Article|Archive(German)
My friend Rosa's coat is royal blue, with a leopard-print lining. Her ex-boyfriend, Simon, paid for it. But it wasn't a gift. After they broke up, Rosa demanded that he pay her for all the work she'd put into it. Her reasoning: Even though the relationship was over, he would benefit his entire life from everything she taught him. She should be rewarded—if necessary with an expensive coat.
Intuitively, I found it strange when she told me about it. Shouldn't relationships be based on trust, not work? Why should anyone pay for love? Especially when it's over?
But when I talked about it with my friend, I realized: There are good reasons why women should demand financial compensation for everything they do for relationships.
The wage gap is still there
1. Women generally earn less money than men . Numerous studies have shown that they are paid less (the so-called gender pay gap) , often for the same jobs. According to the Federal Statistical Office, women earn an average of 16 percent less than men. This alone would suggest that men in relationships should compensate women if they support true equality.
2. At the same time, women often have higher expenses than men. This isn't just about the fact that some products marketed to women are more expensive than comparable goods for men— this is also called the "pink tax ." Or that women spend on products that most men don't need, such as tampons, pads, period underwear, or bras. Men who recognize this injustice should also participate in this.
Women spend more on their appearance
It's about a calculation that young women in particular are making on TikTok . If a man and a woman go to a restaurant on a date, it usually looks like this: She puts on makeup , does her hair, and spends a long time thinking about what to wear so that she feels comfortable. Many women constantly do what is known as maintenance, looking after their bodies - nails, basic skincare routine, hair removal, Botox. On TikTok, women do the math : the products they use for this often cost several hundred euros a month. And who benefits from this? Of course, their partner is also happy when the woman looks well-groomed.
3. All this personal care not only costs her money, but also time, which he doesn't invest. Some TikTokers also mention this . While she takes an hour or two, he smells his armpit in preparation for the date and maybe puts on a fresh T-shirt.
This certainly isn't the case for all men. However, some do have time to rejuvenate, network at work, or brag about overtime to their boss – which gives them a financial advantage. Shouldn't he at least use the money from his latest promotion to pay for a meal at a restaurant? And his coat on top of that?
One could counter that no one forces women to wear makeup, wax their hair, or inject Botox. But when is social pressure so strong that it resembles coercion?
An indirect coercion
For as long as I can remember, others have commented on my appearance. I've been told that I'm too ugly, that my thighs are too thick, that my breasts aren't big enough, that I'm not feminine enough. At 13, I learned that pubic hair can be a reason for not being loved. It's an experience many women have .
Many magazines at the time were filled with articles about women whose "flaws" disgusted them . On television shows, women were criticized for their looks . There are studies that show that women who wear makeup have better career prospects—can anyone really blame women for being preoccupied with their appearance?
Invisible work that should be paid
4. In addition to the visible effort women make to be considered attractive, there is also the invisible work they perform in relationships. First, there is traditional care work. Women take more care of family members and the household than men.
A friend of mine, for example, is a good cook. She lived with her ex-boyfriend for several years. During that time, she often prepared meals for him and herself three times a day. When she cooks, it often takes several hours. I know this because I've often sat hungry on her sofa. Conversely, she says, he doesn't even make her coffee when she's home. Men age healthily in relationships . It's no wonder a man has a private cook. Shouldn't he pay her?
This friend is aware of what she does for others and has long demanded that the men she dates cover their expenses. Once, years later, she sent a man a payment request via Venmo. Her reasoning was that he got much more out of their sexual interaction than she did. One can argue about whether sex is a form of care work , but in her case, she seemed to have put in more effort than he did. He sent €200. Even though I would never have dared to send such a request, I admired it.
Women often make men better people
Now, one could argue that there are relationships in which the partner neither wears makeup nor cooks. Nevertheless, there remains one form of work that many women take on: emotional work.
That was also the case with my friend Rosa. She and her partner had been together for almost three years. When they had breakfast on the balcony, the table was full of plates, glasses, and empty coffee cups. When she got up, she automatically took things into the kitchen. Then she walked back and forth ten times while he read the newspaper. Simon wasn't very good at navigating conversations either. If he didn't greet someone, Rosa would point it out to him so he wouldn't seem rude. So far, so good. This is classic care work.
