Ask men why they do things the way they do and maybe you'll get an honest answer

[Kofi Drinka]

He's obviously not talking about a man describing a color as "Genestealer Purple" or "Hexwraith Flame."

Is that Nuln oil? And then you know how sensitive men's eyes are.

 

[Squanto Airi]

Menacingly...

nothing would get me more hot and bothered

But in seriousness, I need time away from people and noise to decompress and feel human again. So if my hypothetical gf/wife would grant me that, I'd most appreciate it.

Emphasis on the silently.

Yep.

 

[Shamefuru Disprayu]

I'm tryna do it but sometimes they are only 20 years old and retarded.

how long? is 4 feet enough or do I have to become a Rapunzel?

Yeah I don't care about small jokes here and there but sometimes they go full autist on me out of a sudden.

The problem is that sometimes I have to be a in a group where 90% are men and I have to survive somehow.

Your problem is being friends with people on discord/online.
Real friends are made IRL.

 

[Arbiter]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

 

[Ignatius von Cistern]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

Impossible to answer. Every couple has a different dynamic. If you try to put KPI's on what everyone does, you're running Q&A on your family and perhaps you should not be married. You leave that shit at the office.

 

[Waffle Iron]

The only Disney movie I had as a kid was Atlantis so Kida by default, tbf I didn't even realise that was Disney until I checked just now. Semi-related but I still remember the year (2011) Chel from Road to El Dorado went from annoying to hot, she will always be my GOAT.

I loved atlantis and pirate planet, which were apparently both bombs. Kida was cute. Probably because she was really into Milo nerding out about atlantis and I felt more of a connection to a nerdy guy than the typical action hero.

Something that has always stuck with me is I read about a study where, under the auspices of a written test, some grad students put a bunch of men in a room and had them socialize for fifteen minutes while they prepared the "test", and then had them take the test and sit silently for fifteen minutes while they waited for supposed stragglers to finish the "test"; I don't remember if it was self-report data or if they measured it but men were supposedly more stressed when they had to socialize, but relaxed when made to sit silently. They did the same thing with a room full of women and got the opposite result: they were comfortable when they were socializing but anxious when they had to be quiet. Similarly there are stats floating around that women speak on average anywhere from 50% to 100% more words a day than men do. Women like to be talking, men sort of don't, at least not to the same extent, and we run out of patience for it faster. Sort of like the idea that extroverts feel energized by socializing while introverts feel drained. Obviously there's more nuance to it than that, but it's a good heuristic to set your expectations by.

A similar research I saw as about how men and women deal with stress. The subjects would come in alone to the test. They would tell them they would have to put their arm into ice water for the test, but it would take a bit longer to set up so they had to wait. They were asked if they would like someone to sit next to them while they waited, or whether they would prefer to wait alone. Men would generally prefer to sit alone, while women wanted someone to sit with.
The ice bucket was irrelevant and to distract the subject from figuring out the waiting was the real test. It was just there to induce stress about the future and see if they wanted company to cope.

Yeah I don't care about small jokes here and there but sometimes they go full autist on me out of a sudden.

That's because they're autistic retards that are too socially retarded to understand the difference between teasing and bullying. You can only tell them to fuck off when they go too far. If there is a non-autist you have a good bond with, you can DM him and say you dont like how autist bob is ripping into you.

 

[Arbiter]

Impossible to answer. Every couple has a different dynamic.

Yes. I’m asking about what works for you and your wife (or hypothetical wife) personally and specifically. Or what arrangement you would personally be most happy with.

 

[Agarathium1066]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

This one is a hard one to properly think on. In my case I take care of laundry, trash, most often take care of animal maintenance. We cook together often but it can vary. With child care or inside/outside I'd say keep in mind what they might enjoy. I've known a lot of people who really love puttering around in the yard. Sometimes taking care of the kids stuff can be more chill if they're older.

If they're very young I'd say it should be both, young children are exhausting.

 

[31 Black]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

If it's strictly bill paying, an equitable percentage based on both of your incomes could be ideal. I made more money than my ex, so I took on a heavier load of bills and obligations; in exchange, she bought groceries and paid most nights when we went out.

For labor, it should be based on energy levels and competency. Those who work more hours (like a full time or multiple jobs) shouldn't have to do as many chores at home, whereas a part time partner/spouse should try to help out at home more. That said, the specific tasks should be based on who's good at what, enjoys the task, and who is most reliable at it. I made the mistake of effectively doing it all multiple times, yet never got the appreciation for doing it all (see my response a few pages back). I was actually caught off guard when I dated someone who not only made me breakfast and dinner, but also said not to worry about it.

