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But with this increased visibility, we’re seeing more and more points of contact between cisgender gay men and transmasculine people, both in real-life spaces like bathhouses and nightclubs, and on dating apps like Grindr and Sniffies. That results in unfortunate experiences of prejudice, bigotry, and harassment, of course, but it has also led to some exciting connections. We don’t need to look at the numbers to know there are probably more trans guys having gay hook ups than ever before. If that’s not your jam, you’re missing out, but this article isn’t for you; this guide is for those who want to explore but don’t know how to, well, ask the fucking question.
Cis gay men — like all cis people — can sometimes hold themselves back from exploring sex, dating, or romance with trans men because, let’s face it, people are scared of the unknown. It doesn’t help that mainstream representation of transmasculine people — and especially of gay trans men — is so minimal, that there are fewer ambient opportunities for cis dudes to demystify having sex with us. With all of that in mind, well-meaning cis guys might not know how to approach trans men respectfully. Even the most conscious and socially aware cis gay men can get too in their heads about how to not overstep, say something unintentionally transphobic, or make it weird.
As a gay transmasc guy, I’m here to say, you really don’t have to overthink it. If you want to date, hook up, or romantically engage with trans men generally, your heart’s in the right place. That’s why we here at Them put out a call for the questions you always wanted to ask, but… maybe not to a trans guy’s face. Let’s break down some barriers for everyone’s benefit. Below, we’ve taken raw and unrefined questions from cis queer men and are going to give you straight-up answers from a trans man.
That said, assuming the best intentions, approach him like you would anyone else you want to date. The key is avoiding invasive questions that you wouldn’t ask cis people about their bodies and genders. Follow his lead to determine his comfort level in talking about his identity — he is not your educator if he doesn't want to be.
It’s important to just let it happen organically. Don’t force conversations that haven’t come up on their own. Again, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of not overthinking it and just overall being normal.
There isn't a step-by-step to making gay spaces more welcoming, but you could start by simply inviting your trans friends out to the gay club and making them feel… welcome. Take note: Does your venue have any overtly or covertly transphobic rules? Do the cis gay guys in your friend group make weird comments about trans people’s bodies? Is the event or space taking feedback from trans people into consideration? Are “passing” trans men or trans men that fit a narrow (read: white, thin, young) beauty standard the only trans people you see showing up to your space? Are any of the DJs, bartenders, bar backs, or gogos trans? These are all questions to consider. Making a space more welcoming of trans men is more than inclusive — makes a vibe better and hotter!
Rather than leading with “I like your [insert body part],” ask where he wants to be touched and listen to how he refers to the area. Under no circumstances should you just say, “hey I like your boobs/breats/vagina” without checking in. While some trans guys are fine with calling their front hole a “vagina” or “pussy,” you should never make that call for someone else, especially during a one-time hook up.
And, to be frank, you might want to be ready for some deep conversations! If you express that you’re into parts that make him feel dysphoric, you’ve probably got some talking to do — and this doesn't have to be scary or heavy depending on the guy. If you both feel connected and want to keep seeing each other on a longer-term basis, you need to leave room for him to change if he wants, and be honest with yourself about supporting that. One of the biggest anxieties I’ve had as a trans guy in dating is reaching a point in transition where a partner no longer is into me, so be very real with yourself before letting someone down.
Something to consider: a vasectomy is the most effective way to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and they’re far less invasive than getting a hysterectomy, which is his business and not yours.
And on that note, don't assume he's a bottom. Before you get to all this, maybe ask if he’s a top and go from there.
Also, remember confidence is sexy. Don't enter this conversation with tepidness and shame. Ask like it's normal, in passing even. You want to have sex. That's sexy. If you’re worried about activating dysphoria or crossing any lines, remember that he is more likely to open up to you if he feels like he can trust your hands. Keep checking in as you go, in a light and fun way. And it’s OK to expect the same thing from him.