But getting your partner to change their behavior is at least as exhausting. Rosa says she's done it often. She's always been careful not to make him feel attacked. Getting him to see and take on tasks—and also paying attention to his feelings—is emotional work . And it takes energy.
Some things weigh more heavily on women
Sure: In relationships, both always learn from and with each other. Nevertheless, some things weigh more heavily on women. It is often up to them to explain to men how to treat women properly and, above all, to accept a no. Many women invest time, energy and pain to explain sexism, assault and inequality to men.
When I get to know someone, I spend a lot of energy trying to figure out if they know what sexual consent is. I try to gauge how likely it is that he will accept my limits. I explain to him how often they have been transgressed and why women are socially disadvantaged. I explain to him that of course a condom must be used, because most women can get pregnant. And because the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases is often higher for women who sleep with men than the other way around. All this is exhausting.
I can hardly understand that I found Rosa's demand to Simon intuitively strange. Today he is a different man. Everything he has learned from her increases his value in the labor and relationship market. The coat she received from him has a symbolic character for her. Simon has thus recognized her work.
Many men benefit for a lifetime
I believe that many men benefit their whole lives from being changed by women. Rosa inspired others in our circle of friends with her demand: When she separated, a friend took all the furniture she wanted from the shared apartment. Her ex also accepted this as payment for her emotional work.
Many men have asked me how they can learn more about feminism. I believe that if you want to change, you have to look for an environment from and in which you can learn together what injustice looks like. At least that's how it is for me. And then it may be possible to find out how this can be compensated, even if only in a single interpersonal relationship.
Why is money a good balance? Because if you love me at any point in your life, you should make sure that I am not affected by poverty in old age by investing in my retirement savings! If you're serious about equality, the pink tax knows, the gender pay gap, the gender care gap, if you profit your whole life from the work I've put into you – where is my money?
My friend Rosa's coat is royal blue, with a leopard-print lining. Her ex-boyfriend, Simon, paid for it. But it wasn't a gift. After they broke up, Rosa demanded that he pay her for all the work she'd put into it. Her reasoning: Even though the relationship was over, he would benefit his entire life from everything she taught him. She should be rewarded—if necessary with an expensive coat.
Intuitively, I found it strange when she told me about it. Shouldn't relationships be based on trust, not work? Why should anyone pay for love? Especially when it's over?
But when I talked about it with my friend, I realized: There are good reasons why women should demand financial compensation for everything they do for relationships.
The wage gap is still there
1. Women generally earn less money than men . Numerous studies have shown that they are paid less (the so-called gender pay gap) , often for the same jobs. According to the Federal Statistical Office, women earn an average of 16 percent less than men. This alone would suggest that men in relationships should compensate women if they support true equality.
2. At the same time, women often have higher expenses than men. This isn't just about the fact that some products marketed to women are more expensive than comparable goods for men— this is also called the "pink tax ." Or that women spend on products that most men don't need, such as tampons, pads, period underwear, or bras. Men who recognize this injustice should also participate in this.
Women spend more on their appearance
It's about a calculation that young women in particular are making on TikTok . If a man and a woman go to a restaurant on a date, it usually looks like this: She puts on makeup , does her hair, and spends a long time thinking about what to wear so that she feels comfortable. Many women constantly do what is known as maintenance, looking after their bodies - nails, basic skincare routine, hair removal, Botox. On TikTok, women do the math : the products they use for this often cost several hundred euros a month. And who benefits from this? Of course, their partner is also happy when the woman looks well-groomed.
3. All this personal care not only costs her money, but also time, which he doesn't invest. Some TikTokers also mention this . While she takes an hour or two, he smells his armpit in preparation for the date and maybe puts on a fresh T-shirt.
This certainly isn't the case for all men. However, some do have time to rejuvenate, network at work, or brag about overtime to their boss – which gives them a financial advantage. Shouldn't he at least use the money from his latest promotion to pay for a meal at a restaurant? And his coat on top of that?
