💼 Careercow Jack Russell Scalfani / Cooking With Jack / Jack on the Go Show / jakatak - YouTube "Celebrity" "Chef", Living Encyclopedia of Gluttony-Induced Maladies, Salmonella Elemental

  • 🏰 The Fediverse is up. If you know, you know.
  • Want to keep track of this thread?
    Accounts can bookmark posts, watch threads for updates, and jump back to where you stopped reading.
    Create account

When will Jack drop dead?

  • February-March 2024

    Votes: 6 0.4%

  • April-May 2024

    Votes: 6 0.4%

  • June-July 2024

    Votes: 17 1.1%

  • August-September 2024

    Votes: 34 2.2%

  • October-November 2024

    Votes: 37 2.4%

  • December 2024

    Votes: 44 2.8%

  • Sometime in 2025

    Votes: 258 16.6%

  • Sometime in 2026

    Votes: 252 16.2%

  • Jack lives forever. The Wendigo Must Consoom

    Votes: 902 58.0%
  • Total voters
    1,556
Space Police said:
What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits?
Click to expand...

Jack's garbage stew and Magic Bullet videos are probably the best ones to show what a dumbass he is. His salad and bison burger ones for the gross out factor. His Valentine's dinner video would show how good it is they have each other (unless they also can't cook for shit.)
 
Space Police said:
What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits?
Click to expand...
There's a video where he bakes chocolate cake, and when he puts the frosting or some other topping on, it pours out of the bowl in a congealed and stiff mass.

Since we're entering festive times, you could also show them my favorite holiday atrocity of his (the candy cane velvet cake abomination).

If you want to make them MATI, there is also the video where he cooks (and veritably fucks up) a Thanksgiving meal for a deployed soldier I believe.

If by bag eggs you don't mean the time he tried to make omelettes by boiling stuff in plastic bags (after writing on them with sharpie), then show them that too.
 
Last edited:
@Space Police Though it's been discussed plenty (and likely archived multiple times within the thread), Count Strokula's "review" of the Red Copper 5 Minute Chef Omelet maker is a noteworthy series of two videos:

Here is the original Youtube URL for Jagoff's review. Jack set it to private after the brand threatened to sue (EDIT: AnOnymous reminded me in a below post that they indeed did sue Jack for misrepresenting their product). Below is a reupload of the original on Twitch:


Every time Jack tried to make an omelet, the maker would eventually burst open from a buildup of internal steam pressure; shooting hot egg everywhere. Jack's negative review includes footage of himself attempting to bully an Indian over the phone.

Part 2 is Jack's glowing "redo" of the review, seemingly performed at gunpoint:


Spoiler: Jack had refused to read the giant WARNING on the front of the manual prior to reviewing it the first time.

WARNING YOU ARE A RETARD.jpg

Note that Jack had lost the use of his right arm so recently that it still resembles an arm in this video; rather than the lynx penis we all know and love. He also looks positively svelte compared to the bifurcated garbage bag of gelatinized sewage we got to see spilling over the counter during AI CHILI MUNTH as he leaned harder and harder into the kitchen island as part of his FDR LARP of being able to stand.

The cover page plainly states that the latch is for storage only; and that sealing the cooker with the latch during operation will prevent steam from venting - inevitably resulting in exactly the mishap Jack kept repeating through user error (which he, of course, never admits to). Jack was (poetically) strong-armed into replacing the original review with an ass-sucking apology schilling the thing as "perfect for any dorm room" as a condition of the court settlement - Despite the fact that dorms generally (and explicitly) prohibit the fire hazard that such cooking appliances represent from being allowed in the first place. Plus, what student wants to be known as "The Omelet Fag"?
 
