Dating a Cis Woman
Hey, fellas. Just wanting to vent real quick to those who will understand. I’m dating a cis woman and she’s made some comments that have made me feel kind of uncomfortable.
She’s the love of my life and not ill-intentioned at all, but sometimes I just wish she could empathize with me as a transgender man. We recently moved to a new place together and
we were going out on a date at a tea place in the Asian district by our house. I was feeling very dysphoric and was worried how I was going to be perceived in public which I told my gf. She said that “Asian men look more like women anyway” so that I would be fine (we’re both white btw). Excuse me???
I was visibly upset and taken aback by this and when she asked me what was wrong I simply repeated what she said back to her and she said something to the effect of “you know what I meant.”
A few nights ago after initiating intimacy with me (I politely declined saying that I was tired)
she jokingly said “oh sorry I didn’t know that I was with my girlfriend and all we do is cuddle and pillow fight” which really hurt my feelings. I asked her if she saw me as a man and she said that she does and that she meant “girlfriend” as in like friend and not in like a wlw way.
I told her that my anxiety makes it hard for me to believe bc of my…anatomy… and that my internalized transphobia makes it hard for me to believe that she wants me as a man and not as a woman. She was offended and
accused me of “using her bisexuality against her” and said that she deals with enough biphobia from everyone else and that she’d like for me to trust her that she views me as a man. I tried explaining that I genuinely didn’t mean to offend her or be biphobic bc that’s not where my mind went at all and that it was purely me invalidating myself and projecting that onto her. She wasn’t too keen on my explanation.
I asked her if when she was intimate with me that she viewed me as a man to which she replied “we are intimate the way we need to be intimate” and that we are just people. I told her that it concerned me that she didn’t just say that she viewed me as a man. She told me that
I should go date a straight girl then. She told me that I needed to get my dysphoria under control and that just bc my issues are revolved around my internalized transphobia doesn’t mean that it’s not impacting her in different ways (biphobia, misogyny). A common issue for us as of late is my internalized transphobia is appearing as misogyny (and perhaps is admittedly internalized misogyny).
On a recent road trip we took, my car broke down and she fixed it. When we left the store with the supplies to fix the car she looked at me and said that she was “so boyfriend.” I got huffy and dysphoric and super lame about it bc I felt sad that I didn’t know how to fix my car and felt as though if I were a “real man” I would be better doing things like that. She got upset with me and claimed that I was just upset that a woman fixed his car. I told her no and that I thought it was kick ass and that I’m very appreciative it was just me being transphobic towards myself.
I told her that the issue for me was not that she could fix the car, it was that I could not. She didn’t seem to believe me and told me once again that I was just upset bc I felt emasculated and pointlessly gendering things. Once we moved in,
she built all the furniture (that’s more of her skill set whereas I come from a conservative background wherein my parents didn’t teach me “masculine” life skills) and I jumped at the opportunity to help her. She refused my help just about every single time. I basically just stood around while she worked. I told her that I felt bad for her working while I was standing around doing nothing and that I wanted to help.
She brought up the whole “gender roles” issue again, but I told her that I just genuinely wanted to help and that I’ve never really had the opportunity to learn anything about working with my hands and I’d like to learn.
Before moving in,
she told me that this is basically how everything would go and that she would be in charge and all that jazz and I told her that I’d like to be useful and she told me that she didn’t want me to be useful. I brought it up and told her that
I feel like I don’t bring much to the table for her and she said that I was being misogynistic bc I was undervaluing the more “feminine” life skills that I have. I told her that I loved being emotional support for her but that I wanted to expand my skills.
I asked her to name what I bring to the table outside of emotional support and she pretty much couldn’t outside of I’m a good cook and even though she can cook well she doesn’t like to. I told her that
I sort of felt like more of a companion rather than a partner. She said I didn’t need to bc she was there to take care of it and that relationships are never 50/50 and sometimes they’re 90/10. Ouch. I told her that I felt like she could get the same things she gets out of a relationship with me by owning a dog.
She was raised learning a lot more outside of gender roles and I wasn’t which is why I’m such an underprepared adult.
My parents expected me to be a housewife and marry a rich man only for me to turn out a very stupid and very poor man. She said that a dog couldn’t help her the way I can and that I’m undervaluing what I bring to the table bc it’s traditionally seen as feminine. Meanwhile, when I bring up my past as a lesbian/woman (I definitely wasn’t and it was just something that everyone was convinced I was and that I thought I was too) it makes her uncomfortable. When I talk to my women friends (I was in a sorority and I’m pretty much only friends with women) she gets uncomfortable bc I act feminine and that it doesn’t seem like me.
I told her that since transitioning I’ve become more comfortable with my feminine side and that that group just brings it out of me. She said that it feels more like “when white people are super into Black culture.” I told her that I can understand that, but I really truly just thought I was being myself. She says that it comes off as condescending and that women don’t like being treated the way that I treat them. I asked her if any of our friends had approached her about this and that I want/need to correct my behavior. She said that no one has but that I need to figure out how I really act bc she thinks I’m putting on sort of a show to fit in when I don’t need to anymore since I’ve come out and transitioned
. I thought I was being myself but maybe I’m not?? Maybe I really am being misogynist and encroaching on women’s issues as a man, but to me it doesn’t feel like it.
I know that it’s complicated and that even though I never identified as a woman or with womanhood, I presented like a woman and was treated as a woman for the vast majority of my life and have just recently started my transition.
It feels invalidating to hear the my partner dismiss my experiences (especially with misogyny and homophobia from others) and claim that my issues with myself are actually issues with her. I understand that I am not perfect by ANY means and that I can be a complete mess and that my issues truly do impact her, but am I crazy for thinking that I feel like I’m saying one thing and she’s hearing another? I am just frustrated bc I’ve done a lot of work in therapy over these past few years and have made great progress unlearning so much of the toxically masculine standards and ideas about gender and relationships and I’ve made great progress. But I would be remiss without acknowledging that I have a lot of areas in which I need to improve and that there’s a very real possibility that subconsciously my prejudices are leading me to feel this way.
Maybe I’m in the wrong for this, but sometimes when these issues come up I feel like she’s unnecessarily making it about herself. If I am in the wrong for this or have any advice
please, please let me know. I love with woman more than life itself and want our relationship to work more than anything. Thanks for reading, those of you who did, and I apologize for the long and unpolished rant. Have a great rest of your day, gentlemen and themntlemen
. If I wasn’t limited to these buffoons, I’d switch to someone else