Just Ask the F**king Question! Gay Guys Ask Trans Guys Anything
Transfags are so in. Those in the know have been clued in since time immemorial, but it’s clear we’re experiencing an unprecedented renaissance of gay transmasculinity that Lou Sullivan himself would shed a tear to see. People are buying tickets to watch us wrestle, some of your favorite porn performers are trans guys, and trans men are being cast as romantic leads. To that I say: Welcome to the party. Gay trans men rock. The best time to find that out was a while ago, and the second best time to find that out is right now.But with this increased visibility, we’re seeing more and more points of contact between cisgender gay men and transmasculine people, both in real-life spaces like bathhouses and nightclubs, and on dating apps like Grindr and Sniffies. That results in unfortunate experiences of prejudice, bigotry, and harassment, of course, but it has also led to some exciting connections. We don’t need to look at the numbers to know there are probably more trans guys having gay hook ups than ever before. If that’s not your jam, you’re missing out, but this article isn’t for you; this guide is for those who want to explore but don’t know how to, well, ask the fucking question.
Cis gay men — like all cis people — can sometimes hold themselves back from exploring sex, dating, or romance with trans men because, let’s face it, people are scared of the unknown. It doesn’t help that mainstream representation of transmasculine people — and especially of gay trans men — is so minimal, that there are fewer ambient opportunities for cis dudes to demystify having sex with us. With all of that in mind, well-meaning cis guys might not know how to approach trans men respectfully. Even the most conscious and socially aware cis gay men can get too in their heads about how to not overstep, say something unintentionally transphobic, or make it weird.
As a gay transmasc guy, I’m here to say, you really don’t have to overthink it. If you want to date, hook up, or romantically engage with trans men generally, your heart’s in the right place. That’s why we here at Them put out a call for the questions you always wanted to ask, but… maybe not to a trans guy’s face. Let’s break down some barriers for everyone’s benefit. Below, we’ve taken raw and unrefined questions from cis queer men and are going to give you straight-up answers from a trans man.
How do you approach a trans guy for a date without tokenizing him?
A fair question! First, it’s important to interrogate why you’re asking him on a date. The advice might be basic but it boils down to treating trans men like people as opposed to an avatar for our identity. Rather than thinking that you are asking out a Trans Man™, reframe it as a guy you’re asking on a date, who is also trans. Everyone wants to feel sought after for who they are, and that can include transness, but it probably shouldn’t be the primary motivator.That said, assuming the best intentions, approach him like you would anyone else you want to date. The key is avoiding invasive questions that you wouldn’t ask cis people about their bodies and genders. Follow his lead to determine his comfort level in talking about his identity — he is not your educator if he doesn't want to be.
It’s important to just let it happen organically. Don’t force conversations that haven’t come up on their own. Again, I can’t emphasize enough the importance of not overthinking it and just overall being normal.
Do you as a trans man feel welcomed in spaces for gay men? How can we do better?
It depends on the space and on the trans guy you’re asking! For many trans men, gay bathhouses, sex clubs, and bars feel like affirming spaces. But individual mileage can vary. Misgendering, microaggressive comments about “the surgery,” and unprompted invasive questions about our bodies can all make some of these spaces feel rancid in a heartbeat. It also doesn't help when cis gay guys give their “hot takes” about our genitals online — yikes!There isn't a step-by-step to making gay spaces more welcoming, but you could start by simply inviting your trans friends out to the gay club and making them feel… welcome. Take note: Does your venue have any overtly or covertly transphobic rules? Do the cis gay guys in your friend group make weird comments about trans people’s bodies? Is the event or space taking feedback from trans people into consideration? Are “passing” trans men or trans men that fit a narrow (read: white, thin, young) beauty standard the only trans people you see showing up to your space? Are any of the DJs, bartenders, bar backs, or gogos trans? These are all questions to consider. Making a space more welcoming of trans men is more than inclusive — makes a vibe better and hotter!
