Schrodingers_redfish [score hidden] 21 hours ago
Situations like this can be real tricky. I definitely don't think you're in the wrong for suspecting she doesn't entirely accept you as a boy. No one can tell you what to do in this situation or how to live your life but I can tell you about the experience I had with a similar situation.
My (now ex) wife didn't want me to start transition. She's a lesbian and by what she said, it was fine if we were together as long as I didn't transition because I was "shaped like a woman" and hormones will change that. I divorced her and transitioned and I'm happier now.
My two cents is that if your partner is more interested in maintaining her relationship to her sexuality than maintaining her relationship with you, then it might be a sign to let the relationship go.
That said, it may be better to try talking to her about how her comment made you feel. Sometimes people just don't realize the implications of the things they say. Sometimes people don't realize flawed patterns of thought on their own.
Try to talk it out but try to be prepared to accept that she may not be receptive. Good luck
Extension_Virus_8480 [score hidden] 21 hours ago
i mean, it sucks when people assume a bi (or pan, poly, or otherwise) person is straight just because theyre in a relationship with someone of the opposite gender, but I can't deny that this whole situation sounds icky
PtowzaPotato [score hidden] 20 hours ago
There are support groups online for bisexual women in 'straight' relationships, she is not alone in this feeling, but it's not your responsibility to do anything about it
stankymerp [score hidden] 21 hours ago
I had an ex who held a similar position and it was super invalidating. I would recommend talking to her about your feelings and how dysphoric it is for you. She needs to decide if "looking" queer is more important to her than dating you is.
bicyclefortwo- he/they, T since 09/09/22 [score hidden] 20 hours ago
Who is she concerned about appearing queer to? Publicly, it would be safer for the both of you. Are her friends the kind of people to invalidate a bi woman based on her relationships? And if that's the case then it isn't how she sees you but her fear of being rejected/mocked by them for visible dating a man. Still unfair to take it out on you but a bit more understandable and reparable than her not even seeing you as a man
[–]whistleBoat [score hidden] 21 hours ago
It sounds like she looks at her partner's identity to validate her own. In some ways, I get where she's coming from. When people assume a straight-passing couple is cis hetero, for example, is something that contributes to a lot of erasure of bisexual identity.
I'd say there are two important things to talk with her about.
What does she think about her, and your, identities when you're not in public? You're concerned she doesn't see you two as a hetero couple at home, which invalidates you as a man but also has to do with how she sees herself.
What does she think about her, and your, identities regarding public image? If public validation of her queerness is important, maybe there are other ways of helping her feel seen that don't have to rely on using your identity.
If you want to stealth and she doesn't, that's something you need to talk about. This is the part where I think you said it best; your transness can't be the sole defining point of her queerness.
Ideally you can both reassure each other in your relationship. You deserve to be seen as the man you are. She deserves a society that doesn't project a heteronormative assumption on her, but that's not on you or your identity to deliver.
MercuryChaos- T: 2009 |
2010 [score hidden] 20 hours ago
She's going to have to find other ways to express her queerness other than "being in a relationship with someone who looks like a woman". Lots of bi/pan people in straight relationships, as well as enbies in straight-passing relationships, have this same issue.