 

[Tram Fan]

Doesn't need to be Rapunzel, needs to be feminine

Also you negrated the post, if you think i was mocking you, it's not how it is. I've met girls that were short, chubby and with short hair. The only thing that gave away they were female was the name

You got negrated for assuming I'm a deathfat or something I got just fine feminine haircut and feminine proportions.

Oh. I thought you were talking about actual people. Discord? Moid? Fucking hell. Go for a shower and shave your mustache.

Agreed, but it was the first example that came to my mind, cuz it was the most autistic one. I had one friend who was constantly teasing me hard saying I'm annoying as hell and that I'm a freak, yet he was still hanging out with me gladly. I ditched him eventually. Then there were 3 guys doing sexual jokes all being in a long term relationships.

 

[Ignatius von Cistern]

Yes. I’m asking about what works for you and your wife (or hypothetical wife) personally and specifically. Or what arrangement you would personally be most happy with.

I don't want to powerlevel, at least not on this issue. It won't make sense to people outside my family, so I don't think it would be constructive for me to elaborate.

 

[Squanto Airi]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

-Hours outside the home would be similar to each other
-I'd take over kitchen duties and sweeping, she can do laundry and dusting.
-childcare wise, idk

 

[Raven of the Burning God]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

>marriage
I've already made that mistake.
Never again.

I earn enough that I don't really care whether she works or not, and I've lived alone often enough that I don't really care if she does more than clean up after herself.

Or, perhaps more pointedly, I'm not going to get into a relationship with someone who I don't like enough to not care about these things, and we'll figure out whatever works in the particular set of circumstances for that relationship.

Might be 50/50, might be 100/0, might be anything in between. Might be 0/100, if there are any achingly beautiful nymphomaniacal billionaire heiresses out there who wanna ride this ride.

If you want a general research sort of answer, many governments conduct Time Use Surveys to measure how many hours people report spending on paid work outside the home, childcare, housework, yardwork, leisure, etc. which arguably reflects a reasonable compromise between how people want to spend their time and the demands of reality.

 

[The Ugly One]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

I don't really care. It's just not important. Am I having all the joy drained out of me or not? It's really the only question that matters.

 

[CrackPipeCowboy]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

1. Currently, I am the only one working. My wife sometimes picks up a small job at a tutoring group. She goes to pass the time or earn a little extra income.
2. Do you mean for work? I'm away from home for the 5 day work week. Alongside maybe 6 hours total of training and other hobbies. I take out the trash, usually do the dishes, lawn care, and any other chore you'd see as "masculine" or whatnot.
3. Cooking is done by whoever wants to, but my wife mostly does it since she has a lot of free time. I wouldn't care if I was the only one cooking. Just throw ingredients in a slowcooker and forget. For childcare I don't do much besides feed her milk when my wife is sleeping/away, change diapers (when I am home) and throw used diapers away. We only have the one baby at the moment.

Edit: Any of these could really be swapped and I wouldn't care. Although, I wouldn't subject my wife to the agony of a pushmower in the summer heat. That sucks.

 

[General Patton]

What helped for me was reading an article explaining grieving on a neurochemical level, explaining that it's a process that can't be shortcut, and it was perfectly normal to still not be "over it" six months on.

It's weird to me that anyone would even ask "why hasn't he moved on?" You don't move on from the dead, ever. You're forced to continue on without them. It's been over 10 years since my own mother died, granted, I'm not a man. But it's still weird to me and I still miss her.

 

[sherwoods110]

The old adage is true: you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

 

[dick brain]

What would your ideal division of labor in a marriage be? How many hours for both worked outside the home, who does what inside the home, who does what child care, etc?

I am of the now-controversial-but-shouldn't-be opinion that children need to be raised by their own parents in order to develop healthily, and thus that if you're going to have kids one parent has to be a full time parent, and that parent should usually be the mother, as it has been for millennia, because the bond between mother and child versus father and child is different in ways that I don't think I need to explain. I don't think women who want to have children get to have their cake and eat it too in terms of juggling a career and motherhood, I think that's a disservice to the children, and I think it ends up being a disservice to the mother as well in the long run. It has been increasingly normalized because it's more profitable for The Powers That Be to squeeze the maximal amount of manhours out of the population as they can get away with but it has not been a good change and it should not be embraced. If a woman wants to have children, that necessitates the sacrifice of putting her career ambitions on the backburner in order to actually properly attend to her children. That is not to say women should not be allowed to have ambitious careers, but you have to choose one or the other; children are not something to be neglected.

