Prison Letters (06/27/22) - New Chris Chan Jail Letter - Eels and the Eggman talk about OCs to Chris, Helena will supposedly work with Chris on Sonichu, Chris claims that Heilberg confirmed his returning to 14BLC and that he was never attracted to Bella

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Anthophobian said:
He would've been knee deep in megans cunt if he had any ounce of self control and perhaps better artistic integrity. That girl was about as much of an outlier as he was and with some mental gymnastics it could've worked.
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Doubtful. Look at the photographs of them together. I can't remember one where she wasn't leaning away from Chris.
 
Debbie Macomber said:
This is part of why Chris getting a year time served is less just a punishment vs. being sentenced to a year. If he had been found guilty in August, his tugboat would have been shut off then, and he wouldn't have it piling up as reward for him when he gets out.
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But removal of the tugboat isn't the prescribed punishment; it would just be a consequence.

And Chris without the tugboat will end up being more desperate and reckless, and ultimately cost good citizens more, than he will with the tugboat.

So it is both more humane and more quick-in-the-mind to try to preserve (and/or reinstate, if it did indeed stop while he was in the cuckoo nest) his tugboat/eligibility.
 
Got2Hands said:
There was also at least one incident where Chris threw a shitfit because she sat on some other guy's lap and kissed him on the cheek. Megan basically had her pick of the nerd dicks.
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She looks like an off-brand wednesday adams, you'd figure the nerds be too smart to stick it in haunted pussy.
 
Megan wasn't hot or anything but she wasn't hideous either, from looking at her photos a lot of them just look unflattering because she seems to not make much of an attempt to look feminine. Or rather her hairstyle in particular doesn't do her any favors, it makes her look older than she is in a negative way. Other than Chris I'm not sure who was horny for her so whether they could do better than her, I don't know. She looks typical of the anime club girls I remember from school and the corresponding anime club guys were about on level.
 
Chazzed Up said:
I need a refresher tour of Chris's ideal sweetheart requirements but as I remember it, he wanted to be a stay-at-home husband/father I think? I think he told the Liquid crew that. I knew some people growing up whose father did a kind of job where he was able to be at home with the kids sometimes. Tended to be somewhat henpecked guys but Chris back in the old days seemed willing to tolerate that since he already did from Barb. Chris just is as unfit to be a father as he is to do a normal 9 to 5.
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From memory:
  1. 18-21 (but aged up per year)
  2. Must be white for Crystal
  3. Must be educated
  4. Must be employed
  5. Not Autistic, no mental ailments
  6. Slim/Curvy
He made up another son named Reginald and in general the CWCKI stated "so he can play vidya all day and have a replacement for Barb.
I remember a decade ago (before A-logging existed) a YouTube commenter mocked the requirements, "soon the area will be restricted within the confines of his bedroom!"

Anthophobian said:
He would've been knee deep in megans cunt if he had any ounce of self control and perhaps better artistic integrity. That girl was about as much of an outlier as he was and with some mental gymnastics it could've worked.
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Nope
She was never attracted to him and called him out on his whining on "Shoujo Beat" via email. She even protested his inclusion of her in the comics
She also is taken and out of the anime/MLP fandoms.
 
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Friend of Dorothy Parker said:
But removal of the tugboat isn't the prescribed punishment; it would just be a consequence.

And Chris without the tugboat will end up being more desperate and reckless, and ultimately cost good citizens more, than he will with the tugboat.

So it is both more humane and more quick-in-the-mind to try to preserve (and/or reinstate, if it did indeed stop while he was in the cuckoo nest) his tugboat/eligibility.
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The only humane option for Chris is to take him out back and shoot him in the head with a double barrel. But that’s illegal so.
 
Chazzed Up said:
I need a refresher tour of Chris's ideal sweetheart requirements but as I remember it, he wanted to be a stay-at-home husband/father I think?
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Chris' requirements were legitimately bullshit. Look at the hambeast situation, of course on paper he wanted a beautiful white blonde headed rich bang mommy, but anything with tits that showed him any interest and he was good to go. Him fawning over hambeast while he sips his girly mixed drinks will always be hilarious.
 
Blue Miaplacidus said:
Chris' requirements were legitimately bullshit. Look at the hambeast situation, of course on paper he wanted a beautiful white blonde headed rich bang mommy, but anything with tits that showed him any interest and he was good to go. Him fawning over hambeast while he sips his girly mixed drinks will always be hilarious.
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That phenomenon probably isn't unique to Chris, people will beat off to fantasies of their perfect ideal waifu/husbando but in reality they're going to be horny and have to make the choice between accepting something in their league or going without. And considering Chris, he never goes without something he wants for very long, usually the span of time between the desire popping into his head and his ability to procure money from e-begging or his welfare check. Clearly he decided he wasn't going to go without pussy anymore and there was Barb...
 