What do I do with a clitoris?
First of all, don’t call it that unless you know he’s fine with it! Secondly, I promise you it is not rocket science. Sex with trans men is like sex with literally anyone else; you have to ask what feels good to the person you’re hooking up with and go from there. Everyone’s body is different, meaning no two trans men are going to like the same thing. Not to mention, many trans men have dicks. And for further reading, stay on our website.Is it okay to be attracted to a trans guy’s vagina or breasts if he has them? Can I express that?
It’s totally OK to be attracted to your date or hook-up, but how you verbalize that needs to be intentional. Again, it’s important to be mindful about the language your connection feels good using. It’s absolutely crucial to let him take the lead on this. While some trans men feel totally fine with their chests and front holes being touched or spoken about, some don’t want to be touched there at all, and others don’t want them acknowledged, even positively.Rather than leading with “I like your [insert body part],” ask where he wants to be touched and listen to how he refers to the area. Under no circumstances should you just say, “hey I like your boobs/breats/vagina” without checking in. While some trans guys are fine with calling their front hole a “vagina” or “pussy,” you should never make that call for someone else, especially during a one-time hook up.
And, to be frank, you might want to be ready for some deep conversations! If you express that you’re into parts that make him feel dysphoric, you’ve probably got some talking to do — and this doesn't have to be scary or heavy depending on the guy. If you both feel connected and want to keep seeing each other on a longer-term basis, you need to leave room for him to change if he wants, and be honest with yourself about supporting that. One of the biggest anxieties I’ve had as a trans guy in dating is reaching a point in transition where a partner no longer is into me, so be very real with yourself before letting someone down.
How do I ask a FTM guy if he can get pregnant?
First and foremost, you never want to lead an interaction with this question. It really ruins the mood. As is the case for anyone, simply plan on not cumming inside them until you ask. Condoms are 98% effective at preventing pregnancy. It’s important to note that testosterone is not a birth control. Try having a broader conversation about protection and STIs, and what kind of protection they want to use. There are also plenty of sex acts, like anal and oral, that don’t come with a risk of pregnancy.Something to consider: a vasectomy is the most effective way to prevent unwanted pregnancy, and they’re far less invasive than getting a hysterectomy, which is his business and not yours.
And on that note, don't assume he's a bottom. Before you get to all this, maybe ask if he’s a top and go from there.
When talking dirty on the apps pre-hookup, what would be a good way to ask what he likes without triggering dysphoria?
It’s good to be thoughtful and not want to make your hookup feel weird. You don’t need to have a whole thing to avoid dysphoria. Like any guy on the app, ask what he's into and go from there. Ask where he wants to be touched, what he likes, and listen to how he refers to his body. If you are unsure about using a term, maybe hold off on asking unless your hookup is progesses into more like a date. When in doubt, broad compliments like “you’re really hot,” “what do you want me to do to you,” or “what do you want to do to me” are classics.Do trans men have more than one packer?
Packers are like any item in your closet — some people have a lot, others have none at all. And still more use DIY packers like socks. Some people have a variety of different sizes, or different materials for different occasions. Again, it depends on the person!I've dated trans men casually in the past but I have anxiety surrounding sexual intimacy. How can I start that conversation respectfully?
First of all, it’s great that you want to approach the conversation respectfully and thoughtfully. Secondly, you don’t need to reinvent the wheel. Like sex with anyone else, having sexual intimacy with trans men boils down to being a respectful sexual partner, period. That means asking what your partner likes during sex and listening to his boundaries.Also, remember confidence is sexy. Don't enter this conversation with tepidness and shame. Ask like it's normal, in passing even. You want to have sex. That's sexy. If you’re worried about activating dysphoria or crossing any lines, remember that he is more likely to open up to you if he feels like he can trust your hands. Keep checking in as you go, in a light and fun way. And it’s OK to expect the same thing from him.