Last edited:
Space Police said:
My parents have gotten into cooking fail videos, yet they somehow haven't come across Fatty. What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits? I'll obviously show them the tampon chicken, the bag chicken, the bag eggs, and the old brisket, but what else is there? I won't show the Party Cheese Salad out of contrarianism.
Click to expand...
One that comes to me that most wouldn't suggest was his disastrous attempt to cook chicken and polenta. I still to this day believe he just hid the chicken in the oven and lied about cooking it.

I also find his attempt to cook Moqueca, or Brazillian Fish Stew as he calls it, pretty bad. Nothing looked cooked at all in that one either. Oh yeah, that actually reminds me: he used to do a series called "Things that Scare Jack". Pizza and Fish come to mind for that one.

In terms of horrible desserts, the christmas mud cake with the shards of candy cane was pretty bad too.
 
Marc said:
The cover page plainly states that the latch is for storage only; and that sealing the cooker with the latch during operation will prevent steam from venting - inevitably resulting in exactly the mishap Jack kept repeating through user error (which he, of course, never admits to). Jack was (poetically) strong-armed into replacing the original review with an ass-sucking apology schilling the thing as "perfect for any dorm room" - Despite the fact that dorms generally (and explicitly) prohibit the fire hazard that such cooking appliances represent from being allowed in the first place. Plus, what student wants to be known as "The Omelet Fag"?
Click to expand...
He is such a worthless manbaby retard. It should already be a sin to buy single-use gimmick appliances that a pan can do better, he's doubling that by refusing to read a piece of paper. Can this fat shit even read? Maybe his googly eyes require faux 3D images to correct. What's wrong with making an omelette in a fucking pan? If that's too much work just make scrambled eggs and top it with some stuff. Either requires less effort than wrangling some chintzy piece of ewaste that requires a fucking mains outlet to function.
 
Space Police said:
My parents have gotten into cooking fail videos, yet they somehow haven't come across Fatty. What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits? I'll obviously show them the tampon chicken, the bag chicken, the bag eggs, and the old brisket, but what else is there? I won't show the Party Cheese Salad out of contrarianism.
Click to expand...
it doesn't highlight his bad cooking as much as it does his stupidity, but I love the grill grates video.
also cant forget his dry vs wet brine chicken...
this monstrosity
also: lazy mans enchiladas, lazy mans alfredo chicken lasagna, the sous vide salmon... the list goes on
 
Last edited:
Adamska said:
I genuinely believe this to be the worst fucking chili he's ever made. No seriously, I think this is way worse than the Church cook off chili and even that disgusting Chunky Keto one that looked like something Cooking with Kay would make.
Click to expand...
I agree because even after years of getting jaded looking at utterly revolting Jack chilis to the point they barely get a response from me any more, this particular chili actually made me feel slightly nauseous just looking at it. It's astoundingly fucking vile. I could at least conceive of eating a few of Jack's chilis, although I'd be hating life and wishing I had a can of generic store brand chili instead.

There were even like two maybe that reached the level of "meh looks okay I guess."

Not even the prisoners in Andersonville would eat this shit.
Tiki Bar Man 2 said:
oh I know all that lol I have been a hatewatcher since all the way back when /ck/ first found him. extra hate him too because he pretends to be a christian.
Click to expand...
I always loved the old ja/ck/ threads, when they'd cleverly hide them because there was always some janny deleting them. I always thought that was like one guy because many of them would last hours and go to autosage. He was one of my first cows and it's always kind of amazing to look back and see how comparatively better he was then, and he was an incompetent idiot even then.
Marc said:
Here is the original Youtube URL for Jagoff's review. Jack set it to private after the brand threatened to sue him for misrepresenting their product. Below is a reupload of the original on Twitch:
Click to expand...
They didn't just threaten to sue him. They actually did sue him in federal court.
www.courtlistener.com

Docket for TELEBRANDS CORP. v. GIVEME, INC., 2:18-cv-00198 - CourtListener.com

Docket for TELEBRANDS CORP. v. GIVEME, INC., 2:18-cv-00198 — Brought to you by the RECAP Initiative and Free Law Project, a non-profit dedicated to creating high quality open legal information.
www.courtlistener.com www.courtlistener.com

The re-"review" was part of the settlement.
semitooth said:
also cant forget his dry vs wet brine chicken...
Click to expand...
That reminds me of the equally disgusting raw McCormick's chicken classic.
Go to the part where he cuts into the chicken which spews red liquid.
 