Chazzed Up said:
Megan wasn't hot or anything but she wasn't hideous either, from looking at her photos a lot of them just look unflattering because she seems to not make much of an attempt to look feminine. Or rather her hairstyle in particular doesn't do her any favors, it makes her look older than she is in a negative way. Other than Chris I'm not sure who was horny for her so whether they could do better than her, I don't know. She looks typical of the anime club girls I remember from school and the corresponding anime club guys were about on level.
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I know many will say I am late, but from what I gather, Meg looked very uncomfortable around Chris.
 
Chazzed Up said:
I need a refresher tour of Chris's ideal sweetheart requirements but as I remember it, he wanted to be a stay-at-home husband/father I think? I think he told the Liquid crew that. I knew some people growing up whose father did a kind of job where he was able to be at home with the kids sometimes. Tended to be somewhat henpecked guys but Chris back in the old days seemed willing to tolerate that since he already did from Barb. Chris just is as unfit to be a father as he is to do a normal 9 to 5.
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That's not all. In addition to being the breadwinner, Chris also wanted his wife to be the homemaker. Basically Chris would do nothing except draw comics and play with lego.

Kind of like how Chris wanted a job with Sega where everyone else did the work and he just sat at home (even though he had a corner office).
 
Pointless Sperg said:
That's not all. In addition to being the breadwinner, Chris also wanted his wife to be the homemaker. Basically Chris would do nothing except draw comics and play with lego.

Kind of like how Chris wanted a job with Sega where everyone else did the work and he just sat at home (even though he had a corner office).
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chris to a tee. Not only did lardass want his ideal mate to be a 10/10 aryan supermodel despite being a fat retard himself , but he also wanted her to be the breadwinner AND available for sex on demand. Is it any wonder the only poon chris ever got was his own ailing mommy ?

Cheerlead-in-Chief said:
She also is taken and out of the anime/MLP fandoms.
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as far as we know. she could still be almost as big a woman child as chris is. Except she understands to keep it too herself .
 
I keep seeing people saying "well it's been a year, so he's about to get out". No, that's not how it works. If you are sentenced to more than a year, you go to prison instead of jail, it's common to be sentenced to a year and a day just to guarantee prison. Chris hasn't been sentenced, he's still awaiting trial. It's not like if you don't go to trial within a year they just let you go. People have sat in jail for 3, 4 even 5 years awaiting trial. It's not common, but it happens.
 
Bad Bad Daddy said:
I keep seeing people saying "well it's been a year, so he's about to get out". No, that's not how it works.
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Go to the FAQ and read the bit under "So they can just keep Chris in jail forever?". People aren't making some wild assumption or pulling shit out their ass, desperate for a more interesting saga to begin. He isn't currently charged with anything that has longer than a year sentence. It'd be pretty surprising if that was suddenly a decision made, and while Chris has absolutely been delusional about his release since day one, he finally mentioned Heilberg reinforcing the idea of a imminent release recently.
 
You know, of all the things that could happen to our good friend, the crusty-faced and foot-rot-afflicted Bella, having Chris Chan go "Nah, she's not that hot tbh." has to be the one thing that stings the most.
 
Bad Bad Daddy said:
I keep seeing people saying "well it's been a year, so he's about to get out". No, that's not how it works. If you are sentenced to more than a year, you go to prison instead of jail, it's common to be sentenced to a year and a day just to guarantee prison. Chris hasn't been sentenced, he's still awaiting trial. It's not like if you don't go to trial within a year they just let you go. People have sat in jail for 3, 4 even 5 years awaiting trial. It's not common, but it happens.
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They can't sentence him to prison in the court he's in. They'd have to transfer him to circuit court to give him a prison sentence. It's still possible, of course, but it's weird to keep him in J&DR this long if they intended to. They'll probably only do it if Chris tards out and refuses any sort of deal.
 
Pointless Sperg said:
They can't sentence him to prison in the court he's in. They'd have to transfer him to circuit court to give him a prison sentence. It's still possible, of course, but it's weird to keep him in J&DR this long if they intended to. They'll probably only do it if Chris tards out and refuses any sort of deal.
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I swear it sometimes feels like you shouldn't have bothered making that FAQ. Oh not that it's bad top shelf work you did on it especially since unlike Alexander Hamilton you're not a lawyer noir are you that familiar with Virgina law.


It's more the fact that a year later and we still have dipshits saying stuff like "hur der it's prison and a gewd ass rapin for you Chris! " without even bothering to READ the damn thing.
 
A Grey Cat said:
It's more the fact that a year later and we still have dipshits saying stuff like "hur der it's prison and a gewd ass rapin for you Chris! " without even bothering to READ the damn thing.
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But now we can kick them towards the FAQ instead of writing the answer every damn time.

Some of those dorks are just repeating that as a shitpost.
 
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