Ask men why they do things the way they do and maybe you'll get an honest answer

[Kofi Drinka]

Or perhaps the woman simply wants a hug? I get what you’re saying, but I know many problems that plague me aren’t immediately fixable. Close mouth, open arms, is what I’d need.

No, I'm not falling for that one Otterly. You can't steal my wallet!

Someone above said about turning a man’s brain off, that’s perhaps the same thing.
Sometimes you know there’s no answer, you need to know you’ve got each others back.

I said it, but it's not about having each other's back. I was trying to be delicate about it but it is an explanation thread so.

Men have a "sex mode". It's an autistic fixation on a woman. Your adrenalin is up, your hormones are up. you have a target in sight and you're focused on it. You're thinking of all the bits you want to touch, see, taste whatever. Your head is like 100% focused on the possibilities and what you're doing. It's a laser focused sight set on "sex" but it's also scatter brained like some shitty movie showing 10 different ways the next minute could go. Hyper focused but hyper active within the small window.

It doesn't even need to be with your partner. It could be any woman you find attractive and are being sexually engaged with. It could even be cybersex. It's just getting your "sex mode" on overrides basically all other thoughts and reboots your brain once you're done with it.

Then you also come out of it with a feeling of achievement. Men feel rewarded by and seek sex as a goal achieved. A lot of men, maybe most men feel validated and wanted through female sexual attention. It's how they build a self worth internally even if it's not aligned with their bigger goals. Think of it like your mental space slowly shrinking, getting a big slower, feeling a bit less relaxed, like when you have a cold your minds just not quite as sharp. But over time you get into a bit of a slump. Then you get the weight lifted off your shoulders and you're back to 100%, maybe even 110% for a week or two. You've hit one of your goals, your heads more open, flexible and a bit faster. Like you've just rebooted your PC and everything loads that bit quicker, the fans a bit quieter.

This got very autistic, but it really is like that. Men evolved to seek women and it's an obvious adaption to make their internal functions light up when they get to breed or a woman shows interest in breeding. Men should feel better about themselves if they've found a mate and had a child together (ignoring birth control here). They have been accepted and welcomed... or conquered something. Either way, it's a pretty good reward mechanic.

 

[Zeftax]

I have no idea what you're talking about.
A nice dinner and a massage, as souschef mentioned, sound like absolute heaven. I don't think I've ever activated a "sex mode", during an evening when I knew sex was gonna happen, sure. But not just random crippling "mode switch" that I need gone. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what you're talking about, I haven't been paying much attention to the thread.

 

[Kofi Drinka]

I have no idea what you're talking about.
A nice dinner and a massage, as souschef mentioned, sound like absolute heaven. I don't think I've ever activated a "sex mode", during an evening when I knew sex was gonna happen, sure. But not just random crippling "mode switch" that I need gone. Maybe I'm just misunderstanding what you're talking about, I haven't been paying much attention to the thread.

If you don't understand what you're replying to maybe just don't reply to it then?

"Sex mode" is an easy way to explain the male body's reaction to sex. It's not just penis gets hard, there is a lot that goes on in the hormones and brain that really tightens the focus.

 

[Zeftax]

If you don't understand what you're replying to maybe just don't reply to it then?

I was replying to make it known that your description, as I've understood it, isn't universal. If you are talking about a reaction to immediate prospect of sex, then I think I do agree with your description. It's just I thought you meant it sometimes happens randomly just from seeing a woman, which just isn't true for me.
Better name than "sex mode" could then be "being horny", and I think that happens for women too, no?

 

[souschef]

Sex mode

 

[dick brain]

Men have a "sex mode". It's an autistic fixation on a woman. Your adrenalin is up, your hormones are up. you have a target in sight and you're focused on it. You're thinking of all the bits you want to touch, see, taste whatever. Your head is like 100% focused on the possibilities and what you're doing. It's a laser focused sight set on "sex" but it's also scatter brained like some shitty movie showing 10 different ways the next minute could go. Hyper focused but hyper active within the small window.

It doesn't even need to be with your partner. It could be any woman you find attractive. It could even be cybersex. It's just getting your "sex mode" on overrides basically all other thoughts and reboots your brain once you're done with it.

Then you also come out of it with a feeling of achievement. Men feel rewarded by and seek sex as a goal achieved. A lot of men, maybe most men feel validated and wanted through female sexual attention. It's how they build a self worth internally even if it's not aligned with their bigger goals. Think of it like your mental space slowly shrinking, getting a big slower, feeling a bit less relaxed, like when you have a cold your minds just not quite as sharp. But over time you get into a bit of a slump. Then you get the weight lifted off your shoulders and you're back to 100%, maybe even 110% for a week or two. You've hit one of your goals, your heads more open, flexible and a bit faster. Like you've just rebooted your PC and everything loads that bit quicker, the fans a bit quieter.

This got very autistic, but it really is like that. Men evolved to seek women and it's an obvious adaption to make their internal functions light up when they get to breed or a woman shows interest in breeding. Men should feel better about themselves if they've found a mate and had a child together (ignoring birth control here). They have been accepted and welcomed... or conquered something. Either way, it's a pretty good reward mechanic.