Last edited:
Space Police said:
My parents have gotten into cooking fail videos, yet they somehow haven't come across Fatty. What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits? I'll obviously show them the tampon chicken, the bag chicken, the bag eggs, and the old brisket, but what else is there? I won't show the Party Cheese Salad out of contrarianism.
Click to expand...
His butter chicken video made me gag the first time I saw it.

 
Space Police said:
My parents have gotten into cooking fail videos, yet they somehow haven't come across Fatty. What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits? I'll obviously show them the tampon chicken, the bag chicken, the bag eggs, and the old brisket, but what else is there? I won't show the Party Cheese Salad out of contrarianism.
Click to expand...
He's got a lot of fails but beyond the ones you've mentioned the Bison burger ranks right up there with the worst of the worst.

He over seasons it, puts the cold cheese on the burger, adds more of his gloopy sauce over top and... when he cuts into it it's still raw. I don't mean blue. I don't mean pink. I mean it's literally raw and had to be ice cold. Yet he's acting like it's perfectly done.

Some fails are when he kept saying his Yorkshire Pudding came out "perfect" when they were little blond hockey pucks. When he used blueberries instead of juniper berries. Or when he used regular anise instead of star anise in his version of Pho including thick slices of beef and big horking pieces of onion of all things.

Then there's the buttermilk experiments where the chicken is undercooked and he just pulls it out of the marinade, dumps it on the cookie sheet and cooks it. There's like a single browned patch on it. It's just disgusting.
 
Space Police said:
My parents have gotten into cooking fail videos, yet they somehow haven't come across Fatty. What are some underrated Ja/ck/ hits? I'll obviously show them the tampon chicken, the bag chicken, the bag eggs, and the old brisket, but what else is there? I won't show the Party Cheese Salad out of contrarianism.
Click to expand...
In regards to product reviews, the Yoshi Blade review is still one of the more memorable ones for me. It's pre-stroke Jack but there's something especially idiotic about attempting to cut a wooden spoon with a knife.

 
Whenever people on this thread reminiscence about past Jack my first though is he has finally gone up to the great chili bowl in the sky.

Given how much salt must have been in his fish sauce, cream cheese, egg, and bacon stew, it would not have surprised me.

Edit: As for Mocajete, if everything on those plates isn't directly from Sysco's ready food division, I am the Pope.
 
Falcon Sebben said:
He's got a lot of fails but beyond the ones you've mentioned the Bison burger ranks right up there with the worst of the worst.

He over seasons it, puts the cold cheese on the burger, adds more of his gloopy sauce over top and... when he cuts into it it's still raw. I don't mean blue. I don't mean pink. I mean it's literally raw and had to be ice cold. Yet he's acting like it's perfectly done.

Some fails are when he kept saying his Yorkshire Pudding came out "perfect" when they were little blond hockey pucks. When he used blueberries instead of juniper berries. Or when he used regular anise instead of star anise in his version of Pho including thick slices of beef and big horking pieces of onion of all things.

Then there's the buttermilk experiments where the chicken is undercooked and he just pulls it out of the marinade, dumps it on the cookie sheet and cooks it. There's like a single browned patch on it. It's just disgusting.
Click to expand...
His bison burger isn't super gross as some of his other dishes. Like all his dishes he always tends to botch it in some way, but with his beef dishes I feel that they are at least somewhat passable compared to how badly he messes up with things such as chicken, fish and pork.

Any of his chicken recipes that he has done has me gagging as he puts raw, slimy undercooked chicken into his mouth.
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top Bottom