Why You Should Give Your Mom a Sex Toy for Mother's Day
Yesssss, really — and the idea is sex-therapist approved.
Shows including Bridgerton, Sex Education, and Big Mouth are all doing their part to reduce the stigma around masturbation and sex toys, and are a smidge of proof that, as a society, we're slowly becoming more open and honest about sex. Just look back to I Love Lucy for evidence of how far we've come: Lucy and Ricky literally slept in separate beds because of the shame around sex. Now, we have hot, Regency-era teens going at it on bookshelves. But (!!) we still have a lot of work to do. Just last year, people were in an uproar about J.Lo and Shakira being sexy pop icons during their big halftime show performance because it wasn't "family-friendly." Sigh.
This sexual shame sinks in and affects everyone, especially female-identifying folks who are 50+, who've lived through and absorbed decades of this stigma that's disproportionately placed on female bodies. As a sex therapist, I've seen folks of all ages come in for various different problems. However, typically, the younger the human, the more open they are to the idea that pleasure is a priority in their lives. (Related: This Sex Educator Is Offering a 'Purity Culture Drop-Out Program')
It's likely that this shame and stigma around sexuality has translated into a lack of connection between your mom and her body. Female masturbation has not been openly talked about or encouraged in the last several decades, and a lot of the reinforced messaging was that if you (as a female-identifying human) needed to masturbate, then your partner wasn't "satisfying you." This is such a yucky and dangerous message because it perpetuates the idea that women don't deserve pleasure, and that it's only something that can be accomplished with the approval and assistance of a partner. (That's why some people with vaginas are even scared to touch themselves or masturbate with their own hands.)
All this stigma around female pleasure and sexuality also means the orgasm gap was probably even worse than it is now. (Yikes, right?) In case you haven't heard, the orgasm gap (aka orgasm inequality) is a term used to refer to the fact that, in heterosexual sexual encounters, mentend to have a lot more orgasms than their female partners. For example, in a 2014 survey of about 3,000 single women and men in the U.S. between 18 and 65 years old, women said they have an orgasm 63 percent of the time compared to men, who said they have one 85 percent of the time (and that was regarding having sex with a familiar partner, not someone new). Another survey conducted in 2017 by Durex in the Netherlands found that 20 percent of women said they don't orgasm during penetrative sex compared to just 2 percent of men. See the issue here?
With all of that said, there's a good chance your mom (or other older female figure in your life) has had way less good sex and orgasms in her life than she deserves. Between the societal shame and stigma around masturbation (which means she's probably not doing it enough) and the lack of quality sex education (that was even worse 30 years ago), moms of older generations are even more likely to suffer from the orgasm gap. And, from what I've seen in my practice, they're less likely to have a masturbation practice in place at all.
All of this adds up to... our moms are not orgasming enough. Yep, I said it. Our moms need more orgasms in their lives.
Your mom (whether your biological mom or just a mother figure in your life) is a human who will enjoy things that make her feel good. Our society and culture has taught us for so long that there's a drastic difference between buying your mom a back massager and buying your mom and clitoris massager, when really, what are we really talking about here? Enjoyable pleasure. In the end, this really isn't all that different from gifting her another form of self-care. If you gave her a bubble bath, is it a focus that she's naked? Nope. By getting her a pleasure product, you're opening up a dialogue and providing her with a pleasurable tool she'll actually use. Let's erase the stigma of moms being non-sexual beings, and empower our life-givers with tools for pleasure!
How to Pick Out a Sex Toy for Your Mom (In the Least Awkward Way)
First of all, if you want to give your mom a pleasure product but don't want to chat about it, that's fine. If that's the nature of your relationship and you're happy with that, no worries. If you dohave the type of relationship where you might be able to talk about these things — or at least want to give it a try — then these steps might help. (If you need inspiration or reassurance, read how this one writer gave her mom a sex toy, and it changed her sex life.)
1. Ask for consent.
Ask your mom if it's okay to ask her a question about pleasure or pleasure products. If she says yes, continue! If she says no, you can respect her boundary while still asking questions. Ask why she's saying no. Is it because she's uncomfortable talking about it? Sometimes the folks who are most closed off and uncomfortable are the ones that will benefit the most from the gift. Opening up this dialogue and dressing the awkwardness or uncomfortable nature of the situation can help you both start from the same. If it's a firm "no" after that, recognize that it's not the best gift for her, and you should back off and respect her boundary. Who knows, maybe this will plant a seed that opens her up to more sex-positive thoughts in the future. (Related: What Is Consent, Really?)
2. Have a chat.
When you sit down to talk, if you've never talked about sex toys together, acknowledge it! If you feel uncomfortable, awkward, excited, or nervous, acknowledge it: name it, say it. And then, talk! Be honest, ask questions, and listen. You can tell your mom that you learned about the orgasm gap and ask her what her experience was like growing up in terms of sex and sexuality. What was the attitude of sex like in her home? Did she have sex ed? You can even share something about yourselfthat feels comfortable and ask her a question. For example, "It's so frustrating that we don't learn about masturbation! Did you ever learn about that?" You never know what you'll hear.
3. Consider her time of life or age.
If, after talking, you decide you're going to get her a pleasure product for Mother's Day, make sure to consider how old she is and her potential limitations in terms of toy weight, material, maintenance, etc. For example, a heavy stainless steel wand is probably not the best toy for a 65-year-old woman who has back problems. Glass is a great choice for any age (though perhaps not the most beginner-friendly), as is medical-grade silicone. I'd stay away from app-based or remote-controlled toys since it'll just make the barrier for entry more difficult unless your mom is super tech-literate.
I Gave My Mom a Sex Toy and It's Changing Her Life
