The Tenacious Unicorn Ranch / @TenaciousRanch / Steampunk Penny / Penellope Logue / Phillip Matthew Logue - Don't cry because it ended, laugh because it's still getting worse.

the luckiest number said:

https://omny.fm/shows/it-could-happ...anch-how-to-build-a-haven-p/embed?style=Cover

New podcast about the Tranch. Nice to see them still rehashing "The Siege".

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I've listened to three episodes of this, and I'm not surprised the reporter couldn't sell it, because he's not simply a gullible moron, but he's actually coming up with new cover stories for them. Now they claim to have adopted so many alpacas because the breed was fashionable in the eighties, but lots of the people who got them back then are getting too old to cope with the hard side of ranch life. The tranchers are kind souls who adopt all these poor uncared for and underfed alpacas and nurse them back to life and health. They are honestly not responsible one bit for them being undernourished, they are just cautiously and carefully showing harsh love to those mistreated beasts. He doesn't question why those born on the ranch are just as malnourished.

KF gets a brief mention "It's an entire forum dedicated to harassing trans people ... with the stated goal of making trans people kill themselves" (around 21 minutes on in the first segment) "notable terfs are part of it".

Then we get to the Earl story. Now apparently none of the ranchers actually saw him. Some survivalist called "Aldo" who sounds even batshit crazier than the troons (Aldo isn't apparently his real name, and they've got an actor to read his words in case he is recognised - 27 mins onwards). Even his arrival is over the top. He was "followed" down the track to the ranch by a couple of cars, so he "signalled" (yup, that's the word he uses) to Penny that he's going to drive past the ranch gate to give him a chance to ID them. He then drives down to a spot that he's already marked out on the map as suitable for turning round, turns, and as he does so shines a powerful torch in their faces. Not in the least bit suspicious at all, no sirree. And luckily for these poor locals on their way home, he just kept his hand on his gun but didn't feel a need to draw.

Honestly, you need to listen to just this bit, it's hilarious. "A trusted source had boosted their call for help", "pitter patter motherfuckers!", "They gave me situational awareness of the property". He sent the ranchers, who apparently hadn't slept for 48 hours, to bed, then pulled on his plates and went out to patrol. So when Earl makes his appearance, every single one of the tranchers are tucked up together in their giant smelly bed. And then two men started fiddling with the gate and the motion sensitive security light attached to it (I don't remember this before) until Aldo turns his torch on them. They then run off, and Aldo does nothing because they technically weren't actually on the property. He then waits half an hour befoer going back inside the ranch to, erm, change his socks. I kid you not. When the going gets tough, Aldo changes his socks.

Then a couple of hours later two different men apparently came on to the ranch, but he chased them off too. One threw his gun over the fence before climbing over himself and it slid across the snow on the road into the far ditch. He went to get it and they left. It's a far simpler tale from a far simpler time. And let me repeat, throughout this time Penny and co were in bed, while Bonnie has been wiped, Stalin style, from the whole story. Aldo sounds like gloriously crazy. I wonder if he already has a thread.

Episode 2 is dull. Apparently hundreds of people visit the ranch every year. Kevin takes care of them and manages the social media. Even though he's been known to hide in his room when his "girlfriends" turn up. No journalistic questioning of that, of course. And Jen "helps" administer a Patreon account for the ranch. No mention of who he helps, or why he is incapable of sticking up a couple of alpaca pictures on the internet every day by himself. A distinct lack of spoons to go around the ranch that day.

Moving on a couple of days, the reporter is in one of the trailers along with another ex-military type called "Paul". And he shows himself to be more than a bit creepy "Throughout the night I check in on Paul - It wasn't a large trailer" and they watched the cars going past through night vision goggles and snooped on their hillbilly neighbours having moonshine parties.

Then we get mention of them doing the recycling with no mention that they got bored of it two months down the line, and the episode finishes off wiht a long boring sidetrack on the local newspaper editors, one good, kind lefty, and one nasty evil righty. All very appropriate for the fairy tale season, I guess, but don't waste your time.

Episode 3 gets even duller. Despite their claims of persecution for being the only queers in the valley, it turns out that the local supermarket employs a gay and a tranny and no-one gives a shit. Apparently the county has no building code, so presumably no need for tradesman to register, hence their side hustle.

Fedposter J turned up when his parents kicked him out for "doing something with BLM" (any guesses? Until I learn otherwise I'm going with an Eddie Cantor impersonation.). At around 21:30 the debate hits Judaean People's Front discussions on what a true trans person is: "non-binary" "I hate those people. They're faking".

J takes the bullshit to a new level. "The entire goal is ... the gender binary and controlling the reproduction of labour. Controlling cis women and queer gender is a big part of that." He sounds like he's spouting a mixture of Marx, Freud, Trump, Lavery and Yaniv as retyped by a roomful of rainbow haired monkeys using their penises.

From 32:00 onwards J describes his accident. He was going cautiously round a corner at only 35-40, but managed to roll his car, concuss himself and get whiplash. He abandoned it and got a lift home from Penny. The local sheriff found it a couple of hours later, called out the tow company and landed him with a bill for five hundred dollars. Revenge can be sweet. And rather satisfyingly he uses the phrase "Tranny Waco" at 35:50. "Kiwi Farms says this all the time." Hi, Phil, Hi, Kevin, Hi Fedposter.

I'm not sure I can be bothered with episode 4, whenever it comes out.

ellroy said:

Hello sheriff, welcome to the farms!

Feel free to make an account describing your law enforcement actions in the area. We would love to hear about the mischievous "Earl."

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I have only listened to the first episode posted by @Funny Trucker, but it's even better than this.

Not only does Mr. Military Man (the badass ally savior who drove across the country to stand guard while our sweet princesses slept for the first time in 48 hours) describe the assailant only by 'Earl', he goes on to comment on how he had to stop himself from laughing as 'Earl' is 'a perfectly comical Chud name'.

Comical, indeed.

He also describes Earl as 'very much having the build of an 'Earl''.

Its beyond parody.



We finally have our origin story.