Culture What Did We Get Stuck in Our Rectums Last Year - 2025 edition.

Article
https://archive.is/IyAxw


This is the time of year to be grateful for not having things stuck in our asses, and to think of those less fortunate than us. So spare a thought for those Americans who misjudged the capacity of their own orifices.

All reports are taken from the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission's database of emergency room visits, all descriptions are verbatim, and all the people involved had a very bad time.

Penis

• BATTERY
• CANDLE WAX
• CHESS PIECE
• 2 GLASS BEADS
• PEN
• PENCIL
• COMB
• APPLE STEMS
• APPLE CORE
• BOBBY PIN
• PAPER CLIP
• MAGNETS
• SPRING
• SCREW
• STAPLES
• THERMOMETER
• HEADPHONES
• GUITAR STRING
• ALLEN WRENCH

Vagina

• HOLIDAY BELL
• LIGHTER
• ALUMINUM FOIL
• COTTON BALLS
• POPSICLE STICK
• PLASTIC ORCA
• GEMSTONE
• "INSERTED TWO DIAMOND RINGS IN HER VAGINA WHILE AT A PARTY IN FEAR THEY WOULD BE STOLEN"
• LATEX GLOVE
• BATH BOMB
• SMALL PLASTIC MERMAID
• FLOWER TOY
• "REPORTS A BAG OF MARIJUANA HAS BEEN IN HER VAGINA FOR 2 DAYS AND IS UNCOMFORTABLE"
• BRACELET CHARMS
• 2 VIBRATORS
• PENIS RING
• 2 PENIS RINGS
• 2 SPOONS
• "WAS USING A PIECE OF PLASTIC TO MASTURBATE WHEN GOT SPOOKED BY THE WIND OUTSIDE AND THREW THE SHEET OVER HERSELF IN THE PROCESS LODGING THE PIECE OF PLASTIC DEEPER INTO HER VAGINA AND WASN'T ABLE TO RETRIEVE"
• HAIRBRUSH
• DETERGENT POD
• PLUNGER CAP
• BEER BOTTLE, "WAS ON A CRUISE ON HER HONEYMOON"