How old are you?

 

[Zeftax]

Sex mode

I expected this.

 

[Kofi Drinka]

If you are talking about a reaction to immediate prospect of sex, then I think I do agree with your description. It's just I thought you meant it sometimes happens randomly just from seeing a woman, which just isn't true for me.
Better name than "sex mode" could then be "being horny", and I think that happens for women too, no?

That is what I'm specifically talking about. There's a difference between being horny and "sex mode". You can be horny and not really focused on sex or engaged with it. But when you're getting feedback and interaction you get that "Sex mode" which includes being horny but is totally different. It's the difference between masturbation and sex.

How old are you?

Nice try Glowie.

 

[Otterly]

Sex mode

Only if you’ve taken out the recycling. ‘It’s not part of the foreplay, but it is very important.’

 

[Kofi Drinka]

Only if you’ve taken out the recycling. ‘It’s not part of the foreplay, but it is very important.’
https://youtube.com/watch?v=Hqfsukw9S6Y, list: RDHqfsukw9S6Y

We know how to be romantic..

 

[souschef]

That is what I'm specifically talking about. There's a difference between being horny and "sex mode". You can be horny and not really focused on sex or engaged with it. But when you're getting feedback and interaction you get that "Sex mode" which includes being horny but is totally different. It's the difference between masturbation and sex.

I believe the word you're looking for is "dumb"

 

[Kofi Drinka]

I believe the word you're looking for is "dumb"

No. That's what it says on my passport. I can show you if I ever get my passport loicense.

 

[The Ugly One]

You just said the same thing twice and said it's different.

A man wants solutions. He wants to find a way to solve the problem or a way to deal with the problem. Reaffirming he has a problem and he has thought about it is what the woman wants. A woman wants to be on the journey, the man wants to be at his destination

What was notable about grieving for me is that my mind kept trying to find a "solution," but of course there wasn't one. He was dead. There was no way to say anything or fix anything, but it was like my brain didn't care and insisted on turning things over and over as though if I could thoroughly imagine a solution, that would somehow fix things. I also felt annoyed with myself for still grieving months later.

Men should feel better about themselves if they've found a mate and had a child together (ignoring birth control here). They have been accepted and welcomed... or conquered something. Either way, it's a pretty good reward mechanic.

And yet, people still can't figure out why Jeff Bezos left Mackenzie for Lauren Sanchez.

Only if you’ve taken out the recycling. ‘It’s not part of the foreplay, but it is very important.’

"You just took out the recycling because you wanted to sleep with me later. Is that all you think about, you pig?"

 

[Otterly]

What was notable about grieving for me is that my mind kept trying to find a "solution," but of course there wasn't one. He was dead. There was no way to say anything or fix anything, but it was like my brain didn't care and insisted on turning things over and over as though if I could thoroughly imagine a solution, that would somehow fix things. I also felt annoyed with myself for still grieving months later.

I think this kind of touches on what I mean - sometimes there IS no solution. Some issues don’t have an action to fix them, and in such a case just a quiet hug would be appropriate. It’s perhaps an extreme example, but this is what I mean by simply offering an ear or a hug, not everything can be fixed. It’s interesting to hear the thought process there too.
Grief is hard. I don’t think we as a society deal well with it. Some things need an almost ritual process of time to process - real grief isn’t fixed in a week or two, maybe it never is

 

[Friend of Dorothy Parker]

Tt

I think this kind of touches on what I mean - sometimes there IS no solution. Some issues don’t have an action to fix them, and in such a case just a quiet hug would be appropriate. It’s perhaps an extreme example, but this is what I mean by simply offering an ear or a hug, not everything can be fixed. It’s interesting to hear the thought process there too.
Grief is hard. I don’t think we as a society deal well with it. Some things need an almost ritual process of time to process - real grief isn’t fixed in a week or two, maybe it never is

I guess I'm atypical "for a woman." I don't vent for or really seek "affirmation"; if I'm talking about a thing, it's almost always either because I'm just telling a nbd story or I'm thinking out loud to problem-solve it myself, or because I specifically want input: either improvements to my own thinking/ thoughts about what I'm missing & where my blind spots are, or at least another perspective or creative ways to approach it. And yes, I say which it is.

"Gee, that sucks, honey," is...nice, I guess, but not what I'm looking for. Let me speak, pay attention and engage, offer possible perspectives or solutions if there is a problem to solve that I'm asking for help with. My experiences getting this have been mixed; I've made the error of having relationships with people who don't typically have the experience or perspective or understanding of specific things I've struggled with, and to be honest, if they can't or don't offer any of that, it's a disappointment.

As for the legendary, "men fix things," I've yet to be with someone able or willing to solve anything difficult or important for me or take some of it on in any concrete way. Rather, it almost always ran the other direction. Some were decent at small things, but most of it was superficial at best (and my kids' dad was the anti-"husband," neither protector nor rock nor refuge for me nor for our children; he remains the same to this day).