One could counter that no one forces women to wear makeup, wax their hair, or inject Botox. But when is social pressure so strong that it resembles coercion?
An indirect coercion
For as long as I can remember, others have commented on my appearance. I've been told that I'm too ugly, that my thighs are too thick, that my breasts aren't big enough, that I'm not feminine enough. At 13, I learned that pubic hair can be a reason for not being loved. It's an experience many women have .
Many magazines at the time were filled with articles about women whose "flaws" disgusted them . On television shows, women were criticized for their looks . There are studies that show that women who wear makeup have better career prospects—can anyone really blame women for being preoccupied with their appearance?
Invisible work that should be paid
4. In addition to the visible effort women make to be considered attractive, there is also the invisible work they perform in relationships. First, there is traditional care work. Women take more care of family members and the household than men.
A friend of mine, for example, is a good cook. She lived with her ex-boyfriend for several years. During that time, she often prepared meals for him and herself three times a day. When she cooks, it often takes several hours. I know this because I've often sat hungry on her sofa. Conversely, she says, he doesn't even make her coffee when she's home. Men age healthily in relationships . It's no wonder a man has a private cook. Shouldn't he pay her?
This friend is aware of what she does for others and has long demanded that the men she dates cover their expenses. Once, years later, she sent a man a payment request via Venmo. Her reasoning was that he got much more out of their sexual interaction than she did. One can argue about whether sex is a form of care work , but in her case, she seemed to have put in more effort than he did. He sent €200. Even though I would never have dared to send such a request, I admired it.
Women often make men better people
Now, one could argue that there are relationships in which the partner neither wears makeup nor cooks. Nevertheless, there remains one form of work that many women take on: emotional work.
That was also the case with my friend Rosa. She and her partner had been together for almost three years. When they had breakfast on the balcony, the table was full of plates, glasses, and empty coffee cups. When she got up, she automatically took things into the kitchen. Then she walked back and forth ten times while he read the newspaper. Simon wasn't very good at navigating conversations either. If he didn't greet someone, Rosa would point it out to him so he wouldn't seem rude. So far, so good. This is classic care work.
But getting your partner to change their behavior is at least as exhausting. Rosa says she's done it often. She's always been careful not to make him feel attacked. Getting him to see and take on tasks—and also paying attention to his feelings—is emotional work . And it takes energy.
Some things weigh more heavily on women
Sure: In relationships, both always learn from and with each other. Nevertheless, some things weigh more heavily on women. It is often up to them to explain to men how to treat women properly and, above all, to accept a no. Many women invest time, energy and pain to explain sexism, assault and inequality to men.
When I get to know someone, I spend a lot of energy trying to figure out if they know what sexual consent is. I try to gauge how likely it is that he will accept my limits. I explain to him how often they have been transgressed and why women are socially disadvantaged. I explain to him that of course a condom must be used, because most women can get pregnant. And because the risk of contracting sexually transmitted diseases is often higher for women who sleep with men than the other way around. All this is exhausting.
I can hardly understand that I found Rosa's demand to Simon intuitively strange. Today he is a different man. Everything he has learned from her increases his value in the labor and relationship market. The coat she received from him has a symbolic character for her. Simon has thus recognized her work.
Many men benefit for a lifetime
I believe that many men benefit their whole lives from being changed by women. Rosa inspired others in our circle of friends with her demand: When she separated, a friend took all the furniture she wanted from the shared apartment. Her ex also accepted this as payment for her emotional work.
Many men have asked me how they can learn more about feminism. I believe that if you want to change, you have to look for an environment from and in which you can learn together what injustice looks like. At least that's how it is for me. And then it may be possible to find out how this can be compensated, even if only in a single interpersonal relationship.
Why is money a good balance? Because if you love me at any point in your life, you should make sure that I am not affected by poverty in old age by investing in my retirement savings! If you're serious about equality, the pink tax knows, the gender pay gap, the gender care gap, if you profit your whole life from the work I've put into you – where is my money?