Rectum

• LUBRICANT BOTTLE
• ENEMA BOTTLE
• NAILS
• SCREWS AND NAILS
• "PATIENT STATES HE PUT A BASEBALL IN HIS RECTUM TO SEE WHAT IT FELT LIKE"
• AEROSOL CAN
• DOG CHEW TOY
• DRYER SHEET
• "WAS FEELING CONSTIPATED FOR 2 DAYS, HE TOOK THE BASE OFF OF HIS BEARD CLIPPERS AND WRAPPED IN A PLASTIC BAGGIE, INSERTED INTO THE RECTUM AND IT GOT STUCK"
• BATON
• HAIR TIE
• "CONCERN ABOUT IF HE STILL HAD A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HIS RECTUM. HIS GIRLFRIEND PLACED IT THERE ON FRIDAY"
• TURKEY BASTER
• PLASTIC CLEANSER BOTTLE (FULL OF LIQUID)
• "REPORTS HE SLIPPED IN THE SHOWER AND A SHAMPOO BOTTLE WENT INTO HIS RECTUM"
• "STATES HE WAS IN THE SHOWER 'WAS BORED' WHEN PT PLACED SHAMPOO BOTTLE INTO RECTUM"
• DENTAL PICK
• WINE STOPPER
• CORN COB HOLDER
• "HAD GONE OUT WITH WIFE WIFE LAST NIGHT AND HAD TOO MANY DRINKS, WENT HOME DRUNK, WIFE INSERTED A RUBBERY SEX TOY INTO PT'S RECTUM, UNABLE TO REMOVE"
• HIGHLIGHTER
• INVISIBLE MARKER
• MAGIC WAND TOY
• "REPORTS 7-INCH DILDO INSERTED INTO RECTUM WHEN IT ACCIDENTALLY WENT TOO FAR. HE ATTEMPTED TO USE PLIERS TO REMOVE IT. PLIERS STUCK TOO"
• MARBLES
• FILM CANISTER
• BATTERY-POWERED LIGHT
• "PLASTIC COATHANGER INSIDE HIS ANUS. HE INSERTED THE HANGER DURING SEXUAL ACTIVITY. HE CUT OFF THE OUTSIDE OF THE HANGER SO HE COULD DRIVE TO THE ER"
• PENNY
• SANDAL
• DOORKNOB
• "HE INSERTED A LIGHT BULB INTO HIS RECTUM THIS MORNING WITH THE GLASS SIDE FIRST AND DUE TO THE SUCTION EFFECT, THE BULB GOT SUCKED UP"
• FLASHLIGHT
• VAPE PEN
• "POSSIBLE RECTAL FOREIGN BODY. SHE REPORTS PLACING A SMALL VIBRATOR IN HER RECTUM, SHE DOES NOT REMEMBER REMOVING IT AND CANNOT FIND IT"
• 2 PENCILS
• CORNCOB-STYLE PIPE
• "REPORTS USING A BUTT PLUG IN HER ANUS A FEW HOURS AGO WHEN IT BROKE OFF. SIGNIFICANT OTHER USED TWEEZERS TO RETRIEVE PIECE THAT BROKE OFF. TWEEZERS NOW STUCK IN RECTUM"
• RUBBER GASKET
• UNCOOKED PASTA
• PIECE OF NOSE HAIR TRIMMER
• "STATES HE HAS A FOREIGN BODY IN HIS RECTUM THAT IS VIBRATING. HE STATES HE WAS WITH A GIRL LAST NIGHT AND DOESN'T REMEMBER MUCH"
• EYEGLASSES
• ROCK
• EGG
• "WAS BEING INTIMATE WITH HIS GIRLFRIEND AND THEY SHOVED A RECTANGULAR TRAVEL TOOTHBRUSH HOLDER IN HIS RECTUM, WAS ABLE TO GET HALF OF IT OUT"
• MULTIPLE SEX TOYS
• CAT-HEADED VIBRATOR
• 18-INCH DILDO
• 24-INCH DILDO
• "REPORTS HAVING A 6 INCH VIBRATOR IN RECTUM SINCE 2:00 PM TODAY. DOESN'T RECALL PLACING VIBRATOR IN RECTUM. ALSO REPORTED TAKING 'POPPERS' AT THE TIME"

 

[Ballsack Pussylips]

It cannot have been all the way in surely?
And if it wasn’t why not just pull it out?
I shouldn’t ask these questions, yet the compulsion to stare right into the abyss is why I’m here

Such people have practice. I can't find it atm, but there is an old tweet from the bad dragon owner shoving a dildo up his ass that is the size of a 2l Coke bottle.

 

[Haramburger]

I like that this is becoming an annual article

 

[Rozzy]

What BMW drivers got stuck in their rectums.

 

[Dog-O-Tron 5000v5.0]

Who the fuck is putting a chess piece in their dick? Reading about sounding makes me queasy

A Very Intellectual Degenerate

Where do you find a film canister in 2025 (in the butt apparently.

 

[KiwiFuzz2]

Such people have practice. I can't find it atm, but there is an old tweet from the bad dragon owner shoving a dildo up his ass that is the size of a 2l Coke bottle.

Why not cut out the middleman and just shove an enormous plastic Coke bottle up your ass?

 

[DoomsdayElite]

Nothing, because I'm not an oversexed degenerate. I hate this "we" shit, like we're all one big happy community.

 

[Burd Turglar]

Who the fuck is putting a chess piece in their dick? Reading about sounding makes me queasy

I always have to scroll past the penis list. Butts and pussys are funny but the dick hole shit makes me physically cringe.

 

[Nick Gars]

I mean I know I’m on the petite side but in the interests of science I just got a measuring tape (on the outside, safety first!) and 24 inches from my bum reaches the top of where my heart is. All i can say is what the fuck, fucks sake, you fucking degenerate. Hilarious.

