🗑️ Trashfire PPP: Pig's Passage to Portugal - Update 1/26 - Ralph got his ass kicked and murse stolen. Turns out, the citizens of Portugal are NOT big fans of the Killstream

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What actually led to Ralph's beating?

  • Official narrative, chased robber to defend his property (Manpurse, €150) and 1 VS 4 epic fight.

    Votes: 80 3.4%

  • Beaten by the pimp of an underaged prostitute.

    Votes: 755 32.0%

  • Tumbled down the steep streets like a loose boulder.

    Votes: 153 6.5%

  • Beaten by a gang of drug dealers.

    Votes: 476 20.2%

  • Uttered something stupid in front of locals.

    Votes: 850 36.0%

  • Tried to put his trotters on Warski's sister.

    Votes: 47 2.0%
  • Total voters
    2,361
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Sorry if this is late but he's really fucked.

 
Rei is shit said:
In a certain sense Ralph has cockblocked the kiwifarms. Since he can't remember what happened there is no way in hell we'll ever find out. This will lead to years of fruitless speculation - which is the biggest win Ralph has had against the farms in how long?

I guess it really is true, every cloud has a silver lining :story:
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He really missed the boat by not boasting about preventing a rape or something chivalrous but equally unbelievable. ‘They stole muh purse’ is just silly.
 
Ralph should never have bothered with surgery, he should have taken a flight back home and got it done in the US, at this point Ralphs better off taking a ship back home
 
Neil said:
Imagine a timeline where Ralph went to jail and we missed out on this. The Vickers being incompetent morons was really a blessing in disguise.
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I swear every time I say "Gunter is going to do x", I get proven wrong in the best and funniest ways possible. By next year, Gunter is going to wish the judge did lock him up, if only to save Gunter from himself.
 
Rei is shit said:
In a certain sense Ralph has cockblocked the kiwifarms. Since he can't remember what happened there is no way in hell we'll ever find out. This will lead to years of fruitless speculation - which is the biggest win Ralph has had against the farms in how long?

I guess it really is true, every cloud has a silver lining :story:
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"I got beat up by some guys who stole my purse" is his official story, which is funnier than anything we could make up to rile him up. This is his Quarry King moment; literally everyone's laughing at him
 
Ruin said:
I don't feel bad at all. Ralph is one of the biggest assholes the modern internet has created. Sadly I doubt Gunt is smart enough to learn from this and not be such a prick all the time.
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That's fair. It's not like he wouldn't gloat over this happening to someone else. You earn back what you put into the world, and Ralph puts out nothing but petty spite and anger.

I just wish we knew what actually happened. If he really did get jumped trying to do what I suspect he was trying to do, buying drugs or underage prostitutes, then yeah, he has nobody to blame but himself. Though I guess that would still be true even if he was just mugged while drunkenly stumbling through the streets alone at night, with that stupid Gucci manpurse slung over his fat shoulder. Might as well wear a sign that says "I'M A CLUELESS TOURIST, PLEASE ROB ME".
 
Tiger Jack said:
I'll admit, I do feel pretty ghoulish about laughing at this now knowing that he's going to need reconstructive surgery.
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I feel that.
Ralph has received cosmic warning after cosmic warning for the past year or whatever. These all should have been taken as major omens that you are doing something really wrong in your life, and that you should stop fucking around immediately. What did he do? He gloated about each near miss and acted like he was invincible. Then he double, triple, and quadruple downed. His near misses only emboldened him and encouraged him to do even worse shit the next time. He needed to be smacked down really fucking hard. Don't fuck around with this karma shit, people. I know people joke about it but there is actual truth to it. We just literally saw it happen. I don't care what kind of religion you want to flavour this truth with, there is something about it that is real. You could even just call it a matter of probability if you want.

It's the ultimate truth: Fuck around. Find out. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. The pendulum swings both ways.

Some people become such a threat to everything they interact with that the universe has to find a way to extinguish them. That's all I'm saying. I remember this story I read a long time ago where the villain was beaten, and he was trying to weasel his way out of being killed by the hero and was using his sense of justice against him. "What right do you have to kill me," or something like that. The hero responded with something like, "No, you've got it backwards. I have no right to let you live."

It appears that Ethan Ralph has been given one last chance, because if you look at the chronology of his close calls, they have increased in severity and level of possible danger each time. My estimation is that the next time Ethan Ralph fucks around, it will literally kill him. But what will he do? Will he see this as the final omen that it truly is, or ignore it and quintuple down?
 
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Tiger Jack said:
That's fair. It's not like he wouldn't gloat over this happening to someone else. You earn back what you put into the world, and Ralph puts out nothing but petty spite and anger.

I just wish we knew what actually happened. If he really did get jumped trying to do what I suspect he was trying to do, buying drugs or underage prostitutes, then yeah, he has nobody to blame but himself. Though I guess that would still be true even if he was just mugged while drunkenly stumbling through the streets alone at night, with that stupid Gucci manpurse slung over his fat shoulder. Might as well wear a sign that says "I'M A CLUELESS TOURIST, PLEASE ROB ME".
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I agree with what others have said: this wasn't a standard mugging. He bought this somehow, and unless these "four" are complete dipshits (even by Portuguese standards), we're never going to know what happened.
 
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So who wants to start making bets on how long before he gets the George Floyd treatment for illegal fentanyl possession?
 
At the risk of belaboring the point, we know the story is bullshit because Ralph claims to have chased them down.

After all, how do you get away from a full speed charging gunt? You just walk away slowly.
 
Tiger Jack said:
I'll admit, I do feel pretty ghoulish about laughing at this now knowing that he's going to need reconstructive surgery. I didn't realise how badly he got beaten, I thought he just got a broken nose and lost some teeth.
That being said, whatever Ralph did to earn a beating like that must've been pretty bad. You do not find this sort of trouble unless you go out looking for it.
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Lmao nah. No sympathy for this dumbass going abroad during a pandemic. I'm having flashbacks of him storming digibro house. He was asking for it.
 
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