Tl; dr: I get tired of hearing about men as the rational caretaker and problem-solver and women as just needing a hug and tears dried after an explosion of emotion too overwhelming for her to see clearly through. My experiences have been about every variation but that.

 

[Kofi Drinka]

"I'm not like those other women" "my baby's father"

Every time.

 

[Otterly]

I get tired of hearing about men as the rational caretaker and problem-solver and women as just needing a hug and tears dried after an explosion of emotion too overwhelming for her to see clearly through.

I don’t think that’s quite what I mean either. The example of grief for example - he’s saying that he knew his brain was processing it somehow as a problem to be fixed yet it’s not fixable. He knows that, but that’s still how it’s going through his head.
We fall into thought patterns that are sometimes just fine for one thing but maladaptive for others and I’m as guilty as anyone on that.
I’m also not prone to any kind of overt emotional crying yelling stuff (maybe I should be, it seems to get results for every other woman I know, and female acquaintances have told me I need to make more of a fuss.) I tend to turn it all inwards, but there are times when my thought process is more ‘I have had a really terrible day at work. There is no ‘problem to solve’ here, I just need to tell you how absolutely fucking retired what I saw today was, and have you say ‘wow, that’s retarded’ and then on we go.
I’m sure most people get in from work and would appreciate someone to listen from them. How was your day, honey? Is something that shows care, no? Whether it’s a hug, or a massage, or cooking dinner or a shag. It’s all showing someone else you’re aware they’re stressed or unhappy and doing something that might not fix the underlying retardation but maybe makes life a bit nicer

 

[Uzumaki]

okay but why do you guys sometimes go overboard with this cuz I once got kinda gangbanged by guys on Discord

This is just male socialization. We tease each other on a level that women don’t find fun or acceptable. When men say women can’t “hang” they mean they take offence to male socialization.

Every now and the a woman convinces a group of men, accidentally or on purpose, that she’s one of them and can handle it. And so they include her. And she always has a really bad time.

I know you won’t be able to see this, but it really was a compliment, They thought you were cool.

What's a good way for a woman to write a male character if she's writing a story, and how can it be done to make it accurate?

I edit a lot of manuscripts. When I tell a woman she’s writing male characters like women these are the generic things she’s probably doing:

Overly intimate male friendships: Men tend to be more straightforward and blunt in our interactions, there’s less subtlety and innuendo (between friends at least) and more teasing and jokes. We have thicker skin and expect that in other men, Most importantly there’s far less physical intimacy, even just implied; a straight man doesn’t walk into another man’s room, fall onto his bed, and immediately ask for details about a romantic conquest (to use a real example).

Neurotic Inner Monologue: Unless you’re trying to portray a man as a neurotic, ease back on the inner monologue that’s just stuff he’s noticing around him or thinking about stuff that was shown on-screen. Less thinking more doing. Men don’t tend to play back every social interaction and analyze it unless it was very important and seemed to go poorly,

Patrick Bateman But Gay: Men don’t typically take itemized notice of every article of clothing everyone is wearing, and what fake-sounding colors they all are. Men actually see less colors than women on average so shit like mother-of-pearl is meaningless to most of us. If you find yourself using a word for a color more complex than teal, you’re on the wrong track. If you use the word “top”, you’re on the wrong track.

That’s what repeats. The most common thing I see is two male friends talking about one of the friends’ love interests and coming off like young girls gossiping about boys. It comes from wanting the male love interest to not be a pig, but not being able to see the middle ground between that and being a teen girl with a crush.

The main thing I've noticed myself personally with the men I know is I've only seen them cry when someone dies.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve cried as an adult, I remember each one, and I’m a big theatre kid pussy who lets himself cry if I feel it. Men don’t suppress crying, we just don’t have the physiological reaction in the same way.

Alright men, favorite Disney Princess (TM) and why? As a reminder, this is the lineup:
Snow White, Cinderella, Aurora, Ariel, Belle, Jasmine, Pocahontas, Mulan, Tiana, Rapunzel, Merida, Moana, and Raya.

Mulan. The rest suck although I have no idea who Raya is.

Mulan climbing the pole in I’ll make a man out of you, finally succeeding when she stops trying to be a man but leveraging her intelligence to find her own solution where the men using raw strength could not, is a more powerful moment than all the girlbossing of the last 15 years added together.

What’s the nicest thing a woman could do for you?

I know this isn’t what you want, you want something you can get credit for doing, but the answer is let something go. Allow yourself to be annoyed by something that you would have otherwise started drama or strife about and then not cause that strife. 99% of the time if a man is in a non-toxic relationship and he’s complaining about his partner it’s because she makes drama she there is none, almost like instinctively filling any void of peace like nature abhorring a vacuum, There is no active thing you could do that equals the value of not giving him a hard time about something.

 

[Otterly]

it’s because she makes drama she there is none, almost like instinctively filling any void of peace like nature abhorring a vacuum, There is no active thing you could do that equals the value of not giving him a hard time about something.

Can you give an example?

 

[souschef]

WOMAN GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY KITCHEN FOOD'S NOT DONE YET