That said, I do not want children, I never will, I am never going to have them, and I'm never going to change my mind about it, much to the dismay of women who "wasted" years with me because they didn't take me seriously when I said so on the very first date. So that's all irrelevant to any relationship I'd be a part of. In that regard, I think the division of labor sorts itself out -- you do the things you care about and take care of the things that bother you, and if you find yourself in a situation where you're picking up after the other person and it bothers you, or you feel your contributions to the household are disproportionate, then you talk about it and figure out a solution. It's not cut-and-dry, but it's not complicated either. As long as you both want the same sort of life then everything else is simply in service of that and falls into place.

Anyway, I maintain a pretty modest lifestyle/living situation because the things I value in life are experiential rather than material -- traveling, backpacking, making music, spending quality time with people I love -- and the more expenses you accrue the more time and energy you have to dedicate to maintaining those expenses and the less time and energy you have to do the things you actually care about. So in that regard I don't really have that much to worry about in terms of labor division, I make enough to maintain the life I like, if somebody wants to slot into that life then they'd just have to make enough to pay for whatever they need to sustain themselves, or do enough to make it worth my while to provide for them. The larger issue is whether that person actually genuinely wants the same sort of life I do, or if they're going to try to change it to suit them, which is the real deal breaker. It means a lot more to me to make cherished memories together and to be genuinely united in those pursuits rather than doing it for the sake of each other, than it does to come home to a clean sink. Like I said, you have to want the same thing.

I loved atlantis and pirate planet, which were apparently both bombs. Kida was cute. Probably because she was really into Milo nerding out about atlantis and I felt more of a connection to a nerdy guy than the typical action hero.

Atlantis, Treasure Planet and Titan AE are to a certain age of boys what Disney films are to girls.

It's weird to me that anyone would even ask "why hasn't he moved on?" You don't move on from the dead, ever. You're forced to continue on without them. It's been over 10 years since my own mother died, granted, I'm not a man. But it's still weird to me and I still miss her.

I think there's a difference between "moved on" and "over it".

My experience with loss and many other things has been that each new thought relating to it carries an emotional load, but once you have encountered it and processed it, that particular thought and the associated feeling is resolved, and it becomes sort of conquered territory. So when the pain is fresh, every little thought is a tiny devastation, but as time goes on, the amount of territory that's safe and familiar expands, and the devastations become fewer and farther between. I don't think they ever disappear or run out, you're always surprised by thoughts of "oh man my dad would have loved this" or "my brother used to do that", but they become infrequent enough that they're manageable, and in a way bittersweet, instead of something standing between you and the rest of your life. And while it's possible to reach that point quickly if you're well-equipped to do so, few are, so it's not a particularly charitable expectation to hold someone to. And a lot of men will push it down or hide from it in an effort to meet that expectation rather than taking longer than they're told they should to fight a battle nobody else can see, which seldom helps except in times of war.

 

[Otterly]

You observe that his fingers and nails are dirty, and he might be ingesting trace particles of sawdust, grime, cobwebs, and spider droppings. You feel a rising urge to nag him about having not washed his hands before consuming the crisps.

Suppress that urge.

I do not have the urge. You’re an adult, and unless I know you’ve been dipping your hands in something that’s going to kill you if you ingest it, it’s your business. It’s all good for your immune system.
I will, however, nab a crisp, if they are crisps I like.

 

[General Patton]

The old adage is true: you never get over it, you just learn to live with it.

That's exactly what I say about it. It's sad but true.

My experience with loss and many other things has been that each new thought relating to it carries an emotional load, but once you have encountered it and processed it, that particular thought and the associated feeling is resolved, and it becomes sort of conquered territory. So when the pain is fresh, every little thought is a tiny devastation, but as time goes on, the amount of territory that's safe and familiar expands, and the devastations become fewer and farther between. I don't think they ever disappear or run out, you're always surprised by thoughts of "oh man my dad would have loved this" or "my brother used to do that", but they become infrequent enough that they're manageable, and in a way bittersweet, instead of something standing between you and the rest of your life. And while it's possible to reach that point quickly if you're well-equipped to do so, few are, so it's not a particularly charitable expectation to hold someone to. And a lot of men will push it down or hide from it in an effort to meet that expectation rather than taking longer than they're told they should to fight a battle nobody else can see, which seldom helps except in times of war.

I manage nowadays, but every once in a while I'll play songs I listened to with my mom when we'd go on trips, and then that's when the sadness will come back.