying as it is to read the account of your smackdown of a fatphobe, I do have to wonder how actually comfortable you are. Only being completely nonreactive would read as convincingly unbothered. That said, it’s OK to be bothered and it’s also justifiable to highlight someone’s rudeness even if it doesn’t actually hurt your feelings. It’s the principle, I get it. I’m always going to attempt to point people in the direction of the practical and attempt to forgo principle for principle’s sake, if for no other reason than to save themselves from grief, but I think your response was appropriate. That guy should be embarrassed about acting like a bitchy queen without any wit that warrants such a pose. What an amateur!
Dear How to Do It,
My husband and I have been married for 16 years. We have sex about once a month, after kids and lots of life stuff, and that’s fine for me. I think he’d like a little more, but he’s seemed OK with our current pace. I know he masturbates pretty frequently—he goes to a particular room, and I know what’s up—but I try to respect his privacy. Recently, I was cleaning in that particular room and I brushed his laptop, which was not password-protected. You probably know where this is going: He had left some porn up on the screen. The thing is, it was bisexual porn. And the guys were definitely the focal point of this particular one from what I could tell. I was sort of shocked and I only looked for a second before I shut the laptop and left the room.
My husband has never mentioned a sexual interest in men in any way, and I never would have guessed he might have one. This ate at me for a couple weeks before I finally mentioned it to him in a clumsy way. He turned bright-red and said it was just porn, nothing more. I should have let it go, but I pressed, and he eventually said he prefers bisexual porn but would never want to try anything with a guy in person. I asked him if he would if I gave him my blessing. He seemed super flustered and said he didn’t know. He denied he’s bisexual and said it’s just curiosity, but I could tell he was a little unsure. He seemed happy to change the subject and I finally let it go, but I feel really uneasy about what I found out. He would die before talking about this with a couples’ therapist. I also have no idea if I’d be OK with letting him explore, but I definitely can’t just forget about this. What should I do?
—Not Snooping
Stoya: So, some fantasies are just fantasies. Sometimes people fantasize about things they would never want to actually happen.
Rich: Yeah, and porn can kind of tease out those very fantasies but also keep them at bay.
Stoya: That too.
Rich: Could it be possible that the fact it is so distant is what makes it hot? Like, it’s hot precisely because it’s so removed from his experience?
Stoya: Definitely possible.
Rich: All of which is to say, this isn’t necessarily a sounding of the alarm. Maybe he’s just bored with the aesthetics of straight porn and wanted to branch out. Plenty of straight women are into gay porn, which depicts scenarios that they are excluded from by definition.
Stoya: Absolutely. Or he could want to kiss another dude, on the penis.
Rich: He very well might. One thing that I have to say, even if it’s ultimately immaterial, is that I don’t believe this instance of porn discovery was as innocent as the letter writer makes it out to be. “I was cleaning in that particular room and I brushed his laptop.” Please. I think she was snooping. That’s probably neither here nor there, but let’s not bullshit a bullshitter.
Stoya: Sometimes, I think I take our letters at face value too often.
Rich: It’s because you’re pure of heart. I’m the cynic.
Stoya: It’s good to have roles.
Porn-watching habits are not statements of a desire to act.
Rich: It’s true. But maybe, ya know, it’s worth acknowledging that there may be a violation of privacy afoot. A minor one. Ideally, these things would be out in the open in a relationship, so I also kind of feel like as long as it isn’t devastating, whatever it takes to get to the truth is ultimately OK.
Stoya: Yeah, I was mostly thinking how sad it is that they can’t just, like, talk about this.
Rich: I felt for the guy. He seemed really shaken—and this is from her perspective.
Stoya: He might be dealing with a lot of shame or fear.
Rich: For sure. I know that this is not a fashionable thing to say and could be contradicted with a man cave full of counterexamples, but it’s hard for straight guys in some ways. “Straight” is such a narrow path for a lot of guys, and deviating from it means calling into question your entire identity. This kind of thing can be worldview-altering.
Stoya: I’m wondering if there are ways that our writer can be cautious with her husband while satisfying her own need to address this further.
Rich: Like if she put on bisexual porn for their next sex session? A way to kind of illustrate her acceptance?
Stoya: That might be the worst option! I’m imagining the guy turning into an actual turtle and retracting his head into his upper chest out of embarrassment. But at the end she says she definitely can’t just forget about this. Which leads me to believe she’s going to want to address his taste for bisexual porn again in the future.
Rich: Right. So how to do that delicately?
Stoya: Displays of acceptance might be part of that, but I think she should proceed slowly.
Rich: Yes, and you know, this is still recent, so he’s still getting used to the idea of someone knowing his secret. So maybe his wife’s discovery didn’t yield an immediate exhale moment, but that could be coming as he becomes more comfortable with what all of this means. Which is to say that these conversations could go better in the future. Maybe a good way to approach this is for her to make herself available to talk about this without pushing. Ask him if he’s comfortable talking about it, instead of staging a confrontation every time.
Stoya: Or sharing some of her own undisclosed sexual interests if she has any. Sometimes that kind of vulnerability goes a long way to putting a partner at ease.
Rich: That’s a great point. Does she have any bi-curiosity herself?
Stoya: An interest in toes? A desire for latex?
Rich: It would be useful to really understand his sexuality. If he is indeed bi, then in theory this poses about as much threat as if he were into redheads but married a brunette. Just another element of his taste palate, you know?
Stoya: Totally. There’s no reason to panic, and porn-watching habits are not statements of a desire to act.
Rich: But ideally, as the letter writer hints, he’d be allowed to explore this if he were really interested in it. I know it’s a big ask, but life is short. Seems a waste to go through it wanting but never getting your hands on some dick.
Stoya: I think she could do some thinking on what she would need to feel comfortable. Boundaries about sleepovers? No green boxer shorts? Or, you know, deep conversations about what “fluid bonding” means so she’s prepared in case he does want to explore and expresses that?
Rich: Yes. It’s a big idea to get used to. I totally understand why people use monogamy as a security blanket, but allowing him to experience this sex he’s potentially interested in and presumably never has had would be a great gift to him.
Stoya: She might find she enjoys compersion.
Rich: Yes—and/or participating.
Stoya: Ooooh, yes, that too. I think, just remember their love and trust for each other, nurture that, and be careful with each other if they decide to explore.
Rich: I agree. If these conversations instill a sense of fear in him, there’s a good chance he’ll have a fight-or-flight response and then they’ll be no further along than they were in the first place.
Stoya: Definitely. So use plenty of caution and be gentle.
for Chris to justify fucking Barb.