The anus takes a curve after a bit, then the lower intestine folds onto itself, so the real question here is how floppy this 24-incher was. Anything that large with any kind of rigidity shouldn't be able to get far enough inside to get stuck short of recieving the "Vlad The Impaler" treatment.

 

[Otterly]

Why not cut out the middleman and just shove an enormous plastic Coke bottle up your ass?

It’s simply not degenerate enough.

 

[Marketable Bootleg]

I like how there's full sentences detailing the lore behind the ER visit and others that are simply reported "EGG". Adds a refreshing variety to the list.

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

FLOWER TOY

I hope it wasn't that rose that "sucks" on the clitoris.

 

[Solid Snek]

Why not cut out the middleman and just shove an enormous plastic Coke bottle up your ass?

It's the owner of Bad Dragon, the furry animal dildo company. You could shove a Coke bottle up your ass, sure, but Bad Dragon Guy has a vested financial interest in convincing people to pay top dollar to shove bespoke oversized animal dildos up their asses.

 

[Clockwork]

Who the fuck is putting a chess piece in their dick? Reading about sounding makes me queasy

I feel the real question is: which chess piece is someone putting in their dick?

Any of them would be horrifying, but at least a pawn - being the smallest - would be the least eye-watering. A rook or a bishop would be worse, and then we've got the frighteningly large queen and king. Although not the tallest piece, the most horrifying - I'm guessing - would have to be a knight with its hook-shaped horse's head.

I was quite disappointed the exact chess piece wasn't specified, and, wondering if there was a write-up in a urology journal or something, did a Google search for "chess piece in urethra". That's how I found out there is a whole set of chess-themed sex toys, which hopefully have never had to be removed in the ER.

Spoiler: No nudity, but spoilered for sex toys

 

[Turquoise]

Even an LED one is asking for trouble. I'd like to know how people keep slipping their assholes onto shampoo bottles in the shower. Maybe I'm in the minority, but I keep my bathing stuff on a shelf in the shower. Like a civilized person that isn't into shoving bottles up my ass.

In the early days of the internet there was one of those shock videos in which a man puts a drinking glass up his tailpipe. It breaks inside him and a torrent of blood rains down from his ruined sphincter.

 

[Turquoise]

For those that don't know, putting a chess piece in your penis is called a skewer, anus; defending the back rank and vagina; a prophylactic move.

 

[Jamal McGucci]

I dunno, guitar string seems the worst to me. Those things are sharp.

 

[Shroom King]

That's how I found out there is a whole set of chess-themed sex toys, which hopefully have never had to be removed in the ER.

Dude, we all know those toys are advertised as "easy insertion AND removal, or your money back!"

 

[Agent Abe Caprine]

I dunno, guitar string seems the worst to me. Those things are sharp.

Broke a guitar string trying to do some advanced technique I really shouldn't have been trying. Could have gotten my arm sliced open, but got lucky. Just the sound of it snapping hurt.

 

[Lizard Pope]

In the early days of the internet there was one of those shock videos in which a man puts a drinking glass up his tailpipe. It breaks inside him and a torrent of blood rains down from his ruined sphincter.

One Man One Jar, classic.
It makes you wince, but(t) it’s still fucking old school gold.

 

[Jerri's Kid]

Why not cut out the middleman and just shove an enormous plastic Coke bottle up your ass?

I hate that I have this information floating around in my head, but you really want something with a flange if you're gonna stick it up your ass. This radio comedienne I used to listen to talked about this subject for laughs and a bunch of doctors called in to tell their stories. One doctor said that once when she was working the ER she had to remove a coke bottle from a 300 lb. man and it was like trying to wrangle a 500 lb. tuna because it was really stuck up there. Another doctor who worked in a prison said that when the anus gets irritated from sticking objects inside of it, a reverse peristalsis occurs which sucks up the object. A flange prevents this from happening.